Abraham’s Plan for Murder – Yahweh has it in for Isaac

The best part is that Abraham didn’t think it was weird when God told him to kill his son

After years of trying, Abraham and his wife/cousin Sarah finally made a baby. They named him Isaac and he immediately became the favorite child. Sarah was so excited about Isaac. She wanted Isaac to be the uncontested heir of all the family wealth so she convinced Abraham to get rid of his sex slave Hagar and their 14-year-old son Ishmael.

Several years later, Yahweh got really bored one day (more jealous than bored, really) and decided to mess with his good friend Abraham. He showed up at Abraham’s tent and said, “You sent away Ishmael so now you only have one son. I know you love this new son more than anything. That doesn’t work really well for me, so I need you to prove you still like me best by taking Isaac on a little trip and then sacrificing him to me as a burnt offering. You know how I love those.”

I suppose Abraham was at least a little upset by this, even though the bible doesn’t say so, because he waited until the next morning before taking Isaac, two slaves, a donkey, and wood for a fire out for a walk. They walked for three days to get to the place Yahweh wanted Isaac killed; then Abraham stopped and told the slaves to wait with the donkey. He and Isaac then wandered off to be alone. Of course Abraham made Isaac carry the wood.

Isaac was a little confused and asked his father, “I see you have a knife and a torch while I carry the wood for a sacrifice, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham lied to Isaac and said, “The Lord will provide.” Because of the lie I’m sure Isaac was shocked pretty bad when Abraham tied him up and laid him on the wood. He may have even cried out for help, but of course the slaves had been ordered to stay with the donkey.

Abraham picked up the knife and just as he laid it on his son’s neck, Yahweh decided He’d had His fun and sent an angel to stop Abraham from committing filicide. The angel told Abraham he didn’t have to kill his only acknowledged son anymore because he’d demonstrated that he still loved Yahweh more than anything else.

Then, because Yahweh still wanted to feast on blood, fat, and kidneys; He magically provided Abraham with a ram. The ram was substituted for Isaac and Yahweh got his burnt offering. However, Yahweh was going to have to wait a long time before the descendants of Abraham started offering human sacrifices.

Moral: Don’t have a favorite son or God will get all jealous and stuff.

Ref: Genesis 21-22

Jews vs Arabs – The fight begins

This one is Truly Educational

After Abram (Abraham) sold his wife Sarai to Pharaoh and got kicked out of Egypt he moved back to the land God gave him for his posterity: modern day Israel. For 10 years his wife Sarai (Pharaoh gave her back when he make Abram leave Egypt) tried to get pregnant but it just wasn’t working out.

If you remember, part of the sale price for Sarai was a bunch of Egyptian slaves. Sarai was using one of these slaves as a personal maid and because she felt bad about not being able to get pregnant she gave her slave Hagar to Abraham so they could make babies. Hagar got pregnant pretty easy and this made Sarai MAD. Sarai beat the shit out of Hagar for getting pregnant and Hagar ran away.

Well, this didn’t work for God who wanted his chosen guy to have lots of babies so he sent an angel to sort things out. The angel found Hagar off by herself and told her she had to go back and just let Sarai keep beating her up as long as necessary so she could give Abram the kid. The angel also told her she had to name the kid Ishmael. Hagar was really used to doing what she was told so went back to Sarai and Abram. She eventually had the kid and like a good girl named him Ishmael (It’s important here to remember that God promised the “Holy Land” to Abraham’s posterity).

The next major event is that God comes down and tell Abram that he has to change his name to Abraham and Sarai has to change her name to Sarah. God tells Abraham that his descendents will be the covenant people of God and God will always like them best. Furthermore, from then on all the males have to have their foreskins removed when they are eight days old as their part of the covenant. A long as they keep cutting off their foreskins God will be good to them. If they don’t chop off the foreskin, God won’t like them anymore. God also mentioned that Sarah was going to have a son.

They have this huge circumcision party where all the family and the slaves do their part for God.

This is pretty unbelievable but after the party Abraham moves his people to a new location and Abraham pulls the “Sarah is my sister” trick again and Abimelech the local king marries her. This is just a little odd because by this time Sarah is 90 years old. In any case, after the wedding God has a little chat with Abimelech explaining the situation. Abimelech does some quick talking and gets God to agree to not kill all his people if he gives back Sarah and pays off Abraham. Once again Abraham makes out like a bandit with tons more animals and slaves and God doesn’t kill Abimelech’s people.

Then Sarah actually does have a son and they name him Isaac. Well, now that Sarah has her own son she doesn’t want Hagar’s kid hanging around anymore so she tells Abraham to get rid of her. Abraham isn’t too keen on the idea of getting rid of his son but God tells him it’s ok so he gaves Hagar a bottle of water, a loaf and bread, and sends her off into the desert with her son.

The reason this is SUCH a problem is that God promised Canaan (Israel, Gaza, West Bank) to Abraham’s descendents. Because Abraham sent Hagar and Ishmael away he then had two separate groups of descendents. The Jews are convinced they own the region through Sarah and Isaac. The Arabs are convinced they own the region through Hagar and Ishmael. Because the deed to the land comes from God both groups are unwilling to change their position and are going to just keep on killing each other. Yay. Nice move God.

Secret to bliblical success: 1. get married 2. sell wife 3. have God kill people 4. get wife back 5. repeat steps 2-4

Note:  The more traditional viewpoint of Islam is that they are supposed to share because they are all Abraham's decendants. The more traditional viewpoint of Judeaism is that the Arabs get none of it because Abraham sent away Ishmael. Over time the view of the Islamic world has been shifting toward a more radical solution: genocide.

What's interesting to me is that both groups can't even consider the idea that the biblical account of Abraham's family may not be entirely accurate. In fact, I'm pretty sure the Arabs had no idea they were decended from Ishmael until after Muhammad, about 1400 years ago. Also, there is absolutely zero evidence outside of the biblical and Quranic accounts that any of the Abrahamic tradition is true.

Ref: Genesis 16-17 and Genesis 20-21