Solomon the Judge – Righteousness was never so creepy

Solomon the Wise or Saruman the White?

The wizards of Middle Earth were sent by the Valar (demi-gods) to help the people of Middle Earth stand against Sauron. They were immortal spirits called Maiar. While in Middle Earth, they took the physical form of old men, while retaining superior physical and mental power. This is how when Gandalf’s physical form died after his battle with a Balrog (the physical form of an evil and corrupted Maiar who became a servant of Morgoth thousands of years earlier) he could be restored to “life” by the supreme being, Eru Ilúvatar, so he could complete his mission.

In any case, Saruman was one of these Maiar turned old man helper. He was an expert in mechanical devices and metal working. He was also regarded at the most wise of his order. That’s right. He was Saruman the Wise and because he wore white robes he was called Saruman the White. Of course in the end it turned out that Saruman wasn’t good or wise at all. Instead of helping like he was supposed to, he tried to conquer all of Middle Earth using the tools of Sauron.

Hopefully you remember Solomon as the son of David and Bathsheba. He was their second son. Jehovah killed their first son to teach David a lesson about being a stupid jerkface rapist/murderer. Well, Solomon became King after his father died. Solomon was supposed to be a wise and righteous man, but in the bible it says he was righteous because he followed in his father’s footsteps (1 Kings 3:3). We know King David was a truly terrible person so I can only draw the conclusion that he was supposed to be righteous and good, but was really pretty shady and self-serving. This is why I call him Saruman the White instead of Solomon the Wise.

The biblical Saruman the White was seen as a really good boy, so one day Jehovah visited him in a dream and offered him a present of his own choosing. Because Saruman the White was so “wise” he knew to ask for an “understanding heart.” This request made Jehovah very happy and he gave Saruman the White a heart that was wiser and more understanding than any other heart that would ever exist on Earth.

Conveniently, the morning after the dream two hookers showed up at the royal palace with a dispute about a child. The mean hooker had accidently smothered her newborn while asleep and had switched it for the nice hooker’s living infant. Of course the mean hooker said it was a lie and the nice hooker had killer her own baby and was now trying to lay claim to the mean hooker’s baby.

Because Saruman the White really liked prostitutes, he agreed to judge the matter himself. After the hookers presented their arguments, Saruman used his wise and understanding heart to send someone for a sword. Then Saruman used his wise and understanding heart to tell one of his slaves to use that sword and “divide the living child in two” so each hooker could keep half of it.

The nice hooker didn’t want her baby murdered by a wise and understanding heart so she said, “No, no, no! Please don’t kill my baby. Just let the mean hooker have it instead.” Because the mean hooker wasn’t very smart, she didn’t realize she was ahead and told the King that it was a great idea. She said, “Yay! Cut the baby in half! That way the stupid nice hooker will never get her kid back!”

Of course Saruman the White could tell the kid would be much better off with the nice hooker than the mean one, so he gave her full parental rights and only gave the mean hooker a two hour supervised visit once a month.

When word spread about how the “wise and understanding heart” handled domestic disputes between prostitutes, everyone feared the king because they could tell that he had the “Wisdom of God.”

To misquote the 1961 Disney film 101 Dalmatians:

Look out for the Wisdom of God

Wisdom of God
Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you
No evil thing will
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom, Wisdom of God

The curl of God’s lips
The ice in God’s stare
All innocent children had better beware
God’s like a spider waiting for the kill
Look out for the Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

This vampire bat
This inhumane beast
God 'outta be locked up and never released
This world was such a wholesome place until
Wisdom, Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

At first you think God is the devil
But after time has worn away the shock
You've come to realize
You've seen His kind of eyes
Watching you from underneath a rock!

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

Wisdom, Wisdom of God
If it doesn't scare you, no evil thing will
Wisdom, Wisdom of God
To see it is to take a sudden chill
Wisdom of God

Look out for the Wisdom of God

Ref: 1 Kings 3

David and Bathsheba – When it rains, it pours

"It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." – Phoebe Buffay

My last post explained all about the early relationship between David and Bathsheba. If you haven’t read it, please do so now.

continuing on . . .

All King David’s ass-hattery didn’t go unnoticed by Jehovah who was displeased. Apparently He doesn’t like it when mortals try to edge in on his “nearly random acts of terrorism” bit, so He sent His prophet Nathan to have a little chat with David. Nathan told David this really sappy story about how some rich guy with tons of sheep killed and served for dinner the sheep of some poor guy who didn’t really have anything else in the world. This story made David mad. David immediately declared a sentence of death for the rich guy in the story.

I suppose David was supposed to understand that the story was a parable for his rape of Bathsheba and murder of her husband, but David wasn’t very bright so Nathan had to explain it to him very patiently. Rich man kills and eats beloved, single sheep; signifying how David rapes Bathsheba and has her husband killed. Then Nathan had a message from Jehovah for David. The message went something like this: “You are a jerk and because you secretly had sex with someone else’s wife, I’m going to make sure somebody has public sex with all your wives. Oh, and the kid you made with Uriah’s wife? Yeah. He’s going to die too now.”

So Jehovah struck the child and it became very ill. David was bummed that the kid was dying so he stopped eating and prayed a lot because he thought this would change God’s mind about the kid. It didn’t work though and after seven days the kid died. Once David figured out that acting all sad and whiny didn’t do any good after all, he washed up, got dressed, and sat down to a nice meal. His servants thought this was weird and asked, “What’s going on? You seemed really concerned when the child was dying, but now that he’s dead you’re acting fine.” David had a simple response, “Meh, can’t bring him back, so why bother with it?”

David didn’t like that the whole rape and murder thing didn’t get him a son, so he had more sex with Bathsheba (poor girl) until she had another son. David named this kid Solomon, which sounds an awful lot like Saruman.

Note: I’m bothered that nobody seems to care how badly David destroyed Bathsheba’s life. She was violently raped multiple times, her husband was murdered by the King (using the swords of the Ammonites), she was forced to marry her rapist and the murderer of her husband, and her son was murdered by Jehovah. There are no words.

I also don’t like how God’s solution to the problem is to have someone rape all of David’s wives. This is so unbelievably misogynistic, I can’t believe how any modern woman can read this and think God is OK.

Ref: 2 Samuel 12

David and Bathsheba – A tale of shame and disgrace for God’s chosen king

When God “gives” a man hundreds of wives and concubines with whom can have sex whenever he wants (because spousal rape is as old as marriage), he apparently starts to crave variety.

This tale starts with at “the time when kings go forth to battle.” That’s right; the bible actually defined a time of year for making battle. Apparently this is just after the New Year begins. I don’t know if the weather was better for war at that time of year, or our biblical predecessors had defined specific months for peace or war, or what. Anyway, it seems weird to me.

It just so happens that one particular year King David didn’t go to war with his buddies. Instead he stayed home for the bird watching season. Late one night when he was on his roof looking for “birds” he spotted a particularly attractive woman outside bathing in the moonlight. I imagine that was exactly like when Gilthanas caught Silvara bathing in Dragons of Winter Night. Well, except Silvara and Gilthanas were decent people/creatures and Bathsheba wasn’t a silver dragon posing as an elf.



"Water Maiden" by John E Kaufman

 In any case, King David was a filthy bastard ass-face piece of shit. So Ass-Face asked a servant who the hot chick was and learned she was Uriah’s wife. Well, Ass-Face didn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else so he sent some of his people to collect her. They brought Bathsheba to Ass-Face’s room and “he lay with her.” Of course the bible doesn’t say the king had this poor woman dragged from her bath to his room where he raped her repeatedly, but I can’t possible imagine it happening any other way. King Ass-Face was just that classy of a guy.

It wasn’t too long before Bathsheba learned the rape resulted in pregnancy. There was no abortion for rape victims in those days and Bathsheba was terrified her husband would have her stoned for getting pregnant without his help, as any woman who stepped out on her husband was put to death. She informed Ass-Face of the problem. He didn’t want the embarrassment that would come if word got out he was impregnating other men’s wives, so he came up with a plan to keep Uriah from letting the world know of his affinity for raping married women.

Ass-Face sent orders for Uriah to return home from battle for a brief vacation in the hope that Uriah would have sex with Bathsheba and wouldn’t notice the baby was born a little too early to be his. This plan didn’t work though. It turned out that Uriah was such a stand up guy that he refused to enter his home and partake of any special comforts while his boys were still out on the front lines. Ass-Face tried for several days to get Uriah to make a booty call, but eventually gave up and sent Uriah back to war with a message for his commander. The letter Uriah carried had very specific instructions on how Uriah should be utilized in combat to ensure his death.

After Uriah was safely dead Bathsheba was extremely distraught and mourned bitterly. I feel so incredibly bad for Bathsheba. Not only was she raped by King Ass-Face, her husband was executed so he wouldn’t cry foul concerning the King’s raping ways. Even worse, Bathsheba was forced into a marriage with Ass-Face and bore him a son.

Note: This story really, really makes me mad. King David was such a horrible, horrible person and has been revered for many centuries as a righteous and successful king of Israel for his influence/longevity and his ability to apply sufficient violence to keep the Philistines in check while expanding the borders of his kingdom.

Ref: 2 Samuel 11

Hallelujah – Another Great Bible-Inspired Song

I love this song

This song was first released in December of 1984. It was written and performed by the Canidian singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen. I first heard it while watching the movie Shrek. The film uses a cover by Rufus Wainwrigt that is simply stunning.

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Link to the Shrek Soundtrack, if you’re interested.