Two Adulterous Sisters – God explains donkey balls and horse ejaculate

I wonder why more people don’t teach this stuff in church

One day Jehovah had an important story to tell Ezekiel. It was such an important story that it was written down and passed to us after more than 2,600 years.

Once upon a time there were two sisters named Aholah and Aholibah. They used to work as prostitutes in Egypt. It was there that their breasts were fondled and their virgin nipples were bruised. They had lots of sons and daughters while they were whoring in Egypt. Now pay attention; this part is important. When I say Aholah, I really mean Samaria and when I say Aholibah, I really mean Jerusalem; clever, eh?

Here’s the thing: after Aholah left Egypt she didn’t stop whoring. She liked the attractive Assyrian warriors and had lots of sex with the elite Assyrians. She loved having her breasts fondled and let the Assyrians pour their lust out upon her. I didn’t think that was so great so I made sure those she lusted after stripped her naked, took away all her sons and daughters, and killed her with a sword.

Of course Aholibah saw what happened to Aholah, but she was an even bigger whore than her sister. She also was way into young Assyrian men: governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, and mounted horsemen. She exposed her naked body in the bed of love and spread her legs constantly for the Assyrians. She was an even bigger slut than she was in Egypt where her lovers had balls like donkeys and ejaculated like horses (Ezekiel 23:20). She never stopped wanting to have her breasts fondled like when she was young.

I can’t have Aholibah whoring herself around like that so I am going to make all her lovers hate her; the Babylonians and all the Chaldeans, the men of Pekod and Shoa and Koa, and all the Assyrians with them, handsome young men, all of them governors and commanders, chariot officers and men of high rank, all mounted on horses. They are going to cut off her nose and ears. They will take her sons and daughters. They will strip off her clothes. She is going to be so upset that she will rip off her own breasts.

This is how I deal with sluts like Aholah and Aholibah. After I’m done with them, they will no longer continue the leg spreading and breast fondling they started in Egypt. Thus sayeth the LORD.

Moral: don’t have lots of sex with Assyrians.

Ref: Ezekiel 23:1-35