Noah gets Wasted – Never, ever, under any circumstances should you make fun of your dad

Watch me seamlessly transition between past and present tense

So back in the olden days people lived a really long time, like hundreds of years. This seems to lead to sin because you must get really bored of going to church after a few hundred years. In any case, everyone in the whole world was sinning (drinking coffee probably) but good old Noah. So God tells Noah to build a really big boat and put two of every kind of unclean animal and six of every kind of clean animal (i.e. delicious) in there so they can eat them while God is busy committing genocide through drowning and still have enough left over to repopulate the planet.

 

Noah builds the boat, puts the animals in, then he and his family live in there floating around while God floods the earth. No seriously, this works because you see back then all the land was in one place, and after the land split apart the animals evolved a little. That’s why every continent has some kind of large flightless bird: ostrich, emu, penguin, elephant bird, dodo, etc. This way Noah only had to take one kind of cat, which then evolved into all the different kinds we have now. Seriously; don’t laugh.

 

World Map of Endangered Species
http://animals.desktopnexus.com

 

After the flood, one of the first orders of business is to plant a vineyard and make wine. Because all the bowling alleys and golf courses were destroyed in the flood there wasn’t much for an older guy like Noah to do besides sit at home and get wasted. One day when he was passed out drunk on his tent floor naked his son Ham saw him in there and ran to tell his brothers Shem and Japheth about their father’s condition. Well, Shem and Japheth didn’t think this was very funny, so they very carefully went into the tent and without looking at their father, covered him with a blanket.

 

 

When Noah woke up he somehow realized that Ham had disrespected him so he cursed the descendents of Ham to forever be the servants of Shem and Japheth. Several thousand years later, through the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith, God let everyone know that Black people are Ham’s descendants so it’s was proper for black people to be the slaves of the white. Good thing God was able to sort that out so slave owners would know black slavery was the will of God.

Ref: Genesis 9:18-28