Jezebel is Eaten by Dogs – Yahweh especially didn’t like Jezebel

If the God can kill people he doesn’t like and feed them to dogs, why do his supposed followers object to such behavior?

You may remember that Queen Jezebel tricked the people of Israel into killing an innocent man so her husband, King Ahab, could take the guy’s land. Then Ahab felt bad and talked nice to Yahweh so Yahweh decided to kill Ahab’s kids instead of Ahab. That stuff is important for this story: honest.

After Ahab died in battle, Yahweh’s prophet Elisha gave one of the sons of the prophets (think of an altar boy) a special mission. This boy went to visit Jehu, poured a box of oil out over his head and said, “Yahweh says you are the king now and He wants you to kill all of Ahab’s kids and his wife Jezebel. Then dogs are going to eat Jezebel.” Then this terrified kid that had just poured oil all over the new king, turned and ran back home.

Jehu was a good man who always did what Yahweh wanted so he headed right out and killed Ahab’s sons. Then he went to visit Jezebel. When he got to the city where she was staying he saw her looking out through a window in the city wall so he called up, “Who here is on my side? Who will help me do the will of Yahweh?” A couple of eunuchs heard him and pitched Jezebel out the window. When she hit the rocky ground blood splattered all over the city wall and Jehu’s riding party (no, I’m not making this up). Then Jehu’s party rode their horses over Jezebel’s body, trampling her, to get into the city.



Jezebel gets pushed out the window

Now, Jehu’s mama done learned him right, so he knew his manners real good. After he finished eating dinner that night he sent some people outside to bury Jezebel. After all, as Jehu pointed out, she was the daughter of a King. However, when the servants got out there to bury Jezebel all they found was her skull, her feet, and the palms of her hands. You know; the parts that dogs don’t like to eat.

When the servants reported back to Jehu he said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I’d almost forgotten. Yahweh did have a prophet tell me that Jezebel was going to be eaten by dogs. Praise be to Yahweh!”

Note: I always thought it was weird that the dogs would eat the fingers and the other bones, but not the palm. Isn’t the palm of a woman’s hand easier to eat or drag away than her femur?

Ref: 2 Kings 9

Ahab and His Dogs – It’s important to have canine friends

If it was important enough to write, it should be important enough to learn about

By the end of the First Book of Kings the king of Israel was named Ahab. At that time their most favored enemy was Syria. One day when the Leader of the tribe of Judah (Jehoshaphat) came to visit King Ahab, they got to talking about Ramoth. Ramoth was a region that used to be under Israeli control, but was currently occupied by Syria. Ahab decided it was time to take back Ramoth and Jehoshaphat was happy to help out, he just wanted Ahab to ask Jehovah first.

Ahab gathered together his personal cadre of prophets together, about 400 men, and asked them how things were going to turn out if they invaded Syria. The prophets gave him the green light, guaranteeing him that Jehovah would help Israel win. Jehoshaphat wasn’t sure 400 prophets were enough so he asked if there were any more. Turn out there was this one guy named Micaiah, but Ahab didn’t like him because he didn’t have very nice things to say about Ahab.

So they send for Micaiah who agrees to make a prediction, but he was only going to say what Jehovah told him to. Ahab agreed and Micaiah said, “Go ahead and invade Ramoth. God will make sure you win.” Ahab was a pretty smart guy and he replied, “Bullshit man! How many times have I told you to tell me the truth?” So Micaiah comes clean and tells Ahab that he is definitely going to die. In fact, Micaiah went on for a bit about how God was tricking Ahab into attacking Ramoth so he would die. He said, “Ok, here’s the deal. I saw Jehovah sitting on his throne in Heaven and he asked the host of heaven who was going to help him trick you into attacking Ramoth. Then I saw this one super fancy angel walk up to God and say, ‘Yeah, I got ya. I’ll go be a lying spirit for Ahab’s prophets to make sure they trick him.’ “

One of Ahab’s prophets heard this and walked over to Micaiah and pimp-slapped him saying, “What the Hell man? Where the hell do you get off? You are so full of shit man. You better watch your back. I’m just saying.” Ahab sided with pimp-slapping prophet and had Micaiah thrown into prison.

Just to be safe though, Ahab disguised himself and had Jehoshaphat dress up in his clothes for the battle. During the battle the Syrian forces went straight for the guy in the King’s clothes, but when Jehoshaphat started screaming hysterically and ran away they figured out they had been duped. Not that it did much good though. You see, some random guy shot a random arrow that randomly hit Ahab. Like I mentioned earlier, Ahab was pretty smart so he noticed that he’d been hit by an arrow and said to his chariot driver, “Turn thy hand, and carry me out of the host; for I am wounded.”

It didn’t take Ahab very long to die after getting hit by the arrow. In that time though he managed to make a huge mess of the chariot, bleedin’ all over the place like it was goin’ out of style. Fortunately Ahab had a lot of dogs and they were able to lick the chariot clean.

Now just remember that if God wants you dead, it’s pretty easy for Him to deceive a whole bunch of prophets into thinking He doesn’t want you dead, then make some random arrow hit you.

Ref: 1 Kings 22:1-39