Paul vs. Bar-jesus Second Edition – An “inspired” re-write

To get into the proper frame of mind, you should start by reading Paul vs. Bar-jesus – In which the Lord’s power blinds the social conservative

I realized recently that by sticking too closely to the biblical account of this story, I may have lost a great deal of value. This is me trying again.

 

Drew Barrymore

You see, the best account of Acts 13:1-13 I’ve ever seen was the 1984 film “Firestarter” starring Drew Barrymore, Heather Locklear, and the apostle Paul. The film was based on the 1980 novel “Firestarter” by Stephen King.

 

When the apostle Paul was in college he participated in a human-subject experiment where he was subjected to a low-grade hallucinogen called “Lot 6.” While he was there he met his future wife Heather Locklear. Crazy enough, the experiments left Paul and Miss Locklear with supernatural abilities. Heather could read minds and Paul could force people to do and believe what he wanted.

 

Paul and Heather meet in college while on drugs



 

After Paul and Heather got married they had a daughter named Drew Barrymore. This was great but it turned out that little Drew could use her mind to start fires. After she turned eight, Bar-jesus the holy advisor of the local ruler Sergius Paulus, decided he needed to weaponize Drew Barrymore so he could stop the Christians from converting Sergius’ people. He went with some buddies to Drew’s home to kill Heather Locklear and kidnap Drew while Paul was at work.





Paul uses his mind to blind Bar-jesus and his buddies

Paul got home while the agents were searching the house for Drew after killing Heather. Paul got really mad and rescued Drew by using his mind to blind Bar-jesus and his buddies. Paul and Drew then went into hiding. That worked for a while, but Sergius Paulus sent George C. Scott to capture Paul and Drew. Because George was clever he managed to bring them back to Sergius’ place and separate them. 

 

It didn’t take too long for Paul to sort out an escape plan that would allow him to return to teaching about Jesus. He used his mental power to convince Sergius to help him. Unfortunatly, while Sergius was helping Paul and Drew sneak out of the compound they were intercepted by George. During the fight Sergius died and Paul was fatally wounded. Before Paul died he told Drew to burn Sergius’ place and everyone in it, then run away. A very angry Drew was happy to comply with the request and destroyed Sergius’ compound and several hundred anti-Christians.

 

Drew burns the compound

Moral: be careful with “Lot 6” or Jesus may use your experimental results to allow his work to continue in spite of secular opposition.

Ref: Acts 13:1-13

Pharaoh Has Some Crazy Dreams – Play that funky music, white boy

Do you think God still uses dreams to tell us the future?

Two full years after the incident with the chief baker and chief butler, Pharaoh had a couple of crazy dreams that really bothered him. In the first dream seven big fat happy cows climbed up out of the river and started to graze in a meadow. Then seven anorexic cows, on the verge of death, climbed up out of the river and ATE the big fat happy cows! Now I reckon this should be the theme of a horror movie. Of course it would be a total rip off of the 1985 Stephen King Book “Thinner” which was made into a movie in 1996.




The skinny cows are starting to eat the fat cows

 Let’s see if we can make it work. Seven obese cows that were not very nice trampled an old gypsy’s daughter to death. Of course the obese cows were taken to court for “trampling” homicide, but they got off without any punishment. Because the legal systems failed the poor gypsies, the old man gypsy decided to get even with the cows using a “thinner” curse. The cows just kept losing weight no matter how much they ate. Finally they went a little crazy and attacked the happy, nice cows ripping out chunks of bloody flesh with their blunt, herbivore teeth until nothing remained.

Gross: no wonder Pharaoh was upset.

The second dream was probably even creepier. Pharaoh dreamed that seven fat, healthy heads of grain grew on a single stalk. Now if that wasn’t weird enough seven more heads of grain grew on the same stalk. Now it had 14 heads of grain. The new heads weren’t attractive though. They were dry, shriveled and diseased looking. Then the seven anorexic heads of grain ATE the healthy heads of grain. I just keep imagining claymation heads of anorexic grain sliding up and down the stalk, splitting open and eating the healthy grain heads with little white clay teeth. Bleeaugh.

As soon as Pharaoh awoke from these harrowing dreams, he immediately sent out summons for all the magicians and wise men of Egypt. Sadly, none of these were able to interpret his dreams.

Moral: Pharaoh has some crazy dreams

Ref: Genesis 41:1-8