Amos – Telling it like it is since 766 BC

Whenever someone tells you that Jehovah is going to fuck you up, PAY ATTENTION!

Amos ended up in the Bible because he loved telling the future. He even accurately predicted how Jehovah was going to kick Israel’s ass for being complacent. Here’s how it went: Amos said, “Woe unto them that are at ease in Zion” (Amos 6:1 KJV) and assured them they would either be taken captive or killed “very soon.”

That may seem kinda harsh but there were a ton of problems with the Israelites back in those days. For example: some of the Hebrews had ivory couches and were able to enjoy fresh lamb and veal. Some of them were making music and dancing, just like when David was king! Some of them had the gall to drink wine out of bowls! Even the harshest of Jehovah’s critics has to admit that’s some really disturbing shit.

Of course Jehovah had to take action to deal with all the couch sitting and bowl drinking. Through His prophet Amos Jehovah told the world – well, errr . . . ; I guess He didn’t tell the world really. He just made some anti-social loser write it down and hide it away to be found much later. Anyway, Jehovah promised to make sure those veal-eaters were taken captive FIRST, you know before everyone else was dragged out of Palestine too. Also, any household with ten men in it would be wiped out. Yep the 10 men thing meant you had to die instead of being relocated to Persia.

It’s a damn shame really, if only Jehovah had told the people he was upset, they might have stopped using bowls to drink wine and eating young animals. He may have even convinced some of those “10 men” households to split up. Because dumb old Jehovah would only talk to half-mad losers, nobody got the message and everyone that wasn’t miserable all the time got screwed.

Moral: God may not tell you that you’re in trouble, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t.

Ref: Amos 6

"Ajax and Cassandra"
by Solomon Joseph Solomon, 1886

This story reminded me of the tale of Cassandra from Greek Mythology. Around 1200 BC there was this super hot princess of Troy. Her name was Cassandra. She was so hot that the god Apollo gave her the gift of prophesy. It didn't end there though. Apollo also tried to get it on with Princess Cassandra, but she wanted a ring first. This didn't work for Apollo so he cursed her so that no one would ever believe any of her predictions, or the predictions of her descendants.

This was a bummer for everyone because Cassandra foresaw the fall of Troy to the Greeks. She knew all about the Trojan Horse, the death of Agamemnon, and her own terrible end. Because of the curse no one would listen to her and Troy fell. Cassandra herself was raped by Ajax in the temple of Athena and she was later forced into marriage by Agamemnon and was later killed when Agamemnon's wife and her boyfriend took out both Agamemnon and Cassandra. The wife's boyfriend also made sure Agamemnon and Cassandra's twin sons were killed.

Don't worry though. The bible isn't the only book to borrow from the story of Cassandra. J.K. Rowlings does it too when she identifies Harry's diviniation teacher as the great-great-granddaughter of Cassandra Trelawney in The Order of the Phoenix.