King David’s Kids – And I thought my family was weird

Sharing Our Cultural Heritage

So King David (that guy that killed Goliath by throwing a rock at him) ended up super rich and had like hundreds of wives, so I guess statistically this was bound to happen sooner or later.

David’s son Amnon was hot for sister. Now, Amnon figured he couldn’t get himself a piece of that action because sister (Tamar) was a virgin which apparently made her off limits. Amnon was so hard up he stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. Fortunately Amnon had a much more pragmatic friend who sorted out a solution. He told Amnon to pull a Ferris Bueller and pretend to be sick, then when daddy came by to check on him he could ask to have Tamar come up to his room and make him dinner so he could get her alone.

So, Tamar went to Amnon's room and made dinner for her brother, who still wouldn’t eat. Instead he made all the servants and guards clear the room and asked Tamar to hand deliver the food. When Tamar reached out to Amnon with the food, he grabed her and explained about all the sex they were going to have. Naturally Tamar freaked out and told her brother that if he wanted her that bad he should ask their dad to let them get married. This didn’t work for Amnon who just raped her instead.

After the rape Amnon decided he didn’t like Tamar anymore and told her to get out. Tamar got even more upset and explained that raping her and then NOT marrying her is WORSE than just raping her. Amnon, having got what he wanted and apparently not liking it that much, didn’t care and had his servant force Tamar out of the room and lock the door behind her.

Tamar’s brother Absalom found her crying and figured out Amnon raped her. Absalom told Tamar not to worry about it too much ‘cause it was just her brother. Tamar moved into Absalom’s house and became a spinster.

Two years later Absalom sorted out a plan to get Amnon to help take care of the sheep for a little while. While Amnon was in the fields, Absalom had his servants kill Amnon for raping his sister. Absalom immediately fled the country because he was afraid his dad would have him killed for taking out Amnon. He stayed away for three years until one of his buddies helped him patch things up with his dad.

Things were good between Absalom and his dad for a while, until Absalom led a rebellion against his father, chased him out of Jerusalem and had sex with all his dad’s concubines (because what biblical character isn’t trying to get it on with his dad’s wives). They kept the war going though, and one day after a particularly bad battle Absalom was riding his mule under an oak tree and got his head caught in the branches where he was left dangling. One of David’s servants found Absalom dangling there and stabbed him in the heart. When David found out he got all sad and cried because his son (and rapist of his wives) was dead.

Ref: 2 Samuel 13-18