Abraham’s Plan for Murder – Yahweh has it in for Isaac

The best part is that Abraham didn’t think it was weird when God told him to kill his son

After years of trying, Abraham and his wife/cousin Sarah finally made a baby. They named him Isaac and he immediately became the favorite child. Sarah was so excited about Isaac. She wanted Isaac to be the uncontested heir of all the family wealth so she convinced Abraham to get rid of his sex slave Hagar and their 14-year-old son Ishmael.

Several years later, Yahweh got really bored one day (more jealous than bored, really) and decided to mess with his good friend Abraham. He showed up at Abraham’s tent and said, “You sent away Ishmael so now you only have one son. I know you love this new son more than anything. That doesn’t work really well for me, so I need you to prove you still like me best by taking Isaac on a little trip and then sacrificing him to me as a burnt offering. You know how I love those.”

I suppose Abraham was at least a little upset by this, even though the bible doesn’t say so, because he waited until the next morning before taking Isaac, two slaves, a donkey, and wood for a fire out for a walk. They walked for three days to get to the place Yahweh wanted Isaac killed; then Abraham stopped and told the slaves to wait with the donkey. He and Isaac then wandered off to be alone. Of course Abraham made Isaac carry the wood.

Isaac was a little confused and asked his father, “I see you have a knife and a torch while I carry the wood for a sacrifice, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham lied to Isaac and said, “The Lord will provide.” Because of the lie I’m sure Isaac was shocked pretty bad when Abraham tied him up and laid him on the wood. He may have even cried out for help, but of course the slaves had been ordered to stay with the donkey.

Abraham picked up the knife and just as he laid it on his son’s neck, Yahweh decided He’d had His fun and sent an angel to stop Abraham from committing filicide. The angel told Abraham he didn’t have to kill his only acknowledged son anymore because he’d demonstrated that he still loved Yahweh more than anything else.

Then, because Yahweh still wanted to feast on blood, fat, and kidneys; He magically provided Abraham with a ram. The ram was substituted for Isaac and Yahweh got his burnt offering. However, Yahweh was going to have to wait a long time before the descendants of Abraham started offering human sacrifices.

Moral: Don’t have a favorite son or God will get all jealous and stuff.

Ref: Genesis 21-22

Isaac and Sibling Love – Is it Actually Naughty?

You just have to accept that people had different ideas about sexual morality in the olden times

This basic story happened with both Isaac and Abraham. In fact it happened to Abraham TWICE! I’ve even told Abraham’s version before. This time however, it’s Abraham’s son, Isaac.

When Isaac was living in Gerar with his wife Rebekah, some of the men started asking about Rebekah. Normal stuff you know, like her virgin status, availability, etc. Now Isaac was a total pussy and was worried his neighbors would kill him and take Rebekah if they knew he was married to her. The obvious answer? Lie. The bible teaches us that the most revered prophets of all time lied their asses off whenever they were concerned for their own safety. That’s right. Isaac followed his father’s example and told everyone Rebekah was his sister.

Apparently everything was going really well until the day Abimelech, king of the Philistines looked out his window and saw Isaac screwing Rebekah’s brains out. Abimelech knew Isaac had been telling everyone he and Rebekah were siblings. The king was concerned and shouted out the window at Isaac, “WTF man? This woman is obviously your wife, why did you say she’s your sister.” Isaac let go of Rebekah’s legs (which then fell back down to the ground) and replied, “Sorry dude, I was scared shitless that if some jerk-face out there figured out we were married he would kill me so he could take my first cousin Rebekah here for himself.”

The king was still pissed. He said, “You moron! If someone decided to have sex with Rebekah one day because he figured she was unattached, our people would have become impure.” The king solved this problem quickly by commanding everyone to be nice to Isaac and Rebekah and do them no harm.

This story is weird. Why did the king automatically assume that just because Isaac and Rebekah were screwing out in their yard (assuming they weren’t just going at it in the street) that they weren’t siblings? It just doesn’t make sense. If we choose to believe the biblical creation account, Adam and Eve’s kids were obviously having a major screw fest and popping out all sorts of babies with interesting relationships. Then, because nobody told them you shouldn’t make babies with your siblings, I’m sure there were 13 and 14 year old girls squeezing out their brother’s babies for generations before there got to be enough cousins to make that seem like a viable option. In fact, moving away from sibling love was probably frowned on because it was different from the way they started.

Isaac’s parents were first cousins, he married his first cousin, his son Jacob married two of his first cousins and Rebekah was furious when their other son Esau DIDN'T marry a first cousin. I mean, how different is sibling love from all that? Many of you have probably heard that if you make babies with your brother or sister they will come out retarded or with the wrong number of limbs. However, this is totally untrue. In both Hawaii and Egypt the royal families only married within themselves with pure pairings between brother and sister for hundreds of years. That’s a LOT of sibling love and nobody had an extra arm coming out of their forehead.

We just have to look at England’s royal family to find marriages between first cousins, second cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews (and the odd 5th cousin) going back 1000 years. Not 100 years mind you, ONE THOUSAND FRIGGIN YEARS! After all that they only earned themselves a tendency toward hemophilia and insanity. I have ADD, my wife has ADD, and we have one daughter with ADD and one without. If my sister had ADD and I made babies with her, our sibling love children would have the same probability of developing ADD as my actual children.

Get over yourself Abimelech. Isaac and Rebekah could easily have been siblings and still been caught screwing outside your window.

Ref: Genesis 16: 6-11

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 3 – Jacob steals the birthright

It’s the way Yahweh wanted it: honest

When Isaac got old enough that he couldn’t see very well anymore he decided it was just about time to die so he called in his favorite son, Chewbacca, and said, “I’m going to die soon, so please go kill a deer and make me some of that savory meat I love so much. Then I’m going to bless you.” Well, Isaac’s wife Rebekah heard this and because she liked Chewy’s twin brother Jacob best she hatched a plan to get him Isaac’s end-of-life blessing.

Rebekah told Jacob to go kill two baby goats and make savory meat the way Isaac liked it so he could get the super awesome magical blessing. Jacob immediately saw a flaw in this plan and said, “I’m all for tricking Dad to get this blessing thing, but I’m pretty sure he’ll notice I’m not Chewy. I mean look at him. He could easily pass for a bantha and I’m smoother than Mark Hamill.” This was no obstacle for Rebekah who replied, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. I’m just going to dress you in Chewy’s clothes and cover your exposed skin in goat pelts.”

After the whole façade had been put together Jacob walked into his dad’s tent and said, “It’s your favorite son, Chewy. I got you the meat just like you wanted so now bless me.” Isaac wasn’t retarded so he immediately suspected something was up and asked, “How did you get this meat so quickly, and why do you sound like Jacob?”

Isaac may not have been retarded but he was definitely gullible. So when Jacob said, “I got the meat so fast because Yahweh helped me get it and you can totally tell I’m Chewy because I feel all hairy. Seriously, check it out,” Isaac believed him. Just to be sure though, Isaac felt Jacob’s arms and hands and smelled his clothes. The hands and arms were hairy and the clothes sure smelled like Chewy’s clothes: good to go.

Isaac ate the meat, washed it down with some wine, and blessed Jacob to always have dew from heaven, the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine. Isaac also blessed Jacob to be master of other nations and the master of his siblings forever.

As soon as the blessing was finished Jacob booked it out of there. Just in time too, because right after Jacob left Isaac’s tent Chewy showed up with his meat and asked for the blessing. Isaac said, “Oh no! I can’t. I already gave it to your brother who tricked me. I blessed him to be your master and have endless wine. There’s nothing left for you.” Then Chewy said, “Augh, I hate that little rat-bastard. First he tricked me out of getting to be in charge of the family after you die, and now he gets to be the boss of me. He even gets all the wine.” Then Isaac felt bad so he gave Chewy a mini blessing to have dew from heaven and to someday not have Jacob be in charge of him anymore.

This wasn’t nearly enough to calm Chewy’s rage. He swore that as soon as their dad died he was going to kill Jacob to get even. When Rebekah heard about this plan she sent Jacob to live with her brother Laban in Haran and told him to not come back until she sent for him. You know, so Chewy could have a few years to cool off.

Ref: Genesis 27

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 2 – Jacob and Esau

Sibling rivalry on a biblical scale

In proper keeping with family tradition, just like Abraham’s cousin/wife, Isaac’s cousin/wife Rebekah was barren (note: if fertility is a problem in your family, stop marrying your cousins). But it was ok because Isaac was a good little boy who prayed to Yahweh. Yahweh then helped Rebekah get pregnant. In fact, Yahweh is so good at the whole pregnancy thing that Rebekah ended up carrying twins. The first one came out as a hairy carpet and looked very much like Chewbacca so for this story we’ll just call him Chewy. The second one was Jacob who came out nice and smooth.

Chewy was a hard worker and spent most of his time hunting. Jacob spent all his time in the tents, having his nails done, his hair styled, and trying on clothes. Their father, Isaac, liked Chewy best because he was a man’s man, provided delicious animals to eat, and was the starting left tackle for four years at Notre Dame. Rebekah liked Jacob best because he looked really sharp and was always game for a late brunch, an afternoon of shopping, or an evening of cupcakes and cocktails.

One evening Jacob was sitting outside with some lentil soup and bread he’d nicked from the kitchen when Chewy came home from a long day of work outside. Chewy hadn’t eaten all day and was super hungry. He said, “Hey girly man, give me that food or I’ll pummel you.” Jacob wasn’t about to be pushed around by a thug like Chewbacca so he said, “You wouldn’t dare. Mom would never feed you again if you laid a finger on me. In fact, if you want this food you’re going to have to promise me that I get to be head of the family after Dad dies.” Chewy knew he’d been outmaneuvered so he said, “Fine. It won’t do me much good if I starve to death. Just give me the food and you can be in charge after dad dies.”

So Chewy ate his newly acquired food and went back to work, having been cleverly outmaneuvered by his sissy little brother.

Ref: Genesis 25: 20-34

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 1 – Isaac and Rebekah get hitched

Yahweh is really good at finding hot virgins

When Abraham got really old he decided that it was time for his son Isaac to get married. However, he didn’t want to see his son with one of those nasty local girls so he called in his senior slave and said, “I need you to put your hand UNDER MY THIGH and promise you won’t find Isaac a wife among the locals. You have to go to my hometown and fetch one of his cousins.” The slave then asked, “What if the woman doesn‘t want to travel all the way back here? Should I go find a girl, then come back here, then take Isaac out to meet her?” Abraham replied, “No! Not just no, but hell no! Yahweh told me this land here is for my descendants. My son stays here!”

So the slave took a bunch of loot and walked from Canaan back to the city of Nahor in Mesopotamia (about 100 miles). When he got there he prayed to Yahweh saying, “God of Abraham. Make it so the woman you want for Isaac offers to get water for my camels so I can tell who it is.” Isaac’s cousin Rebekah immediately showed up and gave water to the slave and the camels. Fortunately Isaac’s cousin was a virgin and pretty.

The slave then went to talk with Rebekah’s parents and told them about his deal with Yahweh regarding the camels. They were very impressed by the story and immediately sold Rebekah to Abraham’s slave. Then Rebekah gathered up her stuff and she and her personal slaves walked back to Canaan to meet Isaac. They got married the day she arrived and moved into Isaac’s mother’s basement. Wait, I mean tent. They moved into Isaac’s mom’s tent.

Ref: Genesis 24