Sifting the People of Israel – How gathering gets done

I bet it would be nice to be a descendent of Israel. Then you wouldn’t have to pass through the sieve and fall to the earth.

In the last days, Jehovah plans to spend a great deal of effort collecting the people of Israel from among the people of Earth. According to Amos 9:9, Jehovah is going to use a giant sieve and none from the house of Israel will pass through to fall upon the earth. 

  

Once they are safely segregated from the population, Jehovah will kill the unrighteous ones so their evil won’t contaminate the rest of the population. Once that’s done, the rest will be given a great mission. They will build cities, plant vineyards, drink wine, plant fruit trees, and eat fruit.

Here’s the thing though: if you remember, most of the children of Israel live inside the Earth.

A Hebrew Family Living Inside the Earth (not to scale)

If Jehovah’s job is done after the sieving and the wholesale slaughter, those who survive the process must have a huge task remaining. They need to find the entrance to the hollow earth and rejoin their brethren.

The Jews Rejoin their Hebrew Brethren (not to scale)

Moral: there is a good chance you will pass through the sieve and fall to the earth.

Ref: Amos 9:9-15

Jerusalem the Violated Virgin – How Jehovah treats those who disrespect

Like a virgin, crushed for the very first time

After Jehovah stopped liking the descendants of Abraham, things got pretty bad in Jerusalem. You see, Jehovah only helps out people who like Him and is deliberately cruel to those who disrespect him. In this case, Jehovah had the Babylonians invade Israel and haul off most of the people to work in the region we know today as Iraq.

The sacred book of Lamentations serves to enlighten us as to the condition of Jerusalem after Jehovah stopped being nice to it. In Lamentations 1:4 we learn that Zion mourns because nobody goes to parties anymore and the virgins are afflicted. Oh no: afflicted? How? Well, I hope these are metaphorical virgins. I hope it so much; I’m going to write this like both Jerusalem and its people are represented as virgins in Lamentations. If they are not metaphorical, God is even more messed up that I thought.

From Lamentations Chapter 1:

First: No longer full *cough cough* of people – just like a widow

Second: No lovers to give comfort

Third: All friends became enemies

Fourth: Live among non-religious people

Fifth: Be overtaken by persecutors “between the straits”

Sixth: Children (from a virgin?) are taken away as prisoners

Seventh: Disrespected by former fans because they’ve been seen naked

Eighth: Filthy skirts

Ninth: Adversary gets to rub his/her hands all over the “pleasant bits”

Tenth: Hungry

Eleventh: Fire sent into the bones

Twelfth: Trodden upon and squished by God, like in a winepress

Thirteenth: Menstruating

Moral: Don’t be a virgin or your adversaries will get to see you naked and rub your “pleasant bits,” God will squish you like a grape, and you will have to menstruate.

Ref: Lamentations 1:1-17

Israel Prepares to Invade Palestine – The reason our culture depends on prostitution

Q: Why do so many stories involve hookers? A: In biblical times it was a highly respected profession, like an attorney or a member of congress.

Many Westerners have heard of Palestine and the conflict with Israel. What they may not know is that the modern areas of Israel, Palestine, and the West Bank are all part of the region traditionally known as “Palestine.” Back in the olden days (think bible) this region was known as Canaan.

When Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt Jehovah promised to give them Palestine; never mind that Palestine was already a populated region composed of a whole mess of small kingdoms. Jehovah was going to hand it all over to the Hebrews and there was nothing anybody could do about it. After Moses died Jehovah decided it was finally time for the invasion to begin. He floated down to Earth and told Joshua to prepare for the invasion. Jericho was the closest major population center, so Joshua sent some spies to check it out.

When the spies got to the big city the first thing they did was find a prostitute. This particular prostitute was named Rahab and she was really great. After the spies showed up in Jericho, the King was told that some Israelis were there to case the joint. The king wasn’t comfortable with this so he sent some of his men to Rahab’s place to pick up the spies. Rahab was fond of her latest customers so she lied to the soldiers. She said, “Yeah, there were some guys here earlier but I didn’t know they were from out of town. They took off a while ago. I’m pretty sure I saw them go out the main gate just before sundown. I bet if you start now, you’ll be able to catch them before they get too far.”

Once the soldiers were out of sight Rahab went to have a little chat with her Hebrew clients. She said, “Look, I know who you are and I know Jehovah has given your people all of Palestine. Here’s the thing though; I have parents, brothers, and sisters and because I saved you I ask that you not kill my family.” This seemed reasonable to the spies so they gave Rahab their word and she lowered them out through a window in the city wall.

Moral: whenever you visit a new city, your first order of business should be to hook up with a prostitute. It just may save your life

Ref: Joshua 1 & 2

Amos – Telling it like it is since 766 BC

Whenever someone tells you that Jehovah is going to fuck you up, PAY ATTENTION!

Amos ended up in the Bible because he loved telling the future. He even accurately predicted how Jehovah was going to kick Israel’s ass for being complacent. Here’s how it went: Amos said, “Woe unto them that are at ease in Zion” (Amos 6:1 KJV) and assured them they would either be taken captive or killed “very soon.”

That may seem kinda harsh but there were a ton of problems with the Israelites back in those days. For example: some of the Hebrews had ivory couches and were able to enjoy fresh lamb and veal. Some of them were making music and dancing, just like when David was king! Some of them had the gall to drink wine out of bowls! Even the harshest of Jehovah’s critics has to admit that’s some really disturbing shit.

Of course Jehovah had to take action to deal with all the couch sitting and bowl drinking. Through His prophet Amos Jehovah told the world – well, errr . . . ; I guess He didn’t tell the world really. He just made some anti-social loser write it down and hide it away to be found much later. Anyway, Jehovah promised to make sure those veal-eaters were taken captive FIRST, you know before everyone else was dragged out of Palestine too. Also, any household with ten men in it would be wiped out. Yep the 10 men thing meant you had to die instead of being relocated to Persia.

It’s a damn shame really, if only Jehovah had told the people he was upset, they might have stopped using bowls to drink wine and eating young animals. He may have even convinced some of those “10 men” households to split up. Because dumb old Jehovah would only talk to half-mad losers, nobody got the message and everyone that wasn’t miserable all the time got screwed.

Moral: God may not tell you that you’re in trouble, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t.

Ref: Amos 6

"Ajax and Cassandra"
by Solomon Joseph Solomon, 1886

This story reminded me of the tale of Cassandra from Greek Mythology. Around 1200 BC there was this super hot princess of Troy. Her name was Cassandra. She was so hot that the god Apollo gave her the gift of prophesy. It didn't end there though. Apollo also tried to get it on with Princess Cassandra, but she wanted a ring first. This didn't work for Apollo so he cursed her so that no one would ever believe any of her predictions, or the predictions of her descendants.

This was a bummer for everyone because Cassandra foresaw the fall of Troy to the Greeks. She knew all about the Trojan Horse, the death of Agamemnon, and her own terrible end. Because of the curse no one would listen to her and Troy fell. Cassandra herself was raped by Ajax in the temple of Athena and she was later forced into marriage by Agamemnon and was later killed when Agamemnon's wife and her boyfriend took out both Agamemnon and Cassandra. The wife's boyfriend also made sure Agamemnon and Cassandra's twin sons were killed.

Don't worry though. The bible isn't the only book to borrow from the story of Cassandra. J.K. Rowlings does it too when she identifies Harry's diviniation teacher as the great-great-granddaughter of Cassandra Trelawney in The Order of the Phoenix.

Joseph is Still a Jerk – Family first

Why start out nice when you can be mean first and nice later?

Because Jehovah only provided a way for the Egyptians to have food during the seven year drought, but still afflicted the surrounding areas with a massive food shortage, a lot of people went hungry. Joseph’s family back in Canaan was among that group. As part of Joseph’s plan to accumulate all the money in the known world he was selling grain to these non-Egyptian type people.

Once Joseph’s father Jacob/Israel heard about the food sale he sent ten of his remaining eleven sons to go buy some. He didn’t send Benjamin because he was afraid something could happen to the sons and he would lose his other boy from his favorite wife, Rachel. When the 10 brothers arrived in Egypt, for some reason they had a personal audience with Joseph to buy grain instead of dealing with in intermediary. I reckon it’s because it makes the story better.

Of course Joseph recognized his brothers, but did not reveal his identity to them. Instead he accused them of being spies and had them thrown into prison. Of course they brothers said they weren’t spies and told Joseph all about their family, their father, all his wives, and their brother Benjamin.

After three days Joseph released nine of them and sold them the grain on the condition that they bring Benjamin back to Egypt with them to prove they were telling the truth. Then he promised to release the still imprisoned brother (Simeon) and sell them more grain. Joseph wasn’t done acting weird yet though. He had one of his slaves hide the money the brothers used to buy the grain in their grain sacks.

Here’s the problem. Jacob/Israel refused to let Benjamin go to Egypt to get Simeon back because he was still all hung up on the whole “son of Rachel” thing. That’s right; Jacob/Israel chose to let Simeon rot in an Egyptian prison.

I’m sure that would have been the end of it, but the grain ran out. Eventually hunger drove Jacob/Israel to agree to let Benjamin go to Egypt. This time Joseph was super nice to them; especially to his little brother Benjamin. Once again Joseph had a slave hide the money in the grain sacks, but this time Joseph also had the slave hide a super fancy silver cup in Benjamin’s sack. After the brothers put a little distance between themselves and the grain dispensary, Joseph sent some of his people to search the sacks, find the cup and arrest Benjamin.

The brothers were afraid to return to their father without Benjamin and went straight back to meet with Joseph. Judah begged Joseph to make him a slave and let Benjamin go because he was afraid his father would die if Benjamin didn’t make it back home. After the brothers described how the situation tore their father apart emotionally and how hard it was on him to only have one of his sons from his favorite wife, Joseph started to cry. He revealed himself to his brothers at last and invited them to all move to Egypt where they, their father, and their mothers would be well taken care of, because Joseph was super rich and would look after them.

Note: I wonder if having Jehovah’s favor makes it so you must dick with your family before hooking them up with food, or if it just makes it OK.

Ref: Genesis 43-45

Joseph the Favorite – Watch out for mob justice

I’m pretty sure the coat wasn’t really the reason

If you remember, Jacob/Israel’s favorite wife was Rachel. We don’t have the ages of the Egyptian slaves Jacob made babies with, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that Rachel was the youngest and prettiest. After all, she was Jacob’s hottest cousin and was the one he wanted to marry when he was a bachelor. All the other wives kept making babies while Rachel remained barren for years. Of course I maintain that Rachel was simply too young to reproduce. In any case, after years of non-reproductive sex, Rachel finally had a son and named him Joseph.

Jacob had already several sons by that time, but Joseph was immediately his favorite. When Rachel died giving birth to Benjamin it really cemented Jacob’s preference for Joseph and, to a lesser extent, Benjamin. Jacob even made Joseph a special coat using several different types of dye, which was really expensive. This would have been fine except Joseph knew he was the favorite and was a total smart ass, rubbing it in his brothers’ faces all the time.

One day when they all get together to hang out, Joseph told them some crazy stories about “dreams” he had. The first story was that when Joseph and his brothers were binding sheaves in the field and all of a sudden Joseph’s sheaf stood up and all his brother’s sheaves started to worship it. Then Joseph told a second story that the sun (his father), moon (his mother), and eleven stars (his brothers) all bowed down and worshiped him.

These stories didn’t just break the camel’s back; they squished the poor animal flat. It shouldn’t surprise you that later, when Jacob sent Joseph to check on his brothers who were out working (Joseph never worked), the brothers decided to kill him. They were going to go through with it too, until Reuben (the oldest) said that it would be bad karma to kill him themselves and instead they should just leave him in a pit to die. So, Joseph went into a pit and the brothers took his coat, ripped it up and smeared blood on it so they could tell their father that Joseph was killed by a wild animal.

This probably would have been the end of it, but when some slave traders passed by Judah saw a way to make a quick buck. Instead of leaving Joseph to die, his brothers sold him to the slavers for 20 pieces of silver. If you think “20 pieces of silver” shows up a lot in the bible, you’re right.

Moral: if you are an ass all the time, not even being daddy’s favorite will save you from some good ‘ol fashion frontier justice.

Ref: Genesis 37

Isaiah 66 – Someday the Gentiles will learn about Jehovah

Look, you can make anything apply to Jesus if you try hard enough.

Isaiah is one of the Old Testament prophets most beloved by Christians. Mostly because he loved to talk about the future and Jesus and his followers liked to quote him to support the idea that Jesus was the Christ.

In Isaiah 66 the coming of the Lord is described like this: “For, behold, the Lord will come with fire, and with his chariots like a whirlwind, to render his anger with fury, and rebuke with flames of fire (KJV).” Because this isn’t the way Jesus showed up (he had to pass through Mary’s vagina to enter the world) his fans decided this chapter of Isaiah describes Jesus’ second coming when he will return with fire and glory and rain destruction upon the wicked.

Here is the thing though. According to Isaiah: after the Lord shows up with all that fire and glory the Nation of Israel will be born in a day and the gentiles will finally have an opportunity to learn about God and serve as priests.

I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of Christians do not claim to be Hebrew and are therefore gentiles. I am however certain that they claim to know about God and have the ability to serve as priests. Furthermore, Jesus allegedly authorized preaching the gospel to the gentiles shortly following his death (according to St. Peter). I’m also pretty confident that you could consider the Nation of Israel to have been born in a day on 14 May 1948.

I’m a firm believer in the idea that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. If you ask any woman who delivered a baby naturally they can tell you about the “ring of fire.” When a baby’s head is pushed through the cervix it really hurts/burns; like, really bad. Isaiah wasn’t talking about a “second coming.” He was talking about how Mary felt while she was pushing out Jesus. This explains perfectly the bit about coming with fire, works with the timeframe for allowing the gentiles to worship, and the creation of the Nation of Israel. Even the bit about rendering anger with fury works. Jesus clearly had anger management issues as demonstrated by his eagerness to scour the temple, which he did twice.

Moral: natural childbirth really hurts.

Isaiah warns us about Jesus – You better eat your vegetables or Jesus will get you!

There’s nothing better than religion for instilling fear

One of the things that Christian bible scholars really love to do is tie Old Testament passages to Jesus. This is intended to prove that Jesus literally is Jehovah and he told the old Testament prophets to let people know that he would be coming in the flesh as a true descendent of King David.

One of the passages attributed to Jesus is Isaiah 8:14-15. If these Christian scholars are correct then “God Made Flesh” will provide safety, but not to the Israelites. Instead he will be an insurmountable obstacle in the form of a giant rock free from concern for mankind. He will be a snare (trap) for the inhabitants of Jerusalem and many of the Israeli people will either trip over the giant rock, fall, and break or be snared and taken.

This makes Isaiah 8:13 sensible: “Sanctify the Lord of hosts himself; and let him be your fear, and let him be your dread (KJV).”

Hopefully you are reading this the same way I am. Jesus/Jehovah was supposed to come in Isaiah’s future to cause Israel to fall, to harm the people, to destroy hope. If you don’t fear Jesus then you are defying his own commandment given through one of his better known prophets: the great Isaiah.

The whole thing makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yay.

Ref: Isaiah 8:14-15

Yahweh burns Aaron’s sons – In which we learn Yahweh is a dick

Why is Jesus always going on about wine, if Yahweh thinks it’s bad?

Once upon a time the Hebrew people were wandering through the wilderness of Southwest Asia after leaving Egypt. While they were out there Yahweh told Aaron (Moses’ brother) to kill a calf and a ram and offer them to the Lord. Yahweh also told Aaron to command the people of Israel to kill a baby goat, a calf, a lamb, a bullock, and a ram and offer them to the Lord.

So everyone gathered together in a huge mob with the animals. Aaron killed the animals, collected their blood in big bowls, took out their innards and washed them, and collected the fat. Then Aaron took the hides, bones, and meat and took them outside the camp and burned them. Once that was finished, Aaron sprinkled the blood on an altar and burned it. Then he put all the guts on the altar and burned them. Finally he put the fat on the altar and burned it.

Yahweh was so happy about all the burning stuff he appeared to the people of Israel like a great big ball of glorious light. Then, according to the Bible, fire shot out of him and consumed the offerings on the altar.  While it seems really reasonable that a big ball of fire would appear floating in the air and shoot down a finger of flame to burn stuff I find this passage confusing. The bible says Aaron burned all the stuff, then after Aaron was done burning stuff, Yahweh showed up to burn the stuff. Did Aaron just not do a good job or what?

Now we get to the point of this story: two of Aaron’s sons (Nadab and Abihu) decided to pray to Yahweh later. They remembered from the whole ball of fire trick that Yahweh liked burning stuff, so they took their incense burners, put incense in them, lit it and offered the burning incense to the Lord. Of course Yahweh was furious because these dumb sons of Aaron made a burnt offering without being told. To punish them Yahweh shot out fire from himself to completely destroy Nadab and Abihu. Turns out they were right about Yahweh liking to burn stuff. They were just confused about what He likes to burn.

Then Yahweh told Aaron and his other sons they were not allowed to mourn the deaths of Nadab and Abihu and he told them to not drink wine. You see, people that do magic in the name of Yahweh can’t drink wine so they will always be able to tell the difference between clean and unclean (here’s lookin’ at you Jesus, ya damn drunk).

Ref: Leviticus 9-10

Naboth is killed – Always sell your vineyard when the king asks

This is my very first original Limerick. The metering seems off in the fifth line but I’m not able to get it right.

Naboth was a Jezreelite diehard
Whose father had left him a vinyard
The king wanted it
And thought it was fit
To kill poor Naboth without regard

Naboth had this vineyard see. It had been in his family for generations and it was all he got from his father when he died. Ahab the king of Israel was his next door neighbor and wanted the vineyard so he would have a place for an herb garden. Ahab went to have a chat with Naboth about the situation. Ahab was even really reasonable and offered to either give Naboth a better vineyard or pay its value in cash.

This didn’t work for Naboth who said, “Sorry, I can’t do it. Jehovah won’t let me sell my ancestral vineyard.” Poor Ahab was really sad he couldn’t get the land to grow herbs so he went home, lay on his bed and refused to eat. His wife Jezebel was concerned and asked him what was wrong. When Ahab explained the situation Jezebel launched into a tirade. She said, “What the hell man? Seriously? You are the mother-fucking king of Israel. If you want a god-damn vineyard you had damn well better get it! Now don’t you worry about a thing. I will personally make sure you get that land.”

So Jezebel sent letters to all the rich people in town telling them the king wanted them to have a big party and place Naboth in the seat on honor. Then, on the day of the party she bribed to men to publically accuse Naboth of blasphemy against God and the king. Because the Israelites were hardcore they immediately dragged Naboth outside of the city and threw rocks at him until he died. When Jezebel told Ahab that Naboth was dead, Ahab got super excited and ran right over to the vineyard to take possession of it.

Now everything was fine and dandy. That is, until Jehovah told his prophet Elijah about the situation. Elijah didn’t think it was cool to have someone killed under false pretenses so you can plant an herb garden. He told Ahab and Jezebel they were definitely going to have to die. In fact, God was going to make sure that when Ahab died dogs would lick up his blood and Jezebel would be eaten by dogs.

Apparently this sounded really bad so Ahab ripped his clothes and prayed and fasted a whole bunch. Jehovah was so excited about the attention he was getting from Ahab he decided that he wouldn’t cause any trouble for Ahab and Jezebel while they were alive. Instead he would punish their children.

Moral: don’t kill people to get their stuff or Jehovah will punish your children after you die.

Ref: 1 Kings 21

Ahab and His Dogs – It’s important to have canine friends

If it was important enough to write, it should be important enough to learn about

By the end of the First Book of Kings the king of Israel was named Ahab. At that time their most favored enemy was Syria. One day when the Leader of the tribe of Judah (Jehoshaphat) came to visit King Ahab, they got to talking about Ramoth. Ramoth was a region that used to be under Israeli control, but was currently occupied by Syria. Ahab decided it was time to take back Ramoth and Jehoshaphat was happy to help out, he just wanted Ahab to ask Jehovah first.

Ahab gathered together his personal cadre of prophets together, about 400 men, and asked them how things were going to turn out if they invaded Syria. The prophets gave him the green light, guaranteeing him that Jehovah would help Israel win. Jehoshaphat wasn’t sure 400 prophets were enough so he asked if there were any more. Turn out there was this one guy named Micaiah, but Ahab didn’t like him because he didn’t have very nice things to say about Ahab.

So they send for Micaiah who agrees to make a prediction, but he was only going to say what Jehovah told him to. Ahab agreed and Micaiah said, “Go ahead and invade Ramoth. God will make sure you win.” Ahab was a pretty smart guy and he replied, “Bullshit man! How many times have I told you to tell me the truth?” So Micaiah comes clean and tells Ahab that he is definitely going to die. In fact, Micaiah went on for a bit about how God was tricking Ahab into attacking Ramoth so he would die. He said, “Ok, here’s the deal. I saw Jehovah sitting on his throne in Heaven and he asked the host of heaven who was going to help him trick you into attacking Ramoth. Then I saw this one super fancy angel walk up to God and say, ‘Yeah, I got ya. I’ll go be a lying spirit for Ahab’s prophets to make sure they trick him.’ “

One of Ahab’s prophets heard this and walked over to Micaiah and pimp-slapped him saying, “What the Hell man? Where the hell do you get off? You are so full of shit man. You better watch your back. I’m just saying.” Ahab sided with pimp-slapping prophet and had Micaiah thrown into prison.

Just to be safe though, Ahab disguised himself and had Jehoshaphat dress up in his clothes for the battle. During the battle the Syrian forces went straight for the guy in the King’s clothes, but when Jehoshaphat started screaming hysterically and ran away they figured out they had been duped. Not that it did much good though. You see, some random guy shot a random arrow that randomly hit Ahab. Like I mentioned earlier, Ahab was pretty smart so he noticed that he’d been hit by an arrow and said to his chariot driver, “Turn thy hand, and carry me out of the host; for I am wounded.”

It didn’t take Ahab very long to die after getting hit by the arrow. In that time though he managed to make a huge mess of the chariot, bleedin’ all over the place like it was goin’ out of style. Fortunately Ahab had a lot of dogs and they were able to lick the chariot clean.

Now just remember that if God wants you dead, it’s pretty easy for Him to deceive a whole bunch of prophets into thinking He doesn’t want you dead, then make some random arrow hit you.

Ref: 1 Kings 22:1-39

Deborah and Jael – When the Women start the killin’

Now tell me again; why can’t they get equal pay for equal work?

Predictably, the Israelites weren’t doing what God wanted again, so of course he sold them (yes, sold them) to Jabin, the King of Canaan. After twenty years of enslavement to the Canaanites some of the Israeli leaders tracked down the prophet of Jehovah for help. At that time the prophet was a highly capable woman named Deborah. Deborah was perfectly happy to help and sent for Barak, the leader of the Israelite armies and said, “Listen jackass. God says you need to take your little army to Mount Tabor so God can make Sisera, the leader of Jabin’s army, go down to the river so you can eradicate his Army.”

Barak didn’t think a woman should talk to him like that so he replied,” Ok, Little Debbie, I may like your Oatmeal Creme Pies but I still don’t trust you. I’m not going anywhere God orders me unless you go too.”

Little Debbie doesn’t have a problem with tagging along. She just needs to say one more thing: “Ok, I’ll go. You just need to know that no matter what you do, you’re not getting’ any of the cred for this little operation. God’s gonna make sure that something called a WOMAN is gonna take out Sisera. Choke on it sucker!”

Everything went down just as Deborah predicted. Once Barak got his army to Mount Tabor, Sisera showed up with his army and Barak’s troops were able to wipe the floor with Sisera’s boys. When Sisera saw how badly his ass was being beaten he booked it out of there. He ran until he made it to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite. He figured that was a safe bet because Heber was friendly with King Jabin.

Jael came out of the tent when she saw Sisera coming and told him to hide in the tent. Jael gave Sisera a cup of warm milk and tucked him into bed where he fell right asleep on account of his being tired from running so far. Jael then went outside and pulled up a giant tent stake. She walked into the tent, grabbed a hammer and drove the FUCKING GIANT SPIKE into Sisera’s skull. Of course blood starts spurting everywhere, making a huge mess and getting all over Jael. So when Barak shows up this blood-covered woman walks out of the tent and calmly says, “Hey jackass, you know that guy you were chasing? He’s in here. Kindly remove him so I can get this shit cleaned up.”

Ref: Judges 4

David vs. Goliath – With God, all things are possible

Putting well-known stories in their proper context

So Israel and the Philistines had this long-standing agreement. In battle the Philistines would beat the hell out of the Israelites for a long time, then every once in a while God would help out a little and the Israelites would briefly have the upper hand.

One day the Philistines and Israelites lined up on opposite sides of a valley Braveheart style and started making noise at each other. Then this early version of André the Giant came out of the Philistine crowd wearing an M1A2 Abrams (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M1_Abrams) worth of armor and told the Israelis that instead of a regular fight this time, they were going to have a one-on-one arena style conflict to decide everything. Apparently the Israelis were morons because they didn’t just mass rush the Philistines and at the same time decided they could never find anyone cool enough to take on the armored monster. Apparently the Israeli people didn’t know about Hulk Hogan.

As luck would have it there was this boy named David who’s regular job was to sing to the Israeli king, but had been sent home to take care of his father’s sheep on account of the war. After André the Giant had been challenging the Israelis to provide him a fight every day for some time, David’s dad gave him some bread and cheese and told him to take the bread to his brothers in the army and give the cheese to their boss (probably to get them light duty or something).

When David showed up he learned about the whole mess with André the Giant and freaked out because the Israelis were being such pussies and tried to run right out and beat the shit out of André. The Israelis stoped him and took him to the King (David’s boss). David convinced the King he was up to the task because one time a bear stole a lamb from his flock and he grabbed that bear by the chin and punched it in the head until it died.

So David picked up a couple of little rocks, put on a black mask, and went out the meet André the Giant in the field. I wasn’t there so I don’t actually know how things went down, but I imagine it went something like this:

The Man In Black approaches the boulders, then slows to a walk. A rock explodes against a boulder just in front of him, he draws his sword. Fezzik emerges, holding another rock.
Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.
Man In Black: I believe you. Pause. So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as God intended... sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Man In Black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: Raising rock. I could kill you now.
Man In Black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. He sets down his sword.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. Tosses rock away. The Man In Black charges Fezzik twice, to no effect, grunting with the impact.
Man In Black: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die feeling bad. The Man In Black dodges Fezzik and rolls away.
Fezzik: You're quick.
Man In Black: And a good thing, too.
Fezzik: Why are you wearing a mask? Fezzik swipes at him. Were you burned by acid or something like that? Swipe.
Man In Black: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future. Swipe. The man in black jumps on Fezzik's back.
Fezzik: I just figured why you give me so much trouble. Smashes man in black against a rock, he groans.
Man In Black: Why's that, do you think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. Been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing. Smashes into another rock.
Man In Black: Why should that make such a... Fezzik backs the Man in Black into a boulder, knocking his breath out. Difference?
Fezzik: Slowing down. Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried... about ... one.

Then, because this was taking a long time, David Jumped off André the Giant’s back and threw one of the little rocks at his head. 

Modern "sling shot" version of David's sling.

 

Obviously a small rock to the head is always fatal, so André fell to the ground dead. Then just to be sure David picked up André’s sword and used it to separate the giant’s head from his neck, proving once again that if you can punch a bear to death, you can kill a professional wrestler with a rock (and a giant sword).

Note: Dialogue from the Rob Reiner film "The Princess Bride" taken from http://princessbride.8m.com/script.htm

Ref: 1 Samuel 17

 

 

The Story of Dinah – A Severe Double Standard

Sensationalism at its finest

So this guy named Jacob - later changed to Israel (remember, the guy that stole the birthright from Esau) had a daughter named Dinah. One day Dinah went out by herself to visit some friends. While she was walking through the countryside some dumb rich kid named Shechem saw her, noted her hot body, and dragged her off to his place and raped her. Apparently she was better than previous rape victims, so he decided to “love” her and “spake kindly unto [her].” Then our rapist friend goes and talks to his rich daddy and tells him to secure a marriage.

Meanwhile, Jacob/Israel finds out about the abduction and rape, and tells his sons (remember polygamists can have LOTS of sons). They get pretty upset so when the big money daddy drops by to offer tons of cash as a payoff so Dinah can marry the rapist, the sons of David decide to get even. They tell big money daddy they can’t let Dinah marry an uncircumcised man, but if ALL rich money daddy’s people get circumcised, “Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.”

Rapist and big money daddy like this plan so they head back to their city where they force all the men to join the ranks of the circumcised. Now, I wasn’t circumcised as an adult, so I don’t know if this is realistic (I figure it isn’t), but apparently having your foreskin cut off completely incapacitates you. While all big money daddy’s people are unable to function, the sons of David/Israel show up and kill every single man in the city. They free Dinah from her rapist’s house, then take all the valuables, animals (sheep, cows, donkeys), small children, and women back to their city (who know, like you do – kill a woman’s husband then take her as wife number 8. Nothing weird about that, right?).

Jacob/Israel gets pretty upset when he finds out about the massacre and looting because he figures the neighboring cities will want to even the score, so they all pack up and flee the country. This works out ok because God makes the other groups in the area afraid, so they don’t chase and kill his “chosen” people.

Ref: Genesis 34:1-30

The Levite and His Concubine - Sometimes it's just too late to say you're sorry

It's like Bible Study with a smaller time commitment

So this Levite (member of tribe of Levi) had this hot young concubine. But she wasn't fond of the guy (who was probably beating her) so she took off and went back to her dad's place to hide out (according to the bible this makes her a whore). After four months our good Levite friend bought a dozen roses and a box of chocolates and took a trip to the dad's place. He got there, told the girl he was sorry and he just wasn't himself that night he beat her, and would never hit her again.

So concubine forgives the douchbag and they hang out at her dad's place for a few days. Then dad and concubine keep tricking douchbag into staying longer, but finally douchbag gets sick of it and leaves for home in the middle of the afternoon. They can't finish the trip in just a few hours so they get a room in the town if Gibeah which was under the management of the tribe of benjamin. Naturally a mob formed to try to rape douchbag (as tends to happen in the bible), but the owner of the B&B told the mob to take his virgin daughter and the concubine instead. So the mob took the concubine (but not the daughter) and gang raped her until morning, when she was able to crawl back to the door of the B&B before dying.

Douchbag wakes up in the morning, figures out what happened and takes his dead concubine back to his house where he chops her up into pieces and sends them out the leadership of the 12 tribes of Isreal. So they had a war conference and decided to kill everyone from the tribe of Benjamin. They attacked and killed all the men (600 of them escaped into the winderness) and all the cattle. They burned down all the buildings. Then they killed all the women and children.

After the war someone figured out that nobody from Jabesh-Gilead helped wipe out the Tribe of Benjamin, so the Israelites went and destroyed that city too, killing everyone but the virgin women which they could take home with them for later use.

After the tribe of Benajmin was nearly obliderated because the Levite douchbag's concubine was raped to death, the the old israelites got together and decided it was bad kharma to commit genocide against their relatives. To fix things they decided the Benjaminites needed wives. This was going to be tricky because they Benjaminite women had all been put to the sword and they didn't want them to hook up with any Israeli women.

It was eventually decided that the surviving Bejaminites should kidnap a bunch of women from a neighboring country. They did this and moved back to their burned out cities and fixed them up. Yay!




The artist says the woman in the middle is duct taped to a donkey and is not screaming like the
other two because her mouth is also duct taped. This seems highly accurate to me. I mean,
why carry the woman you are kidnapping when you can just strap her to a donkey?


Ref: Judges chapters 19, 20, and 21