The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 7 – Jacob gets ready to meet Esau again

Jacob is an awesome wrestler

When Jacob got close to home he sent some messengers to let Chewbacca know he was coming. He told the messengers to tell Chewy he had been living with their cousin/uncle Laban and now had a large collection of oxen, asses, flocks, boy slaves, and girl slaves. Also: he wanted Chewy to like him.

The messengers returned and told Jacob that Chewy was coming to meet him with a company of 400 men. Jacob was pretty prudent so he divided his company into two groups with the idea that it Chewy decided to destroy one of the groups the other could get away. Then he took about five hundred of his farm animals and divided them into several groups. He told his servants to take the groups of animals to Chewy separately and each time to tell him they were presents from Jacob who was coming along behind.

This night things got a little weird. After the gifts had been sent off toward Chewy, Jacob took his two wives, his two baby-making slaves, and his 11 sons and sent them across the steam so he was alone. As soon as the women and children were out of sight a strange man attached Jacob and they wrestled through the entire night. When dawn came, the strange man told Jacob to let him go because the sun was going to come up. Then the strange man revealed that he was, in fact, Yahweh. Yahweh told Jacob he needed to change his name to Israel because he was a good enough wrestler to beat God (weird, I know).

When the sun came up Jacob/Israel saw Chewy coming with his small army. He asked the women and children to walk behind him and approached Chewy fearing for his life. However, when Chewy got close he ran to meet Jacob/Israel, hugged him, kissed him, and wept with joy. Chewy asked who the women and children were and Jacob/Israel explained they were his family. The women and children all bowed to Chewy. Then Chewy tried to give back the animals but Jacob/Israel wouldn’t take them and said he was just happy to have Chewy like him.

And they all lived happily ever after (for a little while).

Ref: Genesis 32-33

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 6 – Rachel is a very naughty girl

Always make sure your favorite wife isn’t a criminal before describing the terms of punishment

After Jacob decided to leave Laban to head home with his wives, livestock, slaves, and other riches his favorite wife Rachel snuck into her father’s tent and stole his collection of images. These images were the little pagan gods Laban worshiped and Rachel was nervous about leaving home without them.

As soon as Laban figured out that Jacob had taken off with his daughters and grandchildren he gathered up his “brethren” (whatever that means) and chased down Jacob. The night before he caught Jacob Yahweh showed up and told Laban to “Take heed that speak not to Jacob either good or bad.” Laban didn’t have his pagan gods with him (because that bitch Rachel stole them) so he decided to keep Yahweh’s instruction in mind when he caught up with Jacob.

“You jerk,” Laban blurted out as soon as he got close to Jacob. “How dare you take away my daughters like a bandit that comes in the night? You were very foolish to take away my opportunity to throw a going away party and to kiss my grandchildren farewell. Now, I would be kicking your ass right now if Yahweh hadn’t told me to behave myself. As it is, I understand you want to go home after all these years working for me. I just need to know: Why the hell did you steal my gods?”

Jacob responded, “I snuck away because I was afraid you would take your daughters from me by force. As for the gods, I didn’t take them, but I will help you look for them and we will kill whoever has them.” They searched through the camp, but Rachel was very clever and hid the gods under her camel’s saddle and sat upon it. Then when her dad came into the tent she said, “I’m sorry I don’t stand up to greet you, but I’m on the rag right now, so what can you do, right?”

Due to that lying bitch Rachel’s cleverness Laban didn’t find his gods and Jacob got upset and yelled at Laban for harassing them after he’d worked for him the past 20 years to earn the daughters and the cattle. Laban felt a little badly about the situation then so he said, “You know, all these people; they come from me. They are either my daughters or grandchildren. The animals also come from me. How then could I ever do anything to harm any of them? Let us make a promise now to never try to kill each other.

So they held this big ceremonial promise thing involving a big pile of rocks and Laban went home. Rachel kept those gods though, the crafty bitch.

Ref: Genesis 31:19-55

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 5 – Jacob works for his uncle/cousin/father-in-law a bunch more

Yahweh takes a hand at genetic engineering

Now Rachel was pretty mad that Leah kept having kids and she didn’t. Of course she didn’t realize that the arrival of pubic hair and breasts are usually seen as a prerequisite. To deal with the situation Rachel gave one of her slaves to Jacob to make babies. This slave had two sons, Dan and Naphtali, which Rachel claimed as her own. Not to be outdone Leah gave her slave to Jacob and she had two sons, Gad and Asher. Then one day Rachel noticed Leah’s son Reuben had found a bunch of mandrakes. Rachel told Leah to give her the mandrakes. Leah didn’t want to and said, “What the hell? It’s bad enough that you stole my husband, but now you want my son’s mandrakes? No way bitch!” Rachel was a clever girl and usually knew how to get her way. She said, “Look, if you give me the mandrakes I’ll make sure Jacob has sex with you tonight.” Leah was really hard up so she agreed and Jacob started having sex with her again. She had two more sons, Issachar and Zebulun, and a daughter, Dinah.

FINALLY enough time passed that Rachel hit puberty. She was then able to get pregnant and had a son which she named Joseph of the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

After Joseph was born Jacob went and asked Laban, his cousin/uncle/father-in-law, permission to take his wives and children and go back home. Laban didn’t like that idea very much. He said that Yahweh was clearly helping him out because Jacob was there and invited Jacob to stay and work longer. He just had to name his price. Jacob agreed to stay in exchange for all the speckled and spotted cows and goats and the brown sheep. This sounded ok to Laban, but he didn’t count on Jacob and Yahweh being such sneaky bastards. You see, every time the strong non-speckled/brown animals would get together to make babies Jacob set some striped sticks in the ground in front of them. All the animals that conceived while looking at the sticks had brown or speckled babies which then belonged to Jacob. He let the weak animals conceived naturally so Laban only got the inferior offspring.

After a while Laban figured out something was fishy about the arrangement with Jacob and he stopped being such a fan of having Jacob work for him. Yahweh noticed and told Jacob it was time to take all his stuff and move back home. Jacob had a family meeting and asked his wives what they thought. Leah said, “Screw that old bastard. He sold me to some jerk that doesn’t even like me.” And Rachel said, “Yeah. He sold me too; way before I was old enough to make babies. That was really bad for my self-esteem. Screw that bastard. We’re both going with you and our kids.”

Ref: Genesis 30:1 - 31:18

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 4 – Jacob meets his cousin Rachel and starts to work for his uncle

Some cousins are more expensive than others

As soon as Jacob arrived in Haran he met Rachel. He was so impressed by her very young body that he got water from the well for her sheep, kissed her and told her they were very closely related. Rachel went and told her dad Laban that his sister’s son had come to visit. After Jacob had been living with Laban for a month Laban said, “You know, it’s just not proper for you to work for me for free. Tell me what I should give you for pay.” This was an easy answer for Jacob who had been hot for cousin since he first saw Rachel. He said, “I will work for you for seven years in exchange for your daughter Rachel.” Laban liked this deal because he figured it was better than just selling Rachel to someone not so closely related.

After seven short years the happy day of the wedding arrived. Laban threw a huge party and married Rachel’s older sister Leah to Jacob. At the end of the evening Jacob took Leah back to his tent for some conjugal bliss. The next morning when Jacob woke up he noticed that this woman in his bed was not Rachel, NOT RACHEL. The dumb bastard didn’t notice he was fucking the wrong sister!

Naturally Jacob was super upset so he stormed over to his cousin(through his dad)/uncle(through his mom)/father-in-law(through his wife Leah)’s tent and demanded to know why he had been so cruelly deceived. Laban had been expecting this and he coolly replied, “Around these here parts it’s just not natural to sell the younger daughter before her older sister has been sold. Don’t worry, as long as you’re a good little boy and screw Leah’s brains out over this next week you can marry Rachel and pay for her with your next seven years of service.”

So in short order Jacob was married to both of his cousins. The thing was, he just didn’t like Leah that much. Yeah, she had nice eyes but she didn’t have very good skin and was just way too thin. Yahweh noticed and decided that Leah should have children and that Rachel, just like all the cousin/wives before her should be barren (I personally suspect all these women were pre-pubescent rather than barren and that’s why they could have kids further down the road).

So while Jacob was still paying for Rachel, Leah had four sons. First there was Reuben and Leah said, “Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.” Then there was Simeon and Leah said, “Because the Lord hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also.” Third was Levi and Leah said, “Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons.” Finally she had Judah. By then she had figured out that it didn’t matter how many sons she had, Jacob was never going to see her as anything other than an easy lay when Rachel wasn’t in the mood so she just said, “Now will I praise the Lord.”

Ref: Genesis 29

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 3 – Jacob steals the birthright

It’s the way Yahweh wanted it: honest

When Isaac got old enough that he couldn’t see very well anymore he decided it was just about time to die so he called in his favorite son, Chewbacca, and said, “I’m going to die soon, so please go kill a deer and make me some of that savory meat I love so much. Then I’m going to bless you.” Well, Isaac’s wife Rebekah heard this and because she liked Chewy’s twin brother Jacob best she hatched a plan to get him Isaac’s end-of-life blessing.

Rebekah told Jacob to go kill two baby goats and make savory meat the way Isaac liked it so he could get the super awesome magical blessing. Jacob immediately saw a flaw in this plan and said, “I’m all for tricking Dad to get this blessing thing, but I’m pretty sure he’ll notice I’m not Chewy. I mean look at him. He could easily pass for a bantha and I’m smoother than Mark Hamill.” This was no obstacle for Rebekah who replied, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. I’m just going to dress you in Chewy’s clothes and cover your exposed skin in goat pelts.”

After the whole façade had been put together Jacob walked into his dad’s tent and said, “It’s your favorite son, Chewy. I got you the meat just like you wanted so now bless me.” Isaac wasn’t retarded so he immediately suspected something was up and asked, “How did you get this meat so quickly, and why do you sound like Jacob?”

Isaac may not have been retarded but he was definitely gullible. So when Jacob said, “I got the meat so fast because Yahweh helped me get it and you can totally tell I’m Chewy because I feel all hairy. Seriously, check it out,” Isaac believed him. Just to be sure though, Isaac felt Jacob’s arms and hands and smelled his clothes. The hands and arms were hairy and the clothes sure smelled like Chewy’s clothes: good to go.

Isaac ate the meat, washed it down with some wine, and blessed Jacob to always have dew from heaven, the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine. Isaac also blessed Jacob to be master of other nations and the master of his siblings forever.

As soon as the blessing was finished Jacob booked it out of there. Just in time too, because right after Jacob left Isaac’s tent Chewy showed up with his meat and asked for the blessing. Isaac said, “Oh no! I can’t. I already gave it to your brother who tricked me. I blessed him to be your master and have endless wine. There’s nothing left for you.” Then Chewy said, “Augh, I hate that little rat-bastard. First he tricked me out of getting to be in charge of the family after you die, and now he gets to be the boss of me. He even gets all the wine.” Then Isaac felt bad so he gave Chewy a mini blessing to have dew from heaven and to someday not have Jacob be in charge of him anymore.

This wasn’t nearly enough to calm Chewy’s rage. He swore that as soon as their dad died he was going to kill Jacob to get even. When Rebekah heard about this plan she sent Jacob to live with her brother Laban in Haran and told him to not come back until she sent for him. You know, so Chewy could have a few years to cool off.

Ref: Genesis 27

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 2 – Jacob and Esau

Sibling rivalry on a biblical scale

In proper keeping with family tradition, just like Abraham’s cousin/wife, Isaac’s cousin/wife Rebekah was barren (note: if fertility is a problem in your family, stop marrying your cousins). But it was ok because Isaac was a good little boy who prayed to Yahweh. Yahweh then helped Rebekah get pregnant. In fact, Yahweh is so good at the whole pregnancy thing that Rebekah ended up carrying twins. The first one came out as a hairy carpet and looked very much like Chewbacca so for this story we’ll just call him Chewy. The second one was Jacob who came out nice and smooth.

Chewy was a hard worker and spent most of his time hunting. Jacob spent all his time in the tents, having his nails done, his hair styled, and trying on clothes. Their father, Isaac, liked Chewy best because he was a man’s man, provided delicious animals to eat, and was the starting left tackle for four years at Notre Dame. Rebekah liked Jacob best because he looked really sharp and was always game for a late brunch, an afternoon of shopping, or an evening of cupcakes and cocktails.

One evening Jacob was sitting outside with some lentil soup and bread he’d nicked from the kitchen when Chewy came home from a long day of work outside. Chewy hadn’t eaten all day and was super hungry. He said, “Hey girly man, give me that food or I’ll pummel you.” Jacob wasn’t about to be pushed around by a thug like Chewbacca so he said, “You wouldn’t dare. Mom would never feed you again if you laid a finger on me. In fact, if you want this food you’re going to have to promise me that I get to be head of the family after Dad dies.” Chewy knew he’d been outmaneuvered so he said, “Fine. It won’t do me much good if I starve to death. Just give me the food and you can be in charge after dad dies.”

So Chewy ate his newly acquired food and went back to work, having been cleverly outmaneuvered by his sissy little brother.

Ref: Genesis 25: 20-34

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 1 – Isaac and Rebekah get hitched

Yahweh is really good at finding hot virgins

When Abraham got really old he decided that it was time for his son Isaac to get married. However, he didn’t want to see his son with one of those nasty local girls so he called in his senior slave and said, “I need you to put your hand UNDER MY THIGH and promise you won’t find Isaac a wife among the locals. You have to go to my hometown and fetch one of his cousins.” The slave then asked, “What if the woman doesn‘t want to travel all the way back here? Should I go find a girl, then come back here, then take Isaac out to meet her?” Abraham replied, “No! Not just no, but hell no! Yahweh told me this land here is for my descendants. My son stays here!”

So the slave took a bunch of loot and walked from Canaan back to the city of Nahor in Mesopotamia (about 100 miles). When he got there he prayed to Yahweh saying, “God of Abraham. Make it so the woman you want for Isaac offers to get water for my camels so I can tell who it is.” Isaac’s cousin Rebekah immediately showed up and gave water to the slave and the camels. Fortunately Isaac’s cousin was a virgin and pretty.

The slave then went to talk with Rebekah’s parents and told them about his deal with Yahweh regarding the camels. They were very impressed by the story and immediately sold Rebekah to Abraham’s slave. Then Rebekah gathered up her stuff and she and her personal slaves walked back to Canaan to meet Isaac. They got married the day she arrived and moved into Isaac’s mother’s basement. Wait, I mean tent. They moved into Isaac’s mom’s tent.

Ref: Genesis 24

The ancient Hebrews read the scriptures – Enforcing Jehovah’s desire for ethnic purity

It turns out you can find justification in the bible for any evil act

In the time of the prophet Nehemiah a bunch of the Hebrews got together and someone read the Book of Moses to them. When they got to the part about Balaam’s talking donkey they especially noticed the section that said Ammonites and Moabites should never, ever, under any circumstances be allowed to enter the congregation of God.

You see, after the Israelites left Egypt they were eradicating all the different communities they came across. The Ammonites and Moabites didn’t want to be wiped off the map so they hired a magician to use his magic to help them.  Now, this didn’t work for the Ammonites and Moabites because Jehovah bullied the magician (Balaam) into using his magic to help the Israelites instead. However, irrespective of how things turned out, the Ammonites and Moabites did actively work to preserve their own lives against the evil onslaught of Jehovah’s people. This meant that their decedents could never, not ever worship Jehovah, be part of God’s people, go to Heaven, or any of the like.

The Israelites were always hard-core so once they figured out they needed to do something about ethnic impurity they didn’t just make the offending ethnic groups stand on the bus, go to separate schools, or use the back door to enter businesses. Nope. The Israelites forcibly removed everyone with any Ammonite or Moabite ancestry from their communities. These poor unsuspecting “unworthy” individuals were removed from their homes and cast into the wilderness where they could either die or wander until they found a more accepting culture willing to take them in.

After all, “God is love.”

Ref: Nehemiah 13:1-3

Now King David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

Bible stories by Matt often illustrate the magical properties of a virgin woman

When King David got old he had a hard time keeping warm, because we all know how cold it is in the Middle East. His slaves kept piling blankets on him, but he just wouldn’t stop bitching about how cold he was. Of course the obvious solution for any of King David’s problems was to find a young virgin for him. Now pay attention. If you are going to use a woman instead of an electric blanket, she absolutely has to be super hot, and totally have never let a penis inside her vagina. This made everyone in King David’s huge collection of wives ineligible because they were either ugly, or had sex with David or his son Absilon, or both (ref: 2 Samuel 16:21-22).

Once this course of action was decided upon, those faithful to the King went on a huge hot-chick hunt to find a virgin who was attractive enough for the King. Finally they found this girl named Abishag. She was definitely hot enough, and virgin enough to climb under the covers with the king and keep him warm. At this point King David really wanted to be warm, and he knew the magicial warmness exuded by a hot virgin so he managed to refrain from sticking his penis in Abishag (or maybe it was just her name that turned him off).

I always felt bad for Ahishag because I reckon that for an attractive girl in the countryside of Israel in King David’s time to still be a virgin she must have been pre-pubescent because I’m pretty sure families sold off their daughters at menarche. Also, she had to spend all her time under a blanket with wrinkly old King David and breathe in unwashed old person smell all day, ick!

Ref: 1 Kings 1:1-4