Tamar's Twins - Reminding us that babies are miraculous

In the olden days it was cool for religious leaders to get prostitutes

Once upon a time, Israel's son Judah knocked up his daughter-in-law. The word "Jew" comes from Judah. The Jews are Judah's descendents. It might help to review the story of Tamer's pregnancy.

After Judah had sex with his daughter-in-law, she became pregnant with twins whom she named Zerah and Perez. I don’t know how common twins are when the Father of the Jews gets his dead son’s wife pregnant, but I assume it’s still fairly rare. It must just have been a sign of how special Judah and Tamar’s relationship really was.

When Tamar was delivering the babies, Zarah reached his arm out through his mother’s vagina. The midwife saw it and tied a red piece of string around Zarah’s wrist and said, “This one came out first.”

After the whole wrist incident, Perez was delivered first, then Zerah. However, because Zerah had the red string around his wrist, he got to be the official “first born.”

When I first though about this, I thought there was no way an infant’s arm would be long enough to accomplish Zerah’s feat. However, I checked and among modern, average size people, a newborn’s arms should be around six inches long, and the distance from the cervical opening to the entrance of the vagina is around four inches. That’s totally long enough for Zerah to stick out his hand.

The thing is, there’s not a lot of extra room in your average uterus for a lot of messing around.

 

It's even worse with twins in there.

 

 Unless of course, Tamar had some sort of super-uterus.

 

 I that case, I'm sure Zerah and Perez would have been able to work something out.

Moral: not all uteruses are equal.

Ref: Genesis 38:27-30

Jeremiah Uses Sexual Imagery to Chastise Israel - A vagina can be a valuable teaching tool

Sex sells

One day Jehovah was upset about how the Israelites were behaving so he gave Jeremiah a few messages to pass on in Jeremiah Chapter 3.

From the mouth of God:

Imagine that dude number 1 divorced his wife and then she hooked up with dude number 2 later. Then imagine how gross it would be if dude number 1 screwed that chick again. That would be just like two dudes rubbing their junk together. Because all you Israelites stopped going to church, you are just like junk rubbing dudes!

You keep having sex with all sorts of people, and then want to crawl back into my bed? You’re so bad that even though you’re obviously a skanky whore, you refuse to feel shame. You are all like a bunch of slutty chicks that have sex on every single mountain and under every tree. Because you all are supper slutty I’m divorcing you.

Your sister though, she’s the people that still go to church but don’t believe. She totally had sex with the ground. That’s right. She’s been committing adultery with rocks and sticks.

Here’s the thing though, I’m not a monster and because used pussy is better than no pussy I’m not going to stay angry forever. I’m even going to forgive. Because we are married and everything, I will take one person from that city and two from this family and bring them to Zion.

Ref: Jeremiah 3:1-14

Moral: Jehovah likes to talk about having sex with his followers/children

God Convinces Moses to Help – Moses Part IV

Why is it that bible readers think “burning bush” means ‘flaming shrubbery’ instead of ‘giant mass of pubic hair, concealing an inflamed vagina, sore from the burning pain of syphilis or gonorrhea?’

After Moses made a baby with Zipporah, Egypt’s Pharaoh died and Yahweh FINALLY noticed the Hebrews were upset about the situation HE had landed them in by executing HIS seven-year drought plan; miraculously HE also remembered HIS promise to take care of Abraham’s descendants at the same time. Yahweh decided to use Moses as a tool to free the Hebrews from the Egyptians and transport them to Palestine where they could completely wipe out the Palestinian peoples.

To get Moses’ attention, Yahweh turned Himself into a bush and started to shoot out flame. This was an amazing sight to Moses who abandoned his flock of sheep to investigate. Moses needed to see how flame could be coming from the bush and the bush itself did not burn. Once Moses got close, Yahweh spoke out from the center of the bush. He said, “Hey, I noticed the Hebrews are upset about their current situation. I’m a magic bush and will use that magic to bring them to Palestine so they can wipe out the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Pertizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. It’s a great place and once all the current inhabitants are dead the descendants of Abraham will be a great people without peer.”

While Moses was clearly impressed by the bush trick, he didn’t think he was the man for the job. The burning bush taught Moses a cool trick he could use to turn his staff into a snake, but Moses still wasn’t convinced because he had a bad stutter. Then the burning bush got really mad and started to shout. It yelled, “Who made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?” While Moses was thinking this over, the bush said, “Look, you have a brother in Egypt. His name is Aaron. He’s good at public speaking so you can tell him what to say and he’ll do it; and don’t even bring up your problem with the law. Everybody that knew you were a murderer is dead now and they don’t keep good records over there. Seriously; don’t sweat it, you’ll be just fine.”

There was a catch however; that damn flaming bush told Moses it wouldn’t be easy to free the slaves. Moses was going to perform all sorts of wonders to convince the new Pharaoh to release the slaves, but the bush was going to make damn sure that Pharaoh would not release them until after the bush murdered Pharaoh’s son.

Moses got permission from his father-in-law to head down to Egypt and take his wife Zipporah and their son Gershom. Of course on the way to Egypt Yahweh tried to kill Moses in an inn and Zipporah used genital mutilation to scare Him off and everything turned out alright; but that’s another story.

Moral: if the bush is a burnin’ it must be a true bush. You should totally trust it. Also, Yahweh likes to kill people who stay at inns.

Ref: Exodus 3:1 – 4:26