Abraham’s Plan for Murder – Yahweh has it in for Isaac

The best part is that Abraham didn’t think it was weird when God told him to kill his son

After years of trying, Abraham and his wife/cousin Sarah finally made a baby. They named him Isaac and he immediately became the favorite child. Sarah was so excited about Isaac. She wanted Isaac to be the uncontested heir of all the family wealth so she convinced Abraham to get rid of his sex slave Hagar and their 14-year-old son Ishmael.

Several years later, Yahweh got really bored one day (more jealous than bored, really) and decided to mess with his good friend Abraham. He showed up at Abraham’s tent and said, “You sent away Ishmael so now you only have one son. I know you love this new son more than anything. That doesn’t work really well for me, so I need you to prove you still like me best by taking Isaac on a little trip and then sacrificing him to me as a burnt offering. You know how I love those.”

I suppose Abraham was at least a little upset by this, even though the bible doesn’t say so, because he waited until the next morning before taking Isaac, two slaves, a donkey, and wood for a fire out for a walk. They walked for three days to get to the place Yahweh wanted Isaac killed; then Abraham stopped and told the slaves to wait with the donkey. He and Isaac then wandered off to be alone. Of course Abraham made Isaac carry the wood.

Isaac was a little confused and asked his father, “I see you have a knife and a torch while I carry the wood for a sacrifice, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham lied to Isaac and said, “The Lord will provide.” Because of the lie I’m sure Isaac was shocked pretty bad when Abraham tied him up and laid him on the wood. He may have even cried out for help, but of course the slaves had been ordered to stay with the donkey.

Abraham picked up the knife and just as he laid it on his son’s neck, Yahweh decided He’d had His fun and sent an angel to stop Abraham from committing filicide. The angel told Abraham he didn’t have to kill his only acknowledged son anymore because he’d demonstrated that he still loved Yahweh more than anything else.

Then, because Yahweh still wanted to feast on blood, fat, and kidneys; He magically provided Abraham with a ram. The ram was substituted for Isaac and Yahweh got his burnt offering. However, Yahweh was going to have to wait a long time before the descendants of Abraham started offering human sacrifices.

Moral: Don’t have a favorite son or God will get all jealous and stuff.

Ref: Genesis 21-22

Pretty Non-Combatants – Enjoying the spoils of war

This makes me wonder who gets first pick.

The United States is not a Christian nation. This may seems like a bold statement to some so let me explain. If the US was a Christian nation, its soldiers and citizens would obey the laws of God. This almost never happens. You might expect such a statement to be followed by a lecture on charity or something. If so, you are wrong. Today we are going to examine God’s laws regarding the capture and rape of pretty girls in a combat zone.

Here is what God tell the male soldiers to do:

When you go to war and win, you should examine everyone you haven’t killed (taken captive). If you see a particularly beautiful woman and want to have sex with her, you take her home. Once she’s there you have to shave her head and trim her fingernails. Then you have to buy her new clothes and give her one month to cry about being separated from her parents and being forced into sex slavery. After that you are legally married and can start having the sex.

If you like the sex, the looks, and the personality you can keep her forever. However, if after the sex happens you decide you don’t like her, you have to let her go. Don’t even think about selling her though. God won’t allow you to treat her like merchandise because you raped/married her.

Now, you may argue that the US is trying to be a Christian nation by gang raping POWs and non-combatants; but deep down in your heart you know this isn’t true. If American soldiers were really following the word of God, they wouldn’t just rape people. First they would take them home, shave their heads, trim their nails, and buy them new clothes; then wait a full month before committing the rape. Oh, and because God doesn’t endorse polyandry (many men, one woman) there could be no gang rape.

Moral: nobody does what God wants anymore. Are we all dammed?

Ref: Deuteronomy 21:10-14

Daughter Selling – There are rules for everything

If you have to raise a daughter, you can recoup some of the loss by selling her

Yahweh is super smart. He is so smart that he knew a lot of Hebrews were going to be selling their daughters and needed some rules for the buyers.

First Rule: Once a daughter is sold as a sex slave she doesn’t automatically go free after six years like the male Hebrew slaves.

Second Rule: If the sex slave isn’t good in bed and in the kitchen, the buyer has to sell her back to her father. He can’t sell her to foreigners because he broke the whole “I will buy you and make you my sex slave/house elf” contract.

Third Rule: If the new owner bought the girl so he could give her to his son for marriage, he has to give her all the rights and privileges he would give to his own daughter.

Fourth Rule: If the new owner buys another wife he can’t reduce the food, clothing, or sex he was giving the first wife/slave before the second purchase. If the owner fails to provide the sex, food, and clothes the sex slave goes free.

It’s a really good thing we have these rules, otherwise young girls, fathers, and prospective buyers would just be running around crazy all the time. That sort of chaos is clearly contrary to the statutes of a proper society. Hurray for Yahweh and his rules for the selling, buying, and disposal of those things men need for the sex and basket weaving.

Moral: before selling your daughter, check with your local religious leader to make sure you’re following the rules properly.

Ref: Exodus 21: 7-11