King Ahasuerus puts women in their proper place – “get back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

The Epic of Esther in Four Parts: Part I

What? You’re wife thinks she should be allowed to wear shoes?

Ahasuerus was the king of Persia and Media. His kingdom stretched from India to Ethiopia. This made him very wealthy and kind of a bully. Prior to his rule there had been three major deportations of Jews to Babylon, so there were a lot of Jews around. This little piece of info will only become important in part two of this epic tale.

After Ahasuerus was king for three years he decided to have a big party for the princes of the different regions under his control. He was so damn rich the pre-boarding part of his party where he showed off his private collection of super awesome stuff lasted 180 days. Then the real party got started with all the food, wine, and exotic dancers such an event deserved. There was so much party vibe in the air that even the queen had her own ladies only party going.

On the seventh day of the party Ahasuerus was pretty damn drunk and he starting thinking something like this, “Damn man, these strippers ain’t got nothin’ on my wife. I mean, dat booty SO FINE! I got to get her down here so she can shake her booty for all my best bros here.” So Ahasuerus sent his chamberlains to fetch the queen. Now this is where it gets interesting. The queen REFUSED to leave her party so the King should show her off to his friends. She actually didn’t do as her husband commanded.

The tone of Ahasuerus’ party immediately changed. The king and his wise men got together to discuss the ramifications of the recent development. The queen didn’t do what she was told. They decided that not only did the queen disrespect her husband but also all the princes who didn’t get to appreciate her booty. Even worse, they figured that word would get out and other wives might just start doing whatever they wanted.

To handle the situation the King kicked the queen to the curb and issued a royal decree that all wives were required to do everything their husbands told them to, and I mean everything. Big things, small things, you name it, the woman does it. He sent this decree throughout his entire kingdom to make sure every man could rule his house with an iron fist. It’s a good thing too because, as you know, god created women to exists as an extension of a man’s will. Thank the great booty in the sky that Ahasuerus managed to codify this into law.

Ref: Esther 1