God Hates Esau – Dragons are trouble

It is scientific fact

When the word of God came to Malachi it was mostly about how the naughty Jews were going to be punished and how the world would be burned someday to kill all the wicked. God did say something cool to Malachi that teaches us a lot about the history of the earth and supports the fact that the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

God said to Malachi, “Hey you remember Abraham’s grandkids, Jacob and his brother Esau? Well, I just loved Jacob to death. Esau though; that’s a different story. I hated that stupid rat-bastard. I hated him so much that I destroyed his mountains and all his land. I jacked up the area where his descendants lived so badly that only dragons could live there.”

That’s right: dragons. Most of the English translations floating around nowadays use the phrase “desert jackals” in place of “dragons of the wilderness,” but that’s just silly. In Latin, the phrase is “dracones deserti.” Dracones doesn’t mean jackals. It means dragons.

Because we love the bible AND science lets work this out together: the only dragons still around today are Komodo Dragons, but because they only live on a couple of Indonesian islands it’s unlikely that God had them displace Esau’s descendants in the Near East. The only bones anyone ever finds that seem all dragonish are what we call “dinosaur bones.” This is an obvious misnomer. They are actually dragon bones and are not from millions of years ago. Dragons were created by God at the same time as all the other animals and were still around in great numbers in 430 BC when God was talking to Malachi about them.

Still believe in evolution? Suck on this!



Image taken from www.dailysquib.co.uk



Ref: Malachi 1:2-3

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 7 – Jacob gets ready to meet Esau again

Jacob is an awesome wrestler

When Jacob got close to home he sent some messengers to let Chewbacca know he was coming. He told the messengers to tell Chewy he had been living with their cousin/uncle Laban and now had a large collection of oxen, asses, flocks, boy slaves, and girl slaves. Also: he wanted Chewy to like him.

The messengers returned and told Jacob that Chewy was coming to meet him with a company of 400 men. Jacob was pretty prudent so he divided his company into two groups with the idea that it Chewy decided to destroy one of the groups the other could get away. Then he took about five hundred of his farm animals and divided them into several groups. He told his servants to take the groups of animals to Chewy separately and each time to tell him they were presents from Jacob who was coming along behind.

This night things got a little weird. After the gifts had been sent off toward Chewy, Jacob took his two wives, his two baby-making slaves, and his 11 sons and sent them across the steam so he was alone. As soon as the women and children were out of sight a strange man attached Jacob and they wrestled through the entire night. When dawn came, the strange man told Jacob to let him go because the sun was going to come up. Then the strange man revealed that he was, in fact, Yahweh. Yahweh told Jacob he needed to change his name to Israel because he was a good enough wrestler to beat God (weird, I know).

When the sun came up Jacob/Israel saw Chewy coming with his small army. He asked the women and children to walk behind him and approached Chewy fearing for his life. However, when Chewy got close he ran to meet Jacob/Israel, hugged him, kissed him, and wept with joy. Chewy asked who the women and children were and Jacob/Israel explained they were his family. The women and children all bowed to Chewy. Then Chewy tried to give back the animals but Jacob/Israel wouldn’t take them and said he was just happy to have Chewy like him.

And they all lived happily ever after (for a little while).

Ref: Genesis 32-33

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 2 – Jacob and Esau

Sibling rivalry on a biblical scale

In proper keeping with family tradition, just like Abraham’s cousin/wife, Isaac’s cousin/wife Rebekah was barren (note: if fertility is a problem in your family, stop marrying your cousins). But it was ok because Isaac was a good little boy who prayed to Yahweh. Yahweh then helped Rebekah get pregnant. In fact, Yahweh is so good at the whole pregnancy thing that Rebekah ended up carrying twins. The first one came out as a hairy carpet and looked very much like Chewbacca so for this story we’ll just call him Chewy. The second one was Jacob who came out nice and smooth.

Chewy was a hard worker and spent most of his time hunting. Jacob spent all his time in the tents, having his nails done, his hair styled, and trying on clothes. Their father, Isaac, liked Chewy best because he was a man’s man, provided delicious animals to eat, and was the starting left tackle for four years at Notre Dame. Rebekah liked Jacob best because he looked really sharp and was always game for a late brunch, an afternoon of shopping, or an evening of cupcakes and cocktails.

One evening Jacob was sitting outside with some lentil soup and bread he’d nicked from the kitchen when Chewy came home from a long day of work outside. Chewy hadn’t eaten all day and was super hungry. He said, “Hey girly man, give me that food or I’ll pummel you.” Jacob wasn’t about to be pushed around by a thug like Chewbacca so he said, “You wouldn’t dare. Mom would never feed you again if you laid a finger on me. In fact, if you want this food you’re going to have to promise me that I get to be head of the family after Dad dies.” Chewy knew he’d been outmaneuvered so he said, “Fine. It won’t do me much good if I starve to death. Just give me the food and you can be in charge after dad dies.”

So Chewy ate his newly acquired food and went back to work, having been cleverly outmaneuvered by his sissy little brother.

Ref: Genesis 25: 20-34