Josiah Sacrifices the Pagan Priests – A cumulative tale

Special thanks to “This is the House that Jack Built”

This is the altar that angered the Lord.

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This is Jeroboam that promised death

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

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These are the priests, who love pagan rites,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

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These are the police that captured the priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

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This is Josiah, the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

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This is a priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

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This is the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

These are the bones, hard and white,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is the fire that burned the bones,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is Jehovah, completely sated,

by the fire that burned the bones,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

Ref: 1 Kings 13:1-2 & 2 Kings 23:20-25

1 Kings 13:1-2

1 And, behold, there came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the Lord unto Beth-el: and Jeroboam stood by the altar to burn incense.

 2 And he cried against the altar in the word of the Lord, and said, O altar, altar, thus saith the Lord; Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name; and upon thee shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon thee, and men’s bones shall be burnt upon thee.

2 Kings 23:20-25

20 And he slew all the priests of the high places that were there upon the altars, and burned men’s bones upon them, and returned to Jerusalem.

24 ¶Moreover the workers with familiar spirits, and the wizards, and the images, and the idols, and all the abominations that were spied in the land of Judah and in Jerusalem, did Josiah put away, that he might perform the words of the law which were written in the book that Hilkiah the priest found in the house of the Lord.

 25 And like unto him was there no king before him, that turned to the Lord with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might, according to all the law of Moses; neither after him arose there any like him.

Abraham’s Plan for Murder – Yahweh has it in for Isaac

The best part is that Abraham didn’t think it was weird when God told him to kill his son

After years of trying, Abraham and his wife/cousin Sarah finally made a baby. They named him Isaac and he immediately became the favorite child. Sarah was so excited about Isaac. She wanted Isaac to be the uncontested heir of all the family wealth so she convinced Abraham to get rid of his sex slave Hagar and their 14-year-old son Ishmael.

Several years later, Yahweh got really bored one day (more jealous than bored, really) and decided to mess with his good friend Abraham. He showed up at Abraham’s tent and said, “You sent away Ishmael so now you only have one son. I know you love this new son more than anything. That doesn’t work really well for me, so I need you to prove you still like me best by taking Isaac on a little trip and then sacrificing him to me as a burnt offering. You know how I love those.”

I suppose Abraham was at least a little upset by this, even though the bible doesn’t say so, because he waited until the next morning before taking Isaac, two slaves, a donkey, and wood for a fire out for a walk. They walked for three days to get to the place Yahweh wanted Isaac killed; then Abraham stopped and told the slaves to wait with the donkey. He and Isaac then wandered off to be alone. Of course Abraham made Isaac carry the wood.

Isaac was a little confused and asked his father, “I see you have a knife and a torch while I carry the wood for a sacrifice, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham lied to Isaac and said, “The Lord will provide.” Because of the lie I’m sure Isaac was shocked pretty bad when Abraham tied him up and laid him on the wood. He may have even cried out for help, but of course the slaves had been ordered to stay with the donkey.

Abraham picked up the knife and just as he laid it on his son’s neck, Yahweh decided He’d had His fun and sent an angel to stop Abraham from committing filicide. The angel told Abraham he didn’t have to kill his only acknowledged son anymore because he’d demonstrated that he still loved Yahweh more than anything else.

Then, because Yahweh still wanted to feast on blood, fat, and kidneys; He magically provided Abraham with a ram. The ram was substituted for Isaac and Yahweh got his burnt offering. However, Yahweh was going to have to wait a long time before the descendants of Abraham started offering human sacrifices.

Moral: Don’t have a favorite son or God will get all jealous and stuff.

Ref: Genesis 21-22

Human Sacrifice – I used to think Jehovah only liked smoke and blood from animals

Of course the best human sacrifices are virgin girls

Back when the Israelites were still wiping out their neighbors, Jephthah was made the captain of the combined armies of Israel. When the Ammonites attacked Israel, Jephthah sent messengers to ask why they were invading. The Ammonites responded, “It’s because the children of Israel stole our land when they came up out of Egypt.” Jephthah wasn’t versed well enough in Israeli history to know this was true, so he made up some story about how the Israelis didn’t actually take the Ammonites’ land and the Ammonites needed to back the F**K off.  Of course this message did nothing for the Ammonites so Jephthah moved to make battle.

Being the God-fearing man he was, Jephthah swore an oath to Jehovah that if the children of Israel were victorious against the Ammonites, he would offer whichever person first came out of his house to meet him when he got home as a sacrifice to the Lord. This must have worked because Jehovah helped Jephthah’s armies kill all sorts of Ammonites until the Ammonites didn’t have enough people left to mount an offensive.

When Jephthah got home he was really upset when his daughter was the first person to come out of his house to greet him. Because the daughter isn’t named in the bible, we will call her Autumn. You see, Jephthah really liked Autumn and she was his only offspring. Unfortunately Jephthah couldn’t go back on his promise and once he explained the situation to Autumn she understood that it was the only course of action. You see, she also believed that Jehovah would not have helped the Israelis kill all those Ammonites without the promise of a human sacrifice. This always makes my think of the scene in Dragonslayer where the kings daughter Princess Elspeth went willinging to be sacrificed to the dragon, as a virgin, to protect the townspeople from the dragon's wrath.

A Virgin Sacrifice for a Dragon

Autumn had a single request before she was sacrificed in accordance with Hebrew law. She just wanted to go into the wilderness with her friends so they could cry for two months because she was going to die a virgin. This made a lot of sense to Jephthah because he, like most men, believed that all females are eager for sex and can’t live properly without it.

Autumn bewailing her virginity

Two months later, Autumn came back home like she promised. Then she was sacrificed. For those that don’t know, this means a priest grabbed Autumn by the head and killed her in front of a crowd. Then the priest sprinkled her blood on an altar. Finally, Autumn’s fat and kidneys were removed and burned on the altar. This constitutes an “offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the Lord.”

Moral: the Lord doesn’t always stop a parent from sacrificing their child.

Ref: Judges 11:29-39 & Leviticus 3:1-6

Note: when I tell biblical stories this horrific, I always have a hard time typing by the end because I get upset. Also, when I started writing this I planned to focus on the whole “bewailing virginity” thing because it's funny, but by the time I got there; I just didn’t have it in me.