The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 2 – Jacob and Esau

Sibling rivalry on a biblical scale

In proper keeping with family tradition, just like Abraham’s cousin/wife, Isaac’s cousin/wife Rebekah was barren (note: if fertility is a problem in your family, stop marrying your cousins). But it was ok because Isaac was a good little boy who prayed to Yahweh. Yahweh then helped Rebekah get pregnant. In fact, Yahweh is so good at the whole pregnancy thing that Rebekah ended up carrying twins. The first one came out as a hairy carpet and looked very much like Chewbacca so for this story we’ll just call him Chewy. The second one was Jacob who came out nice and smooth.

Chewy was a hard worker and spent most of his time hunting. Jacob spent all his time in the tents, having his nails done, his hair styled, and trying on clothes. Their father, Isaac, liked Chewy best because he was a man’s man, provided delicious animals to eat, and was the starting left tackle for four years at Notre Dame. Rebekah liked Jacob best because he looked really sharp and was always game for a late brunch, an afternoon of shopping, or an evening of cupcakes and cocktails.

One evening Jacob was sitting outside with some lentil soup and bread he’d nicked from the kitchen when Chewy came home from a long day of work outside. Chewy hadn’t eaten all day and was super hungry. He said, “Hey girly man, give me that food or I’ll pummel you.” Jacob wasn’t about to be pushed around by a thug like Chewbacca so he said, “You wouldn’t dare. Mom would never feed you again if you laid a finger on me. In fact, if you want this food you’re going to have to promise me that I get to be head of the family after Dad dies.” Chewy knew he’d been outmaneuvered so he said, “Fine. It won’t do me much good if I starve to death. Just give me the food and you can be in charge after dad dies.”

So Chewy ate his newly acquired food and went back to work, having been cleverly outmaneuvered by his sissy little brother.

Ref: Genesis 25: 20-34