Christ on David's Throne - Some things are made to last

Do you suppose the chair is magic, or is it more of a symbolic thing?

Back a really long time ago, God decided that David would be the ruler of the Kingdom of Israel. Because the Israelites were God's chosen people, that Kingdom was destined to last forever. After God gave David the throne to the kingdom, the prophet Samuel came to David and said, "When your days are complete and you lie down with your fathers, I will raise up your descendant after you, who shall come forth from you, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for My name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever."

God gives King David "The Throne of Ages"

After the Babylonians embarrassed the Kingdom of Israel with its superior military might and enslaved most of the population, God's chosen people started thinking a lot about the promise of a "forever" kingdom and a messiah, or deliverer. Isaiah promised that sometime in the future, a descendant of David would once again sit upon David's throne. This messiah would usher in a new era of peace and rule forever, and ever, and ever. The end.

Isaiah Prophesies the Advent of Christ

800 years after Isaiah's promise, Jesus was born. The Babylonians weren't in charge of the Israelites anymore. Now it was the Romans who were calling the shots. Everyone wanted a messiah and Jesus was clearly the demigod for the job. You know, being the literal Son of God and all that jazz. Jesus sat on the throne and fixed everything.

Christ Rocks the Throne of David

Well almost everything I guess. I mean, there were a few Jewish rebellions against the Romans, and the Israelites were almost completely wiped off the face of the planet. I mean, only a few survived besides the ones living in other countries. But it's ok, really, because Jesus was still on the throne. After all, God did say Jesus would sit on it, "forever, and ever, and ever." I also heard that Jesus can't ever really die, so the throne sitting really can go on, and on, and on, and on . . . .

Forever and Ever

Moral: having a demigod sit on an antique chair doesn't necessarily prevent genocide.

Ref: 2 Samuel 7:12-16, Isaiah 9:6-7, & Isaiah 16:1-5

Mystery Babylon – The mother of harlots

When you want to disparage someone’s character, simply associate him/her with prostitution

One day, long ago, Jehovah was faced with the challenge of getting St. John the Revelator to understand that secularism was fated to spread across the globe. Being perfect, Jehovah came up with a perfect way to do this. He sent an angel and used imagery.

The angel said, “Come here John. I need to show you the great whore that sitteth upon many waters. She is a very busy woman so we had better hurry. All the kings of earth have sex with her and everyone on earth gets drunk from the wine that leaks out of her during sexual intercourse. It sounds odd, I know; but you’ll understand once you see her.”

The angel carried John out, deeper and deeper into the wilderness until they saw her.

John wrote that the woman was sitting on a red monster with seven heads and ten horns. She was wearing a purple dress with a red sash and had a gold cup in her hand. The cup was full of sin and the “filth” of all the illicit sex.


 

Rampant Secularism is a hot chick riding a red dinosaur

 

The woman had writing on her forehead that said:

MYSTERY, babylon the great

the mother of HARLOTS

and of abominations of the earth

John noticed the woman was a little tipsy from drinking human blood, shed by those who die in the service of Christ. Of course, the strangest thing of all was: that woman was HOT!



Scarlett Johansson - Not rapmant secularism, but still hot



Moral: secularism is a hot slut that leaks wine during sex.

Ref: Revelation 17:1-6




Kate Upton - Also not secularism, and also hot

 

Jerusalem the Violated Virgin – How Jehovah treats those who disrespect

Like a virgin, crushed for the very first time

After Jehovah stopped liking the descendants of Abraham, things got pretty bad in Jerusalem. You see, Jehovah only helps out people who like Him and is deliberately cruel to those who disrespect him. In this case, Jehovah had the Babylonians invade Israel and haul off most of the people to work in the region we know today as Iraq.

The sacred book of Lamentations serves to enlighten us as to the condition of Jerusalem after Jehovah stopped being nice to it. In Lamentations 1:4 we learn that Zion mourns because nobody goes to parties anymore and the virgins are afflicted. Oh no: afflicted? How? Well, I hope these are metaphorical virgins. I hope it so much; I’m going to write this like both Jerusalem and its people are represented as virgins in Lamentations. If they are not metaphorical, God is even more messed up that I thought.

From Lamentations Chapter 1:

First: No longer full *cough cough* of people – just like a widow

Second: No lovers to give comfort

Third: All friends became enemies

Fourth: Live among non-religious people

Fifth: Be overtaken by persecutors “between the straits”

Sixth: Children (from a virgin?) are taken away as prisoners

Seventh: Disrespected by former fans because they’ve been seen naked

Eighth: Filthy skirts

Ninth: Adversary gets to rub his/her hands all over the “pleasant bits”

Tenth: Hungry

Eleventh: Fire sent into the bones

Twelfth: Trodden upon and squished by God, like in a winepress

Thirteenth: Menstruating

Moral: Don’t be a virgin or your adversaries will get to see you naked and rub your “pleasant bits,” God will squish you like a grape, and you will have to menstruate.

Ref: Lamentations 1:1-17

The Babylonian Captivity - Water and pulse

Behold: early pro-vegan literature

Once upon a time, there was a significant Hebrew minority living in Babylon (Iraq). They were there because after hundreds of years of heartache, Jehovah got sick of his chosen people not doing everything he commanded. To punish them for being lame, Jehovah had the Babylonians conquer Israel and take most of the people back to Babylon to live.

Now the King of Babylon, Nebuchadnezzar was an OK guy and he had some of the Hebrew youths move to the palace so they could be trained in the ways of courtly life. Well, here’s the thing: one of the things Nebuchadnezzar did for these youths in the palace was provide a daily ration of meat and wine so they would grow strong and wise over the next three years, then they were to be presented to the king.

This all happened before Jesus came on the scene and made wine drinking popular (Jesus was all about wine, all the time), so these kids were operating on the assumption that wine was bad for you, as was indicated by Jehovah in the Torah (see Leviticus 10:9).  Daniel and his buddies Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego decided to abstain from the wine and meat as part of their plan to serve Jehovah’s whims. Daniel had a chat with the head eunuch in charge of feeding the palace trainees and asked for other food options.

The eunuchs all really liked Daniel and would normally do just about anything for him, but the head eunuch was in charge of making sure the youths were well-fed and became strong and he was afraid the king would punish him if some of the youths looked too weak or thin. After hearing this concern Daniel proposed a test to prove Jehovah’s awesomeness. Daniel and his friends would eat only pulse (think of whole-grain porridge and you’ll be close to pulse) and drink only water for 10 days; then they were to be compared with the consumers of meat and wine.

Because Jehovah still didn’t like wine and meat back then, he helped Daniel and his Hebrew friends so after the 10 days, they were fatter and healthier looking than the other youths. The chief eunuch was so happy with these results he took away all the wine and meat and made everyone else eat pulse and drink water too. I’m sure this made Daniel very popular among the youths who had suddenly had their meat and wine taken away.

You would think that was the end, but it’s not! After the three years when the king examined the youths he discovered that the Hebrew youths were way smarter than anyone else. Yay Hebrews! In fact, because these hebrews were so awesome, Daniel eventually worked his way into the position of the ruler of the Babylonian provice and Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego were put in charge of Babylon's affairs.

Moral: when you pray remember to thank Jesus for liking wine so much that it’s no longer bad to drink. Amen!

Ref: Daniel 1