Yahweh’s Wonders – “Thunder bolt and lightning very very frightening me”

Why did Yahweh work so hard to impress Pharaoh if He was just going to use magic to make sure Pharaoh wasn’t impressed? Because He’s an exhibitionist.

When Moses and Aaron went to visit Pharaoh the second time, Aaron turned his staff into a snake to impress Pharaoh. Of course Pharaoh wasn’t impressed and called in his personal magicians who also turned their rods into snakes. Because Aaron’s snake was a Yahweh snake it was tougher than the average snake and ate all the magician’s snakes. Unfortunately for the slaves, Yahweh “hardened Pharaoh’s heart” to make sure he didn’t get all worried and let the slaves go.

The next day Yahweh told Moses to tell Aaron to touch the river water with his magic snake rod. This turned the river to blood and all the fish died. This was pretty impressive, but again Pharaoh’s magicians duplicated the feat and Yahweh did his heart hardening bit so the slaves had to stay.

The next trick was frogs. Moses told Aaron to summon about a bazillion frogs. These frogs got everywhere. They covered the entire country. Then, the magicians duplicated the feat and made things even worse! Finally Pharaoh got fed up and asked Moses and Aaron to ask Yahweh to get rid of the frogs, promising that as soon as the frogs were gone the Hebrew slaves would all be released. Once the frogs were gone though, Yahweh hardened Pharaoh’s heart and the slaves had to stay.

They repeated this exact pattern for lice, and then for flies. After Pharaoh reversed his promise for the flies Moses and Aaron started to sing the part they knew of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, because who doesn’t love that song, I mean really? Even more surprising was the fact that Pharaoh joined in.

Moses: But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me.
Aaron: He's just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Moses: Easy come easy go will you let me go?
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Aaron: Let him go.
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Aaron: Let him go.
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Moses: Let me go.
Pharaoh: Will not let you go.

Moses: Let me go.

Pharaoh: Never! Never let you go.

Moses: Let me go, never let me go ooo. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me - for me - for me



Queen: Greatest Hits



While you would think performing Queen’s music a cappella would solve any property dispute, not even such joyful sounds could overcome Yahweh’s persistent hardening of Pharaoh’s heart. Even after Aaron and Moses killed all the Egyptian cattle, gave the Egyptians boils, made fire rain down from heaven, caused a plague of locusts, and made everything dark for three days, Pharaoh just couldn’t shake that heart hardening. Oh well.

Moral: no amount of singing or magic can overcome a hard heart once Yahweh gets involved.

Ref: Exodus 7 - 10

Yahweh Kills Korah and his Buddies – When in doubt, kill. It’s what God wants.

Letting the Lord be a part of your daily life seems like a good way to get killed

And it came to pass that in the days of Moses wherein the children of Israel sojourned in the desert that Korah the Levite and 250 of the great princes of the assembly rose up to address Moses. That’s right, you heard me. Korah and his celebrity friends went to have a little chat with Moses one day. They said, “Moses and Aaron, you two have way too much power to decide what happens to us. You need to share some of that responsibility and authority. Everyone in the congregation is a holy person and Yahweh is with all of us. Why then do the two of you use your ‘holiness’ as an excuse to boss everyone around?”

Moses was not pleased these individuals were challenging his authority. Fortunately he was quick on his feet and instantly formulated a plan. He said, “Alright then. All of you all who are here challenging us bring some incense tomorrow and you will burn it to honor Yahweh. Aaron and his priests will do the same. Then Yahweh will show us who is holy.” Moses then had a talk with God and told Him to not accept the offering of Korah and his buddies.

At the time set aside for burning the incense the next day Moses said, “Everyone pay attention. Yahweh put me in charge of you all. If these men who are assembled against me die, it means I’m in charge. If the Lord visits them peacefully it means that I’m not supposed to be in charge.” Right after Moses stopped talking a huge pit appeared in the ground. Korah, all his relatives, their houses, and all their property fell into the pit. Then Yahweh shot out streams of flame that consumed the 250 celebrity princes with the incense.

The next day the surviving children of Israel started to complain because Moses had killed so many of the Lord’s people; as you might expect. Because Yahweh can’t stand whining he said to Moses, “Get away from all these people so I can destroy them too.” Moses didn’t want EVERYONE to die so he made Aaron grab some incense and run like crazy among the people so the Lord would not destroy them. This sort of worked. Only 14,700 people were killed for complaining instead of everyone.

Moral: Don’t complain, seriously. If you do Yahweh will get you!

Ref: Numbers 16

Yahweh burns Aaron’s sons – In which we learn Yahweh is a dick

Why is Jesus always going on about wine, if Yahweh thinks it’s bad?

Once upon a time the Hebrew people were wandering through the wilderness of Southwest Asia after leaving Egypt. While they were out there Yahweh told Aaron (Moses’ brother) to kill a calf and a ram and offer them to the Lord. Yahweh also told Aaron to command the people of Israel to kill a baby goat, a calf, a lamb, a bullock, and a ram and offer them to the Lord.

So everyone gathered together in a huge mob with the animals. Aaron killed the animals, collected their blood in big bowls, took out their innards and washed them, and collected the fat. Then Aaron took the hides, bones, and meat and took them outside the camp and burned them. Once that was finished, Aaron sprinkled the blood on an altar and burned it. Then he put all the guts on the altar and burned them. Finally he put the fat on the altar and burned it.

Yahweh was so happy about all the burning stuff he appeared to the people of Israel like a great big ball of glorious light. Then, according to the Bible, fire shot out of him and consumed the offerings on the altar.  While it seems really reasonable that a big ball of fire would appear floating in the air and shoot down a finger of flame to burn stuff I find this passage confusing. The bible says Aaron burned all the stuff, then after Aaron was done burning stuff, Yahweh showed up to burn the stuff. Did Aaron just not do a good job or what?

Now we get to the point of this story: two of Aaron’s sons (Nadab and Abihu) decided to pray to Yahweh later. They remembered from the whole ball of fire trick that Yahweh liked burning stuff, so they took their incense burners, put incense in them, lit it and offered the burning incense to the Lord. Of course Yahweh was furious because these dumb sons of Aaron made a burnt offering without being told. To punish them Yahweh shot out fire from himself to completely destroy Nadab and Abihu. Turns out they were right about Yahweh liking to burn stuff. They were just confused about what He likes to burn.

Then Yahweh told Aaron and his other sons they were not allowed to mourn the deaths of Nadab and Abihu and he told them to not drink wine. You see, people that do magic in the name of Yahweh can’t drink wine so they will always be able to tell the difference between clean and unclean (here’s lookin’ at you Jesus, ya damn drunk).

Ref: Leviticus 9-10