Noah gets Wasted – Never, ever, under any circumstances should you make fun of your dad

Watch me seamlessly transition between past and present tense

So back in the olden days people lived a really long time, like hundreds of years. This seems to lead to sin because you must get really bored of going to church after a few hundred years. In any case, everyone in the whole world was sinning (drinking coffee probably) but good old Noah. So God tells Noah to build a really big boat and put two of every kind of unclean animal and six of every kind of clean animal (i.e. delicious) in there so they can eat them while God is busy committing genocide through drowning and still have enough left over to repopulate the planet.

 

Noah builds the boat, puts the animals in, then he and his family live in there floating around while God floods the earth. No seriously, this works because you see back then all the land was in one place, and after the land split apart the animals evolved a little. That’s why every continent has some kind of large flightless bird: ostrich, emu, penguin, elephant bird, dodo, etc. This way Noah only had to take one kind of cat, which then evolved into all the different kinds we have now. Seriously; don’t laugh.

 

World Map of Endangered Species
http://animals.desktopnexus.com

 

After the flood, one of the first orders of business is to plant a vineyard and make wine. Because all the bowling alleys and golf courses were destroyed in the flood there wasn’t much for an older guy like Noah to do besides sit at home and get wasted. One day when he was passed out drunk on his tent floor naked his son Ham saw him in there and ran to tell his brothers Shem and Japheth about their father’s condition. Well, Shem and Japheth didn’t think this was very funny, so they very carefully went into the tent and without looking at their father, covered him with a blanket.

 

 

When Noah woke up he somehow realized that Ham had disrespected him so he cursed the descendents of Ham to forever be the servants of Shem and Japheth. Several thousand years later, through the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith, God let everyone know that Black people are Ham’s descendants so it’s was proper for black people to be the slaves of the white. Good thing God was able to sort that out so slave owners would know black slavery was the will of God.

Ref: Genesis 9:18-28

David vs. Goliath – With God, all things are possible

Putting well-known stories in their proper context

So Israel and the Philistines had this long-standing agreement. In battle the Philistines would beat the hell out of the Israelites for a long time, then every once in a while God would help out a little and the Israelites would briefly have the upper hand.

One day the Philistines and Israelites lined up on opposite sides of a valley Braveheart style and started making noise at each other. Then this early version of André the Giant came out of the Philistine crowd wearing an M1A2 Abrams (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M1_Abrams) worth of armor and told the Israelis that instead of a regular fight this time, they were going to have a one-on-one arena style conflict to decide everything. Apparently the Israelis were morons because they didn’t just mass rush the Philistines and at the same time decided they could never find anyone cool enough to take on the armored monster. Apparently the Israeli people didn’t know about Hulk Hogan.

As luck would have it there was this boy named David who’s regular job was to sing to the Israeli king, but had been sent home to take care of his father’s sheep on account of the war. After André the Giant had been challenging the Israelis to provide him a fight every day for some time, David’s dad gave him some bread and cheese and told him to take the bread to his brothers in the army and give the cheese to their boss (probably to get them light duty or something).

When David showed up he learned about the whole mess with André the Giant and freaked out because the Israelis were being such pussies and tried to run right out and beat the shit out of André. The Israelis stoped him and took him to the King (David’s boss). David convinced the King he was up to the task because one time a bear stole a lamb from his flock and he grabbed that bear by the chin and punched it in the head until it died.

So David picked up a couple of little rocks, put on a black mask, and went out the meet André the Giant in the field. I wasn’t there so I don’t actually know how things went down, but I imagine it went something like this:

The Man In Black approaches the boulders, then slows to a walk. A rock explodes against a boulder just in front of him, he draws his sword. Fezzik emerges, holding another rock.
Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.
Man In Black: I believe you. Pause. So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as God intended... sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Man In Black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: Raising rock. I could kill you now.
Man In Black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. He sets down his sword.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. Tosses rock away. The Man In Black charges Fezzik twice, to no effect, grunting with the impact.
Man In Black: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die feeling bad. The Man In Black dodges Fezzik and rolls away.
Fezzik: You're quick.
Man In Black: And a good thing, too.
Fezzik: Why are you wearing a mask? Fezzik swipes at him. Were you burned by acid or something like that? Swipe.
Man In Black: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future. Swipe. The man in black jumps on Fezzik's back.
Fezzik: I just figured why you give me so much trouble. Smashes man in black against a rock, he groans.
Man In Black: Why's that, do you think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. Been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing. Smashes into another rock.
Man In Black: Why should that make such a... Fezzik backs the Man in Black into a boulder, knocking his breath out. Difference?
Fezzik: Slowing down. Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried... about ... one.

Then, because this was taking a long time, David Jumped off André the Giant’s back and threw one of the little rocks at his head. 

Modern "sling shot" version of David's sling.

 

Obviously a small rock to the head is always fatal, so André fell to the ground dead. Then just to be sure David picked up André’s sword and used it to separate the giant’s head from his neck, proving once again that if you can punch a bear to death, you can kill a professional wrestler with a rock (and a giant sword).

Note: Dialogue from the Rob Reiner film "The Princess Bride" taken from http://princessbride.8m.com/script.htm

Ref: 1 Samuel 17

 

 

Jesus’ bad temper – Too bad we can’t force God into anger management

Half the Hyperbole, Twice the Fun (or is it the other way around?)

So, Jesus and his posse are returning to Jerusalem after a visit to Bethany (the bible isn’t clear if Bethany is a city or the name of a prostitute). Jesus is getting pretty hungry and when he sees a fig tree in the distance he gets excited and rushes over to get some free food. Of course, it was still too early in the year for figs, so there was nothing on the tree but leaves. Well, this doesn’t sit well with the Son of Man, so he goes all sour-grapes and decided that if he can’t get fruit from the tree, then no one else will either. He curses the tree and by the next day it withers and dies.

The Fig Tree after Jesus was done with it

 
After Mr. “God Made Flesh” gets to Jerusalem he heads over to the temple and notices that people are selling animals for sacrifice. Now for a little background information: according to the Old Testament any time you sin or are thankful for something you have to make a burnt offering. Not everyone had access to live animals through their normal jobs, so they had to buy them from someone else. It’s kinda like buying gas so you can drive yourself to confession.

Well, Jesus doesn’t like all this buying and selling going on in the temple courtyard so he finds a way to express his rage, pulls a major Bruce Banner -> Incredible Hulk transformation, and starts to Hunk-Smash® everything. He throws over all the tables, grabs all coin boxes and dumps them out, and drives out all the vendors and animals with a whip. This teaches the bible reader that it’s not OK to provide a necessary service to temple-goers if money changes hands (like renting temple clothes or buying food at the cafeteria, hint, hint Mormons), but it’s ok the commit acts of senseless violence.

Later some busy-body chief priests, scribes (attorneys), and respected elders have the gall to ask the Son of God what gives him the right to be such as asshole; killing trees for not fruiting out of season and assaulting temple-workers and shit. Jesus (now back in Bruce Banner mode) retorts by asking why John the Baptist gets to baptize people. This really freaks out the busy-bodies who think Jesus must be trying to trick them and they say, “We cannot tell.” So Jesus tells them he’s not gonna say either.

Ref: Mark 11 and Matthew 21

Elisha and the mean kids from Bethel - Proving that God is the most badass of badasses

This one is more like a Sunday School lesson than normal

Elijah was this super badass Old Testament prophet. He worked in Israel in a time when most of the Hebrews had stopped worshiping Jehovah and were chillin’ with the Phoenician gods instead. He did cool stuff like making the calling down fire from heaven (flame strike, anyone? http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/SRD:Flame_Strike) and making the rain stop for three and a half years to prove how much cooler Jehovah was than some dumb Phoenician god, that can’t kill people with fire from heaven or cause a draught that kills tons of unbelievers. The Mormon prophet Joseph Smith made sure the Mormons would forever think Elijah was cool by teaching that he was the last prophet to hold the Melchizedek priesthood before the time of Jesus Christ. He and Moses (also a murderer) gave the Melchizedek priesthood to Peter, James, and John, and then later to Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery (another early Mormon leader).

After Elijah got old he went for a walk with his buddy Elisha. He turned over the mantle of prophet-hood to Elisha and climbed into a burning chariot that rode up a whirlwind into heaven. You know, like you do. In fact, I’m a little surprised that Joseph Smith didn’t ride a flaming chariot into heaven before they shot him. This whole flaming chariot thing reminds me of Helios a little http://www.theoi.com/Titan/Helios.html. It’s a good thing we know the OT is factual or I might be tempted to think they were just borrowing stuff from other mythologies.

Anyway, after Elisha became the new prophet he showed off a little by parting a river so he could walk across on dry land and throwing salt into a dried-up spring to make the water flow again. Then one day he was out walking and a bunch of kids saw him. They got really excited by how funny he looked and literally dozens of them ran out of their city (Bethel) to make fun of him for being bald. They said mean, hurtful things like “go up, thou bald head” and stuff. Well, Elisha wasn’t going to let people make fun of the prophet so he called upon the almighty and cursed those kids. Then two bears ran out of the woods and ripped 42 of the kids into pieces.

Elisha is also famous for telling the Israelites to cut down all the trees in Moab. That will teach those damn trees to mess with Israel.

Ref: 2 Kings 2:23-25

King David’s Kids – And I thought my family was weird

Sharing Our Cultural Heritage

So King David (that guy that killed Goliath by throwing a rock at him) ended up super rich and had like hundreds of wives, so I guess statistically this was bound to happen sooner or later.

David’s son Amnon was hot for sister. Now, Amnon figured he couldn’t get himself a piece of that action because sister (Tamar) was a virgin which apparently made her off limits. Amnon was so hard up he stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. Fortunately Amnon had a much more pragmatic friend who sorted out a solution. He told Amnon to pull a Ferris Bueller and pretend to be sick, then when daddy came by to check on him he could ask to have Tamar come up to his room and make him dinner so he could get her alone.

So, Tamar went to Amnon's room and made dinner for her brother, who still wouldn’t eat. Instead he made all the servants and guards clear the room and asked Tamar to hand deliver the food. When Tamar reached out to Amnon with the food, he grabed her and explained about all the sex they were going to have. Naturally Tamar freaked out and told her brother that if he wanted her that bad he should ask their dad to let them get married. This didn’t work for Amnon who just raped her instead.

After the rape Amnon decided he didn’t like Tamar anymore and told her to get out. Tamar got even more upset and explained that raping her and then NOT marrying her is WORSE than just raping her. Amnon, having got what he wanted and apparently not liking it that much, didn’t care and had his servant force Tamar out of the room and lock the door behind her.

Tamar’s brother Absalom found her crying and figured out Amnon raped her. Absalom told Tamar not to worry about it too much ‘cause it was just her brother. Tamar moved into Absalom’s house and became a spinster.

Two years later Absalom sorted out a plan to get Amnon to help take care of the sheep for a little while. While Amnon was in the fields, Absalom had his servants kill Amnon for raping his sister. Absalom immediately fled the country because he was afraid his dad would have him killed for taking out Amnon. He stayed away for three years until one of his buddies helped him patch things up with his dad.

Things were good between Absalom and his dad for a while, until Absalom led a rebellion against his father, chased him out of Jerusalem and had sex with all his dad’s concubines (because what biblical character isn’t trying to get it on with his dad’s wives). They kept the war going though, and one day after a particularly bad battle Absalom was riding his mule under an oak tree and got his head caught in the branches where he was left dangling. One of David’s servants found Absalom dangling there and stabbed him in the heart. When David found out he got all sad and cried because his son (and rapist of his wives) was dead.

Ref: 2 Samuel 13-18

The Story of Dinah – A Severe Double Standard

Sensationalism at its finest

So this guy named Jacob - later changed to Israel (remember, the guy that stole the birthright from Esau) had a daughter named Dinah. One day Dinah went out by herself to visit some friends. While she was walking through the countryside some dumb rich kid named Shechem saw her, noted her hot body, and dragged her off to his place and raped her. Apparently she was better than previous rape victims, so he decided to “love” her and “spake kindly unto [her].” Then our rapist friend goes and talks to his rich daddy and tells him to secure a marriage.

Meanwhile, Jacob/Israel finds out about the abduction and rape, and tells his sons (remember polygamists can have LOTS of sons). They get pretty upset so when the big money daddy drops by to offer tons of cash as a payoff so Dinah can marry the rapist, the sons of David decide to get even. They tell big money daddy they can’t let Dinah marry an uncircumcised man, but if ALL rich money daddy’s people get circumcised, “Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.”

Rapist and big money daddy like this plan so they head back to their city where they force all the men to join the ranks of the circumcised. Now, I wasn’t circumcised as an adult, so I don’t know if this is realistic (I figure it isn’t), but apparently having your foreskin cut off completely incapacitates you. While all big money daddy’s people are unable to function, the sons of David/Israel show up and kill every single man in the city. They free Dinah from her rapist’s house, then take all the valuables, animals (sheep, cows, donkeys), small children, and women back to their city (who know, like you do – kill a woman’s husband then take her as wife number 8. Nothing weird about that, right?).

Jacob/Israel gets pretty upset when he finds out about the massacre and looting because he figures the neighboring cities will want to even the score, so they all pack up and flee the country. This works out ok because God makes the other groups in the area afraid, so they don’t chase and kill his “chosen” people.

Ref: Genesis 34:1-30

Moses’ Wife Saves the Day – Even God doesn’t let angry women with sharp rocks near his junk

I'm Extracting the Gems

So Moses is living as a shepherd in Midean, and one day God shows up and tells Moses he has to get over to Egypt and convince Pharaoh to let the Israelites move away. Moses isn’t cool with this at first because he is convinced that Pharaoh is WAY tougher than God; also, Moses is on the run from the Egyptian police who are after him on charges of aggravated assault and homicide.

God spends some time convincing Moses that He is actually tougher than Pharaoh and reassures Moses than due to an unusually high turnover rate in the Egyptian police department, nobody works there anymore that remembers Moses’ criminal past. So Moses goes and asks his father-in-law (Jethro) permission to head over to Egypt so he can do what the magic voice tells him.

Jethro says it’s ok, so Moses takes his wife (Zipporah) and son and they head off toward Egypt. On the way they stop at an inn and for some reason that I don’t understand, God meets Moses at the inn and tries to kill him. Zipporah notices that God is trying to kill Moses, so she grabs a sharp rock and cuts the foreskin off her son’s penis (like you do when God tries to kill your husband). Zipporah throws the foreskin on the ground by Moses’ feet and says, “Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.”

God is pretty busy trying to kill Moses but he still manages to notice there is a genital mutilation party going down in the inn, and books it straight out of there before Zipporah gets any more ideas. Once God is safely out of the picture, Zipporah apologizes to Moses for calling him a bloody husband and explains it was because she had to use a rock to cut up her son’s penis.

Hurray for Zipporah who managed to stop God from killing her husband so he was still able to do God’s chores.

Ref: Exodus 4:1-26

The Levite and His Concubine - Sometimes it's just too late to say you're sorry

It's like Bible Study with a smaller time commitment

So this Levite (member of tribe of Levi) had this hot young concubine. But she wasn't fond of the guy (who was probably beating her) so she took off and went back to her dad's place to hide out (according to the bible this makes her a whore). After four months our good Levite friend bought a dozen roses and a box of chocolates and took a trip to the dad's place. He got there, told the girl he was sorry and he just wasn't himself that night he beat her, and would never hit her again.

So concubine forgives the douchbag and they hang out at her dad's place for a few days. Then dad and concubine keep tricking douchbag into staying longer, but finally douchbag gets sick of it and leaves for home in the middle of the afternoon. They can't finish the trip in just a few hours so they get a room in the town if Gibeah which was under the management of the tribe of benjamin. Naturally a mob formed to try to rape douchbag (as tends to happen in the bible), but the owner of the B&B told the mob to take his virgin daughter and the concubine instead. So the mob took the concubine (but not the daughter) and gang raped her until morning, when she was able to crawl back to the door of the B&B before dying.

Douchbag wakes up in the morning, figures out what happened and takes his dead concubine back to his house where he chops her up into pieces and sends them out the leadership of the 12 tribes of Isreal. So they had a war conference and decided to kill everyone from the tribe of Benjamin. They attacked and killed all the men (600 of them escaped into the winderness) and all the cattle. They burned down all the buildings. Then they killed all the women and children.

After the war someone figured out that nobody from Jabesh-Gilead helped wipe out the Tribe of Benjamin, so the Israelites went and destroyed that city too, killing everyone but the virgin women which they could take home with them for later use.

After the tribe of Benajmin was nearly obliderated because the Levite douchbag's concubine was raped to death, the the old israelites got together and decided it was bad kharma to commit genocide against their relatives. To fix things they decided the Benjaminites needed wives. This was going to be tricky because they Benjaminite women had all been put to the sword and they didn't want them to hook up with any Israeli women.

It was eventually decided that the surviving Bejaminites should kidnap a bunch of women from a neighboring country. They did this and moved back to their burned out cities and fixed them up. Yay!




The artist says the woman in the middle is duct taped to a donkey and is not screaming like the
other two because her mouth is also duct taped. This seems highly accurate to me. I mean,
why carry the woman you are kidnapping when you can just strap her to a donkey?


Ref: Judges chapters 19, 20, and 21

Lot and His Family - Incestuous Rape is the Preferred Sin

Because we need to learn from the book on which people like to base their moraility.

Lot (Abraham's nephew) was hanging out by the city gate one afternoon when he saw two dudes in sharp clothes walk into town. Lot asked them to hang out his place. The sharp dudes didn’t want to at first, but Lot talked them into it and made them some bread.

Then all the horny guys from town showed up and asked Lot to send out the dudes in sharp clothes for a twisted rape/orgy. Lot wasn't so sure about that so he told the crowd he had two virgin daughters they could rape instead. I guess the daughters were dog ugly ‘cause the crowd still wanted the dudes. When the mob tried to break down Lot’s door they all went blind and couldn’t figure out where the door was. Then the sharp dudes told Lot to get out of town because God was going to melt it. You see God had decided that Lot and his family were really good people who needed to be saved. (God doesn't usually have a problem when a father offers his daughters to a horny mob for an all night gang rape.)

So Lot, his wife and the ugly virgins booked it out of town, but the dumb wife looked to see what a melting city looks like, and the sight made her turn into salt (because God is an asshole that likes to turn people into salt).

God: "Y'all are dumb as a doorknob. You gonna be some f@&%ing salt! Mawhahaha"

After the salt incident Lot and his daughters moved into a cave. The daughters didn’t think this was particularly awesome, so they decided to get pregnant because that always fixes everything. They sorted out a plan to get dad so drunk he didn’t know what was going on, then have sex with him; props to Lot for being able to maintain an erection after passing out drunk.

So the ugly virgins got pregnant on the first try (they must have had ancient ovulation pee sticks), then they got to live in a cave with their dad and two crying kids. See how getting pregnant fixes things?


Ref: Genesis 19:1-36


Note: I image that if ancient authorities received an anonymous tip about incest/child abuse in a cave and went to investigate, Lot would have to come up with a pretty convincing story to keep himself out of jail. I'm sure most of you readers have a pretty good idea of how incestuous child rapists are treated by the other inmates.