The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 5 – Jacob works for his uncle/cousin/father-in-law a bunch more

Yahweh takes a hand at genetic engineering

Now Rachel was pretty mad that Leah kept having kids and she didn’t. Of course she didn’t realize that the arrival of pubic hair and breasts are usually seen as a prerequisite. To deal with the situation Rachel gave one of her slaves to Jacob to make babies. This slave had two sons, Dan and Naphtali, which Rachel claimed as her own. Not to be outdone Leah gave her slave to Jacob and she had two sons, Gad and Asher. Then one day Rachel noticed Leah’s son Reuben had found a bunch of mandrakes. Rachel told Leah to give her the mandrakes. Leah didn’t want to and said, “What the hell? It’s bad enough that you stole my husband, but now you want my son’s mandrakes? No way bitch!” Rachel was a clever girl and usually knew how to get her way. She said, “Look, if you give me the mandrakes I’ll make sure Jacob has sex with you tonight.” Leah was really hard up so she agreed and Jacob started having sex with her again. She had two more sons, Issachar and Zebulun, and a daughter, Dinah.

FINALLY enough time passed that Rachel hit puberty. She was then able to get pregnant and had a son which she named Joseph of the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

After Joseph was born Jacob went and asked Laban, his cousin/uncle/father-in-law, permission to take his wives and children and go back home. Laban didn’t like that idea very much. He said that Yahweh was clearly helping him out because Jacob was there and invited Jacob to stay and work longer. He just had to name his price. Jacob agreed to stay in exchange for all the speckled and spotted cows and goats and the brown sheep. This sounded ok to Laban, but he didn’t count on Jacob and Yahweh being such sneaky bastards. You see, every time the strong non-speckled/brown animals would get together to make babies Jacob set some striped sticks in the ground in front of them. All the animals that conceived while looking at the sticks had brown or speckled babies which then belonged to Jacob. He let the weak animals conceived naturally so Laban only got the inferior offspring.

After a while Laban figured out something was fishy about the arrangement with Jacob and he stopped being such a fan of having Jacob work for him. Yahweh noticed and told Jacob it was time to take all his stuff and move back home. Jacob had a family meeting and asked his wives what they thought. Leah said, “Screw that old bastard. He sold me to some jerk that doesn’t even like me.” And Rachel said, “Yeah. He sold me too; way before I was old enough to make babies. That was really bad for my self-esteem. Screw that bastard. We’re both going with you and our kids.”

Ref: Genesis 30:1 - 31:18