Fallen Angels – Heavenly Porn Stars

 It’s fun to learn about angels.

Today we are going to have to skip around the bible a bit to bring these angel-related pieces together, but I think they are very important.

Angels often show up in the bible. Sometimes they are assholes that kill people (like in Isaiah 37 or Genesis 11), sometimes they are guards (like when they were guarding Jesus’ tomb), and occasionally they serve as messengers. A huge number of angels, however, don’t do what God wants. The “good angels” that do the will of the almighty are either incredibly boring (guard duty and messenger duty) or depicted as mindless machines of death. I figure these death angels must be mindless or the one that killed all those firstborn in Egypt wouldn’t have needed lamb blood to let it know which houses to skip. These types of angels are lame.

The interesting angels are the ones that God can’t control. These poor guys are destined for “everlasting chains under darkness until the judgment of the great day” (Jude 1:6). And what does Jude say these angels did? It’s simple really. They “[gave] themselves over to fornication, and [went] after strange flesh” (Jude 1:7). That’s right, they were horny. We’ll learn more about these angels in a minute from Genesis but first we need to learn just how many non-boring angels there were.

This bit is from the Book of Revelation. Because said book is terribly incoherent most of the time, I’m going to paraphrase and restate all this stuff: Lucifer used to live in heaven and was one of the most important angels. He got into a fight with God one day. Now, you have to understand that God was more of a lover than a fighter so he ran straight to the Michael the Archangel (archangel means “high ranking angel”). Michael and his posse were able to beat down Lucifer and his followers and cast them down to Earth (where apparently everything sucks). This group of losing angels was huge. It ended up being one third of the entire host of heaven. (Revelation 12)

Michael and the Dragon

Wait a minute though! Jude didn’t say the angels were going to be chained up in darkness because they were cast out of heaven. No! He said it was because they were fornicators who were always chasing pussy. Now, where do you think he got that idea?

Easy; he learned it from Genesis 6:1-4. You see, by the time Genesis Chapter 6 rolled around, there were lots of hotties on the planet, and it didn’t take the “earth bound” angels long to notice. I imaging fallen angels spend a lot of time watching the living; you know, in the marketplace, the bedroom, the locker room, and the shower. Anyway, these angels started picking out the hottest women and making babies with them. Angel sperm is WAY tougher than human sperm so these babies were all born extra large. If Genesis 6:4 is to be believed, they were all male too. These extra large babies grew up into extra large men, “mighty men which were of old, men of renown.”

I reckon this wasn’t such a big deal in “Genesis” times back when people were freer with their sexuality. However, by the time the “New Testament” rolled around, most everyone had decided that sex was “naughty” and could only be experienced under limited circumstances. When Jude read about all the “fallen angel” sex he quickly passed judgment on them and declared that for all the sex, they were definitely bound by “everlasting chains under darkness until the judgment of the great day.”

What a prude!

Paul and headscarves – working tireless to save us from God

I once read a theory that the Neanderthals were Nephilim because they no longer exist and they were bigger than the Homo Sapiens.

When the artist formerly known as Saul (Paul) was writing to the saints living in Corinth he gave one of his most important instructions. He said to make sure the women keep their heads covered because of the angels. You see, he knew all about the sordid past between God’s angels and the daughters of men.

Back before the flood women used to run around with their heads uncovered, and the angels were able to see how beautiful they were. Many of these angels chose to fall from heaven and live among these women. They had sex with them and made great big babies. In fact, I suspect the artist formerly known as Saul may have been on the writing staff for the 1998 movie City of Angels. In this film we learn Nicholas Cage was working as an Angel for Jehovah when he noticed Meg Ryan. Meg didn’t follow the instruction from the artist formerly known as Saul to keep her head covered and Nick fell from heaven to be able to partake of her hotness. Luckily for us, Meg Ryan died before they could make a baby.

It’s the babies that are the problem. They are known as the Nephilim: fallen ones of both heaven and earth. They are big, strong, and mean. In Noah’s time there got to be so many Nephilim that Jehovah couldn’t think of any way to get rid of them other than flooding the Earth, so God had Noah build an arc and you know the rest (if not, Google Noah and the Arc).

So any time you think it’s old fashioned to keep your women covered, or a violation of their rights; remember what the artist formerly known as Saul taught us. If angels can see the women’s faces, they will fall from heaven to make babies with them and Jehovah will be forced to flood the earth again to kill all the Nephilim.

And I say these things in the name of cheese and rice, amen!

Ref: 1 Corinthians 10:11 and Genesis 6:2-4