Philemon and Onesimus - Some people just need to be slaves

It's not white on black slavery so it's ok, right?

Two millenia ago, Paul wrote a nice letter to his friend Philemon about Jesus and forgiveness. You see, once upon a time, Philemon had a really poor quality slave named Onesimus. This slave was so bad that Phelemon finally had to give him the boot.

This is EXACTLY the same as that part in the movie The Two Towers where Grima Wormtongue convinced King Theoden that Eomer was a poor servant and needed to be exiled.

Eventually this slave ended up in prison with the apostle Paul and while there, converted to Christianity. Paul loved Jesus and loved helping out followers of Christ, so he wrote this letter:

Dearest Philemon,

I pray for you a lot and we both love Jesus, Yay! Hey, you remember that worthless bastard Onesimus? Well, it turn out he's a Christian now and he's been super helpful to me since he converted. I would totally keep him forever, but I want him to return and be your slave again so you can learn forgiveness and see how great he is now.

Now remember, he's christian now so you should be nicer to him than the other slaves. Think of him more as a slave/brother. Like, whip him less or something out of respect for your shared faith.

Love,

Paul

This is EXACTLY the same as that part in the movie The Two Towers where a huge orc army was killing all of Theoden's people and Gandalf convinced Eomer to show up with a couple thousand light cavalry at the last possible minute and kill all the orcs.

 

Yep, exactly the same . . .

Moral: It's better to be a Christian slave than a regular slave.

Ref: Philemon 1

Rhoda – The first dumb blonde

This angel sounds pretty violent

Once upon a time, Herod the King started killing Christ's famous followers and posting pictures of their bodies on Twitter.

Herod was worried about his popularity and thought if he could get more followers than Caesar things would go well.

 

Herod had already iced James, and Peter was in prison waiting his turn. Fortunately for Peter (not so much for James) an angel showed up prior to the execution and whacked Peter on the side, knocking him to the ground. This act of violence miraculously freed Peter from his bonds. Peter got dressed and the angel led him straight out of prison and left him in the middle of the street.

 

Once Peter got his bearings, he headed to a nearby secret Christian meeting place where a group of followers were fervently praying for his safety. Peter knocked on the door but as luck would have it, Rhoda, the only blonde teenager in the entire Middle East opened the door and recognized him. She was so excited she ran to tell everyone the good news immediately . . . and LEFT PETER LOCKED OUTSIDE!

Of course nobody believed Rhoda, but when she wouldn't change her story a few of the listeners said, "Well, maybe you think you saw Peter. It must have been his ghost though." At this point it STILL hadn't occured to Rhoda to just let Peter into the house so everyone could see him for themselves.

Fortunately, Peter has the presence of mind to keep knocking until someone else finally came to the door and let him in.

Moral: Not all dumbs are blonde.

Ref: Acts 12

Note: Blondes aren't from the Middle East. Blonde hair in a Northern European thing and Northern Europeans are actually pretty damn smart!

Acts 12:13-16 (KJV) - And as Peter knocked at the door of the gate, a damsel came to hearken, named Rhoda. And when she knew Peter’s voice, she opened not the gate for gladness, but ran in, and told how Peter stood before the gate. And they said unto her, Thou art mad. But she constantly affirmed that it was even so. Then said they, It is his angel. But Peter continued knocking: and when they had opened the door, and saw him, they were astonished.

Peleg - From Pangaea to today

Only God gets to move around that much water

Back when God was making the earth, he commanded all the water on the planet to gather together into a single body and caused the land to appear.

It seems logical that if all the water was in a single body, all the land would also have to be together, you know, to avoid dividing all that water into separate oceans, rivers, lakes, and seas.

 

Genesis 1:9-10 (KJV) And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

However, that's not the Earth we are used to seeing. Our Earth looks more like this:

Well, that's weird; something must have happened. The bible gives us a hint while running through some genealogy. About 100 years after the great flood, some guy named Eber had two sons, Peleg and Joktan.

Genesis 10:25 (KJV) And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother’s name was Joktan.

It turns out Eber wasn't very creative with names. Apparently Peleg means "division" and Joktan means "lesser." Way to go Eber! Now, some so-called "scholars" think Peleg got his name because the humans stopped all living in one place and were dispersed across the earth. I think that's just crazy. Such an event seems too gradual to be first-born son name worthy. No! I demand a CATACLYSMIC explanation! I say the earth was physically divided.

No, not like that.

Imagine that God created a perfect landmass. It was all fertile garden land and stuff, perfect for growing food and grazing delicious animals. You know, flat like a cue ball.

 

Then one day, God decided to spice things up and introduced a major cataclysm. One that broke all the land into pieces and slid them around the globe, creating mountains, valleys, deep ocean trenches. Yeah; that seems more like God's style.

Moral: God always goes big.

Feet Dusting - It's how modern killing is done!

I heard that you had better be REALLY sure Jesus is OK with you dusting your feet. Otherwise a lot of innocent people could die.

One day Jesus decided he just wasn't able to spread his message effectively without help. He recruited 70 messengers and gave them some very specific instructions on how to spread the influence of his teachings.

Step One:

Go to a city and walk to the center of town.

Step Two:

Wait to see if people feed you and give you a place to sleep.

Step Three A:

If you were given food and a place to sleep, heal the sick and let everyone know the Kingdom of God is about to arrive.

Step Three B:

If you were NOT given food and a place to sleep; let everyone know the Kingdom of God is about to arrive, then brush the dust off your feet to let God know which city he should destroy. Think of this as you would a special forces guy pointing a laser at the city. Then think of God as a laser-guided missile.

Step Four A:

If you were given food and a place to sleep, move on to the next city.

Step Four B:

If you were NOT given food and a place to sleep, enjoy the show as God destroys the city.
 

 

To help programmers better visualize this sequence of events, I've taken the liberty of preparing some c++ code.
 

//This simple program helps determine if a city should receive

//the blessings of God, or should be destroyed.

#include <iostream>

#include <stdlib.h>

using namespace std;

int main()

{
int salvation;
cout << "Enter the city and wait for two hours." << endl;
sleep(7200000);

cout << "Did people in the city feed you and offer you a place to sleep?" << endl;

cout << "Enter 1 for yes and 0 for no: ";
cin >> salvation;
cout << endl;

if(salvation == 1)

{
            cout << "Heal the sick and say to everyone," << endl;
            cout << "\"The kingdom of God is come nigh unto you.\"" << endl;
}
else
{
            cout << "Walk into the middle of the main street and say:" << endl;
            cout << "\"Even the very dust of your city, which cleaveth on us," << endl;
            cout << "we do wipe off against you: notwithstanding be ye sure" << endl;
            cout << "of this, that the kingdom of God is come nigh unto you.\"" << endl;
            cout << endl;
            sleep(30000);
            cout << "Perform \"Feet Dusting\" ritual." << endl;
}

return 0;

}

Moral: God keeps an eye on things and kills everyone that doesn't do the "right" thing without being told.

Ref: Luke 10:8-12

And into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you, eat such things as are set before you: and heal the sick that are herein, and say unto them, The kingdom of God is come nigh unto you. But into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you not, go your ways out into the streets of the same, and say, even the very dust of your city, which cleaveth on us, we do wipe off against you: notwithstanding be ye sure of this, that the kingdom of God is come nigh unto you. But I say unto you, that it shall be more tolerable in that day for Sodom, than for that city.

The Last Battle - The Zechariah version

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that it's ok when God lets people die, because they get to go to heaven and that's not supposed to be bad.

In one of Zechariah's great visions, he saw a future battle in the Middle East.



Sorry. It Wasn't This Middle Eastern Conflict (Syria 2014)

God is going to make Jerusalem a burden to the entire world. It's going to get so bad that every nation on Earth will gang up on Israel and try to destroy it.



Can you tell that I drew ALL the world's nations here?

All the fighting isn't going to go too poorly for God's chosen people because God plans to help. He's even going to show up in person to "destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem."



God shows up to help. Note the kickin' cape

Here's the catch: when the Jews see that God is Jesus Christ, AND that they crucified him back in Roman times, they're going to feel really bad. They are going to feel SO bad the sadness will end up splitting all the families apart and all the wives are going to have to move away from their husbands.

The "Sadness" Separating Families

So much for the traditional family, eh?

Moral: Sometimes when God makes everyone want to kill you, he shows up to help you when they attack.

Ref: Zechariah 12

Christ on David's Throne - Some things are made to last

Do you suppose the chair is magic, or is it more of a symbolic thing?

Back a really long time ago, God decided that David would be the ruler of the Kingdom of Israel. Because the Israelites were God's chosen people, that Kingdom was destined to last forever. After God gave David the throne to the kingdom, the prophet Samuel came to David and said, "When your days are complete and you lie down with your fathers, I will raise up your descendant after you, who shall come forth from you, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for My name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever."

God gives King David "The Throne of Ages"

After the Babylonians embarrassed the Kingdom of Israel with its superior military might and enslaved most of the population, God's chosen people started thinking a lot about the promise of a "forever" kingdom and a messiah, or deliverer. Isaiah promised that sometime in the future, a descendant of David would once again sit upon David's throne. This messiah would usher in a new era of peace and rule forever, and ever, and ever. The end.

Isaiah Prophesies the Advent of Christ

800 years after Isaiah's promise, Jesus was born. The Babylonians weren't in charge of the Israelites anymore. Now it was the Romans who were calling the shots. Everyone wanted a messiah and Jesus was clearly the demigod for the job. You know, being the literal Son of God and all that jazz. Jesus sat on the throne and fixed everything.

Christ Rocks the Throne of David

Well almost everything I guess. I mean, there were a few Jewish rebellions against the Romans, and the Israelites were almost completely wiped off the face of the planet. I mean, only a few survived besides the ones living in other countries. But it's ok, really, because Jesus was still on the throne. After all, God did say Jesus would sit on it, "forever, and ever, and ever." I also heard that Jesus can't ever really die, so the throne sitting really can go on, and on, and on, and on . . . .

Forever and Ever

Moral: having a demigod sit on an antique chair doesn't necessarily prevent genocide.

Ref: 2 Samuel 7:12-16, Isaiah 9:6-7, & Isaiah 16:1-5