Esther takes center stage – “She’s pretty enough, and virgin enough”

The Epic of Esther in Four Parts: Part II
Sometimes it must be nice to have absolute power

After Ahasuerus tossed out the queen he remembered how much he liked booty. So to make sure he got the best booty in the kingdom he appointed recruiting centers in every province of the kingdom. He told his recruiters, “Ok, here’s the thing; I need a new wife. Now pay attention. This is the most important part. She MUST be super hot, she MUST be young, she MUST be a virgin, and YOU must remember that above all else, I am an ass man.”

Mordecai was a Jewish guy who had raised his niece Esther. Esther was damn fine and had an ample behind so Mordecai saw an opportunity. He told Esther not to let anyone know she was a Jew and bribed the recruiter to make sure she made it through the first round of elimination. This meant Esther made it to the palace where she met Hegai who was in charge of the palace women. Hegai liked Esther, who did NOT give him a blow job to get him to help. I don’t care who told you that, it’s not true!

In any case, Hegai gave Esther seven virgin women to be her servants and put her in the best part of the house of women: seriously, no blow job involved. Esther was just really likable. Get your mind out of the gutter.

After 12 months of purifying rituals the virgins were allowed to meet King Ahasuerus. First the virgins moved to the concubine housing on the king’s estate. Then they were paraded in front of the King. Turns out that Mordecai knew what he was doing because the King decided that Esther not only had the smoothest skin, firmest breasts, and prettiest hair; she also had the sweetest ass he had ever seen. She was the obvious choice to replace the old queen.

Now Mordecai was still hanging around. I mean, he wasn’t about to go anywhere now that his niece was a free meal ticket, uh, I mean queen. Because Mordecai was unemployed he spent a lot of time just hanging around near the palace. One day he overheard two of the king’s chamberlains talking. They were upset one of their daughters wasn’t chosen as the new queen and had decided to kill the king. Mordecai told his niece who told her husband. The king then launched a formal inquiry into the matter, decided the chamberlains were up to no good, and had them hung from a tree.

Moral: if you decide to marry a chick based only on her hip-to-waist ratio, you better hope you get lucky and end up with one who has a lazy uncle.

Ref: Esther 2