The Covenant of Abraham – The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Being best friends with a god is pretty swell, just remember they don’t have the same sense of morality as us poor mortals.

Once upon a time Jehovah had a best friend named Abram. They really were the very bestest of friends. Jehovah liked Abram so much He wrote a song called “You’re My Best Friend.” Several thousand years later Queen stole this song and changed the word “bro” in the third stanza to “girl” to make it sound less gay. Here is a sample of the lyrics:

You're the best friend
that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
You're my best friend

One day Jehovah was walking through Canaan with his buddy Abram and decided to give Abram a gift. He said, “You see all the land from Egypt to the Euphrates River? In the far future this land will bear many names, like Palestine, Saudi Arabia, Oman, Yemen, Turkey, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Qatar, and a few others I can’t think of right now. For now we’ll call it ‘the whole land of Canaan.’ I will make your descendents into a great people who will live in all this land forever. It’s a gift.”

Jehovah continued: “Oh, I’m gonna have to change your name to Abraham because I’m making you into a father of nations and to make sure I always remember to help out your descendants they’re going to have to practice male genital mutilation. Don’t worry about it too much. It’s just a little snip and you can do it right after the boys are born so they aren’t traumatized forever by having some dude play with their junk and a sharp rock.”

This was all great for a while, but a few short millennia later Jehovah got really mad at the “seed” of Abraham. He decided they weren’t worshiping Him enough, so He made Nebuchadrezzar, the king of Babylon, completely destroy the Hebrew nation. Those not killed by the Babylonians were taken away from “the whole land of Canaan” and taken to Babylon, effectively reneging on the whole “Covenant of Abraham” thing; too bad, so sad.

Moral: even the great Jehovah will abandon a promise if sufficiently provoked. Don’t dick around with Jesus.

Ref: Genesis 12-17 & Jeremiah 25:8-11

Israel Prepares to Invade Palestine – The reason our culture depends on prostitution

Q: Why do so many stories involve hookers? A: In biblical times it was a highly respected profession, like an attorney or a member of congress.

Many Westerners have heard of Palestine and the conflict with Israel. What they may not know is that the modern areas of Israel, Palestine, and the West Bank are all part of the region traditionally known as “Palestine.” Back in the olden days (think bible) this region was known as Canaan.

When Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt Jehovah promised to give them Palestine; never mind that Palestine was already a populated region composed of a whole mess of small kingdoms. Jehovah was going to hand it all over to the Hebrews and there was nothing anybody could do about it. After Moses died Jehovah decided it was finally time for the invasion to begin. He floated down to Earth and told Joshua to prepare for the invasion. Jericho was the closest major population center, so Joshua sent some spies to check it out.

When the spies got to the big city the first thing they did was find a prostitute. This particular prostitute was named Rahab and she was really great. After the spies showed up in Jericho, the King was told that some Israelis were there to case the joint. The king wasn’t comfortable with this so he sent some of his men to Rahab’s place to pick up the spies. Rahab was fond of her latest customers so she lied to the soldiers. She said, “Yeah, there were some guys here earlier but I didn’t know they were from out of town. They took off a while ago. I’m pretty sure I saw them go out the main gate just before sundown. I bet if you start now, you’ll be able to catch them before they get too far.”

Once the soldiers were out of sight Rahab went to have a little chat with her Hebrew clients. She said, “Look, I know who you are and I know Jehovah has given your people all of Palestine. Here’s the thing though; I have parents, brothers, and sisters and because I saved you I ask that you not kill my family.” This seemed reasonable to the spies so they gave Rahab their word and she lowered them out through a window in the city wall.

Moral: whenever you visit a new city, your first order of business should be to hook up with a prostitute. It just may save your life

Ref: Joshua 1 & 2

Deborah and Jael – When the Women start the killin’

Now tell me again; why can’t they get equal pay for equal work?

Predictably, the Israelites weren’t doing what God wanted again, so of course he sold them (yes, sold them) to Jabin, the King of Canaan. After twenty years of enslavement to the Canaanites some of the Israeli leaders tracked down the prophet of Jehovah for help. At that time the prophet was a highly capable woman named Deborah. Deborah was perfectly happy to help and sent for Barak, the leader of the Israelite armies and said, “Listen jackass. God says you need to take your little army to Mount Tabor so God can make Sisera, the leader of Jabin’s army, go down to the river so you can eradicate his Army.”

Barak didn’t think a woman should talk to him like that so he replied,” Ok, Little Debbie, I may like your Oatmeal Creme Pies but I still don’t trust you. I’m not going anywhere God orders me unless you go too.”

Little Debbie doesn’t have a problem with tagging along. She just needs to say one more thing: “Ok, I’ll go. You just need to know that no matter what you do, you’re not getting’ any of the cred for this little operation. God’s gonna make sure that something called a WOMAN is gonna take out Sisera. Choke on it sucker!”

Everything went down just as Deborah predicted. Once Barak got his army to Mount Tabor, Sisera showed up with his army and Barak’s troops were able to wipe the floor with Sisera’s boys. When Sisera saw how badly his ass was being beaten he booked it out of there. He ran until he made it to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite. He figured that was a safe bet because Heber was friendly with King Jabin.

Jael came out of the tent when she saw Sisera coming and told him to hide in the tent. Jael gave Sisera a cup of warm milk and tucked him into bed where he fell right asleep on account of his being tired from running so far. Jael then went outside and pulled up a giant tent stake. She walked into the tent, grabbed a hammer and drove the FUCKING GIANT SPIKE into Sisera’s skull. Of course blood starts spurting everywhere, making a huge mess and getting all over Jael. So when Barak shows up this blood-covered woman walks out of the tent and calmly says, “Hey jackass, you know that guy you were chasing? He’s in here. Kindly remove him so I can get this shit cleaned up.”

Ref: Judges 4

Abraham in Egypt – How to sell your wife and come out ahead

Because you didn’t hear this in Sunday School

Abraham’s birth name was Abram so for this story we’ll call him Abram. It turns out that after God confounds the languages at the Tower of Babel he sits on the sidelines for a few hundred years. Then out of the blue he comes to Abram and tells him it’s time to move. So Abram (who was 75 at the time) takes his wife Sarai, his son-in-law Lot (the guy who later got drunk and made babies with his daughters), and the rest of his household and they walk to Caanan. Caanan is an area that includes the modern nation of Israel, part of Lebanon, part of Jordan, part of Egypt, and Gaza.

God tells Abram he can have Caanan for his posterity. Screw the people who were already living there (modern Palestine anyone?).

Sadly, Caanan was in a bad spot at the time: no rain. To get away from the famine Abram and his posse walk down to Egypt. When they get to the edge of Egypt Abram tell his wife that she’s such a hottie he’s afraid the Egyptians will kill him so they can have her for themselves; so they need to lie and say she’s his sister. Well, Abram was right. The Egyptians did think Mrs. Abram was super hot so they ran and told Pharaoh about this new hottie. Pharaoh liked the new hottie so he paid Abram a ton of animals and servants (slaves) so he could marry her.

Apparently God doesn’t approve of polyandry (someone should have told Joseph Smith) because after Pharaoh marries Abram’s wife bad stuff happens. God starts to kill people in Pharaoh’s household using disease. Pharaoh is a smart guy so ALL BY HIMSELF he figures out that if God is killing his family and servants Abram must have lied, and his new wife MUST also be married to Abram.

Pharaoh takes the new wife back to Abram, lectures him for lying to him, and tells him to take all his crap and get out of town. So Abram takes back his wife and heads out of Egypt a much richer man than when he arrived.

Note: Sarai was in her 60s at the time of this story.

Ref: Genesis 12