Why is it that bible readers think “burning bush” means ‘flaming shrubbery’ instead of ‘giant mass of pubic hair, concealing an inflamed vagina, sore from the burning pain of syphilis or gonorrhea?’
After Moses made a baby with Zipporah, Egypt’s Pharaoh died and Yahweh FINALLY noticed the Hebrews were upset about the situation HE had landed them in by executing HIS seven-year drought plan; miraculously HE also remembered HIS promise to take care of Abraham’s descendants at the same time. Yahweh decided to use Moses as a tool to free the Hebrews from the Egyptians and transport them to Palestine where they could completely wipe out the Palestinian peoples.
To get Moses’ attention, Yahweh turned Himself into a bush and started to shoot out flame. This was an amazing sight to Moses who abandoned his flock of sheep to investigate. Moses needed to see how flame could be coming from the bush and the bush itself did not burn. Once Moses got close, Yahweh spoke out from the center of the bush. He said, “Hey, I noticed the Hebrews are upset about their current situation. I’m a magic bush and will use that magic to bring them to Palestine so they can wipe out the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Pertizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. It’s a great place and once all the current inhabitants are dead the descendants of Abraham will be a great people without peer.”
While Moses was clearly impressed by the bush trick, he didn’t think he was the man for the job. The burning bush taught Moses a cool trick he could use to turn his staff into a snake, but Moses still wasn’t convinced because he had a bad stutter. Then the burning bush got really mad and started to shout. It yelled, “Who made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?” While Moses was thinking this over, the bush said, “Look, you have a brother in Egypt. His name is Aaron. He’s good at public speaking so you can tell him what to say and he’ll do it; and don’t even bring up your problem with the law. Everybody that knew you were a murderer is dead now and they don’t keep good records over there. Seriously; don’t sweat it, you’ll be just fine.”
There was a catch however; that damn flaming bush told Moses it wouldn’t be easy to free the slaves. Moses was going to perform all sorts of wonders to convince the new Pharaoh to release the slaves, but the bush was going to make damn sure that Pharaoh would not release them until after the bush murdered Pharaoh’s son.
Moses got permission from his father-in-law to head down to Egypt and take his wife Zipporah and their son Gershom. Of course on the way to Egypt Yahweh tried to kill Moses in an inn and Zipporah used genital mutilation to scare Him off and everything turned out alright; but that’s another story.
Moral: if the bush is a burnin’ it must be a true bush. You should totally trust it. Also, Yahweh likes to kill people who stay at inns.
Ref: Exodus 3:1 – 4:26
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