God Hates Esau – Dragons are trouble

It is scientific fact

When the word of God came to Malachi it was mostly about how the naughty Jews were going to be punished and how the world would be burned someday to kill all the wicked. God did say something cool to Malachi that teaches us a lot about the history of the earth and supports the fact that the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

God said to Malachi, “Hey you remember Abraham’s grandkids, Jacob and his brother Esau? Well, I just loved Jacob to death. Esau though; that’s a different story. I hated that stupid rat-bastard. I hated him so much that I destroyed his mountains and all his land. I jacked up the area where his descendants lived so badly that only dragons could live there.”

That’s right: dragons. Most of the English translations floating around nowadays use the phrase “desert jackals” in place of “dragons of the wilderness,” but that’s just silly. In Latin, the phrase is “dracones deserti.” Dracones doesn’t mean jackals. It means dragons.

Because we love the bible AND science lets work this out together: the only dragons still around today are Komodo Dragons, but because they only live on a couple of Indonesian islands it’s unlikely that God had them displace Esau’s descendants in the Near East. The only bones anyone ever finds that seem all dragonish are what we call “dinosaur bones.” This is an obvious misnomer. They are actually dragon bones and are not from millions of years ago. Dragons were created by God at the same time as all the other animals and were still around in great numbers in 430 BC when God was talking to Malachi about them.

Still believe in evolution? Suck on this!



Image taken from www.dailysquib.co.uk



Ref: Malachi 1:2-3

Abraham’s Plan for Murder – Yahweh has it in for Isaac

The best part is that Abraham didn’t think it was weird when God told him to kill his son

After years of trying, Abraham and his wife/cousin Sarah finally made a baby. They named him Isaac and he immediately became the favorite child. Sarah was so excited about Isaac. She wanted Isaac to be the uncontested heir of all the family wealth so she convinced Abraham to get rid of his sex slave Hagar and their 14-year-old son Ishmael.

Several years later, Yahweh got really bored one day (more jealous than bored, really) and decided to mess with his good friend Abraham. He showed up at Abraham’s tent and said, “You sent away Ishmael so now you only have one son. I know you love this new son more than anything. That doesn’t work really well for me, so I need you to prove you still like me best by taking Isaac on a little trip and then sacrificing him to me as a burnt offering. You know how I love those.”

I suppose Abraham was at least a little upset by this, even though the bible doesn’t say so, because he waited until the next morning before taking Isaac, two slaves, a donkey, and wood for a fire out for a walk. They walked for three days to get to the place Yahweh wanted Isaac killed; then Abraham stopped and told the slaves to wait with the donkey. He and Isaac then wandered off to be alone. Of course Abraham made Isaac carry the wood.

Isaac was a little confused and asked his father, “I see you have a knife and a torch while I carry the wood for a sacrifice, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham lied to Isaac and said, “The Lord will provide.” Because of the lie I’m sure Isaac was shocked pretty bad when Abraham tied him up and laid him on the wood. He may have even cried out for help, but of course the slaves had been ordered to stay with the donkey.

Abraham picked up the knife and just as he laid it on his son’s neck, Yahweh decided He’d had His fun and sent an angel to stop Abraham from committing filicide. The angel told Abraham he didn’t have to kill his only acknowledged son anymore because he’d demonstrated that he still loved Yahweh more than anything else.

Then, because Yahweh still wanted to feast on blood, fat, and kidneys; He magically provided Abraham with a ram. The ram was substituted for Isaac and Yahweh got his burnt offering. However, Yahweh was going to have to wait a long time before the descendants of Abraham started offering human sacrifices.

Moral: Don’t have a favorite son or God will get all jealous and stuff.

Ref: Genesis 21-22

The Covenant of Abraham – The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Being best friends with a god is pretty swell, just remember they don’t have the same sense of morality as us poor mortals.

Once upon a time Jehovah had a best friend named Abram. They really were the very bestest of friends. Jehovah liked Abram so much He wrote a song called “You’re My Best Friend.” Several thousand years later Queen stole this song and changed the word “bro” in the third stanza to “girl” to make it sound less gay. Here is a sample of the lyrics:

You're the best friend
that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
You're my best friend

One day Jehovah was walking through Canaan with his buddy Abram and decided to give Abram a gift. He said, “You see all the land from Egypt to the Euphrates River? In the far future this land will bear many names, like Palestine, Saudi Arabia, Oman, Yemen, Turkey, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Qatar, and a few others I can’t think of right now. For now we’ll call it ‘the whole land of Canaan.’ I will make your descendents into a great people who will live in all this land forever. It’s a gift.”

Jehovah continued: “Oh, I’m gonna have to change your name to Abraham because I’m making you into a father of nations and to make sure I always remember to help out your descendants they’re going to have to practice male genital mutilation. Don’t worry about it too much. It’s just a little snip and you can do it right after the boys are born so they aren’t traumatized forever by having some dude play with their junk and a sharp rock.”

This was all great for a while, but a few short millennia later Jehovah got really mad at the “seed” of Abraham. He decided they weren’t worshiping Him enough, so He made Nebuchadrezzar, the king of Babylon, completely destroy the Hebrew nation. Those not killed by the Babylonians were taken away from “the whole land of Canaan” and taken to Babylon, effectively reneging on the whole “Covenant of Abraham” thing; too bad, so sad.

Moral: even the great Jehovah will abandon a promise if sufficiently provoked. Don’t dick around with Jesus.

Ref: Genesis 12-17 & Jeremiah 25:8-11

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 1 – Isaac and Rebekah get hitched

Yahweh is really good at finding hot virgins

When Abraham got really old he decided that it was time for his son Isaac to get married. However, he didn’t want to see his son with one of those nasty local girls so he called in his senior slave and said, “I need you to put your hand UNDER MY THIGH and promise you won’t find Isaac a wife among the locals. You have to go to my hometown and fetch one of his cousins.” The slave then asked, “What if the woman doesn‘t want to travel all the way back here? Should I go find a girl, then come back here, then take Isaac out to meet her?” Abraham replied, “No! Not just no, but hell no! Yahweh told me this land here is for my descendants. My son stays here!”

So the slave took a bunch of loot and walked from Canaan back to the city of Nahor in Mesopotamia (about 100 miles). When he got there he prayed to Yahweh saying, “God of Abraham. Make it so the woman you want for Isaac offers to get water for my camels so I can tell who it is.” Isaac’s cousin Rebekah immediately showed up and gave water to the slave and the camels. Fortunately Isaac’s cousin was a virgin and pretty.

The slave then went to talk with Rebekah’s parents and told them about his deal with Yahweh regarding the camels. They were very impressed by the story and immediately sold Rebekah to Abraham’s slave. Then Rebekah gathered up her stuff and she and her personal slaves walked back to Canaan to meet Isaac. They got married the day she arrived and moved into Isaac’s mother’s basement. Wait, I mean tent. They moved into Isaac’s mom’s tent.

Ref: Genesis 24

Jews vs Arabs – The fight begins

This one is Truly Educational

After Abram (Abraham) sold his wife Sarai to Pharaoh and got kicked out of Egypt he moved back to the land God gave him for his posterity: modern day Israel. For 10 years his wife Sarai (Pharaoh gave her back when he make Abram leave Egypt) tried to get pregnant but it just wasn’t working out.

If you remember, part of the sale price for Sarai was a bunch of Egyptian slaves. Sarai was using one of these slaves as a personal maid and because she felt bad about not being able to get pregnant she gave her slave Hagar to Abraham so they could make babies. Hagar got pregnant pretty easy and this made Sarai MAD. Sarai beat the shit out of Hagar for getting pregnant and Hagar ran away.

Well, this didn’t work for God who wanted his chosen guy to have lots of babies so he sent an angel to sort things out. The angel found Hagar off by herself and told her she had to go back and just let Sarai keep beating her up as long as necessary so she could give Abram the kid. The angel also told her she had to name the kid Ishmael. Hagar was really used to doing what she was told so went back to Sarai and Abram. She eventually had the kid and like a good girl named him Ishmael (It’s important here to remember that God promised the “Holy Land” to Abraham’s posterity).

The next major event is that God comes down and tell Abram that he has to change his name to Abraham and Sarai has to change her name to Sarah. God tells Abraham that his descendents will be the covenant people of God and God will always like them best. Furthermore, from then on all the males have to have their foreskins removed when they are eight days old as their part of the covenant. A long as they keep cutting off their foreskins God will be good to them. If they don’t chop off the foreskin, God won’t like them anymore. God also mentioned that Sarah was going to have a son.

They have this huge circumcision party where all the family and the slaves do their part for God.

This is pretty unbelievable but after the party Abraham moves his people to a new location and Abraham pulls the “Sarah is my sister” trick again and Abimelech the local king marries her. This is just a little odd because by this time Sarah is 90 years old. In any case, after the wedding God has a little chat with Abimelech explaining the situation. Abimelech does some quick talking and gets God to agree to not kill all his people if he gives back Sarah and pays off Abraham. Once again Abraham makes out like a bandit with tons more animals and slaves and God doesn’t kill Abimelech’s people.

Then Sarah actually does have a son and they name him Isaac. Well, now that Sarah has her own son she doesn’t want Hagar’s kid hanging around anymore so she tells Abraham to get rid of her. Abraham isn’t too keen on the idea of getting rid of his son but God tells him it’s ok so he gaves Hagar a bottle of water, a loaf and bread, and sends her off into the desert with her son.

The reason this is SUCH a problem is that God promised Canaan (Israel, Gaza, West Bank) to Abraham’s descendents. Because Abraham sent Hagar and Ishmael away he then had two separate groups of descendents. The Jews are convinced they own the region through Sarah and Isaac. The Arabs are convinced they own the region through Hagar and Ishmael. Because the deed to the land comes from God both groups are unwilling to change their position and are going to just keep on killing each other. Yay. Nice move God.

Secret to bliblical success: 1. get married 2. sell wife 3. have God kill people 4. get wife back 5. repeat steps 2-4

Note:  The more traditional viewpoint of Islam is that they are supposed to share because they are all Abraham's decendants. The more traditional viewpoint of Judeaism is that the Arabs get none of it because Abraham sent away Ishmael. Over time the view of the Islamic world has been shifting toward a more radical solution: genocide.

What's interesting to me is that both groups can't even consider the idea that the biblical account of Abraham's family may not be entirely accurate. In fact, I'm pretty sure the Arabs had no idea they were decended from Ishmael until after Muhammad, about 1400 years ago. Also, there is absolutely zero evidence outside of the biblical and Quranic accounts that any of the Abrahamic tradition is true.

Ref: Genesis 16-17 and Genesis 20-21

Abraham in Egypt – How to sell your wife and come out ahead

Because you didn’t hear this in Sunday School

Abraham’s birth name was Abram so for this story we’ll call him Abram. It turns out that after God confounds the languages at the Tower of Babel he sits on the sidelines for a few hundred years. Then out of the blue he comes to Abram and tells him it’s time to move. So Abram (who was 75 at the time) takes his wife Sarai, his son-in-law Lot (the guy who later got drunk and made babies with his daughters), and the rest of his household and they walk to Caanan. Caanan is an area that includes the modern nation of Israel, part of Lebanon, part of Jordan, part of Egypt, and Gaza.

God tells Abram he can have Caanan for his posterity. Screw the people who were already living there (modern Palestine anyone?).

Sadly, Caanan was in a bad spot at the time: no rain. To get away from the famine Abram and his posse walk down to Egypt. When they get to the edge of Egypt Abram tell his wife that she’s such a hottie he’s afraid the Egyptians will kill him so they can have her for themselves; so they need to lie and say she’s his sister. Well, Abram was right. The Egyptians did think Mrs. Abram was super hot so they ran and told Pharaoh about this new hottie. Pharaoh liked the new hottie so he paid Abram a ton of animals and servants (slaves) so he could marry her.

Apparently God doesn’t approve of polyandry (someone should have told Joseph Smith) because after Pharaoh marries Abram’s wife bad stuff happens. God starts to kill people in Pharaoh’s household using disease. Pharaoh is a smart guy so ALL BY HIMSELF he figures out that if God is killing his family and servants Abram must have lied, and his new wife MUST also be married to Abram.

Pharaoh takes the new wife back to Abram, lectures him for lying to him, and tells him to take all his crap and get out of town. So Abram takes back his wife and heads out of Egypt a much richer man than when he arrived.

Note: Sarai was in her 60s at the time of this story.

Ref: Genesis 12

Lot and His Family - Incestuous Rape is the Preferred Sin

Because we need to learn from the book on which people like to base their moraility.

Lot (Abraham's nephew) was hanging out by the city gate one afternoon when he saw two dudes in sharp clothes walk into town. Lot asked them to hang out his place. The sharp dudes didn’t want to at first, but Lot talked them into it and made them some bread.

Then all the horny guys from town showed up and asked Lot to send out the dudes in sharp clothes for a twisted rape/orgy. Lot wasn't so sure about that so he told the crowd he had two virgin daughters they could rape instead. I guess the daughters were dog ugly ‘cause the crowd still wanted the dudes. When the mob tried to break down Lot’s door they all went blind and couldn’t figure out where the door was. Then the sharp dudes told Lot to get out of town because God was going to melt it. You see God had decided that Lot and his family were really good people who needed to be saved. (God doesn't usually have a problem when a father offers his daughters to a horny mob for an all night gang rape.)

So Lot, his wife and the ugly virgins booked it out of town, but the dumb wife looked to see what a melting city looks like, and the sight made her turn into salt (because God is an asshole that likes to turn people into salt).

God: "Y'all are dumb as a doorknob. You gonna be some f@&%ing salt! Mawhahaha"

After the salt incident Lot and his daughters moved into a cave. The daughters didn’t think this was particularly awesome, so they decided to get pregnant because that always fixes everything. They sorted out a plan to get dad so drunk he didn’t know what was going on, then have sex with him; props to Lot for being able to maintain an erection after passing out drunk.

So the ugly virgins got pregnant on the first try (they must have had ancient ovulation pee sticks), then they got to live in a cave with their dad and two crying kids. See how getting pregnant fixes things?


Ref: Genesis 19:1-36


Note: I image that if ancient authorities received an anonymous tip about incest/child abuse in a cave and went to investigate, Lot would have to come up with a pretty convincing story to keep himself out of jail. I'm sure most of you readers have a pretty good idea of how incestuous child rapists are treated by the other inmates.