The Last Battle - The Zechariah version

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that it's ok when God lets people die, because they get to go to heaven and that's not supposed to be bad.

In one of Zechariah's great visions, he saw a future battle in the Middle East.



Sorry. It Wasn't This Middle Eastern Conflict (Syria 2014)

God is going to make Jerusalem a burden to the entire world. It's going to get so bad that every nation on Earth will gang up on Israel and try to destroy it.



Can you tell that I drew ALL the world's nations here?

All the fighting isn't going to go too poorly for God's chosen people because God plans to help. He's even going to show up in person to "destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem."



God shows up to help. Note the kickin' cape

Here's the catch: when the Jews see that God is Jesus Christ, AND that they crucified him back in Roman times, they're going to feel really bad. They are going to feel SO bad the sadness will end up splitting all the families apart and all the wives are going to have to move away from their husbands.

The "Sadness" Separating Families

So much for the traditional family, eh?

Moral: Sometimes when God makes everyone want to kill you, he shows up to help you when they attack.

Ref: Zechariah 12

Rape in the Last Days – Everything is bigger in the Last Days

I try not to judge. I also try to not think too much about terrible things.

In the “Last Days,” Jehovah will gather ALL the nations of Earth to Jerusalem where they will have a huge battle.

The cities will be overrun,

the houses will be looted,

and the women will be raped.

You may be inclined to think Jehovah is all about enabling rape, since mass rape on an unimaginable scale will be caused by Jehovah’s gathering of the people.

Yes, you may feel that way.

Ref: Zechariah 14:1-2

Ezra Cleans House – Kicking impure bitches to the curb

Never yield to the temptation of interracial relationships

In the first year of Cyprus, king of Persia, Jehovah manipulated Cyprus into decreeing that the Hebrews were to return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple. This was great news and the prophet Ezra led everyone back to Jerusalem where they were counted, then spent a bunch of time praying and fasting and such.

Once all this stuff was taken care of, the local princes went to Ezra with a disturbing report. They said something like: um, you know how not absolutely everyone was taken away to live in Persia? Well, the people who stayed here kinda, mingled with the locals. Yeah they’ve been taking wives from the non-holy races and mixing their holy sperm with those impure women. They’re making babies with them! It’s totally interracial! They are even worshiping the local gods instead of the great Jehovah.

As you would expect, as soon as Ezra heard the terrible news, he tore his clothes, ripped out his beard, ripped out the hair on his head, and sat down; completely astonished.

Ezra sat on the ground all day, overcome with astonishment. When the time for the evening sacrifice rolled around, Ezra finally stood up. He then launched into a moving speach about how awful the local population was: how sinful and wicked, naughty and  . . . well, bad; just bad – iniquitous even.

After Ezra wrapped up his monologue, a huge group of people gathered around him; men, women, and children. One of the men spoke up and said, “. . . We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law (Ezra 10:2-3, KJV).”

This whole idea of kicking everyone of “impure” blood out of the community appealed to Ezra so he send out word that everyone of Hebrew ancestry needed to gather at Jerusalem. Once everyone was together, Ezra explained how all the “impure” women and the half-breed children needed to be cast out of the community so they could live according to Gods will again. Everyone was moved by the spirit of the Lord so when Ezra said, “Now therefore make confession unto the Lord God of your fathers, and do his pleasure: and separate yourselves from the people of the land, and from the strange wives (Ezra 10:11, KJV).”  The men all answered and said, “As thou hast said, so must we do (Ezra 10:12, KJV).”

Because there were so many non-Hebrew women and mongrel children, it took three and a half months to identify and kick them all to the curb and for every offending man to kill a ram by way of apology.

However, after all those weeks of righteous toil, the impurities were finally removed and the Kingdom of Israel was once again pure in the eyes of God.

Moral: Just because God’s prophet is living in another city, it doesn’t mean you can go chasing tail among the local population.

Ref: Ezra 1:1-2 & Ezra 9-10

Independence Day: Jehovah is Tougher than Will Smith

The cover art for Independence Day shows an alien spaceship blowing up the White House

In the fourteenth year of King Hezekiah’s reign over Israel the Assyrians invaded. They easily captured all the fortified cities in Judah before showing up outside Jerusalem.

The only way I can think of to properly explain this situation in modern terms is to refer to the 1996 film Independence Day. Yes, the Assyrians were that badass. When they steam-rolled over Judah it was just like all those massive spaceships (15 miles wide) simultaneously destroying Earth’s major population centers. Please imagine the terror of Earth’s population in light of the alien threat when you consider how the people of Jerusalem felt when the Assyrians arrived on their doorstep.

Fortunately, the King of Assyria was far more polite than the aliens in Independence Day and actually spoke to the people of Jerusalem after he arrived. He said, “Hey everyone. Listen up and pay attention! Let’s not be stupid here. You know you are way outclassed. Don’t let King Hezekiah convince you that you have a chance. Don’t let him try to convince you that your god will save you. We have destroyed the peoples of Hamath, Arphad, and Sepharvaim. Their gods did not help them and yours will not be able to save you. Surrender and we will simply relocate you to a place just like the one where you live now; a land of corn and wine, a land of bread and vineyards.”

Unfortunately the Israelis didn’t have Will Smith, Bill Pullman, any fighter jets, or a second-rate rip-off of the “Saint Crispen’s Day” speech from Henry V by William Shakespear. They just had King Hezekiah. Instead of launching a stunning counter attack involving the use of an old alien spacecraft, a computer virus, and a nuclear weapon after learning of the invasion; Hezekiah tore his clothes and went to church.

Here is where we learn Jehovah is better at handling things than Bill Pullman or Will Smith. You see, the Israelis had something those folks in the film didn’t. They had Isaiah. Isaiah was a great prophet of Jehovah and Jehovah heard the Assyrian speech about the Hebrew god being unable to help. This made Jehovah angry. You wouldn’t like Jehovah when he’s angry. Jehovah told his pet prophet Isaiah not to worry about the Assyrians. Isaiah told Hezekiah about Jehovah’s anger and Hezekiah decided to pray. He said to Jehovah, “These Assyrians are not nice. They keep destroying cities and their gods, but those gods aren’t real. They’re just made of wood or stone. You are a real god, so you can save us.”

Angry Jehovah then sent an angel to visit the Assyrian camp. This angel killed 185,000 Assyrians. Just like that: 185,000 dead Assyrians. You thought it was bad when the Assyrians were demolishing Judah, but I guarantee it took months for them to kill that many Hebrews. Jehovah did it like FedEx: overnight.

When the King of Assyria woke up in the morning and saw all his fighting men were dead he decided to abandon his campaign. He went back to Nineveh. You would think the story was over then but it’s not. Angry Jehovah wasn’t done. He made sure that Mr. King of Assyria’s sons killed him and then fled the country.

Yep. Don’t mess with Angry Jehovah.

Ref: Isaiah 36-37