Christ on David's Throne - Some things are made to last

Do you suppose the chair is magic, or is it more of a symbolic thing?

Back a really long time ago, God decided that David would be the ruler of the Kingdom of Israel. Because the Israelites were God's chosen people, that Kingdom was destined to last forever. After God gave David the throne to the kingdom, the prophet Samuel came to David and said, "When your days are complete and you lie down with your fathers, I will raise up your descendant after you, who shall come forth from you, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for My name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever."

God gives King David "The Throne of Ages"

After the Babylonians embarrassed the Kingdom of Israel with its superior military might and enslaved most of the population, God's chosen people started thinking a lot about the promise of a "forever" kingdom and a messiah, or deliverer. Isaiah promised that sometime in the future, a descendant of David would once again sit upon David's throne. This messiah would usher in a new era of peace and rule forever, and ever, and ever. The end.

Isaiah Prophesies the Advent of Christ

800 years after Isaiah's promise, Jesus was born. The Babylonians weren't in charge of the Israelites anymore. Now it was the Romans who were calling the shots. Everyone wanted a messiah and Jesus was clearly the demigod for the job. You know, being the literal Son of God and all that jazz. Jesus sat on the throne and fixed everything.

Christ Rocks the Throne of David

Well almost everything I guess. I mean, there were a few Jewish rebellions against the Romans, and the Israelites were almost completely wiped off the face of the planet. I mean, only a few survived besides the ones living in other countries. But it's ok, really, because Jesus was still on the throne. After all, God did say Jesus would sit on it, "forever, and ever, and ever." I also heard that Jesus can't ever really die, so the throne sitting really can go on, and on, and on, and on . . . .

Forever and Ever

Moral: having a demigod sit on an antique chair doesn't necessarily prevent genocide.

Ref: 2 Samuel 7:12-16, Isaiah 9:6-7, & Isaiah 16:1-5

David Fetches the Ark – Jehovah kills Uzza

With God, the letter of the law is most important

One day king David was thinking about war and killing lots of people when he remembered the Ark of the Covenant. It used to be this cool thing that the Israeli armies carried with them, and if they were righteous, they would be able to kill more people than normal. The Ark hadn’t been used this way for many years, but David decided that it would be nice to keep around anyway.

So David got a huge group of people together to fetch the thing from Kirjathjearim and take it to the City of David. They put it in a brand new cart and everybody was walking alongside singing, dancing, and making music. It was a huge party. Everyone was having a fabulous time; until one of the oxen pulling the cart stumbled. The cart lurched and the ark started to fall. It looked like the trip was going to end in complete disaster; but then, a hero arose. One of the cart drivers, Uzza, reached out and grabbed the ark. He kept the ark safe. It didn’t fall. The day was won.

Just one problem though; God doesn’t like people touching the ark. When Uzza touched the sacred ark, God became angry. He reached forth his sacred arm, and smote the life right out of poor Uzza. As you can imagine, King David wasn’t very happy about God killing Uzza but there wasn’t really anything he could do about it other than name the place Perez-uzza in his honor. After the smiting incident David decided the ark was too dangerous to have around and left it with his buddy Obed-edom the Gittite.

Ref: 1 Chronicles 13

Moral: never touch God's junk.

Amos – Telling it like it is since 766 BC

Whenever someone tells you that Jehovah is going to fuck you up, PAY ATTENTION!

Amos ended up in the Bible because he loved telling the future. He even accurately predicted how Jehovah was going to kick Israel’s ass for being complacent. Here’s how it went: Amos said, “Woe unto them that are at ease in Zion” (Amos 6:1 KJV) and assured them they would either be taken captive or killed “very soon.”

That may seem kinda harsh but there were a ton of problems with the Israelites back in those days. For example: some of the Hebrews had ivory couches and were able to enjoy fresh lamb and veal. Some of them were making music and dancing, just like when David was king! Some of them had the gall to drink wine out of bowls! Even the harshest of Jehovah’s critics has to admit that’s some really disturbing shit.

Of course Jehovah had to take action to deal with all the couch sitting and bowl drinking. Through His prophet Amos Jehovah told the world – well, errr . . . ; I guess He didn’t tell the world really. He just made some anti-social loser write it down and hide it away to be found much later. Anyway, Jehovah promised to make sure those veal-eaters were taken captive FIRST, you know before everyone else was dragged out of Palestine too. Also, any household with ten men in it would be wiped out. Yep the 10 men thing meant you had to die instead of being relocated to Persia.

It’s a damn shame really, if only Jehovah had told the people he was upset, they might have stopped using bowls to drink wine and eating young animals. He may have even convinced some of those “10 men” households to split up. Because dumb old Jehovah would only talk to half-mad losers, nobody got the message and everyone that wasn’t miserable all the time got screwed.

Moral: God may not tell you that you’re in trouble, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t.

Ref: Amos 6

"Ajax and Cassandra"
by Solomon Joseph Solomon, 1886

This story reminded me of the tale of Cassandra from Greek Mythology. Around 1200 BC there was this super hot princess of Troy. Her name was Cassandra. She was so hot that the god Apollo gave her the gift of prophesy. It didn't end there though. Apollo also tried to get it on with Princess Cassandra, but she wanted a ring first. This didn't work for Apollo so he cursed her so that no one would ever believe any of her predictions, or the predictions of her descendants.

This was a bummer for everyone because Cassandra foresaw the fall of Troy to the Greeks. She knew all about the Trojan Horse, the death of Agamemnon, and her own terrible end. Because of the curse no one would listen to her and Troy fell. Cassandra herself was raped by Ajax in the temple of Athena and she was later forced into marriage by Agamemnon and was later killed when Agamemnon's wife and her boyfriend took out both Agamemnon and Cassandra. The wife's boyfriend also made sure Agamemnon and Cassandra's twin sons were killed.

Don't worry though. The bible isn't the only book to borrow from the story of Cassandra. J.K. Rowlings does it too when she identifies Harry's diviniation teacher as the great-great-granddaughter of Cassandra Trelawney in The Order of the Phoenix.

Solomon the Judge – Righteousness was never so creepy

Solomon the Wise or Saruman the White?

The wizards of Middle Earth were sent by the Valar (demi-gods) to help the people of Middle Earth stand against Sauron. They were immortal spirits called Maiar. While in Middle Earth, they took the physical form of old men, while retaining superior physical and mental power. This is how when Gandalf’s physical form died after his battle with a Balrog (the physical form of an evil and corrupted Maiar who became a servant of Morgoth thousands of years earlier) he could be restored to “life” by the supreme being, Eru Ilúvatar, so he could complete his mission.

In any case, Saruman was one of these Maiar turned old man helper. He was an expert in mechanical devices and metal working. He was also regarded at the most wise of his order. That’s right. He was Saruman the Wise and because he wore white robes he was called Saruman the White. Of course in the end it turned out that Saruman wasn’t good or wise at all. Instead of helping like he was supposed to, he tried to conquer all of Middle Earth using the tools of Sauron.

Hopefully you remember Solomon as the son of David and Bathsheba. He was their second son. Jehovah killed their first son to teach David a lesson about being a stupid jerkface rapist/murderer. Well, Solomon became King after his father died. Solomon was supposed to be a wise and righteous man, but in the bible it says he was righteous because he followed in his father’s footsteps (1 Kings 3:3). We know King David was a truly terrible person so I can only draw the conclusion that he was supposed to be righteous and good, but was really pretty shady and self-serving. This is why I call him Saruman the White instead of Solomon the Wise.

The biblical Saruman the White was seen as a really good boy, so one day Jehovah visited him in a dream and offered him a present of his own choosing. Because Saruman the White was so “wise” he knew to ask for an “understanding heart.” This request made Jehovah very happy and he gave Saruman the White a heart that was wiser and more understanding than any other heart that would ever exist on Earth.

Conveniently, the morning after the dream two hookers showed up at the royal palace with a dispute about a child. The mean hooker had accidently smothered her newborn while asleep and had switched it for the nice hooker’s living infant. Of course the mean hooker said it was a lie and the nice hooker had killer her own baby and was now trying to lay claim to the mean hooker’s baby.

Because Saruman the White really liked prostitutes, he agreed to judge the matter himself. After the hookers presented their arguments, Saruman used his wise and understanding heart to send someone for a sword. Then Saruman used his wise and understanding heart to tell one of his slaves to use that sword and “divide the living child in two” so each hooker could keep half of it.

The nice hooker didn’t want her baby murdered by a wise and understanding heart so she said, “No, no, no! Please don’t kill my baby. Just let the mean hooker have it instead.” Because the mean hooker wasn’t very smart, she didn’t realize she was ahead and told the King that it was a great idea. She said, “Yay! Cut the baby in half! That way the stupid nice hooker will never get her kid back!”

Of course Saruman the White could tell the kid would be much better off with the nice hooker than the mean one, so he gave her full parental rights and only gave the mean hooker a two hour supervised visit once a month.

When word spread about how the “wise and understanding heart” handled domestic disputes between prostitutes, everyone feared the king because they could tell that he had the “Wisdom of God.”

To misquote the 1961 Disney film 101 Dalmatians:

Look out for the Wisdom of God

Wisdom of God
Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you
No evil thing will
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom, Wisdom of God

The curl of God’s lips
The ice in God’s stare
All innocent children had better beware
God’s like a spider waiting for the kill
Look out for the Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

This vampire bat
This inhumane beast
God 'outta be locked up and never released
This world was such a wholesome place until
Wisdom, Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

At first you think God is the devil
But after time has worn away the shock
You've come to realize
You've seen His kind of eyes
Watching you from underneath a rock!

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

Look out for the Wisdom of God

Ref: 1 Kings 3

David and Bathsheba – When it rains, it pours

"It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." – Phoebe Buffay

My last post explained all about the early relationship between David and Bathsheba. If you haven’t read it, please do so now.

continuing on . . .

All King David’s ass-hattery didn’t go unnoticed by Jehovah who was displeased. Apparently He doesn’t like it when mortals try to edge in on his “nearly random acts of terrorism” bit, so He sent His prophet Nathan to have a little chat with David. Nathan told David this really sappy story about how some rich guy with tons of sheep killed and served for dinner the sheep of some poor guy who didn’t really have anything else in the world. This story made David mad. David immediately declared a sentence of death for the rich guy in the story.

I suppose David was supposed to understand that the story was a parable for his rape of Bathsheba and murder of her husband, but David wasn’t very bright so Nathan had to explain it to him very patiently. Rich man kills and eats beloved, single sheep; signifying how David rapes Bathsheba and has her husband killed. Then Nathan had a message from Jehovah for David. The message went something like this: “You are a jerk and because you secretly had sex with someone else’s wife, I’m going to make sure somebody has public sex with all your wives. Oh, and the kid you made with Uriah’s wife? Yeah. He’s going to die too now.”

So Jehovah struck the child and it became very ill. David was bummed that the kid was dying so he stopped eating and prayed a lot because he thought this would change God’s mind about the kid. It didn’t work though and after seven days the kid died. Once David figured out that acting all sad and whiny didn’t do any good after all, he washed up, got dressed, and sat down to a nice meal. His servants thought this was weird and asked, “What’s going on? You seemed really concerned when the child was dying, but now that he’s dead you’re acting fine.” David had a simple response, “Meh, can’t bring him back, so why bother with it?”

David didn’t like that the whole rape and murder thing didn’t get him a son, so he had more sex with Bathsheba (poor girl) until she had another son. David named this kid Solomon, which sounds an awful lot like Saruman.

Note: I’m bothered that nobody seems to care how badly David destroyed Bathsheba’s life. She was violently raped multiple times, her husband was murdered by the King (using the swords of the Ammonites), she was forced to marry her rapist and the murderer of her husband, and her son was murdered by Jehovah. There are no words.

I also don’t like how God’s solution to the problem is to have someone rape all of David’s wives. This is so unbelievably misogynistic, I can’t believe how any modern woman can read this and think God is OK.

Ref: 2 Samuel 12

David and Bathsheba – A tale of shame and disgrace for God’s chosen king

When God “gives” a man hundreds of wives and concubines with whom can have sex whenever he wants (because spousal rape is as old as marriage), he apparently starts to crave variety.

This tale starts with at “the time when kings go forth to battle.” That’s right; the bible actually defined a time of year for making battle. Apparently this is just after the New Year begins. I don’t know if the weather was better for war at that time of year, or our biblical predecessors had defined specific months for peace or war, or what. Anyway, it seems weird to me.

It just so happens that one particular year King David didn’t go to war with his buddies. Instead he stayed home for the bird watching season. Late one night when he was on his roof looking for “birds” he spotted a particularly attractive woman outside bathing in the moonlight. I imagine that was exactly like when Gilthanas caught Silvara bathing in Dragons of Winter Night. Well, except Silvara and Gilthanas were decent people/creatures and Bathsheba wasn’t a silver dragon posing as an elf.



"Water Maiden" by John E Kaufman

 In any case, King David was a filthy bastard ass-face piece of shit. So Ass-Face asked a servant who the hot chick was and learned she was Uriah’s wife. Well, Ass-Face didn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else so he sent some of his people to collect her. They brought Bathsheba to Ass-Face’s room and “he lay with her.” Of course the bible doesn’t say the king had this poor woman dragged from her bath to his room where he raped her repeatedly, but I can’t possible imagine it happening any other way. King Ass-Face was just that classy of a guy.

It wasn’t too long before Bathsheba learned the rape resulted in pregnancy. There was no abortion for rape victims in those days and Bathsheba was terrified her husband would have her stoned for getting pregnant without his help, as any woman who stepped out on her husband was put to death. She informed Ass-Face of the problem. He didn’t want the embarrassment that would come if word got out he was impregnating other men’s wives, so he came up with a plan to keep Uriah from letting the world know of his affinity for raping married women.

Ass-Face sent orders for Uriah to return home from battle for a brief vacation in the hope that Uriah would have sex with Bathsheba and wouldn’t notice the baby was born a little too early to be his. This plan didn’t work though. It turned out that Uriah was such a stand up guy that he refused to enter his home and partake of any special comforts while his boys were still out on the front lines. Ass-Face tried for several days to get Uriah to make a booty call, but eventually gave up and sent Uriah back to war with a message for his commander. The letter Uriah carried had very specific instructions on how Uriah should be utilized in combat to ensure his death.

After Uriah was safely dead Bathsheba was extremely distraught and mourned bitterly. I feel so incredibly bad for Bathsheba. Not only was she raped by King Ass-Face, her husband was executed so he wouldn’t cry foul concerning the King’s raping ways. Even worse, Bathsheba was forced into a marriage with Ass-Face and bore him a son.

Note: This story really, really makes me mad. King David was such a horrible, horrible person and has been revered for many centuries as a righteous and successful king of Israel for his influence/longevity and his ability to apply sufficient violence to keep the Philistines in check while expanding the borders of his kingdom.

Ref: 2 Samuel 11

King David Numbers the People of God – Jehovah is an asshole

I don’t understand how I used to read these and think they were OK

One day Jehovah was angry with the Israeli people. Of course this happened really frequently but this time was special because Jehovah was feeling particularly dickish and wanted to make sure another of His abhorrent acts was documented. To this end He went to have a chat with King David. Jehovah said, “I command you to obtain a proper count of the people of Israel and Judah.” This seemed really reasonable to King David because he knew that Moses had once obtained a similar count as reported in Numbers Chapter One.

So King David did as he was commanded and told the supreme commander of the Israeli forces (Joab) to obtain a count. Joab thought this was a little crazy and said, “Ok, I’m sure Jehovah will increase the number of your people 100 times and I pray you live to see it, but I don’t get why you insist on counting them.” Of course Joab’s concern was ignored and the people were counted. This count took nine months and twenty days. At the end of this time Joab reported that King Davids army of fighting men numbered 1,300,000.

After David received the final count his heart told him he had sinned by doing as the Lord commanded. Jehovah then told his Prophet Gad to have a chat with David. Gad went straight to the King’s palace and said to David, “Ok, here’s the deal. God is mad at Israel because you did as He commanded. Because you are the King, God says you get to choose the punishment. There will be seven years of famine, you must flee from your enemies for three months, or there will be three days of pestilence.

King David didn’t care for the idea of running from anyone so he said, “Ok then. Let’s go with one of the god-sent things. Either of those will be just fine, just make sure that I don’t end up having to flee from mere mortals.” This was just what Jehovah wanted when he commanded David to number the people, and He immediately sent a disease-carrying angel. After the disease killed 70,000 men in the countryside the angel started toward Jerusalem. Before it got there though Jehovah decided He wasn’t really all that mad anymore and told the angel to stop killing people.

Because Jehovah didn’t want anyone to think he was going soft he gave King David a really complicated set of instructions to stop the plague. First, David had to buy Arunah the Jebusite’s threshing floor. Then, David had to build an altar to the Lord there. Finally, David was to make burnt offerings and peace offerings. Once this was finished, Jehovah officially stopped killing people.

Moral: Don’t forget to NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES trust the Christian God. He is a total prick that will command you to do something and then kill a whole bunch of innocent people if you do as you are told and kill you if you disobey.

Ref: 2 Samuel 24

David vs. Saul – Michal tricks her father

Everything considered, I’d much rather have Michal on my team than Saul

After David won the hand of King Saul’s daughter Michal by giving Saul all those Philistine foreskins, Saul decided (once again) that David needed to die. To this end Saul gathered up his servants and his son Jonathan. He told them they needed to kill David.

Now Jonathan was a huge fan of David. Indeed I’ve heard it suggested that they were secret lovers. Anyway, Jonathan went to visit David and told him that Saul was trying to have him killed (again). He told David to hide in a secret place, then he would take his father Saul to a field by that secret place where they could talk about David, then he would tell David what was decided.

Jonathan told his father not to kill David because David was a good guy and had even killed Goliath. He said that it would be a sin to spill the blood of an innocent man. Well, this convinced Saul to not have David killed and Saul swore in the name of the Lord that David would not be slain. Jonathan let David know about Saul’s change of heart and once again David was allowed to hang out around Saul.

This much safer arrangement lasted until after the next war with the philistines. David distinguished himself in the field and Saul remembered that David was a famous war hero. Because Saul didn’t want anyone other than himself to be famous, the next time he saw David he tried to kill him with a javelin. David was smart enough to flee after the javelin throwing incident and hid in his house.

Saul sent messengers to David’s house to keep watch over it and kill David in the morning. David’s wife Michal was smart enough to know what was going on so she helped David escape out the window during the night. Then she made a fake David out of a small statue and a goat hair pillow. The next day when the servants knocked on the door Michal told them David was sick and couldn’t get out of bed. After they reported this to Saul they were sent back to carry the bed to Saul so he could kill David himself.

It didn’t take long for Saul to figure out it wasn’t really David in the bed (think the ring wraith scene in the prancing pony where they stab the pillows). He immediately demanded to know why his daughter Michal had deceived him. Michal answered him by saying, “I had to do it. David told me he would kill me if I didn’t help him.” Of course this was a blatant lie but I guess Michal didn’t want her dad to kill her for helping her husband escape death.

What awesome family dynamics, eh?

Ref: 1 Samuel 19

Hallelujah – Another Great Bible-Inspired Song

I love this song

This song was first released in December of 1984. It was written and performed by the Canidian singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen. I first heard it while watching the movie Shrek. The film uses a cover by Rufus Wainwrigt that is simply stunning.

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Link to the Shrek Soundtrack, if you’re interested.

Isaiah warns us about Jesus – You better eat your vegetables or Jesus will get you!

There’s nothing better than religion for instilling fear

One of the things that Christian bible scholars really love to do is tie Old Testament passages to Jesus. This is intended to prove that Jesus literally is Jehovah and he told the old Testament prophets to let people know that he would be coming in the flesh as a true descendent of King David.

One of the passages attributed to Jesus is Isaiah 8:14-15. If these Christian scholars are correct then “God Made Flesh” will provide safety, but not to the Israelites. Instead he will be an insurmountable obstacle in the form of a giant rock free from concern for mankind. He will be a snare (trap) for the inhabitants of Jerusalem and many of the Israeli people will either trip over the giant rock, fall, and break or be snared and taken.

This makes Isaiah 8:13 sensible: “Sanctify the Lord of hosts himself; and let him be your fear, and let him be your dread (KJV).”

Hopefully you are reading this the same way I am. Jesus/Jehovah was supposed to come in Isaiah’s future to cause Israel to fall, to harm the people, to destroy hope. If you don’t fear Jesus then you are defying his own commandment given through one of his better known prophets: the great Isaiah.

The whole thing makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yay.

Ref: Isaiah 8:14-15

Now King David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

Bible stories by Matt often illustrate the magical properties of a virgin woman

When King David got old he had a hard time keeping warm, because we all know how cold it is in the Middle East. His slaves kept piling blankets on him, but he just wouldn’t stop bitching about how cold he was. Of course the obvious solution for any of King David’s problems was to find a young virgin for him. Now pay attention. If you are going to use a woman instead of an electric blanket, she absolutely has to be super hot, and totally have never let a penis inside her vagina. This made everyone in King David’s huge collection of wives ineligible because they were either ugly, or had sex with David or his son Absilon, or both (ref: 2 Samuel 16:21-22).

Once this course of action was decided upon, those faithful to the King went on a huge hot-chick hunt to find a virgin who was attractive enough for the King. Finally they found this girl named Abishag. She was definitely hot enough, and virgin enough to climb under the covers with the king and keep him warm. At this point King David really wanted to be warm, and he knew the magicial warmness exuded by a hot virgin so he managed to refrain from sticking his penis in Abishag (or maybe it was just her name that turned him off).

I always felt bad for Ahishag because I reckon that for an attractive girl in the countryside of Israel in King David’s time to still be a virgin she must have been pre-pubescent because I’m pretty sure families sold off their daughters at menarche. Also, she had to spend all her time under a blanket with wrinkly old King David and breathe in unwashed old person smell all day, ick!

Ref: 1 Kings 1:1-4

Samuel and the Witch of Endor – Who needs a living prophet if you have a witch who can talk to dead ones?

I think the papal conclave should use a witch to decide who gets to be the next pope. It seems to deliver pretty good results.

After the prophet Samuel died King Saul was unable to get any instruction from Jehovah. He tried other prophets, dreaming, praying, and the Urim and Thummim but nothing worked. He had a big battle with the Philistines coming up and he really wanted some sort of magical guidance so he asked one of his servants to find a witch he could ask. The servant said, “I’m not sure there are any, I mean you had all the witches and wizards kicked out of your kingdom some time ago. I’ll do some asking around and get back to you though.”

After a little research the servant returned and said, “Ok, it turns out there is a witch of Endor that may be able to help.” This didn’t sound right to King Saul who asked, “Endor, really? You mean the inhabitable forest moon of Endor where the Ewoks live? Where Han and Leah finally accept their love for each other? And just how do you propose we get there?”

The servant answered, “No sir. You misunderstand. Endor is ALSO the name of a village in Canaan. The Witch of Endor lives in that village, not in a galaxy far, far away.” After about a minute Saul’s brain was able to sort through these conflicting ideas and he said, “Oh, OK. I guess I’ve watched Return of the Jedi too many times. I mean, that was my favorite Star Wars movie. The forest scenes were great. The final space battle where the second death star was destroyed was cinematically spectacular and I really liked how the theme of Anakin Skywalker’s redemption emerged toward the end. I mean, I’ve always been a huge fan of death-bed repentance.


Scene from Return of the Jedi

So King Saul put on a disguise and went to visit the Witch of Endor. When he asked her to call up the Samuel’s spirit so they could chat the witch was skeptical at first. She said, “Now you know the King kicked out all the witches and wizards, right? What are you trying to do, get me killed?” So Saul swore that as long as Jehovah was alive, the witch would not be punished for working magic.

The witch was convinced so she called up Samuel, but as soon as he appeared the witch kinda freaked out a little bit and said, “Oh hell no! YOU are Saul? You’re the king that’s been trying so hard to put me in an unemployment line? Why have you deceived me, and where do you get off; coming to ask ME for help after the evil you’ve done to witches and wizards everywhere?”


Saul and the Witch of Endor by Salvator Rosa 1668
© RMN, Musée du Louvre / Daniel Arnaudet

 Saul still wanted answers so he said, “Be not afraid. Just tell me what you see.” The woman said unto Saul, “An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle.” This description was plenty good enough for Saul who then bowed down before the apparition.

The magic vision of Samuel then spoke to Saul; saying, “Why have you disturbed my slumber, hmmmm?” Saul explained that he couldn’t get any feedback from Jehovah about the upcoming battle. Then Samuel said, “That’s because God doesn’t like you anymore. He wants David to be King now so he is going to make your armies lose tomorrow and you will die. Then all your sons will die too just so there’s no trouble with the succession later.”

Saul was really upset so he had to lie down for a while. Then the witch fed him and sent him on his way.

Moral: if Jehovah doesn’t like you, getting help from a witch isn’t going to do you much good.

Ref: 1 Samuel 28

The Brass Serpent’s Ignoble End – How the Israelites should have taken better care of their things

That’s right, snakes are still awesome.

After King David died the Israelites went through a pretty rapid succession of kings. Some of them were Jehovah lovers and some of them preferred other gods. One good thing about the Israelites though is they never threw away religious relics. Therefore, they still had the super awesome brass serpent Moses made to keep Jehovah’s flying fire snake poison from killing the entire Hebrew population.

Many of the Israelites figured the best way to get through this troubled time was to put their faith in the Brass Serpent’s ability to protect them. The serpent had already shown it was stronger than Jehovah, and it looked like their best bet to ward off crap from other gods as well. For this most part this was working out pretty well. The Israelites weren’t wiped out by either Jehovah or warriors from a surrounding kingdom throughout the entire time they worshiped the brass serpent.

Then this ass-munch Jehovah-lover Hezekiah became the king of Judah (part of the nation of Israel). One of his first acts was to destroy the Brass Serpent. This clearly turned out to be a mistake because six short years later all of Israel was captured by the King of Assyria who made almost all of them leave the “promised land” and took them to Assyria to live.

Lesson: if you have a super awesome brass snake that’s so badass it can keep God from killing you, don’t break it!

Ref: 2 Kings 18

David and the Foreskins – A tale of inappropriate touching

Just like history class, but shorter

King David’s life is pretty thoroughly chronicled in the bible, from before he killed Goliath by throwing a rock at him, to his death. This tale takes place after the rock-throwing incident but before David becomes King.

At this time David is a war leader of the Israelites and works for King Saul. His main job is to kill Philistines. Because David is super sexy and extra good at killing people the Israeli people really like him. They like him more than the king which is a problem because King Saul doesn’t like competition. So God sends an evil spirit upon Saul who then throws a couple of javelins at David trying to not only kill him, but also pin him to the wall. Well, David dodges the javelins and this really freaks out Saul who figures this could only happen if God had decided to no longer like Saul, but like David instead. So naturally Saul moved David out of the palace and made him the captain of a fighting force of 1000 men.

The obvious solution is that David must die now, since God likes him. Saul had already figured out he couldn’t kill David so he tried to foist it off on the Philistines. Saul told David he could marry his daughter Merab (Saul’s daughter, not David’s) if he would just fight some more against the Philistines, figuring that eventually David would die. Well, this didn’t work. David didn’t die. To get even with David for not dying, Saul married off his daughter Merab to someone else.

Saul’s next move was to tell David he could marry a different daughter, Michal. Well David was pretty sure he didn’t have enough money to buy one of the King’s daughters but that was ok. You see, the King’s messengers told David all he would need to do was bring the king 100 Philistine foreskins. Saul was sure this would get David killed and he could go back to being God’s favorite.

I don’t know what the hell was wrong with Saul. He must have forgotten about David’s 1000 fighting men. Anyway, they pretty easily went over to Philistine, killed 200 men and cut off their foreskins. David took the foreskins and gave them to Saul who then gave David his daughter Michal in trade as promised.

Now this story proves how cool David was. You see, when someone asks David for 100 foreskins, he brings them 200. Go foreskins!

Ref: 1 Samuel 18

David vs. Goliath – With God, all things are possible

Putting well-known stories in their proper context

So Israel and the Philistines had this long-standing agreement. In battle the Philistines would beat the hell out of the Israelites for a long time, then every once in a while God would help out a little and the Israelites would briefly have the upper hand.

One day the Philistines and Israelites lined up on opposite sides of a valley Braveheart style and started making noise at each other. Then this early version of André the Giant came out of the Philistine crowd wearing an M1A2 Abrams (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M1_Abrams) worth of armor and told the Israelis that instead of a regular fight this time, they were going to have a one-on-one arena style conflict to decide everything. Apparently the Israelis were morons because they didn’t just mass rush the Philistines and at the same time decided they could never find anyone cool enough to take on the armored monster. Apparently the Israeli people didn’t know about Hulk Hogan.

As luck would have it there was this boy named David who’s regular job was to sing to the Israeli king, but had been sent home to take care of his father’s sheep on account of the war. After André the Giant had been challenging the Israelis to provide him a fight every day for some time, David’s dad gave him some bread and cheese and told him to take the bread to his brothers in the army and give the cheese to their boss (probably to get them light duty or something).

When David showed up he learned about the whole mess with André the Giant and freaked out because the Israelis were being such pussies and tried to run right out and beat the shit out of André. The Israelis stoped him and took him to the King (David’s boss). David convinced the King he was up to the task because one time a bear stole a lamb from his flock and he grabbed that bear by the chin and punched it in the head until it died.

So David picked up a couple of little rocks, put on a black mask, and went out the meet André the Giant in the field. I wasn’t there so I don’t actually know how things went down, but I imagine it went something like this:

The Man In Black approaches the boulders, then slows to a walk. A rock explodes against a boulder just in front of him, he draws his sword. Fezzik emerges, holding another rock.
Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.
Man In Black: I believe you. Pause. So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as God intended... sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Man In Black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: Raising rock. I could kill you now.
Man In Black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. He sets down his sword.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. Tosses rock away. The Man In Black charges Fezzik twice, to no effect, grunting with the impact.
Man In Black: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die feeling bad. The Man In Black dodges Fezzik and rolls away.
Fezzik: You're quick.
Man In Black: And a good thing, too.
Fezzik: Why are you wearing a mask? Fezzik swipes at him. Were you burned by acid or something like that? Swipe.
Man In Black: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future. Swipe. The man in black jumps on Fezzik's back.
Fezzik: I just figured why you give me so much trouble. Smashes man in black against a rock, he groans.
Man In Black: Why's that, do you think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. Been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing. Smashes into another rock.
Man In Black: Why should that make such a... Fezzik backs the Man in Black into a boulder, knocking his breath out. Difference?
Fezzik: Slowing down. Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried... about ... one.

Then, because this was taking a long time, David Jumped off André the Giant’s back and threw one of the little rocks at his head. 

Modern "sling shot" version of David's sling.

 

Obviously a small rock to the head is always fatal, so André fell to the ground dead. Then just to be sure David picked up André’s sword and used it to separate the giant’s head from his neck, proving once again that if you can punch a bear to death, you can kill a professional wrestler with a rock (and a giant sword).

Note: Dialogue from the Rob Reiner film "The Princess Bride" taken from http://princessbride.8m.com/script.htm

Ref: 1 Samuel 17

 

 

King David’s Kids – And I thought my family was weird

Sharing Our Cultural Heritage

So King David (that guy that killed Goliath by throwing a rock at him) ended up super rich and had like hundreds of wives, so I guess statistically this was bound to happen sooner or later.

David’s son Amnon was hot for sister. Now, Amnon figured he couldn’t get himself a piece of that action because sister (Tamar) was a virgin which apparently made her off limits. Amnon was so hard up he stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. Fortunately Amnon had a much more pragmatic friend who sorted out a solution. He told Amnon to pull a Ferris Bueller and pretend to be sick, then when daddy came by to check on him he could ask to have Tamar come up to his room and make him dinner so he could get her alone.

So, Tamar went to Amnon's room and made dinner for her brother, who still wouldn’t eat. Instead he made all the servants and guards clear the room and asked Tamar to hand deliver the food. When Tamar reached out to Amnon with the food, he grabed her and explained about all the sex they were going to have. Naturally Tamar freaked out and told her brother that if he wanted her that bad he should ask their dad to let them get married. This didn’t work for Amnon who just raped her instead.

After the rape Amnon decided he didn’t like Tamar anymore and told her to get out. Tamar got even more upset and explained that raping her and then NOT marrying her is WORSE than just raping her. Amnon, having got what he wanted and apparently not liking it that much, didn’t care and had his servant force Tamar out of the room and lock the door behind her.

Tamar’s brother Absalom found her crying and figured out Amnon raped her. Absalom told Tamar not to worry about it too much ‘cause it was just her brother. Tamar moved into Absalom’s house and became a spinster.

Two years later Absalom sorted out a plan to get Amnon to help take care of the sheep for a little while. While Amnon was in the fields, Absalom had his servants kill Amnon for raping his sister. Absalom immediately fled the country because he was afraid his dad would have him killed for taking out Amnon. He stayed away for three years until one of his buddies helped him patch things up with his dad.

Things were good between Absalom and his dad for a while, until Absalom led a rebellion against his father, chased him out of Jerusalem and had sex with all his dad’s concubines (because what biblical character isn’t trying to get it on with his dad’s wives). They kept the war going though, and one day after a particularly bad battle Absalom was riding his mule under an oak tree and got his head caught in the branches where he was left dangling. One of David’s servants found Absalom dangling there and stabbed him in the heart. When David found out he got all sad and cried because his son (and rapist of his wives) was dead.

Ref: 2 Samuel 13-18