Christian Wedding Nights – Not quite what you may expect

Sometimes I do Christians the discourtesy of assuming they follow God’s laws as presented in the Holy Scripture

God demands that after a couple is married, the sheet on which they first have sex be saved and given to the woman’s parents. THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT! Most women have enough of a hymen that upon initial intercourse, it breaks painfully and bleeds. The blood is meant to get on the sheet which then becomes a “token of virginity.” In God-fearing nations like Iran and Yemen, this is still a common practice.

You may think this sounds creepy or anachronistic, but as a father I know there is no way in hell I’m not keeping those bloody sheets. You see, if the groom decides he’s not thrilled with my daughter after the wedding night, he might decide to get out of the marriage by claiming my daughter wasn’t a virgin when they tied the knot. You know, like Henry VIII did when he was trying to get rid of Catherine of Aragon.

If I don’t have a bloody sheet to present to the local authorities, then the people of the city are commanded by God to take my daughter to my front door and then throw rocks at her until she dies from the injuries. I DO NOT want that to happen.

If I do have the sheet, then the jerkface that tried to have my daughter executed has to pay me 100 shekels of silver because he slandered my daughter. Then he can never get rid of her; they have to stay married until the jerkface dies. Of course she may not want to stay married to the asshole that wanted her dead, but you know; she’s a woman and God doesn’t want women to have any rights other than the right to be bought and sold.

Moral: save the blood!

Ref: Deuteronomy 22:13-21

Joseph is Still a Jerk – Family first

Why start out nice when you can be mean first and nice later?

Because Jehovah only provided a way for the Egyptians to have food during the seven year drought, but still afflicted the surrounding areas with a massive food shortage, a lot of people went hungry. Joseph’s family back in Canaan was among that group. As part of Joseph’s plan to accumulate all the money in the known world he was selling grain to these non-Egyptian type people.

Once Joseph’s father Jacob/Israel heard about the food sale he sent ten of his remaining eleven sons to go buy some. He didn’t send Benjamin because he was afraid something could happen to the sons and he would lose his other boy from his favorite wife, Rachel. When the 10 brothers arrived in Egypt, for some reason they had a personal audience with Joseph to buy grain instead of dealing with in intermediary. I reckon it’s because it makes the story better.

Of course Joseph recognized his brothers, but did not reveal his identity to them. Instead he accused them of being spies and had them thrown into prison. Of course they brothers said they weren’t spies and told Joseph all about their family, their father, all his wives, and their brother Benjamin.

After three days Joseph released nine of them and sold them the grain on the condition that they bring Benjamin back to Egypt with them to prove they were telling the truth. Then he promised to release the still imprisoned brother (Simeon) and sell them more grain. Joseph wasn’t done acting weird yet though. He had one of his slaves hide the money the brothers used to buy the grain in their grain sacks.

Here’s the problem. Jacob/Israel refused to let Benjamin go to Egypt to get Simeon back because he was still all hung up on the whole “son of Rachel” thing. That’s right; Jacob/Israel chose to let Simeon rot in an Egyptian prison.

I’m sure that would have been the end of it, but the grain ran out. Eventually hunger drove Jacob/Israel to agree to let Benjamin go to Egypt. This time Joseph was super nice to them; especially to his little brother Benjamin. Once again Joseph had a slave hide the money in the grain sacks, but this time Joseph also had the slave hide a super fancy silver cup in Benjamin’s sack. After the brothers put a little distance between themselves and the grain dispensary, Joseph sent some of his people to search the sacks, find the cup and arrest Benjamin.

The brothers were afraid to return to their father without Benjamin and went straight back to meet with Joseph. Judah begged Joseph to make him a slave and let Benjamin go because he was afraid his father would die if Benjamin didn’t make it back home. After the brothers described how the situation tore their father apart emotionally and how hard it was on him to only have one of his sons from his favorite wife, Joseph started to cry. He revealed himself to his brothers at last and invited them to all move to Egypt where they, their father, and their mothers would be well taken care of, because Joseph was super rich and would look after them.

Note: I wonder if having Jehovah’s favor makes it so you must dick with your family before hooking them up with food, or if it just makes it OK.

Ref: Genesis 43-45