Adam and Steve – Not the work of God

Am I the only one that thinks this way?

I have it on very good authority, including Rev. Jason McGuire and Rev. Thomas Johnson, that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. They’re probably right. I mean, I’ve read Genesis many times, and it’s always Adam and Eve.

This presents a few problems for me. Most everyone agrees that we all come from God. We are His creations; not Steve though. Modern religious leaders and teachers are always going on about how God DID NOT create Steve. My first impulse is to feel bad for Steve, you know, for not being created and stuff. Once I start to think about things though, I realize there are a lot of Steves; they must have come from somewhere. Who made Steve, if not God?

Let's look at this logically:

1. According to The Silmarillion, Morgoth (Sauron’s master) made the orcs, but he didn't really make them. He just took a bunch of elves and broke them. I bet Lucifer works the same way. Perhaps God did make the ancestors of Steve, just not Steve in his present form. For this to work, Lucifer must have kidnapped a bunch of Alans and Jacobs and corrupted them until their tortured and broken descendants eventually became Steves.

2. The first woman, Lilith (according to Midrashic literature), left Adam and the Garden due to what she perceived as unfair treatment. She thought that since she was born from the same dirt as Adam (rather than a rib like Eve) she should have equal rights. The Kabbalah text Sefer ha-Zohar confirms this:

At the same time Jehovah created Adam, he created a woman, Lilith, who like Adam was taken from the earth. She was given to Adam as his wife. But there was a dispute between them about a matter that when it came before the judges had to be discussed behind closed doors. She spoke the unspeakable name of Jehovah and vanished.

3. The Alpha Betha of Ben Sira explains that the conflict between Adam and Lilith was sexual in Nature. Adam insisted that because he was superior to Lilith she had to lie beneath him during sex. Lilith refused.

4. After leaving the garden, Lilith developed a sexual relationship with the Archangel Samael (also known as Malkira, and much later as Satan/Lucifer). The entire experience inspired Lilith to become a flying demon that causes Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Here is pretty clear evidence that sex with Satan changes a feminist into a baby-killing demon. You might even say that Satan created the demon Lilith by using sex to torture and corrupt the human Lilith.

Conclusion:

If you think about it, everything should make sense now. People say “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” as a way to say homosexuality (including butt sex) goes against the will of God. God didn’t make the Steves, but they exist. Satan sex ‘creates’ something new. Therefore, Satan and some humans must have engaged in nasty butt sex that was both torturous and corrupting to make all the Steves.   

Note: Don’t worry too much about Adam. After his sex buddy Lilith took off, God made him a new one out of a rib to make sure she was properly subservient and was always ready to assume the missionary position.