Philemon and Onesimus - Some people just need to be slaves

It's not white on black slavery so it's ok, right?

Two millenia ago, Paul wrote a nice letter to his friend Philemon about Jesus and forgiveness. You see, once upon a time, Philemon had a really poor quality slave named Onesimus. This slave was so bad that Phelemon finally had to give him the boot.

This is EXACTLY the same as that part in the movie The Two Towers where Grima Wormtongue convinced King Theoden that Eomer was a poor servant and needed to be exiled.

Eventually this slave ended up in prison with the apostle Paul and while there, converted to Christianity. Paul loved Jesus and loved helping out followers of Christ, so he wrote this letter:

Dearest Philemon,

I pray for you a lot and we both love Jesus, Yay! Hey, you remember that worthless bastard Onesimus? Well, it turn out he's a Christian now and he's been super helpful to me since he converted. I would totally keep him forever, but I want him to return and be your slave again so you can learn forgiveness and see how great he is now.

Now remember, he's christian now so you should be nicer to him than the other slaves. Think of him more as a slave/brother. Like, whip him less or something out of respect for your shared faith.

Love,

Paul

This is EXACTLY the same as that part in the movie The Two Towers where a huge orc army was killing all of Theoden's people and Gandalf convinced Eomer to show up with a couple thousand light cavalry at the last possible minute and kill all the orcs.

 

Yep, exactly the same . . .

Moral: It's better to be a Christian slave than a regular slave.

Ref: Philemon 1

Paul vs. Bar-jesus Second Edition – An “inspired” re-write

To get into the proper frame of mind, you should start by reading Paul vs. Bar-jesus – In which the Lord’s power blinds the social conservative

I realized recently that by sticking too closely to the biblical account of this story, I may have lost a great deal of value. This is me trying again.

 

Drew Barrymore

You see, the best account of Acts 13:1-13 I’ve ever seen was the 1984 film “Firestarter” starring Drew Barrymore, Heather Locklear, and the apostle Paul. The film was based on the 1980 novel “Firestarter” by Stephen King.

 

When the apostle Paul was in college he participated in a human-subject experiment where he was subjected to a low-grade hallucinogen called “Lot 6.” While he was there he met his future wife Heather Locklear. Crazy enough, the experiments left Paul and Miss Locklear with supernatural abilities. Heather could read minds and Paul could force people to do and believe what he wanted.

 

Paul and Heather meet in college while on drugs



 

After Paul and Heather got married they had a daughter named Drew Barrymore. This was great but it turned out that little Drew could use her mind to start fires. After she turned eight, Bar-jesus the holy advisor of the local ruler Sergius Paulus, decided he needed to weaponize Drew Barrymore so he could stop the Christians from converting Sergius’ people. He went with some buddies to Drew’s home to kill Heather Locklear and kidnap Drew while Paul was at work.





Paul uses his mind to blind Bar-jesus and his buddies

Paul got home while the agents were searching the house for Drew after killing Heather. Paul got really mad and rescued Drew by using his mind to blind Bar-jesus and his buddies. Paul and Drew then went into hiding. That worked for a while, but Sergius Paulus sent George C. Scott to capture Paul and Drew. Because George was clever he managed to bring them back to Sergius’ place and separate them. 

 

It didn’t take too long for Paul to sort out an escape plan that would allow him to return to teaching about Jesus. He used his mental power to convince Sergius to help him. Unfortunatly, while Sergius was helping Paul and Drew sneak out of the compound they were intercepted by George. During the fight Sergius died and Paul was fatally wounded. Before Paul died he told Drew to burn Sergius’ place and everyone in it, then run away. A very angry Drew was happy to comply with the request and destroyed Sergius’ compound and several hundred anti-Christians.

 

Drew burns the compound

Moral: be careful with “Lot 6” or Jesus may use your experimental results to allow his work to continue in spite of secular opposition.

Ref: Acts 13:1-13

Paul vs. Bar-jesus - In which the Lord’s power blinds the social conservative

I wonder how bad it would be for the GOP if Christian leaders were still blinding those who try to impede social progress

One day in Antioch a group of early Christian leaders were chillin’ at the church when the holy spirit of God decided to make an appearance. After thanking everyone for coming, it gave a brief sermon on the concept of a social contract and handed out a few awards for things like “Best Preacher” and “Biggest Liberal.” Then it told Paul and Barnabas they needed to go do some missionary work in Cyprus.

After preaching the good word in Cyprus for a while Paul and Barnabas ended up in the city of Paphos. The local ruler, Sergius Paulus, heard what Paul and Barnabas were doing and decided he wanted to know what all the fuss was about. To this end, he summoned them to his home. Sergius already had a holy advisor though, a man named Bar-jesus. Bar-jesus was a Jewish prophet and the bible also calls him a sorcerer, probably to make sure everyone knows he’s the bad guy: just like Maleficent in Disney’s Sleeping Beauty.

Bar-jesus was a conservative fellow and was terrified that the socialist society advocated by the Christians would not only take away his individual freedoms, but also cause total social and economic collapse. Naturally Bar-jesus sat in on the meeting between Sergius and the Christians and argued forcefully against Christianity in favor of the old traditions.

It didn’t take Paul long to see he wasn’t making any progress with Sergius so he stood up, pointed his finger at Bar-jesus and said, “You think you’re so clever, child of Satan. Why don’t you just go away and stop working to pervert the ways of the Lord? Because God is displeased with you, your sight shall be taken from you!” Bar-jesus immediately went blind and started to wander around in circles gesturing for someone to guide him by the hand. Sergius was shocked to see that Christians could blind people just by talking to them, so he jumped right on board the Christian bandwagon, professing unbounded depths of devotion (and a desire to keep his eyesight).

Moral: When in doubt, have Jesus poke out someone’s eyes.

Ref: Acts 13:1-13

Image of Polyphemus losing his eye.
Taken from Wikipedia Commons.

Every time God blinds someone in the bible I think of Odysseus in the cave of Polyphemus: I found a good summary for the uninitiated on www.thinkquest.com.

The Cyclops

Landing his ships in Sicily, Odysseus and twelve of his men went in search of supplies. They come across a cave that was obviously inhabited by a giant. Odysseus insisted on meeting the inhabitant in the hope of exchanging gifts. Polyphemus, a Cyclops and son of Poseidon, drove his giant herd of sheep into the cave and blocked the huge cave with a huge boulder.

Finding intruders in the cave, he immediately killed and ate two of Odysseus' men. Knowing he would never be able to leave the cave unless they killed the Cyclops, Odysseus devised a plan. He and his men sharpened a huge log of wood into a stake, during Polyphemus' absence the next day.

Two more of his men were killed upon Polyphemus' return. Odysseus gave the Cyclops a little wine. Enjoying the wine, Polyphemus promised him some gift in return for some more wine. Asking for Odysseus' name, the hero reply that it was "Nobody". Polyphemus promised to eat "Nobody" last.

Drunk, the Cyclops went wearily to bed. Odysseus and his men hardened the huge stake point in the fire pit, before driving the stake into Polyphemus' single eye, blinding the Cyclops. They hid under the bellies of the huge sheep, and when the Cyclops was herding his sheep the next day, due to his blindness, he did not notice them.

Furious with what Odysseus had done, he proceded to call all the other Cyclops living in the vicinity to ask for their assistance. When they asked him what happened to his eye, the poor Polyphemus could only repeat " 'Nobody' did this to me!!" The other Cyclops went back home, pitying their friend whom they now thought mad.

Paul and headscarves – working tireless to save us from God

I once read a theory that the Neanderthals were Nephilim because they no longer exist and they were bigger than the Homo Sapiens.

When the artist formerly known as Saul (Paul) was writing to the saints living in Corinth he gave one of his most important instructions. He said to make sure the women keep their heads covered because of the angels. You see, he knew all about the sordid past between God’s angels and the daughters of men.

Back before the flood women used to run around with their heads uncovered, and the angels were able to see how beautiful they were. Many of these angels chose to fall from heaven and live among these women. They had sex with them and made great big babies. In fact, I suspect the artist formerly known as Saul may have been on the writing staff for the 1998 movie City of Angels. In this film we learn Nicholas Cage was working as an Angel for Jehovah when he noticed Meg Ryan. Meg didn’t follow the instruction from the artist formerly known as Saul to keep her head covered and Nick fell from heaven to be able to partake of her hotness. Luckily for us, Meg Ryan died before they could make a baby.

It’s the babies that are the problem. They are known as the Nephilim: fallen ones of both heaven and earth. They are big, strong, and mean. In Noah’s time there got to be so many Nephilim that Jehovah couldn’t think of any way to get rid of them other than flooding the Earth, so God had Noah build an arc and you know the rest (if not, Google Noah and the Arc).

So any time you think it’s old fashioned to keep your women covered, or a violation of their rights; remember what the artist formerly known as Saul taught us. If angels can see the women’s faces, they will fall from heaven to make babies with them and Jehovah will be forced to flood the earth again to kill all the Nephilim.

And I say these things in the name of cheese and rice, amen!

Ref: 1 Corinthians 10:11 and Genesis 6:2-4