I have a Facebook page. Be sure to like it to get blog updates in your Facebook feed. http://www.facebook.com/BibleStoriesByMatt
Showing posts with label Blood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blood. Show all posts

Monday, November 18, 2013

Christian Wedding Nights – Not quite what you may expect

Sometimes I do Christians the discourtesy of assuming they follow God’s laws as presented in the Holy Scripture

God demands that after a couple is married, the sheet on which they first have sex be saved and given to the woman’s parents. THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT! Most women have enough of a hymen that upon initial intercourse, it breaks painfully and bleeds. The blood is meant to get on the sheet which then becomes a “token of virginity.” In God-fearing nations like Iran and Yemen, this is still a common practice.

You may think this sounds creepy or anachronistic, but as a father I know there is no way in hell I’m not keeping those bloody sheets. You see, if the groom decides he’s not thrilled with my daughter after the wedding night, he might decide to get out of the marriage by claiming my daughter wasn’t a virgin when they tied the knot. You know, like Henry VIII did when he was trying to get rid of Catherine of Aragon.

If I don’t have a bloody sheet to present to the local authorities, then the people of the city are commanded by God to take my daughter to my front door and then throw rocks at her until she dies from the injuries. I DO NOT want that to happen.

If I do have the sheet, then the jerkface that tried to have my daughter executed has to pay me 100 shekels of silver because he slandered my daughter. Then he can never get rid of her; they have to stay married until the jerkface dies. Of course she may not want to stay married to the asshole that wanted her dead, but you know; she’s a woman and God doesn’t want women to have any rights other than the right to be bought and sold.

Moral: save the blood!

Ref: Deuteronomy 22:13-21

Monday, September 2, 2013

Yahweh: Baby Killer - Moses Part VII

If you kill enough babies, you can accomplish anything.

Once Yahweh finished showing off his cool plagues he finally got down to business. He had Moses have Aaron tell all the Israelites to steal (borrow without intent to return) a whole bunch of jewels, gold, and silver from their Egyptian neighbors. Once the Hebrews got their hands on all the riches they could gather/steal, they had to kill a whole bunch of baby sheep and paint the door frames of all the Hebrews. Then they had a big party and ate a whole bunch of lamb and unleavened bread.

That night Yahweh wandered around killing the firstborn of every household that didn’t have a bloody door frame. Of course I’m not sure if Yahweh couldn’t tell the difference between Hebrews and Egyptians, or He just really wanted blood all over the place, you know, for decoration and stuff. In any case, because Yahweh is a god, He was able to visit several hundred thousand households and kill all sorts of kids. He also got all the firstborn cattle.

Once the Egyptians noticed all the death, including Pharaoh’s heir, Pharaoh had Moses and Aaron pulled out of their beds and taken to his palace. He told them to take the Hebrew slaves and leave the country before all the Egyptians ended up dead. Of course this was what the Hebrews had been waiting for, so they took all the riches they looted from the Egyptians and booked it out of there. As far as I know, they are the only foreign group to ever live in Egypt for 430 years and eventually outnumber the ‘native’ population without leaving a single shred of evidence for future scholars to discover. Once you start to work with Yahweh, everything becomes miraculous.

Moral: when it comes to baby killing, sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands: if you’re a god.

Ref: Exodus 11 - 12

Note: I would really like someone to explain to me how the Egyptians and Hebrews lived side by side for 430 years without losing any of their racial identity if they started to mingle soon after the first Hebrew arrived (Genesis 41:45). The original Hebrew population in Egypt was only seventy individuals, many of whom were already 50% Egyptian by their mothers. You think that in 430 years seventy people grew to 600,000 adult men (Exodus 12:37) and probably 900,000 women and children without any additional Egyptian contributions?

The current rate of population growth requires modern medicine and super progressive agricultural techniques. It is higher than the population growth 4,000 years ago. If we assume the 70 original super baby-hungry Hebrews managed today’s rate of global population growth, they would have numbered 7,730 individuals after 430 years if they had not mixed with the Egyptians. For them to arrive at a final exodus population of 1,400,000 ‘Hebrews’ they must have been genetically 99.5% Egyptian.

Of course the Hebrews could have done it easily if they managed to equal the highest population growth rate ever observed anywhere on the planet at a time when the annual world population growth was close to zero. I have a hard time believing they could achieve near 0% infant mortality, close to zero losses due to childhood illnesses and produce enough much food to sustain growth if they spent most of their day making bricks and didn’t have modern irrigation, farm equipment, or health care.

Good thing that with God, all things are possible.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Jesus’ Garment – Supernatural Conductor of Virtue

We could really use Jesus’ clothes in a children’s cancer ward. I’m just sayin’ . . .

Once upon a time, there was a woman who lived in the Middle East who suffered from a rather unpleasant affliction. She bled, like, all the time. She’d bled steadily for twelve years. I used to think that she’d either been menstruating for 12 years or had a particularly nasty STD; but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Either way, she was in bad shape and was probably severely iron deficient.

Well after 12 years of suffering, she heard of some crazy rabble rouser named Jesus that did all sorts of nifty magical stuff. When she saw him walking with his apostles through a huge crowd on his way to bring some poor, dead virgin back to life, she sprang into action. After pushing desperately through a crowd, she managed to touch Jesus’ clothing and was instantly healed.

Jesus immediately stopped after the touch and said, “Who touched me?” Nobody fessed up and Jesus’ poor, confused apostles said, “What you do mean, ‘Who touched me?’ You are surrounded by tons of people and most of them have bumped or jostled you at some point during our walk.” Jesus was in a generous mood, so he explained: “I know somebody touched me, because I could feel virtue leaving me.”

Ok, that explains how Jesus knew about the touch, but it leaves me with some important questions. Did Jesus have some limited amount of magic virtue he could use during his life and he only died after it ran out? Did Jesus not have any control over when and how the virtue was used? Did virtue transfer require physical contact? If so, was some other source of magical power used to perform miracles when no direct contact occurred? Is virtue the name of power specifically allocated to fix persistent bleeding, or can it be used for all sorts of things?

Once the now healed woman knew that Jesus had a supernatural way to tell what she did and who she was, she got really scared. She started trembling violently and fell down on the ground at Jesus’ feet and declared to the entire crowd her blood story and why she’d taken virtue without permission. Jesus loved groveling, and felt a little guilty about the poor woman sharing her blood story with the crowd, which was probably pretty embarrassing. Therefore, he just said, “Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.”
Moral: magic is awesome!

Ref: Matthew 9:20-22, Mark 5:25-34, Luke 8:43-48

Note: This whole thing is weird to me because we were just told that the virtue healed her, not her faith. Does virture transfer also require faith to work? How can someone be brought back to life if faith is required? Do they still have faith after they die?

Cake made a great song that appears to draw at least some inspiration from this story called, “Hem of Your Garment.”

I am intrinsically no good
I have a heart that's made of wood
I am only biding time
Only reciting memorized lines
And I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment

No, no I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment

I have no love but only goals
How very empty is my soul
It is a soul that feels no thrill
A soul that could easily kill
And I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment

No, no I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment

I am intrinsically no good
I have a heart that's made of wood
I am only biding time
Only reciting memorized lines
And I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment

I am intrinsically no good
I have a heart that's made of wood
I am only biding time
Only reciting memorized lines
And I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment

No, no I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment
The hem of your garment



Lyrics taken from www.azlyrics.com