The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 4 – Jacob meets his cousin Rachel and starts to work for his uncle

Some cousins are more expensive than others

As soon as Jacob arrived in Haran he met Rachel. He was so impressed by her very young body that he got water from the well for her sheep, kissed her and told her they were very closely related. Rachel went and told her dad Laban that his sister’s son had come to visit. After Jacob had been living with Laban for a month Laban said, “You know, it’s just not proper for you to work for me for free. Tell me what I should give you for pay.” This was an easy answer for Jacob who had been hot for cousin since he first saw Rachel. He said, “I will work for you for seven years in exchange for your daughter Rachel.” Laban liked this deal because he figured it was better than just selling Rachel to someone not so closely related.

After seven short years the happy day of the wedding arrived. Laban threw a huge party and married Rachel’s older sister Leah to Jacob. At the end of the evening Jacob took Leah back to his tent for some conjugal bliss. The next morning when Jacob woke up he noticed that this woman in his bed was not Rachel, NOT RACHEL. The dumb bastard didn’t notice he was fucking the wrong sister!

Naturally Jacob was super upset so he stormed over to his cousin(through his dad)/uncle(through his mom)/father-in-law(through his wife Leah)’s tent and demanded to know why he had been so cruelly deceived. Laban had been expecting this and he coolly replied, “Around these here parts it’s just not natural to sell the younger daughter before her older sister has been sold. Don’t worry, as long as you’re a good little boy and screw Leah’s brains out over this next week you can marry Rachel and pay for her with your next seven years of service.”

So in short order Jacob was married to both of his cousins. The thing was, he just didn’t like Leah that much. Yeah, she had nice eyes but she didn’t have very good skin and was just way too thin. Yahweh noticed and decided that Leah should have children and that Rachel, just like all the cousin/wives before her should be barren (I personally suspect all these women were pre-pubescent rather than barren and that’s why they could have kids further down the road).

So while Jacob was still paying for Rachel, Leah had four sons. First there was Reuben and Leah said, “Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.” Then there was Simeon and Leah said, “Because the Lord hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also.” Third was Levi and Leah said, “Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons.” Finally she had Judah. By then she had figured out that it didn’t matter how many sons she had, Jacob was never going to see her as anything other than an easy lay when Rachel wasn’t in the mood so she just said, “Now will I praise the Lord.”

Ref: Genesis 29