Always make sure your favorite wife isn’t a criminal before describing the terms of punishment
After Jacob decided to leave Laban to head home with his wives, livestock, slaves, and other riches his favorite wife Rachel snuck into her father’s tent and stole his collection of images. These images were the little pagan gods Laban worshiped and Rachel was nervous about leaving home without them.
As soon as Laban figured out that Jacob had taken off with his daughters and grandchildren he gathered up his “brethren” (whatever that means) and chased down Jacob. The night before he caught Jacob Yahweh showed up and told Laban to “Take heed that speak not to Jacob either good or bad.” Laban didn’t have his pagan gods with him (because that bitch Rachel stole them) so he decided to keep Yahweh’s instruction in mind when he caught up with Jacob.
“You jerk,” Laban blurted out as soon as he got close to Jacob. “How dare you take away my daughters like a bandit that comes in the night? You were very foolish to take away my opportunity to throw a going away party and to kiss my grandchildren farewell. Now, I would be kicking your ass right now if Yahweh hadn’t told me to behave myself. As it is, I understand you want to go home after all these years working for me. I just need to know: Why the hell did you steal my gods?”
Jacob responded, “I snuck away because I was afraid you would take your daughters from me by force. As for the gods, I didn’t take them, but I will help you look for them and we will kill whoever has them.” They searched through the camp, but Rachel was very clever and hid the gods under her camel’s saddle and sat upon it. Then when her dad came into the tent she said, “I’m sorry I don’t stand up to greet you, but I’m on the rag right now, so what can you do, right?”
Due to that lying bitch Rachel’s cleverness Laban didn’t find his gods and Jacob got upset and yelled at Laban for harassing them after he’d worked for him the past 20 years to earn the daughters and the cattle. Laban felt a little badly about the situation then so he said, “You know, all these people; they come from me. They are either my daughters or grandchildren. The animals also come from me. How then could I ever do anything to harm any of them? Let us make a promise now to never try to kill each other.
So they held this big ceremonial promise thing involving a big pile of rocks and Laban went home. Rachel kept those gods though, the crafty bitch.
Ref: Genesis 31:19-55
Ref: Genesis 31:19-55
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