Jezebel is Eaten by Dogs – Yahweh especially didn’t like Jezebel

If the God can kill people he doesn’t like and feed them to dogs, why do his supposed followers object to such behavior?

You may remember that Queen Jezebel tricked the people of Israel into killing an innocent man so her husband, King Ahab, could take the guy’s land. Then Ahab felt bad and talked nice to Yahweh so Yahweh decided to kill Ahab’s kids instead of Ahab. That stuff is important for this story: honest.

After Ahab died in battle, Yahweh’s prophet Elisha gave one of the sons of the prophets (think of an altar boy) a special mission. This boy went to visit Jehu, poured a box of oil out over his head and said, “Yahweh says you are the king now and He wants you to kill all of Ahab’s kids and his wife Jezebel. Then dogs are going to eat Jezebel.” Then this terrified kid that had just poured oil all over the new king, turned and ran back home.

Jehu was a good man who always did what Yahweh wanted so he headed right out and killed Ahab’s sons. Then he went to visit Jezebel. When he got to the city where she was staying he saw her looking out through a window in the city wall so he called up, “Who here is on my side? Who will help me do the will of Yahweh?” A couple of eunuchs heard him and pitched Jezebel out the window. When she hit the rocky ground blood splattered all over the city wall and Jehu’s riding party (no, I’m not making this up). Then Jehu’s party rode their horses over Jezebel’s body, trampling her, to get into the city.



Jezebel gets pushed out the window

Now, Jehu’s mama done learned him right, so he knew his manners real good. After he finished eating dinner that night he sent some people outside to bury Jezebel. After all, as Jehu pointed out, she was the daughter of a King. However, when the servants got out there to bury Jezebel all they found was her skull, her feet, and the palms of her hands. You know; the parts that dogs don’t like to eat.

When the servants reported back to Jehu he said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I’d almost forgotten. Yahweh did have a prophet tell me that Jezebel was going to be eaten by dogs. Praise be to Yahweh!”

Note: I always thought it was weird that the dogs would eat the fingers and the other bones, but not the palm. Isn’t the palm of a woman’s hand easier to eat or drag away than her femur?

Ref: 2 Kings 9

Naaman is healed by Elisha – Musical Leprosy - Part 2

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout, I’m telling you why. Leprosy is coming to town.

On the way back home, one of Naaman’s servants got to thinking and said to Naaman, “You know, if this Elisha guy had told you to do some fantastic thing like gather 200 Philistine foreskins or build an arc you totally would have done it. Maybe you should just try the trick with the river to see if it works.” So Naaman went to the Jordan and dipped himself seven times. After the seventh time, he came out with perfect skin – completely free from disease.

Naaman was thrilled to be healed so he rushed back to Elisha’s house and tried to give Elisha all the loot. Elisha wouldn’t take it though, so Naaman left promising that from that day forward the only god he would worship would be the Hebrew god.

Gehazi, Elisha’s servant heard all this and ran after Naaman as fast as he could. Once he caught up he said, “Hey, Elisha sent me. We have a couple of visitors coming. Elisha wants you to give me a talent of silver and two sets of clothes for these visitors. Naaman was thrilled to be able to give something to Elisha so he gave Gehazi TWO talents of silver and the clothing. He even let Gehazi borrow a couple of servants to carry the loot.

After Gehazi had the stuff safely hidden in the house Elisha tracked him down for a little chat. Elisha has NOT pleased that Gehazi ran off to get some money from Naaman and he said, “You stupid little shit. This is not time to try to get rich. Because you did this, you are the new owner of Naaman’s leprosy.

Gehazi immediately because leprous “as white as snow.”

Moral: God’s servants are really good at telling bacterial infections what to do.

Ref: 2 Kings 5:12-26

Naaman is healed by Elisha – Musical Leprosy - Part 1

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout, I’m telling you why. Leprosy is coming to town.

Back when Elisha was the most famous living prophet of Jehovah, the leader of Syria’s armies was this guy named Naaman. He was so awesome that Jehovah let him keep Syria from being wiped out by the Israelites. The only problem was that he was a leper. Fortunately for him, his soldiers would regularly run raids into Israel to catch Hebrews they could use as slaves. One such slave, a young Hebrew girl, ended up belonging to Naaman’s wife. The reason this is fortunate for Naaman is one day the poor little Hebrew girl said to her owner, "I really wish your husband could visit the Hebrew prophet. I just know our prophet would heal your husband.”

Understandably Naaman’s wife wasn’t too thrilled with the whole leprous husband thing, so it didn’t take long before she figured out a way to get this information to the King of Syria. The King was fond of his military leader so he gave Naaman ten talents of silver, six thousand pieces of gold, and ten sets of clothing for payment and sent him to visit the Hebrew king.

When Naaman explained why he’d come to visit, the King freaked out, tore his clothes, and started to cry. He said, “What gives? I’m not God. I can’t give or take leprosy. The King of Syria must be looking for a reason to start another war.” In another stroke of luck, Elisha heard about the king’s little fit and sent the king a message that Naaman should be sent to him so he could be taught that God had a prophet in Israel.

When Naaman showed up at Elisha’s place, Elisha sent out a servant to tell Naaman he just needed to wash in the Jordan River seven times and he would be healed.

This was all so incredibly absurd that Naaman got all kinds of upset and said, “What gives? I came all the way down here and this bastard won’t even come outside to greet me? I totally thought he would just come outside, call upon God, lay his hands on me, I would be healed, and I could leave all this damn money I’ve been hauling around. This is total bullshit. I’m out of here!”

To be continued in Part 2. What will happen to Naaman? Stay tuned for the next update.

Ref: 2 Kings 5:1-11

Elisha and the mean kids from Bethel - Proving that God is the most badass of badasses

This one is more like a Sunday School lesson than normal

Elijah was this super badass Old Testament prophet. He worked in Israel in a time when most of the Hebrews had stopped worshiping Jehovah and were chillin’ with the Phoenician gods instead. He did cool stuff like making the calling down fire from heaven (flame strike, anyone? http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/SRD:Flame_Strike) and making the rain stop for three and a half years to prove how much cooler Jehovah was than some dumb Phoenician god, that can’t kill people with fire from heaven or cause a draught that kills tons of unbelievers. The Mormon prophet Joseph Smith made sure the Mormons would forever think Elijah was cool by teaching that he was the last prophet to hold the Melchizedek priesthood before the time of Jesus Christ. He and Moses (also a murderer) gave the Melchizedek priesthood to Peter, James, and John, and then later to Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery (another early Mormon leader).

After Elijah got old he went for a walk with his buddy Elisha. He turned over the mantle of prophet-hood to Elisha and climbed into a burning chariot that rode up a whirlwind into heaven. You know, like you do. In fact, I’m a little surprised that Joseph Smith didn’t ride a flaming chariot into heaven before they shot him. This whole flaming chariot thing reminds me of Helios a little http://www.theoi.com/Titan/Helios.html. It’s a good thing we know the OT is factual or I might be tempted to think they were just borrowing stuff from other mythologies.

Anyway, after Elisha became the new prophet he showed off a little by parting a river so he could walk across on dry land and throwing salt into a dried-up spring to make the water flow again. Then one day he was out walking and a bunch of kids saw him. They got really excited by how funny he looked and literally dozens of them ran out of their city (Bethel) to make fun of him for being bald. They said mean, hurtful things like “go up, thou bald head” and stuff. Well, Elisha wasn’t going to let people make fun of the prophet so he called upon the almighty and cursed those kids. Then two bears ran out of the woods and ripped 42 of the kids into pieces.

Elisha is also famous for telling the Israelites to cut down all the trees in Moab. That will teach those damn trees to mess with Israel.

Ref: 2 Kings 2:23-25