Solomon the Judge – Righteousness was never so creepy

Solomon the Wise or Saruman the White?

The wizards of Middle Earth were sent by the Valar (demi-gods) to help the people of Middle Earth stand against Sauron. They were immortal spirits called Maiar. While in Middle Earth, they took the physical form of old men, while retaining superior physical and mental power. This is how when Gandalf’s physical form died after his battle with a Balrog (the physical form of an evil and corrupted Maiar who became a servant of Morgoth thousands of years earlier) he could be restored to “life” by the supreme being, Eru Ilúvatar, so he could complete his mission.

In any case, Saruman was one of these Maiar turned old man helper. He was an expert in mechanical devices and metal working. He was also regarded at the most wise of his order. That’s right. He was Saruman the Wise and because he wore white robes he was called Saruman the White. Of course in the end it turned out that Saruman wasn’t good or wise at all. Instead of helping like he was supposed to, he tried to conquer all of Middle Earth using the tools of Sauron.

Hopefully you remember Solomon as the son of David and Bathsheba. He was their second son. Jehovah killed their first son to teach David a lesson about being a stupid jerkface rapist/murderer. Well, Solomon became King after his father died. Solomon was supposed to be a wise and righteous man, but in the bible it says he was righteous because he followed in his father’s footsteps (1 Kings 3:3). We know King David was a truly terrible person so I can only draw the conclusion that he was supposed to be righteous and good, but was really pretty shady and self-serving. This is why I call him Saruman the White instead of Solomon the Wise.

The biblical Saruman the White was seen as a really good boy, so one day Jehovah visited him in a dream and offered him a present of his own choosing. Because Saruman the White was so “wise” he knew to ask for an “understanding heart.” This request made Jehovah very happy and he gave Saruman the White a heart that was wiser and more understanding than any other heart that would ever exist on Earth.

Conveniently, the morning after the dream two hookers showed up at the royal palace with a dispute about a child. The mean hooker had accidently smothered her newborn while asleep and had switched it for the nice hooker’s living infant. Of course the mean hooker said it was a lie and the nice hooker had killer her own baby and was now trying to lay claim to the mean hooker’s baby.

Because Saruman the White really liked prostitutes, he agreed to judge the matter himself. After the hookers presented their arguments, Saruman used his wise and understanding heart to send someone for a sword. Then Saruman used his wise and understanding heart to tell one of his slaves to use that sword and “divide the living child in two” so each hooker could keep half of it.

The nice hooker didn’t want her baby murdered by a wise and understanding heart so she said, “No, no, no! Please don’t kill my baby. Just let the mean hooker have it instead.” Because the mean hooker wasn’t very smart, she didn’t realize she was ahead and told the King that it was a great idea. She said, “Yay! Cut the baby in half! That way the stupid nice hooker will never get her kid back!”

Of course Saruman the White could tell the kid would be much better off with the nice hooker than the mean one, so he gave her full parental rights and only gave the mean hooker a two hour supervised visit once a month.

When word spread about how the “wise and understanding heart” handled domestic disputes between prostitutes, everyone feared the king because they could tell that he had the “Wisdom of God.”

To misquote the 1961 Disney film 101 Dalmatians:

Look out for the Wisdom of God

Wisdom of God
Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you
No evil thing will
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom, Wisdom of God

The curl of God’s lips
The ice in God’s stare
All innocent children had better beware
God’s like a spider waiting for the kill
Look out for the Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

This vampire bat
This inhumane beast
God 'outta be locked up and never released
This world was such a wholesome place until
Wisdom, Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

At first you think God is the devil
But after time has worn away the shock
You've come to realize
You've seen His kind of eyes
Watching you from underneath a rock!

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

Look out for the Wisdom of God

Ref: 1 Kings 3

David and Bathsheba – When it rains, it pours

"It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." – Phoebe Buffay

My last post explained all about the early relationship between David and Bathsheba. If you haven’t read it, please do so now.

continuing on . . .

All King David’s ass-hattery didn’t go unnoticed by Jehovah who was displeased. Apparently He doesn’t like it when mortals try to edge in on his “nearly random acts of terrorism” bit, so He sent His prophet Nathan to have a little chat with David. Nathan told David this really sappy story about how some rich guy with tons of sheep killed and served for dinner the sheep of some poor guy who didn’t really have anything else in the world. This story made David mad. David immediately declared a sentence of death for the rich guy in the story.

I suppose David was supposed to understand that the story was a parable for his rape of Bathsheba and murder of her husband, but David wasn’t very bright so Nathan had to explain it to him very patiently. Rich man kills and eats beloved, single sheep; signifying how David rapes Bathsheba and has her husband killed. Then Nathan had a message from Jehovah for David. The message went something like this: “You are a jerk and because you secretly had sex with someone else’s wife, I’m going to make sure somebody has public sex with all your wives. Oh, and the kid you made with Uriah’s wife? Yeah. He’s going to die too now.”

So Jehovah struck the child and it became very ill. David was bummed that the kid was dying so he stopped eating and prayed a lot because he thought this would change God’s mind about the kid. It didn’t work though and after seven days the kid died. Once David figured out that acting all sad and whiny didn’t do any good after all, he washed up, got dressed, and sat down to a nice meal. His servants thought this was weird and asked, “What’s going on? You seemed really concerned when the child was dying, but now that he’s dead you’re acting fine.” David had a simple response, “Meh, can’t bring him back, so why bother with it?”

David didn’t like that the whole rape and murder thing didn’t get him a son, so he had more sex with Bathsheba (poor girl) until she had another son. David named this kid Solomon, which sounds an awful lot like Saruman.

Note: I’m bothered that nobody seems to care how badly David destroyed Bathsheba’s life. She was violently raped multiple times, her husband was murdered by the King (using the swords of the Ammonites), she was forced to marry her rapist and the murderer of her husband, and her son was murdered by Jehovah. There are no words.

I also don’t like how God’s solution to the problem is to have someone rape all of David’s wives. This is so unbelievably misogynistic, I can’t believe how any modern woman can read this and think God is OK.

Ref: 2 Samuel 12

Song of Solomon – The Song of Songs

All in all, this seems a lot more tame to me now than it did when I first read it. I was pretty scandalized back then.

The Song of Solomon (Song of Songs in Hebrew) is one of the shortest books in the Old Testament with a mere 117 verses. There is zero religious content in the book, but somehow it is typically interpreted as a parable of the relationship between God and Israel, Christ and his Church, or Christ and the human soul.

These interpretations are really stretching things. Let me explain: there is tons of sexual imagery in the book. It is unlikely an Old Testament author would use sex to sell religion. My preferred explanation is that Song of Solomon made it into the bible to satisfy the porn fetish of early religious leaders.

In the first chapter the author wants her lover to kiss her on the mouth and remarks that such kisses are better than wine. Then there is this desire to share this wine-like love in a bedchamber. Then there is a parable: the author’s lover is like a bundle of myrrh because he’s going to lie all night between her breasts. In chapter two this same author comments that her lover’s fruit is sweet to her taste. Of course this may not be an allusion to oral sex. Just before this phrase the author says that just like an apple tree is better than normal trees, her lover is better than the other men. Of course to me this sounds more like a clever lead-in to a racy innuendo.

When we switch to a male speaker he goes on about the great looks of his lover: her hair, her teeth, her lips, temples, and neck. Her breasts are so awesome; they are like two young roes that feed among the lilies. Nice. Then again with the wine; the loving is better than wine. Then we learn that the lover’s lips “drop as the honeycomb” and there is another statement regarding the eating of fruit.

It gets really good in chapter seven. I’ll paraphrase: You are tall like a palm tree and your breasts are like clusters of grapes. I will go up to the palm tree and grab its limbs. Your breasts are like clusters of the vine and your nose smells like apples. The roof of your mouth is the best wine (tonguing anyone?). It goes down so nice and makes people talk in their sleep. The desire of my beloved is toward me.

Later the female voice says, “Oh, I wish you were my brother that sucked the breasts of my mother! If we were thus related I would be able to kiss you when we were out in public and we wouldn’t get in trouble.”

Of course if you still doubt me, consider chapter 8 verse 8. “We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?” This is pretty clearly a concern for a pre-pubescent sibling in a sexually charged discussion. I would really like to hear how you think this sister fits in the story if the Song of Songs really is discussing the relationship between the Lord and his followers. Could it be perhaps a different God, or a different group of followers? Yes, that makes sense: a different group of followers that falls to sleep every night praying for God to give them breasts.