Midianite Genocide – Moses makes sure things are done properly

I wonder if Midianite women had a reputation for sexual prowess

You may not remember this, but when Moses fled Egypt to escape the criminal justice system he took refuge in Midian. While he was there he married a young Midianite woman named Zipporah, daughter of Jethro. Given Moses’ past relationship with Midian, it might surprise you to learn that when the Hebrew migration passed near Midian, Jehovah commanded Moses to wipe out the Midianites.

Apparently the Midianites were pretty weak sauce because Moses only sent 12,000 fighting men; 1,000 from each tribe. After the Hebrew heroes finished the long walk to Midian, they wasted no time in killing all the men. Then they took all the women and children captive, gathered up all the livestock and valuables, and burned every building in the country before returning to report to Moses.
 

When Moses received the war report he was furious. He said to the military leaders, “You didn’t kill the women? Are you crazy or just stupid? Don’t you realize that when Jehovah says he wants genocide, he actually wants genocide? Do you want Jehovah to kill us for not following orders?”

Moses immediately launched his plan of remediation. He had his people kill all the male Midianite children and all the women who failed the virginity check, and commanded that all the young virgins be immediately married to their captors.
 

This was a good start, but it wasn’t quite enough for the Lord. Jehovah spoke to Moses again with some additional steps: “Divide all the loot from Midian into two equal parts, divide one part among those who went to Midian to fight, and the other part among those who stayed behind. Then from the fighting men’s half, take one in every 500 young virgins and animals to the temple, along with one in 50 animals and virgins from the half for those who didn’t fight. Then sacrifice all those virgins and animals as a formal apology for not committing genocide properly and give all the looted money to the priest.

 

A total of 32,000 virgin Midianite girls survived the slaughter of their families. Of these, 352 virgins perished over the next several days as sacrifices to the Lord along with almost 9,000 animals. After the money was all collected, it was made into a memorial for the People of Israel.

 

Moral: Jehovah doesn’t like people messing with his genocide

Ref: Numbers 31

Sodom and Gomorrah – Valuing obesity over charity

No matter how you look at it, what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah was pretty terrible

In Ezekiel chapter 16, Ezekiel serves as the mouthpiece of the Lord, directly conveying the words of God to us from the dust of ages past. The chapter focuses primarily on the people of Jerusalem and how awful they were for worshiping other gods. You can read more about it here.

The focus of this post is not about how God chose to punish the sinners of Jerusalem 2,500 years ago. Instead, I’d like to introduce a piece of often overlooked wisdom.

Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. (Ezekiel 16:49, JKV)

Here’s the deal: back, like forever ago, Jehovah rained down fire from heaven to destroy the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s pretty generally accepted that Sodom was destroyed because Jehovah doesn’t like sodomy. In fact, that’s where the word sodomy originates. Of course the bible never actually specifies the act of anal sex, but there is this bit in Sodom where a mob of unruly men attempted (unsuccessfully) to gang rape a couple of angels. That happened after Jehovah had already decided to destroy the city though. You can read more about it here.



The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah - Pieter Schoubroeck (16th century)

Words like “iniquity” and “abomination” are used to describe why Sodom was destroyed. Those are pretty general, but Christians in general think the word “abomination” refers to anal sex. The only thing I can think of that could drive the association is the attempted gang rape. However, there is TONS of rape in the bible and a fair amount of it is gang rape. None of those other places of rape got torched; presumably because it was guy on girl rape, but I’m not entirely convinced.


This Levite just found his concubine on the doorstep, where she
managed to drag herself before dying after a long night
of especially brutal rape by a gang of biblical miscreants



The only place in the bible I can find that uses really specific language to describe the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah is in the above quoted scripture where The Great God Himself says the iniquity (or abomination) of Sodom was pride, gluttony, laziness, and a failure to care properly for the poor and needy.

Yeah, Jehovah totally torched Sodom and Gomorrah because the non-poor were fat and lazy while the poor went hungry.

Note: according to the USDA, almost 15% of American households experience “food insecurity” every year. These households are uncertain of having, or unable to acquire, enough food to meet the needs of all their members because they had insufficient money or other resources for food.

  

Please take the time to visit http://feedingamerica.org/ or http://thehungersite.greatergood.com/ to learn how you can help combat hunger.

Rape in the Last Days – Everything is bigger in the Last Days

I try not to judge. I also try to not think too much about terrible things.

In the “Last Days,” Jehovah will gather ALL the nations of Earth to Jerusalem where they will have a huge battle.

The cities will be overrun,

the houses will be looted,

and the women will be raped.

You may be inclined to think Jehovah is all about enabling rape, since mass rape on an unimaginable scale will be caused by Jehovah’s gathering of the people.

Yes, you may feel that way.

Ref: Zechariah 14:1-2

Dashing Infants – In the Bible, “dashing” is a verb; not an adjective

Infanticide: the intentional killing of infants. In many past societies, certain forms of infanticide were considered permissible. In most countries, female infanticide is more common than the killing of male offspring, due to sex-selective infanticide.

One of the forgotten themes of the bible is the killing of infants. One of my major goals in life is to share the bible with as many people as possible. I do this in person and across the internet. The bible is such an amazing book, I think the citizens of our planet should know as much about it as possible. Today, I want to share about infanticide.

When Christ returns to the Earth in his glory to usher in the last days, some bad stuff is going to happen. The well-known prophet Isaiah was kind enough to give us a preview. It helps me understand why people are so anxious for His return.

Isaiah 13:15-18 New International Version (NIV)

Whoever is captured will be thrust through;

all who are caught will fall by the sword.

Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes;

their houses will be looted and their wives violated.

See, I will stir up against them the Medes,

who do not care for silver

and have no delight in gold.

Their bows will strike down the young men;

they will have no mercy on infants,

nor will they look with compassion on children.



Ancient Figurines



Once upon a time, the people in Samaria disrespected God by making little silver statues. They probably looked a little like these ones from Madhya Pradesh. Of course God couldn’t tolerate that, so it was imperative that their infants receive dashing and their pregnant women be torn open. This of course raises the question: in God’s eyes, is it a worse punishment for a woman to be “violated,” or “ripped open?”

Hosea 13:16 New International Version (NIV)

The people of Samaria must bear their guilt,

because they have rebelled against their God.

They will fall by the sword;

their little ones will be dashed to the ground,

their pregnant women ripped open.

When the children in Israel were living in Babylon (remember the stories about Daniel in the Lion Den and Ashack, Meshack, and Abednego?) God decided that one day the Babylonians would be punished for making His chosen people move from Palestine to Iraq. In Psalms, we get to learn how great it will be to be the one who gets to punish the Babylonian people.

Psalms 137:8-9 New International Version (NIV)

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction,

happy is the one who repays you

according to what you have done to us.
Happy is the one who seizes your infants

and dashes them against the rocks.

Holy crap! This whole time I was assuming it was BAD to dash infants. I can’t believe I was wrong. It may be time for me to re-evaluate my personal morals. I’m clearly even further out of synch with God than I thought!

Moral: Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.





Rules for Raping Virgins – Law makes order from chaos

Sometimes you aren’t required to blame the victim

In the case of rape, the bible requires that both the rapist and victim die by stoning if the victim is married. You know, to keep the ickyness of rape from contaminating the community.

That seems fine, but what about unmarried women? As far as I can tell, it’s ok to rape an unmarried non-virgin: probably because the chick in that situation doesn’t have any marriage potential or monetary value. The complications arise when raping a virgin. If a man is caught in the act of raping a virgin, he is then required to pay the girl’s father 50 shekels of silver and marry the girl. I’m not sure if this is a punishment or a reward. It could be, “You raped Sarah the daughter of Seth, so now you have to pay off Seth and you’re stuck with Sarah forever.” Or it could be a good way to pick out a new wife without having to get her father’s permission: “I don’t like you Seth. You are a stupid piece of crap and I would never have allowed you to marry my daughter, but since you raped her now I have no choice. Here is your new bride.”

Now you may say, “What if the virgin is already betrothed to someone? If you made her marry the rapist that wouldn’t be fair to the guy that had already arranged to marry her and paid the bride price?” Fortunately Jehovah thought of that too. If someone rapes a betrothed virgin in a city, then it’s the victim’s fault because she didn’t yell loud enough to attract someone that could protect her from the rape. In that case, both the rapist and victim are taken outside the city gate and everyone throws rocks at them until they die.

That may seem unfair, but Jehovah isn’t a monster. If the betrothed virgin is raped out in a field somewhere, the law understands that it isn’t her fault. You see, there aren’t enough people around for her to call successfully for help. In this case only the rapist is stoned to death.

Sadly, the “rape in a field” rule doesn’t bring me a lot of comfort. Once the girl is no longer a virgin the bridegroom can get out of marrying her because he paid for a virgin. Then the victim is an unmarried non-virgin and I’m pretty sure the only job she could get after that is in the respectable field of prostitution. Then I wonder if that is how all biblical prostitutes get started on their career path. Also: please refer to the section of the second paragraph dealing with non-married, non-virgins.

Moral: Jehovah came up with some pretty great rules for dealing with rape in a large community setting.

Ref: Deuteronomy 22:22-29

Pretty Non-Combatants – Enjoying the spoils of war

This makes me wonder who gets first pick.

The United States is not a Christian nation. This may seems like a bold statement to some so let me explain. If the US was a Christian nation, its soldiers and citizens would obey the laws of God. This almost never happens. You might expect such a statement to be followed by a lecture on charity or something. If so, you are wrong. Today we are going to examine God’s laws regarding the capture and rape of pretty girls in a combat zone.

Here is what God tell the male soldiers to do:

When you go to war and win, you should examine everyone you haven’t killed (taken captive). If you see a particularly beautiful woman and want to have sex with her, you take her home. Once she’s there you have to shave her head and trim her fingernails. Then you have to buy her new clothes and give her one month to cry about being separated from her parents and being forced into sex slavery. After that you are legally married and can start having the sex.

If you like the sex, the looks, and the personality you can keep her forever. However, if after the sex happens you decide you don’t like her, you have to let her go. Don’t even think about selling her though. God won’t allow you to treat her like merchandise because you raped/married her.

Now, you may argue that the US is trying to be a Christian nation by gang raping POWs and non-combatants; but deep down in your heart you know this isn’t true. If American soldiers were really following the word of God, they wouldn’t just rape people. First they would take them home, shave their heads, trim their nails, and buy them new clothes; then wait a full month before committing the rape. Oh, and because God doesn’t endorse polyandry (many men, one woman) there could be no gang rape.

Moral: nobody does what God wants anymore. Are we all dammed?

Ref: Deuteronomy 21:10-14

David and Bathsheba – When it rains, it pours

"It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." – Phoebe Buffay

My last post explained all about the early relationship between David and Bathsheba. If you haven’t read it, please do so now.

continuing on . . .

All King David’s ass-hattery didn’t go unnoticed by Jehovah who was displeased. Apparently He doesn’t like it when mortals try to edge in on his “nearly random acts of terrorism” bit, so He sent His prophet Nathan to have a little chat with David. Nathan told David this really sappy story about how some rich guy with tons of sheep killed and served for dinner the sheep of some poor guy who didn’t really have anything else in the world. This story made David mad. David immediately declared a sentence of death for the rich guy in the story.

I suppose David was supposed to understand that the story was a parable for his rape of Bathsheba and murder of her husband, but David wasn’t very bright so Nathan had to explain it to him very patiently. Rich man kills and eats beloved, single sheep; signifying how David rapes Bathsheba and has her husband killed. Then Nathan had a message from Jehovah for David. The message went something like this: “You are a jerk and because you secretly had sex with someone else’s wife, I’m going to make sure somebody has public sex with all your wives. Oh, and the kid you made with Uriah’s wife? Yeah. He’s going to die too now.”

So Jehovah struck the child and it became very ill. David was bummed that the kid was dying so he stopped eating and prayed a lot because he thought this would change God’s mind about the kid. It didn’t work though and after seven days the kid died. Once David figured out that acting all sad and whiny didn’t do any good after all, he washed up, got dressed, and sat down to a nice meal. His servants thought this was weird and asked, “What’s going on? You seemed really concerned when the child was dying, but now that he’s dead you’re acting fine.” David had a simple response, “Meh, can’t bring him back, so why bother with it?”

David didn’t like that the whole rape and murder thing didn’t get him a son, so he had more sex with Bathsheba (poor girl) until she had another son. David named this kid Solomon, which sounds an awful lot like Saruman.

Note: I’m bothered that nobody seems to care how badly David destroyed Bathsheba’s life. She was violently raped multiple times, her husband was murdered by the King (using the swords of the Ammonites), she was forced to marry her rapist and the murderer of her husband, and her son was murdered by Jehovah. There are no words.

I also don’t like how God’s solution to the problem is to have someone rape all of David’s wives. This is so unbelievably misogynistic, I can’t believe how any modern woman can read this and think God is OK.

Ref: 2 Samuel 12

David and Bathsheba – A tale of shame and disgrace for God’s chosen king

When God “gives” a man hundreds of wives and concubines with whom can have sex whenever he wants (because spousal rape is as old as marriage), he apparently starts to crave variety.

This tale starts with at “the time when kings go forth to battle.” That’s right; the bible actually defined a time of year for making battle. Apparently this is just after the New Year begins. I don’t know if the weather was better for war at that time of year, or our biblical predecessors had defined specific months for peace or war, or what. Anyway, it seems weird to me.

It just so happens that one particular year King David didn’t go to war with his buddies. Instead he stayed home for the bird watching season. Late one night when he was on his roof looking for “birds” he spotted a particularly attractive woman outside bathing in the moonlight. I imagine that was exactly like when Gilthanas caught Silvara bathing in Dragons of Winter Night. Well, except Silvara and Gilthanas were decent people/creatures and Bathsheba wasn’t a silver dragon posing as an elf.



"Water Maiden" by John E Kaufman

 In any case, King David was a filthy bastard ass-face piece of shit. So Ass-Face asked a servant who the hot chick was and learned she was Uriah’s wife. Well, Ass-Face didn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else so he sent some of his people to collect her. They brought Bathsheba to Ass-Face’s room and “he lay with her.” Of course the bible doesn’t say the king had this poor woman dragged from her bath to his room where he raped her repeatedly, but I can’t possible imagine it happening any other way. King Ass-Face was just that classy of a guy.

It wasn’t too long before Bathsheba learned the rape resulted in pregnancy. There was no abortion for rape victims in those days and Bathsheba was terrified her husband would have her stoned for getting pregnant without his help, as any woman who stepped out on her husband was put to death. She informed Ass-Face of the problem. He didn’t want the embarrassment that would come if word got out he was impregnating other men’s wives, so he came up with a plan to keep Uriah from letting the world know of his affinity for raping married women.

Ass-Face sent orders for Uriah to return home from battle for a brief vacation in the hope that Uriah would have sex with Bathsheba and wouldn’t notice the baby was born a little too early to be his. This plan didn’t work though. It turned out that Uriah was such a stand up guy that he refused to enter his home and partake of any special comforts while his boys were still out on the front lines. Ass-Face tried for several days to get Uriah to make a booty call, but eventually gave up and sent Uriah back to war with a message for his commander. The letter Uriah carried had very specific instructions on how Uriah should be utilized in combat to ensure his death.

After Uriah was safely dead Bathsheba was extremely distraught and mourned bitterly. I feel so incredibly bad for Bathsheba. Not only was she raped by King Ass-Face, her husband was executed so he wouldn’t cry foul concerning the King’s raping ways. Even worse, Bathsheba was forced into a marriage with Ass-Face and bore him a son.

Note: This story really, really makes me mad. King David was such a horrible, horrible person and has been revered for many centuries as a righteous and successful king of Israel for his influence/longevity and his ability to apply sufficient violence to keep the Philistines in check while expanding the borders of his kingdom.

Ref: 2 Samuel 11

Merry Christmas Part 1 – The really confusing story of how Mary got knocked up

This is going to be really offensive to fans of Mary and the virgin birth

It’s pretty common knowledge that Christians believe Mary was made pregnant through the power of God and gave birth to Jesus as a virgin. However, the scriptural accounts are not really that clear if you know what to look for. The account in the Gospel According to St. Matthew says that while Mary was engaged to Joseph people discovered she had been knocked up by “The Holy Spirit.” The Gospel according to St. Luke says that the “power” of God would “rest upon” Mary and she would become pregnant.

I see two possible explanations for these accounts.

First: Several times in the New Testament, God is referred to as the Holy Spirit. Also the phallus has been a symbol of power since people first understood symbolism. This symbolism was MUCH more powerful 2,000 years ago than it is now of course. So then; God got Mary pregnant after she was engaged to Joseph by holding her down (resting upon her) and using his power (phallus).

Second: Mary got pregnant through more conventional means and the child was made holy (magical) through the Holy Spirit which “rested” upon Mary.

According to the American Heritage Medical Dictionary rape is “the crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.” Because Mary acted surprised when she figured out she was pregnant I highly doubt she gave the almighty permission to impregnate her. Did Jehovah rape his mother so he could be born in the flesh? I think not. That’s why I’m more inclined to believe the second possibility is the correct one.

Here’s how I see it happening: Mary had her first period and told her mom. Mom got super excited because it meant Mary was old enough to be sold to a suitor. Mom and Dad were short on cash and Mary was super hot so they figured they could find someone with boatloads of cash. After a sort search they figured out all the really rich dudes were already married or tied up by previous arrangements. Fortunately there was this older carpenter in town who had been saving up for a hot virgin bride since he was a kid. He was the only one with the cash so Mary’s parents made the deal.

When Mary’s parents told her she was engaged to this old guy Joseph she got pretty upset. This is pretty understandable, after all she had just barely turned 13 and Joseph didn’t have all his teeth anymore and didn’t really wash up that often. Oh, and his hands were really calloused and rough looking. In any case, Mary stormed out of the house and went to her friend Sarah’s house. They broke into Sarah’s parents’ liquor cabinet and got pretty smashed before Mary got it into her head that she didn’t want her first time to be with Mr. Smelly McRoughHands. To take care of this problem she crawled into Sarah’s older brother’s bed (for whom she’s always had a little crush) shortly before dawn. Older brother was more than happy to take care of Mary’s need and after he finished up Mary had this vision where an angel came to her and said, “Behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus. The power of God will overpower your womb and the holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.”

When Joseph noticed that Mary was pregnant before their wedding day he was pretty upset so Mary lied and told him that although she was pregnant, she like, totally never had sex. She spontaneously got pregnant with Jehovah’s baby. Joseph didn’t really believe Mary; after all he wasn’t TOTALLY retarded. He’d already made the down payment to Mary’s parents though. So he decided that in light of everything, Mary was still hot enough to warrant continuing with the purchase.

Ref: Matthew 1:18, Luke 1:31 & Luke 1:35

King David’s Kids – And I thought my family was weird

Sharing Our Cultural Heritage

So King David (that guy that killed Goliath by throwing a rock at him) ended up super rich and had like hundreds of wives, so I guess statistically this was bound to happen sooner or later.

David’s son Amnon was hot for sister. Now, Amnon figured he couldn’t get himself a piece of that action because sister (Tamar) was a virgin which apparently made her off limits. Amnon was so hard up he stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. Fortunately Amnon had a much more pragmatic friend who sorted out a solution. He told Amnon to pull a Ferris Bueller and pretend to be sick, then when daddy came by to check on him he could ask to have Tamar come up to his room and make him dinner so he could get her alone.

So, Tamar went to Amnon's room and made dinner for her brother, who still wouldn’t eat. Instead he made all the servants and guards clear the room and asked Tamar to hand deliver the food. When Tamar reached out to Amnon with the food, he grabed her and explained about all the sex they were going to have. Naturally Tamar freaked out and told her brother that if he wanted her that bad he should ask their dad to let them get married. This didn’t work for Amnon who just raped her instead.

After the rape Amnon decided he didn’t like Tamar anymore and told her to get out. Tamar got even more upset and explained that raping her and then NOT marrying her is WORSE than just raping her. Amnon, having got what he wanted and apparently not liking it that much, didn’t care and had his servant force Tamar out of the room and lock the door behind her.

Tamar’s brother Absalom found her crying and figured out Amnon raped her. Absalom told Tamar not to worry about it too much ‘cause it was just her brother. Tamar moved into Absalom’s house and became a spinster.

Two years later Absalom sorted out a plan to get Amnon to help take care of the sheep for a little while. While Amnon was in the fields, Absalom had his servants kill Amnon for raping his sister. Absalom immediately fled the country because he was afraid his dad would have him killed for taking out Amnon. He stayed away for three years until one of his buddies helped him patch things up with his dad.

Things were good between Absalom and his dad for a while, until Absalom led a rebellion against his father, chased him out of Jerusalem and had sex with all his dad’s concubines (because what biblical character isn’t trying to get it on with his dad’s wives). They kept the war going though, and one day after a particularly bad battle Absalom was riding his mule under an oak tree and got his head caught in the branches where he was left dangling. One of David’s servants found Absalom dangling there and stabbed him in the heart. When David found out he got all sad and cried because his son (and rapist of his wives) was dead.

Ref: 2 Samuel 13-18

The Story of Dinah – A Severe Double Standard

Sensationalism at its finest

So this guy named Jacob - later changed to Israel (remember, the guy that stole the birthright from Esau) had a daughter named Dinah. One day Dinah went out by herself to visit some friends. While she was walking through the countryside some dumb rich kid named Shechem saw her, noted her hot body, and dragged her off to his place and raped her. Apparently she was better than previous rape victims, so he decided to “love” her and “spake kindly unto [her].” Then our rapist friend goes and talks to his rich daddy and tells him to secure a marriage.

Meanwhile, Jacob/Israel finds out about the abduction and rape, and tells his sons (remember polygamists can have LOTS of sons). They get pretty upset so when the big money daddy drops by to offer tons of cash as a payoff so Dinah can marry the rapist, the sons of David decide to get even. They tell big money daddy they can’t let Dinah marry an uncircumcised man, but if ALL rich money daddy’s people get circumcised, “Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.”

Rapist and big money daddy like this plan so they head back to their city where they force all the men to join the ranks of the circumcised. Now, I wasn’t circumcised as an adult, so I don’t know if this is realistic (I figure it isn’t), but apparently having your foreskin cut off completely incapacitates you. While all big money daddy’s people are unable to function, the sons of David/Israel show up and kill every single man in the city. They free Dinah from her rapist’s house, then take all the valuables, animals (sheep, cows, donkeys), small children, and women back to their city (who know, like you do – kill a woman’s husband then take her as wife number 8. Nothing weird about that, right?).

Jacob/Israel gets pretty upset when he finds out about the massacre and looting because he figures the neighboring cities will want to even the score, so they all pack up and flee the country. This works out ok because God makes the other groups in the area afraid, so they don’t chase and kill his “chosen” people.

Ref: Genesis 34:1-30

The Levite and His Concubine - Sometimes it's just too late to say you're sorry

It's like Bible Study with a smaller time commitment

So this Levite (member of tribe of Levi) had this hot young concubine. But she wasn't fond of the guy (who was probably beating her) so she took off and went back to her dad's place to hide out (according to the bible this makes her a whore). After four months our good Levite friend bought a dozen roses and a box of chocolates and took a trip to the dad's place. He got there, told the girl he was sorry and he just wasn't himself that night he beat her, and would never hit her again.

So concubine forgives the douchbag and they hang out at her dad's place for a few days. Then dad and concubine keep tricking douchbag into staying longer, but finally douchbag gets sick of it and leaves for home in the middle of the afternoon. They can't finish the trip in just a few hours so they get a room in the town if Gibeah which was under the management of the tribe of benjamin. Naturally a mob formed to try to rape douchbag (as tends to happen in the bible), but the owner of the B&B told the mob to take his virgin daughter and the concubine instead. So the mob took the concubine (but not the daughter) and gang raped her until morning, when she was able to crawl back to the door of the B&B before dying.

Douchbag wakes up in the morning, figures out what happened and takes his dead concubine back to his house where he chops her up into pieces and sends them out the leadership of the 12 tribes of Isreal. So they had a war conference and decided to kill everyone from the tribe of Benjamin. They attacked and killed all the men (600 of them escaped into the winderness) and all the cattle. They burned down all the buildings. Then they killed all the women and children.

After the war someone figured out that nobody from Jabesh-Gilead helped wipe out the Tribe of Benjamin, so the Israelites went and destroyed that city too, killing everyone but the virgin women which they could take home with them for later use.

After the tribe of Benajmin was nearly obliderated because the Levite douchbag's concubine was raped to death, the the old israelites got together and decided it was bad kharma to commit genocide against their relatives. To fix things they decided the Benjaminites needed wives. This was going to be tricky because they Benjaminite women had all been put to the sword and they didn't want them to hook up with any Israeli women.

It was eventually decided that the surviving Bejaminites should kidnap a bunch of women from a neighboring country. They did this and moved back to their burned out cities and fixed them up. Yay!




The artist says the woman in the middle is duct taped to a donkey and is not screaming like the
other two because her mouth is also duct taped. This seems highly accurate to me. I mean,
why carry the woman you are kidnapping when you can just strap her to a donkey?


Ref: Judges chapters 19, 20, and 21

Lot and His Family - Incestuous Rape is the Preferred Sin

Because we need to learn from the book on which people like to base their moraility.

Lot (Abraham's nephew) was hanging out by the city gate one afternoon when he saw two dudes in sharp clothes walk into town. Lot asked them to hang out his place. The sharp dudes didn’t want to at first, but Lot talked them into it and made them some bread.

Then all the horny guys from town showed up and asked Lot to send out the dudes in sharp clothes for a twisted rape/orgy. Lot wasn't so sure about that so he told the crowd he had two virgin daughters they could rape instead. I guess the daughters were dog ugly ‘cause the crowd still wanted the dudes. When the mob tried to break down Lot’s door they all went blind and couldn’t figure out where the door was. Then the sharp dudes told Lot to get out of town because God was going to melt it. You see God had decided that Lot and his family were really good people who needed to be saved. (God doesn't usually have a problem when a father offers his daughters to a horny mob for an all night gang rape.)

So Lot, his wife and the ugly virgins booked it out of town, but the dumb wife looked to see what a melting city looks like, and the sight made her turn into salt (because God is an asshole that likes to turn people into salt).

God: "Y'all are dumb as a doorknob. You gonna be some f@&%ing salt! Mawhahaha"

After the salt incident Lot and his daughters moved into a cave. The daughters didn’t think this was particularly awesome, so they decided to get pregnant because that always fixes everything. They sorted out a plan to get dad so drunk he didn’t know what was going on, then have sex with him; props to Lot for being able to maintain an erection after passing out drunk.

So the ugly virgins got pregnant on the first try (they must have had ancient ovulation pee sticks), then they got to live in a cave with their dad and two crying kids. See how getting pregnant fixes things?


Ref: Genesis 19:1-36


Note: I image that if ancient authorities received an anonymous tip about incest/child abuse in a cave and went to investigate, Lot would have to come up with a pretty convincing story to keep himself out of jail. I'm sure most of you readers have a pretty good idea of how incestuous child rapists are treated by the other inmates.