Now King David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

Bible stories by Matt often illustrate the magical properties of a virgin woman

When King David got old he had a hard time keeping warm, because we all know how cold it is in the Middle East. His slaves kept piling blankets on him, but he just wouldn’t stop bitching about how cold he was. Of course the obvious solution for any of King David’s problems was to find a young virgin for him. Now pay attention. If you are going to use a woman instead of an electric blanket, she absolutely has to be super hot, and totally have never let a penis inside her vagina. This made everyone in King David’s huge collection of wives ineligible because they were either ugly, or had sex with David or his son Absilon, or both (ref: 2 Samuel 16:21-22).

Once this course of action was decided upon, those faithful to the King went on a huge hot-chick hunt to find a virgin who was attractive enough for the King. Finally they found this girl named Abishag. She was definitely hot enough, and virgin enough to climb under the covers with the king and keep him warm. At this point King David really wanted to be warm, and he knew the magicial warmness exuded by a hot virgin so he managed to refrain from sticking his penis in Abishag (or maybe it was just her name that turned him off).

I always felt bad for Ahishag because I reckon that for an attractive girl in the countryside of Israel in King David’s time to still be a virgin she must have been pre-pubescent because I’m pretty sure families sold off their daughters at menarche. Also, she had to spend all her time under a blanket with wrinkly old King David and breathe in unwashed old person smell all day, ick!

Ref: 1 Kings 1:1-4