Two Adulterous Sisters – God explains donkey balls and horse ejaculate

I wonder why more people don’t teach this stuff in church

One day Jehovah had an important story to tell Ezekiel. It was such an important story that it was written down and passed to us after more than 2,600 years.

Once upon a time there were two sisters named Aholah and Aholibah. They used to work as prostitutes in Egypt. It was there that their breasts were fondled and their virgin nipples were bruised. They had lots of sons and daughters while they were whoring in Egypt. Now pay attention; this part is important. When I say Aholah, I really mean Samaria and when I say Aholibah, I really mean Jerusalem; clever, eh?

Here’s the thing: after Aholah left Egypt she didn’t stop whoring. She liked the attractive Assyrian warriors and had lots of sex with the elite Assyrians. She loved having her breasts fondled and let the Assyrians pour their lust out upon her. I didn’t think that was so great so I made sure those she lusted after stripped her naked, took away all her sons and daughters, and killed her with a sword.

Of course Aholibah saw what happened to Aholah, but she was an even bigger whore than her sister. She also was way into young Assyrian men: governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, and mounted horsemen. She exposed her naked body in the bed of love and spread her legs constantly for the Assyrians. She was an even bigger slut than she was in Egypt where her lovers had balls like donkeys and ejaculated like horses (Ezekiel 23:20). She never stopped wanting to have her breasts fondled like when she was young.

I can’t have Aholibah whoring herself around like that so I am going to make all her lovers hate her; the Babylonians and all the Chaldeans, the men of Pekod and Shoa and Koa, and all the Assyrians with them, handsome young men, all of them governors and commanders, chariot officers and men of high rank, all mounted on horses. They are going to cut off her nose and ears. They will take her sons and daughters. They will strip off her clothes. She is going to be so upset that she will rip off her own breasts.

This is how I deal with sluts like Aholah and Aholibah. After I’m done with them, they will no longer continue the leg spreading and breast fondling they started in Egypt. Thus sayeth the LORD.

Moral: don’t have lots of sex with Assyrians.

Ref: Ezekiel 23:1-35

Song of Solomon – The Song of Songs

All in all, this seems a lot more tame to me now than it did when I first read it. I was pretty scandalized back then.

The Song of Solomon (Song of Songs in Hebrew) is one of the shortest books in the Old Testament with a mere 117 verses. There is zero religious content in the book, but somehow it is typically interpreted as a parable of the relationship between God and Israel, Christ and his Church, or Christ and the human soul.

These interpretations are really stretching things. Let me explain: there is tons of sexual imagery in the book. It is unlikely an Old Testament author would use sex to sell religion. My preferred explanation is that Song of Solomon made it into the bible to satisfy the porn fetish of early religious leaders.

In the first chapter the author wants her lover to kiss her on the mouth and remarks that such kisses are better than wine. Then there is this desire to share this wine-like love in a bedchamber. Then there is a parable: the author’s lover is like a bundle of myrrh because he’s going to lie all night between her breasts. In chapter two this same author comments that her lover’s fruit is sweet to her taste. Of course this may not be an allusion to oral sex. Just before this phrase the author says that just like an apple tree is better than normal trees, her lover is better than the other men. Of course to me this sounds more like a clever lead-in to a racy innuendo.

When we switch to a male speaker he goes on about the great looks of his lover: her hair, her teeth, her lips, temples, and neck. Her breasts are so awesome; they are like two young roes that feed among the lilies. Nice. Then again with the wine; the loving is better than wine. Then we learn that the lover’s lips “drop as the honeycomb” and there is another statement regarding the eating of fruit.

It gets really good in chapter seven. I’ll paraphrase: You are tall like a palm tree and your breasts are like clusters of grapes. I will go up to the palm tree and grab its limbs. Your breasts are like clusters of the vine and your nose smells like apples. The roof of your mouth is the best wine (tonguing anyone?). It goes down so nice and makes people talk in their sleep. The desire of my beloved is toward me.

Later the female voice says, “Oh, I wish you were my brother that sucked the breasts of my mother! If we were thus related I would be able to kiss you when we were out in public and we wouldn’t get in trouble.”

Of course if you still doubt me, consider chapter 8 verse 8. “We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?” This is pretty clearly a concern for a pre-pubescent sibling in a sexually charged discussion. I would really like to hear how you think this sister fits in the story if the Song of Songs really is discussing the relationship between the Lord and his followers. Could it be perhaps a different God, or a different group of followers? Yes, that makes sense: a different group of followers that falls to sleep every night praying for God to give them breasts.