Killing Ahab’s Kids – Ahab and Jezebal kill one, Jehovah kills seventy

Jehovah will never be outdone

Some of you may remember that King Ahab and his wife Jezebel used deceit to have some guy named Naboth killed so they could take Naboth’s vineyard and use it for an herb garden (link). At the time Jehovah decided He wasn’t going to kill Ahab and Jezebal right away, but would wait and kill all their sons. This was a pretty significant feat because Ahab had seventy sons.

After Ahab died in battle, Jehovah made Jehu the new king. Jehu personally killed a couple of Ahab’s allies and had some eunuchs toss Jezebel out a window so she died too (link). Then Jehu wrote a bunch of letters to the people who were raising Ahab’s sons and told them to send him the kids’ heads. These gentlemen were really upset. They didn’t necessarily want to kill Ahab’s kids and there was a pretty strong movement to depose Jehu and put one of Ahab’s sons on the throne.

Fortunately, everyone else in those communities wanted to support Jehu so they sent him letters asking for info on how best to serve. To these individuals Jehu then sent the command for head removal. The heads were all removed, placed in baskets and delivered to Jehu. Then Jehu had everyone connected with Ahab’s extended family, including servants and priests, killed.

Ahab was pretty clever and knew Jehovah didn’t like Baal, so he came up with a plan to kill all the followers of Baal. He made a proclamation saying that he was going to be a HUGE supporter of Baal and called a grand assembly for the Baalites. Once everyone was in place, Jehu had them all killed. Unfortunately Jehu didn’t completely manage to return everyone to the worship of Jehovah because he just couldn’t bring himself to stop worshiping the golden calves in Bethel and Dan.

Moral: when Jehovah wants to wipe out someone’s bloodline, He just needs to enlist the aid of a golden calf worshiper.

Ref: 2 Kings 10

Jezebel is Eaten by Dogs – Yahweh especially didn’t like Jezebel

If the God can kill people he doesn’t like and feed them to dogs, why do his supposed followers object to such behavior?

You may remember that Queen Jezebel tricked the people of Israel into killing an innocent man so her husband, King Ahab, could take the guy’s land. Then Ahab felt bad and talked nice to Yahweh so Yahweh decided to kill Ahab’s kids instead of Ahab. That stuff is important for this story: honest.

After Ahab died in battle, Yahweh’s prophet Elisha gave one of the sons of the prophets (think of an altar boy) a special mission. This boy went to visit Jehu, poured a box of oil out over his head and said, “Yahweh says you are the king now and He wants you to kill all of Ahab’s kids and his wife Jezebel. Then dogs are going to eat Jezebel.” Then this terrified kid that had just poured oil all over the new king, turned and ran back home.

Jehu was a good man who always did what Yahweh wanted so he headed right out and killed Ahab’s sons. Then he went to visit Jezebel. When he got to the city where she was staying he saw her looking out through a window in the city wall so he called up, “Who here is on my side? Who will help me do the will of Yahweh?” A couple of eunuchs heard him and pitched Jezebel out the window. When she hit the rocky ground blood splattered all over the city wall and Jehu’s riding party (no, I’m not making this up). Then Jehu’s party rode their horses over Jezebel’s body, trampling her, to get into the city.



Jezebel gets pushed out the window

Now, Jehu’s mama done learned him right, so he knew his manners real good. After he finished eating dinner that night he sent some people outside to bury Jezebel. After all, as Jehu pointed out, she was the daughter of a King. However, when the servants got out there to bury Jezebel all they found was her skull, her feet, and the palms of her hands. You know; the parts that dogs don’t like to eat.

When the servants reported back to Jehu he said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I’d almost forgotten. Yahweh did have a prophet tell me that Jezebel was going to be eaten by dogs. Praise be to Yahweh!”

Note: I always thought it was weird that the dogs would eat the fingers and the other bones, but not the palm. Isn’t the palm of a woman’s hand easier to eat or drag away than her femur?

Ref: 2 Kings 9

Naboth is killed – Always sell your vineyard when the king asks

This is my very first original Limerick. The metering seems off in the fifth line but I’m not able to get it right.

Naboth was a Jezreelite diehard
Whose father had left him a vinyard
The king wanted it
And thought it was fit
To kill poor Naboth without regard

Naboth had this vineyard see. It had been in his family for generations and it was all he got from his father when he died. Ahab the king of Israel was his next door neighbor and wanted the vineyard so he would have a place for an herb garden. Ahab went to have a chat with Naboth about the situation. Ahab was even really reasonable and offered to either give Naboth a better vineyard or pay its value in cash.

This didn’t work for Naboth who said, “Sorry, I can’t do it. Jehovah won’t let me sell my ancestral vineyard.” Poor Ahab was really sad he couldn’t get the land to grow herbs so he went home, lay on his bed and refused to eat. His wife Jezebel was concerned and asked him what was wrong. When Ahab explained the situation Jezebel launched into a tirade. She said, “What the hell man? Seriously? You are the mother-fucking king of Israel. If you want a god-damn vineyard you had damn well better get it! Now don’t you worry about a thing. I will personally make sure you get that land.”

So Jezebel sent letters to all the rich people in town telling them the king wanted them to have a big party and place Naboth in the seat on honor. Then, on the day of the party she bribed to men to publically accuse Naboth of blasphemy against God and the king. Because the Israelites were hardcore they immediately dragged Naboth outside of the city and threw rocks at him until he died. When Jezebel told Ahab that Naboth was dead, Ahab got super excited and ran right over to the vineyard to take possession of it.

Now everything was fine and dandy. That is, until Jehovah told his prophet Elijah about the situation. Elijah didn’t think it was cool to have someone killed under false pretenses so you can plant an herb garden. He told Ahab and Jezebel they were definitely going to have to die. In fact, God was going to make sure that when Ahab died dogs would lick up his blood and Jezebel would be eaten by dogs.

Apparently this sounded really bad so Ahab ripped his clothes and prayed and fasted a whole bunch. Jehovah was so excited about the attention he was getting from Ahab he decided that he wouldn’t cause any trouble for Ahab and Jezebel while they were alive. Instead he would punish their children.

Moral: don’t kill people to get their stuff or Jehovah will punish your children after you die.

Ref: 1 Kings 21

Ahab and His Dogs – It’s important to have canine friends

If it was important enough to write, it should be important enough to learn about

By the end of the First Book of Kings the king of Israel was named Ahab. At that time their most favored enemy was Syria. One day when the Leader of the tribe of Judah (Jehoshaphat) came to visit King Ahab, they got to talking about Ramoth. Ramoth was a region that used to be under Israeli control, but was currently occupied by Syria. Ahab decided it was time to take back Ramoth and Jehoshaphat was happy to help out, he just wanted Ahab to ask Jehovah first.

Ahab gathered together his personal cadre of prophets together, about 400 men, and asked them how things were going to turn out if they invaded Syria. The prophets gave him the green light, guaranteeing him that Jehovah would help Israel win. Jehoshaphat wasn’t sure 400 prophets were enough so he asked if there were any more. Turn out there was this one guy named Micaiah, but Ahab didn’t like him because he didn’t have very nice things to say about Ahab.

So they send for Micaiah who agrees to make a prediction, but he was only going to say what Jehovah told him to. Ahab agreed and Micaiah said, “Go ahead and invade Ramoth. God will make sure you win.” Ahab was a pretty smart guy and he replied, “Bullshit man! How many times have I told you to tell me the truth?” So Micaiah comes clean and tells Ahab that he is definitely going to die. In fact, Micaiah went on for a bit about how God was tricking Ahab into attacking Ramoth so he would die. He said, “Ok, here’s the deal. I saw Jehovah sitting on his throne in Heaven and he asked the host of heaven who was going to help him trick you into attacking Ramoth. Then I saw this one super fancy angel walk up to God and say, ‘Yeah, I got ya. I’ll go be a lying spirit for Ahab’s prophets to make sure they trick him.’ “

One of Ahab’s prophets heard this and walked over to Micaiah and pimp-slapped him saying, “What the Hell man? Where the hell do you get off? You are so full of shit man. You better watch your back. I’m just saying.” Ahab sided with pimp-slapping prophet and had Micaiah thrown into prison.

Just to be safe though, Ahab disguised himself and had Jehoshaphat dress up in his clothes for the battle. During the battle the Syrian forces went straight for the guy in the King’s clothes, but when Jehoshaphat started screaming hysterically and ran away they figured out they had been duped. Not that it did much good though. You see, some random guy shot a random arrow that randomly hit Ahab. Like I mentioned earlier, Ahab was pretty smart so he noticed that he’d been hit by an arrow and said to his chariot driver, “Turn thy hand, and carry me out of the host; for I am wounded.”

It didn’t take Ahab very long to die after getting hit by the arrow. In that time though he managed to make a huge mess of the chariot, bleedin’ all over the place like it was goin’ out of style. Fortunately Ahab had a lot of dogs and they were able to lick the chariot clean.

Now just remember that if God wants you dead, it’s pretty easy for Him to deceive a whole bunch of prophets into thinking He doesn’t want you dead, then make some random arrow hit you.

Ref: 1 Kings 22:1-39