Philemon and Onesimus - Some people just need to be slaves

It's not white on black slavery so it's ok, right?

Two millenia ago, Paul wrote a nice letter to his friend Philemon about Jesus and forgiveness. You see, once upon a time, Philemon had a really poor quality slave named Onesimus. This slave was so bad that Phelemon finally had to give him the boot.

This is EXACTLY the same as that part in the movie The Two Towers where Grima Wormtongue convinced King Theoden that Eomer was a poor servant and needed to be exiled.

Eventually this slave ended up in prison with the apostle Paul and while there, converted to Christianity. Paul loved Jesus and loved helping out followers of Christ, so he wrote this letter:

Dearest Philemon,

I pray for you a lot and we both love Jesus, Yay! Hey, you remember that worthless bastard Onesimus? Well, it turn out he's a Christian now and he's been super helpful to me since he converted. I would totally keep him forever, but I want him to return and be your slave again so you can learn forgiveness and see how great he is now.

Now remember, he's christian now so you should be nicer to him than the other slaves. Think of him more as a slave/brother. Like, whip him less or something out of respect for your shared faith.

Love,

Paul

This is EXACTLY the same as that part in the movie The Two Towers where a huge orc army was killing all of Theoden's people and Gandalf convinced Eomer to show up with a couple thousand light cavalry at the last possible minute and kill all the orcs.

 

Yep, exactly the same . . .

Moral: It's better to be a Christian slave than a regular slave.

Ref: Philemon 1

Rhoda – The first dumb blonde

This angel sounds pretty violent

Once upon a time, Herod the King started killing Christ's famous followers and posting pictures of their bodies on Twitter.

Herod was worried about his popularity and thought if he could get more followers than Caesar things would go well.

 

Herod had already iced James, and Peter was in prison waiting his turn. Fortunately for Peter (not so much for James) an angel showed up prior to the execution and whacked Peter on the side, knocking him to the ground. This act of violence miraculously freed Peter from his bonds. Peter got dressed and the angel led him straight out of prison and left him in the middle of the street.

 

Once Peter got his bearings, he headed to a nearby secret Christian meeting place where a group of followers were fervently praying for his safety. Peter knocked on the door but as luck would have it, Rhoda, the only blonde teenager in the entire Middle East opened the door and recognized him. She was so excited she ran to tell everyone the good news immediately . . . and LEFT PETER LOCKED OUTSIDE!

Of course nobody believed Rhoda, but when she wouldn't change her story a few of the listeners said, "Well, maybe you think you saw Peter. It must have been his ghost though." At this point it STILL hadn't occured to Rhoda to just let Peter into the house so everyone could see him for themselves.

Fortunately, Peter has the presence of mind to keep knocking until someone else finally came to the door and let him in.

Moral: Not all dumbs are blonde.

Ref: Acts 12

Note: Blondes aren't from the Middle East. Blonde hair in a Northern European thing and Northern Europeans are actually pretty damn smart!

Acts 12:13-16 (KJV) - And as Peter knocked at the door of the gate, a damsel came to hearken, named Rhoda. And when she knew Peter’s voice, she opened not the gate for gladness, but ran in, and told how Peter stood before the gate. And they said unto her, Thou art mad. But she constantly affirmed that it was even so. Then said they, It is his angel. But Peter continued knocking: and when they had opened the door, and saw him, they were astonished.

Peleg - From Pangaea to today

Only God gets to move around that much water

Back when God was making the earth, he commanded all the water on the planet to gather together into a single body and caused the land to appear.

It seems logical that if all the water was in a single body, all the land would also have to be together, you know, to avoid dividing all that water into separate oceans, rivers, lakes, and seas.

 

Genesis 1:9-10 (KJV) And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

However, that's not the Earth we are used to seeing. Our Earth looks more like this:

Well, that's weird; something must have happened. The bible gives us a hint while running through some genealogy. About 100 years after the great flood, some guy named Eber had two sons, Peleg and Joktan.

Genesis 10:25 (KJV) And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother’s name was Joktan.

It turns out Eber wasn't very creative with names. Apparently Peleg means "division" and Joktan means "lesser." Way to go Eber! Now, some so-called "scholars" think Peleg got his name because the humans stopped all living in one place and were dispersed across the earth. I think that's just crazy. Such an event seems too gradual to be first-born son name worthy. No! I demand a CATACLYSMIC explanation! I say the earth was physically divided.

No, not like that.

Imagine that God created a perfect landmass. It was all fertile garden land and stuff, perfect for growing food and grazing delicious animals. You know, flat like a cue ball.

 

Then one day, God decided to spice things up and introduced a major cataclysm. One that broke all the land into pieces and slid them around the globe, creating mountains, valleys, deep ocean trenches. Yeah; that seems more like God's style.

Moral: God always goes big.

Feet Dusting - It's how modern killing is done!

I heard that you had better be REALLY sure Jesus is OK with you dusting your feet. Otherwise a lot of innocent people could die.

One day Jesus decided he just wasn't able to spread his message effectively without help. He recruited 70 messengers and gave them some very specific instructions on how to spread the influence of his teachings.

Step One:

Go to a city and walk to the center of town.

Step Two:

Wait to see if people feed you and give you a place to sleep.

Step Three A:

If you were given food and a place to sleep, heal the sick and let everyone know the Kingdom of God is about to arrive.

Step Three B:

If you were NOT given food and a place to sleep; let everyone know the Kingdom of God is about to arrive, then brush the dust off your feet to let God know which city he should destroy. Think of this as you would a special forces guy pointing a laser at the city. Then think of God as a laser-guided missile.

Step Four A:

If you were given food and a place to sleep, move on to the next city.

Step Four B:

If you were NOT given food and a place to sleep, enjoy the show as God destroys the city.
 

 

To help programmers better visualize this sequence of events, I've taken the liberty of preparing some c++ code.
 

//This simple program helps determine if a city should receive

//the blessings of God, or should be destroyed.

#include <iostream>

#include <stdlib.h>

using namespace std;

int main()

{
int salvation;
cout << "Enter the city and wait for two hours." << endl;
sleep(7200000);

cout << "Did people in the city feed you and offer you a place to sleep?" << endl;

cout << "Enter 1 for yes and 0 for no: ";
cin >> salvation;
cout << endl;

if(salvation == 1)

{
            cout << "Heal the sick and say to everyone," << endl;
            cout << "\"The kingdom of God is come nigh unto you.\"" << endl;
}
else
{
            cout << "Walk into the middle of the main street and say:" << endl;
            cout << "\"Even the very dust of your city, which cleaveth on us," << endl;
            cout << "we do wipe off against you: notwithstanding be ye sure" << endl;
            cout << "of this, that the kingdom of God is come nigh unto you.\"" << endl;
            cout << endl;
            sleep(30000);
            cout << "Perform \"Feet Dusting\" ritual." << endl;
}

return 0;

}

Moral: God keeps an eye on things and kills everyone that doesn't do the "right" thing without being told.

Ref: Luke 10:8-12

And into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you, eat such things as are set before you: and heal the sick that are herein, and say unto them, The kingdom of God is come nigh unto you. But into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you not, go your ways out into the streets of the same, and say, even the very dust of your city, which cleaveth on us, we do wipe off against you: notwithstanding be ye sure of this, that the kingdom of God is come nigh unto you. But I say unto you, that it shall be more tolerable in that day for Sodom, than for that city.

The Last Battle - The Zechariah version

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that it's ok when God lets people die, because they get to go to heaven and that's not supposed to be bad.

In one of Zechariah's great visions, he saw a future battle in the Middle East.



Sorry. It Wasn't This Middle Eastern Conflict (Syria 2014)

God is going to make Jerusalem a burden to the entire world. It's going to get so bad that every nation on Earth will gang up on Israel and try to destroy it.



Can you tell that I drew ALL the world's nations here?

All the fighting isn't going to go too poorly for God's chosen people because God plans to help. He's even going to show up in person to "destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem."



God shows up to help. Note the kickin' cape

Here's the catch: when the Jews see that God is Jesus Christ, AND that they crucified him back in Roman times, they're going to feel really bad. They are going to feel SO bad the sadness will end up splitting all the families apart and all the wives are going to have to move away from their husbands.

The "Sadness" Separating Families

So much for the traditional family, eh?

Moral: Sometimes when God makes everyone want to kill you, he shows up to help you when they attack.

Ref: Zechariah 12

Christ on David's Throne - Some things are made to last

Do you suppose the chair is magic, or is it more of a symbolic thing?

Back a really long time ago, God decided that David would be the ruler of the Kingdom of Israel. Because the Israelites were God's chosen people, that Kingdom was destined to last forever. After God gave David the throne to the kingdom, the prophet Samuel came to David and said, "When your days are complete and you lie down with your fathers, I will raise up your descendant after you, who shall come forth from you, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for My name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever."

God gives King David "The Throne of Ages"

After the Babylonians embarrassed the Kingdom of Israel with its superior military might and enslaved most of the population, God's chosen people started thinking a lot about the promise of a "forever" kingdom and a messiah, or deliverer. Isaiah promised that sometime in the future, a descendant of David would once again sit upon David's throne. This messiah would usher in a new era of peace and rule forever, and ever, and ever. The end.

Isaiah Prophesies the Advent of Christ

800 years after Isaiah's promise, Jesus was born. The Babylonians weren't in charge of the Israelites anymore. Now it was the Romans who were calling the shots. Everyone wanted a messiah and Jesus was clearly the demigod for the job. You know, being the literal Son of God and all that jazz. Jesus sat on the throne and fixed everything.

Christ Rocks the Throne of David

Well almost everything I guess. I mean, there were a few Jewish rebellions against the Romans, and the Israelites were almost completely wiped off the face of the planet. I mean, only a few survived besides the ones living in other countries. But it's ok, really, because Jesus was still on the throne. After all, God did say Jesus would sit on it, "forever, and ever, and ever." I also heard that Jesus can't ever really die, so the throne sitting really can go on, and on, and on, and on . . . .

Forever and Ever

Moral: having a demigod sit on an antique chair doesn't necessarily prevent genocide.

Ref: 2 Samuel 7:12-16, Isaiah 9:6-7, & Isaiah 16:1-5

Judas Iscariot – Helping local law enforcement since 33 AD

If Jesus was foreordained to die, why is Judas so hated for helping it happen?

After three years of wandering around performing miracles and preaching radical doctrines that upset the ruling class of priests, Jesus was pretty famous.



Crowd in St. Peter's Square for Pope Benedicts Last Blessing
source: news.nationalpost.com

He was so well known that the ruling elite were frightened that Jesus had influence among the people to cause radical changes to the social and political situation in the Middle East. Furthermore, these rulers were concerned that Jesus’ presence would cause the Romans to take suppressive action against the people.

I think it’s safe to say that the biblical accounts indicate Jesus was one of the best known figures of his day. 



Sermon on the Mount - Carl Heinrich Bloch

Once the authorities in Jerusalem decided to remove Jesus from public life, it should have been easy to track him down, right?

Wrong! They needed help. They needed help to find Jesus, which I guess it is ok, but they DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE! They had to pay one of Jesus’ best friends (Judas) to show them where Jesus was hanging out, and then kiss him so they could take the right man into custody.

And he that betrayed him had given them a token, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he; take him, and lead him away safely. And as soon as he was come, he goeth straightway to him, and saith, Master, master; and kissed him. (Mark 14:44-45, KJV)

Seriously? Worst police force EVER!

Police Academy

Ref: Matthew 26:14-16, 47-50; Mark 14: 10-11, 43-46; Luke 22:3-6, 47-49

Shamgar and the Ox Goad – You go to war with the ox goad you have

“Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” – President Theodore Roosevelt

If you don’t remember, sometime around the 12^th or 13^th century BC, some guy named Ehud assassinated Eglon, king of the Moabites, before leading the Israeli forces to a massive victory over the armies of Moab.

The Children of Israel Engage the Moabite Army

Today I think we should remember Shamgar, son of Anath. He was super-famous in his day, but the only reason we know anything about his today is that he helped with the post-assassination slaughter. However, this help isn’t Shamgar’s claim to fame; no sir. Shamgar was famous because once upon a time, he killed 600 Philistine men with an Ox goad.

  

Shamgar Strikes a Pose

An ox goad? WTF is an ox goad?

An ox goad is a stick used by someone to encourage oxen to move. It’s pretty long, so the goader doesn’t get kicked or anything like that, and is pretty sharp so an ox can really feel it.

Ox Goad

Now imagine someone killing 600 people with a sharpened wood pole.

Shamgar and Five of his Victims

THAT’s why Shamgar was famous.

Ref: Judges 3:31 “And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel. (King James Version)”

Jesus Meets Mary and Martha - Keeping it in the family

I hear references to fantasies about sisters (especially twins) quite often, but I suspect that’s even less common than brother/sister romances

One of the notable things about Jesus’ mortal ministry is how much time he spent walking around. He walked from city to city talking to people for years. Well, it just so happens that while stopping off in Bethany, Jesus ran into an eligible young woman named Martha.

As you might imagine, Martha was quite taken with Jesus. However, being a proper lady, she understood there were social norms that prevented her from dragging Jesus straight into her bedroom for some spontaneous lovemaking. Martha had to get Jesus to make the first move.

In accordance with the understanding that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, Martha invited Jesus by for lunch.

Once Jesus was comfortably seated, Martha started preparing the meal she needed to secure Christ’s lovin’.

Martha’s little sister Mary immediately noticed that an attractive man was dragged into the house and placed on the comfy chair. Jesus’ good looks were not lost on Mary, who kneeled down on the floor at Jesus’ feet and started talking with him.

Martha was not pleased that Mary was trying to edge in on her man, but couldn’t confront Mary directly without looking like a bitch. Trying to resolve the situation as best she could, Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me (Luke 10:40, KJV).” Sadly for Martha, Jesus was enjoying Mary’s company and responded, “Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her (Luke 10:41-42, KJV).”

Poor Martha, she was doing all that work trying to get Jesus into bed, but just couldn’t outdo her sister’s looks.

Note: I don’t know if this ended in the bedroom, but I do know that from this time on, Jesus had a very special relationship with both Mary and Martha (relationship reference 1, relationship reference 2, relationship reference 3, relationship reference 4).

Ref: Luke 10:38-42

Sifting the People of Israel – How gathering gets done

I bet it would be nice to be a descendent of Israel. Then you wouldn’t have to pass through the sieve and fall to the earth.

In the last days, Jehovah plans to spend a great deal of effort collecting the people of Israel from among the people of Earth. According to Amos 9:9, Jehovah is going to use a giant sieve and none from the house of Israel will pass through to fall upon the earth. 

  

Once they are safely segregated from the population, Jehovah will kill the unrighteous ones so their evil won’t contaminate the rest of the population. Once that’s done, the rest will be given a great mission. They will build cities, plant vineyards, drink wine, plant fruit trees, and eat fruit.

Here’s the thing though: if you remember, most of the children of Israel live inside the Earth.

A Hebrew Family Living Inside the Earth (not to scale)

If Jehovah’s job is done after the sieving and the wholesale slaughter, those who survive the process must have a huge task remaining. They need to find the entrance to the hollow earth and rejoin their brethren.

The Jews Rejoin their Hebrew Brethren (not to scale)

Moral: there is a good chance you will pass through the sieve and fall to the earth.

Ref: Amos 9:9-15

Midianite Genocide – Moses makes sure things are done properly

I wonder if Midianite women had a reputation for sexual prowess

You may not remember this, but when Moses fled Egypt to escape the criminal justice system he took refuge in Midian. While he was there he married a young Midianite woman named Zipporah, daughter of Jethro. Given Moses’ past relationship with Midian, it might surprise you to learn that when the Hebrew migration passed near Midian, Jehovah commanded Moses to wipe out the Midianites.

Apparently the Midianites were pretty weak sauce because Moses only sent 12,000 fighting men; 1,000 from each tribe. After the Hebrew heroes finished the long walk to Midian, they wasted no time in killing all the men. Then they took all the women and children captive, gathered up all the livestock and valuables, and burned every building in the country before returning to report to Moses.
 

When Moses received the war report he was furious. He said to the military leaders, “You didn’t kill the women? Are you crazy or just stupid? Don’t you realize that when Jehovah says he wants genocide, he actually wants genocide? Do you want Jehovah to kill us for not following orders?”

Moses immediately launched his plan of remediation. He had his people kill all the male Midianite children and all the women who failed the virginity check, and commanded that all the young virgins be immediately married to their captors.
 

This was a good start, but it wasn’t quite enough for the Lord. Jehovah spoke to Moses again with some additional steps: “Divide all the loot from Midian into two equal parts, divide one part among those who went to Midian to fight, and the other part among those who stayed behind. Then from the fighting men’s half, take one in every 500 young virgins and animals to the temple, along with one in 50 animals and virgins from the half for those who didn’t fight. Then sacrifice all those virgins and animals as a formal apology for not committing genocide properly and give all the looted money to the priest.

 

A total of 32,000 virgin Midianite girls survived the slaughter of their families. Of these, 352 virgins perished over the next several days as sacrifices to the Lord along with almost 9,000 animals. After the money was all collected, it was made into a memorial for the People of Israel.

 

Moral: Jehovah doesn’t like people messing with his genocide

Ref: Numbers 31

Mockers in the Last Days – Jude’s warning to the world

How would anyone know if God approves of chocolate anyway?

Many of Christ’s early followers were concerned about “the end of times.” Not much has changed since then. In fact, the biggest change is probably that discussions concerning the “final days” are no longer canonized as scripture.



The Apocalypse: Armageddon

Here’s the point: Jude had a very important warning for his fellow believers who would still be alive in the days prior to the apocalypse. “Watch out. Before the end, there will be people who make fun of you.”

Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, Jude added “These people will do stuff they enjoy, without checking with God first to make sure it’s ok! They will even live their lives separate from the followers of Christ!”

Now that is scary! People who follow after their own desires: they might even eat chocolate!

Image taken from girlfromarabia.com

Moral: there is no pit deep enough, or mountain tall enough to hide you from chocolate lovers!

Ref: Jude 1:17-19

But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ; that they told you there would be mockers in the last time, who would walk after their own ungodly lusts. These are they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit. (Jude 1:17-19, WBT)

Sodom and Gomorrah – Valuing obesity over charity

No matter how you look at it, what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah was pretty terrible

In Ezekiel chapter 16, Ezekiel serves as the mouthpiece of the Lord, directly conveying the words of God to us from the dust of ages past. The chapter focuses primarily on the people of Jerusalem and how awful they were for worshiping other gods. You can read more about it here.

The focus of this post is not about how God chose to punish the sinners of Jerusalem 2,500 years ago. Instead, I’d like to introduce a piece of often overlooked wisdom.

Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. (Ezekiel 16:49, JKV)

Here’s the deal: back, like forever ago, Jehovah rained down fire from heaven to destroy the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s pretty generally accepted that Sodom was destroyed because Jehovah doesn’t like sodomy. In fact, that’s where the word sodomy originates. Of course the bible never actually specifies the act of anal sex, but there is this bit in Sodom where a mob of unruly men attempted (unsuccessfully) to gang rape a couple of angels. That happened after Jehovah had already decided to destroy the city though. You can read more about it here.



The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah - Pieter Schoubroeck (16th century)

Words like “iniquity” and “abomination” are used to describe why Sodom was destroyed. Those are pretty general, but Christians in general think the word “abomination” refers to anal sex. The only thing I can think of that could drive the association is the attempted gang rape. However, there is TONS of rape in the bible and a fair amount of it is gang rape. None of those other places of rape got torched; presumably because it was guy on girl rape, but I’m not entirely convinced.


This Levite just found his concubine on the doorstep, where she
managed to drag herself before dying after a long night
of especially brutal rape by a gang of biblical miscreants



The only place in the bible I can find that uses really specific language to describe the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah is in the above quoted scripture where The Great God Himself says the iniquity (or abomination) of Sodom was pride, gluttony, laziness, and a failure to care properly for the poor and needy.

Yeah, Jehovah totally torched Sodom and Gomorrah because the non-poor were fat and lazy while the poor went hungry.

Note: according to the USDA, almost 15% of American households experience “food insecurity” every year. These households are uncertain of having, or unable to acquire, enough food to meet the needs of all their members because they had insufficient money or other resources for food.

  

Please take the time to visit http://feedingamerica.org/ or http://thehungersite.greatergood.com/ to learn how you can help combat hunger.

Jairus’ Daughter – Jesus raises a lovely young woman from the dead

“Stay alive! No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, Jesus will find you.” -Hawkeye

One day when Jesus was doing a whole bunch of miracle working, the head of the local synagogue, Jairus, ran up to him and said, “My daughter is at home dying. Please come with me and touch her, for if you do this, surely will she yet live.”




Miracle of Christ - José Teófilo de Jesus (1839)

 This sounded OK to Jesus who started to walk to Jairus’ house. On the way there, one of Jairus’ household slaves showed up and said, “Your daughter is dead. You don’t need Jesus’ help anymore.” Jesus wasn’t ready to give up yet, so he gave Jairus’ hand a little squeeze and said, “Be not afraid, only believe.”

When Jesus and Jairus showed up at the house, a ton of people were already there crying and wailing in grief over the loss of the fair damsel. After Jesus got into the house he said, “Hey, what gives? Why are you all making such a fuss? Clearly this young woman is just sleeping.”

Even though the mourners were upset, the absurdity of what Jesus said was so great they briefly forgot their grief and turned on Jesus. They said all sorts of mean, wicked things like; “You’re joking, right?” “Are you crazy, or just stupid?” “Hey, who let in the moronic asshole?” and “Jesus H Christ! You must be the biggest prick ever born. I mean, in what possible way could anyone find the means to be more insensitive?”

The bible clearly demonstrates that Jesus wasn’t the type to take such abuse lying down. Just think about what he did to those moneychangers at the temple, or that fig tree that failed to fruit out of season. Now, the bible doesn’t say how he did it, but all three accounts (Matthew, Mark, and Luke) agree that Jesus expelled everyone but the dead girl and her parents from the house. I like to think he went all Samson with the jawbone of an ass, but who knows?  In the end, I suppose it doesn’t really matter anyway.



Samson with the Jawbone of an Ass
Giorgio Schiavone - (15th Century)

Once the spectators were gone, Jesus knelt down on the side of the bed, took the girl by the hand and said, “Hey, wake up.” Then the girl got out of bed and stood up. Everyone was amazed and Jesus told Jairus’ slaves to get something for the girl to eat.



Voskresheni docheri Iaira - Vasiliy Polenov (1871)



Moral: not even mean words can stop Jesus from dragging girls out of bed.

Ref: Matthew 9:18-26, Mark 5:22-42, & Luke 8:41-55