Tamar's Twins - Reminding us that babies are miraculous

In the olden days it was cool for religious leaders to get prostitutes

Once upon a time, Israel's son Judah knocked up his daughter-in-law. The word "Jew" comes from Judah. The Jews are Judah's descendents. It might help to review the story of Tamer's pregnancy.

After Judah had sex with his daughter-in-law, she became pregnant with twins whom she named Zerah and Perez. I don’t know how common twins are when the Father of the Jews gets his dead son’s wife pregnant, but I assume it’s still fairly rare. It must just have been a sign of how special Judah and Tamar’s relationship really was.

When Tamar was delivering the babies, Zarah reached his arm out through his mother’s vagina. The midwife saw it and tied a red piece of string around Zarah’s wrist and said, “This one came out first.”

After the whole wrist incident, Perez was delivered first, then Zerah. However, because Zerah had the red string around his wrist, he got to be the official “first born.”

When I first though about this, I thought there was no way an infant’s arm would be long enough to accomplish Zerah’s feat. However, I checked and among modern, average size people, a newborn’s arms should be around six inches long, and the distance from the cervical opening to the entrance of the vagina is around four inches. That’s totally long enough for Zerah to stick out his hand.

The thing is, there’s not a lot of extra room in your average uterus for a lot of messing around.

 

It's even worse with twins in there.

 

 Unless of course, Tamar had some sort of super-uterus.

 

 I that case, I'm sure Zerah and Perez would have been able to work something out.

Moral: not all uteruses are equal.

Ref: Genesis 38:27-30

Hosea and Gomer – A refreshing blend of prophet and whoredom

Would you be upset if God called your wife a whore?

Hosea had a very special relationship with Jehovah. They used to chat all the time, take long walks on the beach, and plan for the future. One day Jehovah said to Hosea:

Yo!

Like, all them Israelites, they be whoring

themselves out; bowing before another god.

I gots stuff to say, what ain’t not boring

Time for destruction. Get ready to applaud.

Seek out dem whores, and find a fertile girl

It’s time to procreate; make kids from whoredom

Let me give them names. Let’s give it a twirl.

We’ll use them to show the end of the kingdom.

Hosea was a good boy, so he went out and found a pretty little thing that was whoring herself out to other gods. Her name was Gomer, and after Hosea took her from her father Diblaim, she got all pregnant, gave birth to a son, and Jehovah named the kid Jezreel.

Jezreel’s name meant that Jehovah was going to destroy the kingdom of Israel and “break Israel’s bow” in the valley of Jezreel. The second kid, a daughter, was named Lo-ruhamah. This name meant the house of Israel would receive no mercy, but the house of Judah would sorta be OK after a while. Finally, Gomer popped out a second son, who Jehovah named Lo-ammi. Lo-ammi means, “You are not my people, and I will not be your God.”

After all the birthing and naming; things looked pretty bleak for those who practiced whoredoms and those born from whoredoms. Jehovah must have realized this, because he left off with some words of consolation:

Yo!

In the future, the stars will shine bright.

The people of Israel will expand.

You know they’ll outnumber the sand, right?

They’re the children of God, understand?

Whoa, did I hear that right? The people of Israel are the children of God? I thought they were the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob/Israel. Clearly I was wrong, because someone as tight with Jehovah as Hosea wouldn’t lie about something like that. I am just left to wonder if Jehovah was talking about Hosea’s kids and Jehovah was even closer to Hosea and Gomer than I thought. Probably not. Jehovah was probably banging Abraham’s wife Sarah, and that’s how she finally got pregnant with Isaac after all those unfruitful years of intercourse with Abraham. A third option is that Jehovah was having covert sex with ALL the ladies, and everyone was the literal son or daughter of God. That’s a whole lot of incest and a really funny looking family tree.

Of course Jehovah’s legendary fertility could explain the massive population growth among Abraham’s alleged descendants during their time in Egypt.  

Moral: It’s rarely a good thing with God dictates who you marry and how you name your children.

Ref: Hosea 1:1-11

The Epic Tale of Job: Part 1 – Elohim feels compelled to prove himself to Lucifer

It appears that God likes to punish the people who love him the most

One well-known story from the Old Testament is that of Job. Job was this poor sap that God decided to test. When Job’s faith remained unshaken he got lots of cool stuff from God as a reward. It’s odd to me that people teach this story in Sunday school like it’s a good thing. This is a really twisted story. Let’s break it down.

Job was the richest man in the East. He had seven sons and three daughters. He had seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses. This is WAY more than Aladdin had after the Genie made him into Prince Ali Ababwa.  Job was also a God-fearing man who made seven burnt offerings every day for his sons just in case they may have sinned by cursing God in their hearts.

Ok, now let’s get the story underway: periodically the angels would present themselves to Elohim. I’m not sure why, probably to make sure their ears and fingernails were clean, their boots were polished, and they had regulation haircuts. In any case, at one of these inspections Lucifer showed up. Elohim was surprised to see his favorite fallen angel but he was also eager to show off his favorite rich guy, Job. He said to Lucifer, “Have you seen Job? There is no one like him on the Earth. He is so great. He has more money than the Mormon flip-flopper, Mit Romney, but still manages to fear me and avoid evil.

Lucifer scoffed and said, “Yeah, of course. You’ve coddled this guy from infancy. If you destroyed all his riches he would totally curse you. He would spit in your face if he had the chance.” Elohim said, “No way. You’re SO wrong. I’ll totally prove it to you. Go and kill all his servants and animals and he’ll totally still like me.” (This is so cool. You totally have to love God-endorsed murder.)

So the next day Job received news that the oxen and asses had been captured by the Sabeans and their caretakers murdered. The camels were captured by the Chaldeans and the camel servants were murdered too. Then my personal favorite: the fire of God descended upon the sheep and the sheepherders destroying all of them. Finally, while Job’s sons and daughters were eating dinner together the house collapsed, killing them and their servants.

All in all, it was a bad day. Job was sad of course, but he did not curse God. He said, “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21, KJV) Now I know this is meant to be a sad and meaningful verse, but all I get from it is that Job is planning to get naked and head for his mother’s womb. Do you think he’ll make it? Is he planning to enter vaginally or surgically?

Ref: Job 1

Lot and His Family - Incestuous Rape is the Preferred Sin

Because we need to learn from the book on which people like to base their moraility.

Lot (Abraham's nephew) was hanging out by the city gate one afternoon when he saw two dudes in sharp clothes walk into town. Lot asked them to hang out his place. The sharp dudes didn’t want to at first, but Lot talked them into it and made them some bread.

Then all the horny guys from town showed up and asked Lot to send out the dudes in sharp clothes for a twisted rape/orgy. Lot wasn't so sure about that so he told the crowd he had two virgin daughters they could rape instead. I guess the daughters were dog ugly ‘cause the crowd still wanted the dudes. When the mob tried to break down Lot’s door they all went blind and couldn’t figure out where the door was. Then the sharp dudes told Lot to get out of town because God was going to melt it. You see God had decided that Lot and his family were really good people who needed to be saved. (God doesn't usually have a problem when a father offers his daughters to a horny mob for an all night gang rape.)

So Lot, his wife and the ugly virgins booked it out of town, but the dumb wife looked to see what a melting city looks like, and the sight made her turn into salt (because God is an asshole that likes to turn people into salt).

God: "Y'all are dumb as a doorknob. You gonna be some f@&%ing salt! Mawhahaha"

After the salt incident Lot and his daughters moved into a cave. The daughters didn’t think this was particularly awesome, so they decided to get pregnant because that always fixes everything. They sorted out a plan to get dad so drunk he didn’t know what was going on, then have sex with him; props to Lot for being able to maintain an erection after passing out drunk.

So the ugly virgins got pregnant on the first try (they must have had ancient ovulation pee sticks), then they got to live in a cave with their dad and two crying kids. See how getting pregnant fixes things?


Ref: Genesis 19:1-36


Note: I image that if ancient authorities received an anonymous tip about incest/child abuse in a cave and went to investigate, Lot would have to come up with a pretty convincing story to keep himself out of jail. I'm sure most of you readers have a pretty good idea of how incestuous child rapists are treated by the other inmates.