Comparison of the “Mightiest” – Wine, the king, and women

I wish I could make up competitions that would make me rich

One day three of King Darius of Persia’s guards got together and hatched themselves a plan. They decided to each write a sentence and present them to the king for judging. They decided that whoever had the wisest sentence would be rewarded by the king with purple clothes, a gold cup, a gold bed, a chariot with gold bridles, a linen headscarf, a necklace, and become an honorary member of Darius’ family. I have no idea why the guards were so sure the king was going to participate in their game, or reward them so handsomely; but for whatever reason, the king decided to play along.

The first guard wrote, “Wine is the strongest;” the second wrote, “The king is strongest;” and the third wrote, “Women are strongest: but above all things Truth beareth away victory.”

The king read the sentences and called together just about every royal person and every politician in the known world to help him judge the sentences. The guard with the sentence about wine was the first to plead his case. 



Wine

O ye men, how exceeding strong is wine! It causeth all men to err that drink it: it maketh the mind of the king and of the fatherless child to be all one; of the bondman and of the freeman, of the poor man and of the rich: it turneth also every thought into jollity and mirth, so that a man remembereth neither sorrow nor debt: and it maketh every heart rich, so that a man remembereth neither king nor governor; and it maketh to speak all things by talents: and when they are in their cups, they forget their love both to friends and brethren, and a little after draw out swords: but when they are from the wine, they remember not what they have done.  O ye men, is not wine the strongest, that enforceth to do thus?

The guard that wrote of the king’s strength spoke second.

 

The King

O ye men, do not men excel in strength that bear rule over sea and land and all things in them? But yet the king is more mighty: for he is lord of all these things, and hath dominion over them; and whatsoever he commandeth them they do. If he bid them make war the one against the other, they do it: if he send them out against the enemies, they go, and break down mountains walls and towers. They slay and are slain, and transgress not the king's commandment: if they get the victory, they bring all to the king, as well the spoil, as all things else.


Likewise for those that are no soldiers, and have not to do with wars, but use husbundry, when they have reaped again that which they had sown, they bring it to the king, and compel one another to pay tribute unto the king. And yet he is but one man: if he command to kill, they kill; if he command to spare, they spare; If he command to smite, they smite; if he command to make desolate, they make desolate; if he command to build, they build; If he command to cut down, they cut down; if he command to plant, they plant.

So all his people and his armies obey him: furthermore he lieth down, he eateth and drinketh, and taketh his rest: and these keep watch round about him, neither may any one depart, and do his own business, neither disobey they him in any thing. O ye men, how should not the king be mightiest, when in such sort he is obeyed?

Finally the guard that was so keen on women and truth got his turn.




Silver Favorites
Lawrence Alma-Tadema
1903

O ye men, it is not the great king, nor the multitude of men, neither is it wine, that excelleth; who is it then that ruleth them, or hath the lordship over them? are they not women? Women have borne the king and all the people that bear rule by sea and land. Even of them came they: and they nourished them up that planted the vineyards, from whence the wine cometh. These also make garments for men; these bring glory unto men; and without women cannot men be. 





Hylas and the Water Nymphs
Henrietta Rae - 1909

Yea, and if men have gathered together gold and silver, or any other goodly thing, do they not love a woman which is comely in favour and beauty? And letting all those things go, do they not gape, and even with open mouth fix their eyes fast on her; and have not all men more desire unto her than unto silver or gold, or any goodly thing whatsoever? A man leaveth his own father that brought him up, and his own country, and cleaveth unto his wife. He sticketh not to spend his life with his wife. and remembereth neither father, nor mother, nor country. By this also ye must know that women have dominion over you: do ye not labour and toil, and give and bring all to the woman? 



The Spring
Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres
1820-56

Yea, a man taketh his sword, and goeth his way to rob and to steal, to sail upon the sea and upon rivers; And looketh upon a lion, and goeth in the darkness; and when he hath stolen, spoiled, and robbed, he bringeth it to his love. Wherefore a man loveth his wife better than father or mother. Yea, many there be that have run out of their wits for women, and become servants for their sakes. Many also have perished, have erred, and sinned, for women.

And now do ye not believe me? Is not the king great in his power? Do not all regions fear to touch him? Yet did I see him and Apame the king's concubine, the daughter of the admirable Bartacus, sitting at the right hand of the king, and taking the crown from the king's head, and setting it upon her own head; she also struck the king with her left hand. And yet for all this the king gaped and gazed upon her with open mouth: if she laughed upon him, he laughed also: but if she took any displeasure at him, the king was fain to flatter, that she might be reconciled to him again. O ye men, how can it be but women should be strong, seeing they do thus?



The Birth of Venus
William Adolphe Bouguereau
1879

O ye men, are not women strong? great is the earth, high is the heaven, swift is the sun in his course, for he compasseth the heavens round about, and fetcheth his course again to his own place in one day. Is he not great that maketh these things? Therefore great is the truth, and stronger than all things. All the earth crieth upon the truth, and the heaven blesseth it: all works shake and tremble at it, and with it is no unrighteous thing. Wine is wicked, the king is wicked, women are wicked, all the children of men are wicked, and such are all their wicked works; and there is no truth in them; in their unrighteousness also they shall perish. As for the truth, it endureth, and is always strong; it liveth and conquereth for evermore. With her there is no accepting of persons or rewards; but she doeth the things that are just, and refraineth from all unjust and wicked things; and all men do well like of her works. Neither in her judgment is any unrighteousness; and she is the strength, kingdom, power, and majesty, of all ages. Blessed be the God of truth.



The Nymphaeum - William Adolphe Bouguereau - 1878

The king was completely overcome by the third guard’s display of wisdom and immediately promised to make that guard his cousin and give him anything he wanted.

Moral: the longer you talk, the more likely you are to get rich.

Ref: 1 Esdras 3-5

Keep Your Promises - If your man allows it

And I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky

I'll be there

I swear

Like the shadow that’s by your side

I'll be there

For better or worse, till death do us part

I'll love you with every beat of my heart

I swear

-All 4 One

Promises are very important to Jehovah. If any man makes an oath with the Lord to something, that man had better perform! “He SHALL do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.” Any man who fails to fulfill such an oath will not be forgiven!

If you are wondering why the Holy Scripture only specifies men here, you’re in luck. I’m going to tell you. There are special rules for women with a man in their lives. Widows and divorcees are fine. They get to live by the same rule as the men because they are essentially free citizens.

If a young woman is unmarried, all her promises have to be reviewed by her father prior to becoming valid. Let’s say Fabio’s daughter Flavia promises, in the name of the Lord, to meet her boyfriend underneath the bleachers to “study.” That promise doesn’t hold any weight unless her father finds out about it and either gives implicit consent by saying nothing, or disallowing the promise. If Fabio disallows Flavia’s promise, it’s ok for her to not show up. However, if Fabio doesn’t intercede, and Jehovah doesn’t find Flavia and her boyfriend “studying” under the bleachers later, Flavia can NEVER be forgiven.

The same sort of rule applies to married women, only in that situation, it’s the husband that has to approve or disapprove. A married woman can only bind her soul through an oath, if she gets permission from her husband first. Of course this is Jehovah’s will. Is such a rule didn’t exist women would have an intolerable degree of freedom.

Moral: Listen up ladies; Jehovah won’t punish you for breaking a promise, unless the man in your life gives that promise his seal of approval.

Ref: Numbers 30 

Isaiah and Women – DON’T TAKE SMALL STEPS!

Here is yet another biblical foundation for misogyny

One day when Jehovah was ranting about the state of the world to his prophet Isaiah he got onto the topic of women. He went on for nine verses, an unusually long time for Jehovah to stay on the same topic while speaking. He said:

The Jewish women stand up straight and walk taking small steps. This is Intolerable!  Because they do this I will make huge scabs grow on top of their heads and I will expose their private parts!

I will take away their ankle bracelets, hair nets, and earrings. I won’t stop there either. I will take all their jewelry and fancy clothes. Fuck it; I’ll just take all their clothes.

I will make them stink, I’ll make their hair fall out, make them wear burlap rags, and burn them with the mark of slavery! That should teach them!

Moral: If you are a woman and are considering good posture or taking small steps, watch out! You REALLY don’t want Jehovah to catch you taking small steps.

Ref: Isaiah 3:16-26

Deborah and Jael – When the Women start the killin’

Now tell me again; why can’t they get equal pay for equal work?

Predictably, the Israelites weren’t doing what God wanted again, so of course he sold them (yes, sold them) to Jabin, the King of Canaan. After twenty years of enslavement to the Canaanites some of the Israeli leaders tracked down the prophet of Jehovah for help. At that time the prophet was a highly capable woman named Deborah. Deborah was perfectly happy to help and sent for Barak, the leader of the Israelite armies and said, “Listen jackass. God says you need to take your little army to Mount Tabor so God can make Sisera, the leader of Jabin’s army, go down to the river so you can eradicate his Army.”

Barak didn’t think a woman should talk to him like that so he replied,” Ok, Little Debbie, I may like your Oatmeal Creme Pies but I still don’t trust you. I’m not going anywhere God orders me unless you go too.”

Little Debbie doesn’t have a problem with tagging along. She just needs to say one more thing: “Ok, I’ll go. You just need to know that no matter what you do, you’re not getting’ any of the cred for this little operation. God’s gonna make sure that something called a WOMAN is gonna take out Sisera. Choke on it sucker!”

Everything went down just as Deborah predicted. Once Barak got his army to Mount Tabor, Sisera showed up with his army and Barak’s troops were able to wipe the floor with Sisera’s boys. When Sisera saw how badly his ass was being beaten he booked it out of there. He ran until he made it to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite. He figured that was a safe bet because Heber was friendly with King Jabin.

Jael came out of the tent when she saw Sisera coming and told him to hide in the tent. Jael gave Sisera a cup of warm milk and tucked him into bed where he fell right asleep on account of his being tired from running so far. Jael then went outside and pulled up a giant tent stake. She walked into the tent, grabbed a hammer and drove the FUCKING GIANT SPIKE into Sisera’s skull. Of course blood starts spurting everywhere, making a huge mess and getting all over Jael. So when Barak shows up this blood-covered woman walks out of the tent and calmly says, “Hey jackass, you know that guy you were chasing? He’s in here. Kindly remove him so I can get this shit cleaned up.”

Ref: Judges 4