Amos – Telling it like it is since 766 BC

Whenever someone tells you that Jehovah is going to fuck you up, PAY ATTENTION!

Amos ended up in the Bible because he loved telling the future. He even accurately predicted how Jehovah was going to kick Israel’s ass for being complacent. Here’s how it went: Amos said, “Woe unto them that are at ease in Zion” (Amos 6:1 KJV) and assured them they would either be taken captive or killed “very soon.”

That may seem kinda harsh but there were a ton of problems with the Israelites back in those days. For example: some of the Hebrews had ivory couches and were able to enjoy fresh lamb and veal. Some of them were making music and dancing, just like when David was king! Some of them had the gall to drink wine out of bowls! Even the harshest of Jehovah’s critics has to admit that’s some really disturbing shit.

Of course Jehovah had to take action to deal with all the couch sitting and bowl drinking. Through His prophet Amos Jehovah told the world – well, errr . . . ; I guess He didn’t tell the world really. He just made some anti-social loser write it down and hide it away to be found much later. Anyway, Jehovah promised to make sure those veal-eaters were taken captive FIRST, you know before everyone else was dragged out of Palestine too. Also, any household with ten men in it would be wiped out. Yep the 10 men thing meant you had to die instead of being relocated to Persia.

It’s a damn shame really, if only Jehovah had told the people he was upset, they might have stopped using bowls to drink wine and eating young animals. He may have even convinced some of those “10 men” households to split up. Because dumb old Jehovah would only talk to half-mad losers, nobody got the message and everyone that wasn’t miserable all the time got screwed.

Moral: God may not tell you that you’re in trouble, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t.

Ref: Amos 6

"Ajax and Cassandra"
by Solomon Joseph Solomon, 1886

This story reminded me of the tale of Cassandra from Greek Mythology. Around 1200 BC there was this super hot princess of Troy. Her name was Cassandra. She was so hot that the god Apollo gave her the gift of prophesy. It didn't end there though. Apollo also tried to get it on with Princess Cassandra, but she wanted a ring first. This didn't work for Apollo so he cursed her so that no one would ever believe any of her predictions, or the predictions of her descendants.

This was a bummer for everyone because Cassandra foresaw the fall of Troy to the Greeks. She knew all about the Trojan Horse, the death of Agamemnon, and her own terrible end. Because of the curse no one would listen to her and Troy fell. Cassandra herself was raped by Ajax in the temple of Athena and she was later forced into marriage by Agamemnon and was later killed when Agamemnon's wife and her boyfriend took out both Agamemnon and Cassandra. The wife's boyfriend also made sure Agamemnon and Cassandra's twin sons were killed.

Don't worry though. The bible isn't the only book to borrow from the story of Cassandra. J.K. Rowlings does it too when she identifies Harry's diviniation teacher as the great-great-granddaughter of Cassandra Trelawney in The Order of the Phoenix.

King Ahasuerus puts women in their proper place – “get back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

The Epic of Esther in Four Parts: Part I

What? You’re wife thinks she should be allowed to wear shoes?

Ahasuerus was the king of Persia and Media. His kingdom stretched from India to Ethiopia. This made him very wealthy and kind of a bully. Prior to his rule there had been three major deportations of Jews to Babylon, so there were a lot of Jews around. This little piece of info will only become important in part two of this epic tale.

After Ahasuerus was king for three years he decided to have a big party for the princes of the different regions under his control. He was so damn rich the pre-boarding part of his party where he showed off his private collection of super awesome stuff lasted 180 days. Then the real party got started with all the food, wine, and exotic dancers such an event deserved. There was so much party vibe in the air that even the queen had her own ladies only party going.

On the seventh day of the party Ahasuerus was pretty damn drunk and he starting thinking something like this, “Damn man, these strippers ain’t got nothin’ on my wife. I mean, dat booty SO FINE! I got to get her down here so she can shake her booty for all my best bros here.” So Ahasuerus sent his chamberlains to fetch the queen. Now this is where it gets interesting. The queen REFUSED to leave her party so the King should show her off to his friends. She actually didn’t do as her husband commanded.

The tone of Ahasuerus’ party immediately changed. The king and his wise men got together to discuss the ramifications of the recent development. The queen didn’t do what she was told. They decided that not only did the queen disrespect her husband but also all the princes who didn’t get to appreciate her booty. Even worse, they figured that word would get out and other wives might just start doing whatever they wanted.

To handle the situation the King kicked the queen to the curb and issued a royal decree that all wives were required to do everything their husbands told them to, and I mean everything. Big things, small things, you name it, the woman does it. He sent this decree throughout his entire kingdom to make sure every man could rule his house with an iron fist. It’s a good thing too because, as you know, god created women to exists as an extension of a man’s will. Thank the great booty in the sky that Ahasuerus managed to codify this into law.

Ref: Esther 1