Mercury Poisoning – A great way to slowly weed out the top of the food chain

I wonder if the ancient Hebrews had a good grasp on toxicology.

Somewhere around 430 BC the great Jewish prophet Malachi was responsible for about 1,500 words that made it into the Bible. Most of it was doom and gloom stuff about how Jehovah was going to destroy his people and stuff. However, if you pay close attention to the first chapter of Malachi you can uncover a secret plot against the Great One.

After a millennium and a half the Hebrews got tired of giving all the best bread and animals to Jehovah. They weren’t ready to just stop performing blood rituals and stuff though so they came up with a new master plan. Here’s the deal: if you have to play with blood, fat, and fire to keep Jehovah happy; why not kill the unhealthy animals to do it? Also, if you have to waste bread on Jehovah, why not use old crappy bread that you were going to throw out anyway?

The plan was implemented pretty smoothly with concurrence from the priests that actually butchered the animals, played with the blood, burned the fat and kidneys, and ate the meat. That’s right. The priests of the Great Jehovah were perfectly happy to play around with damaged goods. There was just one problem: Jehovah can tell the difference between a blood sacrifice of an unblemished animal, and one that has a limp or a funny complexion.

Jehovah was NOT happy with the change. I mean, I understand the bread. That was pretty obvious. There is a clear difference between fresh bread, and that stale moldy crap the descendents of Abraham were feeding Jehovah. The blood though, that’s different. You and I may not be able to tell the difference, but if a cow pulled a ligament and was then sacrificed; that blood is crap! You might as well collect dog poo, moldy straw, and torn upholstery to feed to your god.

Jehovah was so upset that eventually He cursed his people like this: “Cursed be the people that try to deceive me with shitty blood. I am a great King and unbelievers are afraid of me!” (Malachi 1:14)

Here’s the conspiracy: I think the people weren’t just trying to keep their healthy breeding stock around by feeding Jehovah impure blood. I think they’d gotten tired of Jehovah always pushing them around by destroying cities, causing droughts and floods, killing people and a whole litany of other stuff. They knew Jehovah was too tough for them to confront directly, but maybe, just maybe Jehovah wouldn’t notice a pulled ligament here, or a missing eye there. The people must have hoped that these impurities would build up in Jehovah like mercury in a shark. Eventually they would pass some unknown critical level that would either incapacitate or kill their god.

Moral: Jehovah notices.

Ref: Malachi 1:6-14

Saul Doesn’t Kill All The Animals – It’s the same as witchcraft

You know, because what God says really isn’t all that important anyway

In the first book of Samuel chapter 15, Jehovah told King Saul that he needed to take his army down to Amalek and kill all the men, women, children, babies, oxen, sheep, camels, and asses (1 Samuel 15:3). Saul was very happy to help Jehovah lay down a little more genocide so he gathered together 210,000 fighting men and headed to Amalek. The Hebrew army handily dispatched the Amalekian army and killed all the women, children, and babies before moving on to the livestock.

Here’s the thing though: Saul’s army didn’t kill ALL the animals. The very most healthy and beautiful ones were kept alive so they could be sacrificed to Jehovah. The silly Hebrews figured that since Jehovah was always telling people to kill super attractive animals on stone altars and burn their blood He would like some Amalekian animal blood too. They also took the King of Amalek captive instead of killing him. Jehovah immediately noticed that Saul didn’t do what he was told so He sent his prophet Samuel to have a chat with Saul.

Samuel showed up at the Hebrew army camp and Saul rushed over to tell him how wonderfully the genocide went, praise the lord, and all that. Samuel looked around and said, “Um, so what’s with all the sheep and oxen then?” Saul very patiently explained how after the army finished killing the babies, they were super happy and wanted to kill some of the pretty animals and feed Jehovah the blood. You know, to repay Jehovah’s kindness in letting them kill all those babies.

Samuel was clearly annoyed that Saul didn’t even seem to understand how he failed to do what Jehovah wanted. Samuel carefully controlled himself and said, “Saul, do you really think Jehovah would rather have burnt animal blood than have people do what He says? Listen stupid, Jehovah ALWAYS wants obedience first. If you don’t do exactly what Jehovah says you are guilty of rebellion against God, which is exactly the same bad as being a witch!”

Saul didn’t like the sound of that and said, “Oh no! I have sinned! Please forgive me so I can return to the worship of my god.” Of course that was too little too late and Samuel simple said, “Because you rejected your God’s will, you have now been rejected from being king!” Then Samuel demanded to see the king of Amalek and cut him up into little pieces.

Saul and Samuel never saw each other after that, and Jehovah said He was sorry He ever made Saul king.

Moral: if you don’t kill ALL the animals, you’ll make God regret giving you the responsibility to commit genocide.

Ref: 1 Samuel 15

Daughter Selling – There are rules for everything

If you have to raise a daughter, you can recoup some of the loss by selling her

Yahweh is super smart. He is so smart that he knew a lot of Hebrews were going to be selling their daughters and needed some rules for the buyers.

First Rule: Once a daughter is sold as a sex slave she doesn’t automatically go free after six years like the male Hebrew slaves.

Second Rule: If the sex slave isn’t good in bed and in the kitchen, the buyer has to sell her back to her father. He can’t sell her to foreigners because he broke the whole “I will buy you and make you my sex slave/house elf” contract.

Third Rule: If the new owner bought the girl so he could give her to his son for marriage, he has to give her all the rights and privileges he would give to his own daughter.

Fourth Rule: If the new owner buys another wife he can’t reduce the food, clothing, or sex he was giving the first wife/slave before the second purchase. If the owner fails to provide the sex, food, and clothes the sex slave goes free.

It’s a really good thing we have these rules, otherwise young girls, fathers, and prospective buyers would just be running around crazy all the time. That sort of chaos is clearly contrary to the statutes of a proper society. Hurray for Yahweh and his rules for the selling, buying, and disposal of those things men need for the sex and basket weaving.

Moral: before selling your daughter, check with your local religious leader to make sure you’re following the rules properly.

Ref: Exodus 21: 7-11

The Lost 10 Tribes – Oops, I seem to have misplaced something . . .

Speculating is SO much more fun than fact finding

After safely establishing themselves in Palestine, the people of Israel were very naughty and worshiped other gods; fancier and less real than Jehovah. Periodically Jehovah would cause really bad things to happen and the people would return to Him for a while before drifting away again. The ultimate culmination of this behavior pattern took place sometime about 720 BC. The Assyrians smashed the Kingdom of Israel and took all the Hebrews except the ones in the tribe of Judah away and resettled them elsewhere. These Hebrews never returned to Palestine. Dun dun dun . . .

But what happened to these people?

There is no general consensus. The evil sciencey types claim that the missing tribes thing never actually happened and was an invention of the Medieval Europeans so they could claim they were the true descendants of these lost tribes and therefore part of the “people of God.” They say there is no physical evidence and stuff. Pfft! As if God wouldn’t hide the evidence to force us to rely on faith anyway.

There are many different ethnic groups in the world that could be descended from one tribe or another, Ethiopian Jews, the Japanese, Cimmerians, the Brits, Iranian Jews, the Irish, Pakistanis, the Kurds, several different ethnic groups in India, and the indigenous people of the Americas. Lots of people (mostly Americans and Brits) believe the ten tribes were the “barbarian tribes” that spread across Europe, like after the fall of Rome and stuff.



Picture of Earth taken from the NPIEE website



Of course all these theories are wrong. The Lost Hebrews all live inside the Earth. You see, the Earth is hollow and the Lost Tribes have flourished down there. They have a very complex civilization and some population estimates place their number near a billion.

There is an entrance to the “Hollow Earth” near the North Pole and currently efforts are underway to find that entrance and enter into contact with these noble individuals. I understand that you may find this idea strange and you may not believe me. Luckily you don’t have to take my word for it. You can read all about it here.

Moral: The Earth is hollow and people live there. Disrespect at your peril.

Ref: 2 Kings 17

The Philistines take the Arc – The Lord works in mysterious ways

This is the way it went down? Really?

It just so happened that after Moses but before King David the Hebrews lived near the Philistines. Well, the Hebrews figured they should just go ahead and kill all the Philistines and take their stuff. After all, it had worked very well for them in the past. So they all line up and have this big battle where the Philistines kick the piss out of the Hebrews, killing several thousand of them.

The Hebrews weren’t used to losing so this kinda threw them for a loop, but as luck would have it, some of the Hebrew leaders had seen Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Arc. They remembered how those German guys said the Arc would make any army who possessed it invincible. In another stroke of luck, they actually had the arc. So they sent some people to fetch the thing. When it arrived the Hebrew army got super excited because they were sure they could win by using the Arc. The Philistines had seen the film too, so they were genuinely concerned. These Philistines weren’t the kind to run away from a fight though, so they engaged the Hebrews again.

Well, it turns out the Arc wasn’t really all that, so the Philistines were still able to massacre the invading Hebrews; taking out another 30 thousand. They also captured the Arc and took it to the temple of their god, Dagon. Even though the Jehovah couldn’t be bothered to help his chosen people win the fight against the Philistines, he didn’t like them having the Arc, so with all his Godly might, he made the statue of Dagon fall over sometime during the night. That’s right, God made a statue fall down while nobody was looking.

The Philistines thought it was weird their statue had fallen over, so they put it back up. God wasn’t about to let them get away with that, so he made the statue fall over AGAIN the next night. This time though, the statue’s hands and head broke off. Good thing the Philistine priests were incredibly superstitious because they figured if their statue had fallen twice it must be bad news. They blamed the falls on the Arc and sent it away to a different Philistine city. When the arc got there everybody got sick. After this the Philistines figured the Arc wasn’t worth the trouble if it made statues fall down and made people sick, so they sent it to the Hebrew city of Beth-shemite.

The Hebrews in Beth-shemite hadn’t seen Raiders of the Lost Arc because they couldn’t afford a surround sound upgrade for their theater and Lucas Arts was only allowing screenings in THX theaters. Therefore they didn’t know how the movie ended. In any case, they were super excited to see the Arc and opened it to have a look inside.

For those of you who have not seem Raiders of the Lost Arc, let me explain what happens when you open the thing. First you see that there’s nothing in there but dust, then strange lights appear and a big wind comes out of nowhere. Then demonic looking creatures start flying through the air killing everyone that isn’t smart enough to close their eyes and at least one person has their face melted off. If you believe the biblical account, 50,070 men died that way.

I think this is sad because it shows that God only punishes the Philistines for messing with the Arc by making some dumb statue fall down, but he’s perfectly happy to melt the faces off his Hebrew buddies.

Ref: 1 Samuel 4-6