Mystery Babylon – The mother of harlots

When you want to disparage someone’s character, simply associate him/her with prostitution

One day, long ago, Jehovah was faced with the challenge of getting St. John the Revelator to understand that secularism was fated to spread across the globe. Being perfect, Jehovah came up with a perfect way to do this. He sent an angel and used imagery.

The angel said, “Come here John. I need to show you the great whore that sitteth upon many waters. She is a very busy woman so we had better hurry. All the kings of earth have sex with her and everyone on earth gets drunk from the wine that leaks out of her during sexual intercourse. It sounds odd, I know; but you’ll understand once you see her.”

The angel carried John out, deeper and deeper into the wilderness until they saw her.

John wrote that the woman was sitting on a red monster with seven heads and ten horns. She was wearing a purple dress with a red sash and had a gold cup in her hand. The cup was full of sin and the “filth” of all the illicit sex.


 

Rampant Secularism is a hot chick riding a red dinosaur

 

The woman had writing on her forehead that said:

MYSTERY, babylon the great

the mother of HARLOTS

and of abominations of the earth

John noticed the woman was a little tipsy from drinking human blood, shed by those who die in the service of Christ. Of course, the strangest thing of all was: that woman was HOT!



Scarlett Johansson - Not rapmant secularism, but still hot



Moral: secularism is a hot slut that leaks wine during sex.

Ref: Revelation 17:1-6




Kate Upton - Also not secularism, and also hot

 

The Invasion Begins – Jehovah helps the Hebrews wipe out the People of Jericho

Genocide is OK if Jehovah says so

After Joshua and the fighting men of Israel started their track toward Jericho they ran into a little problem. The River Jordan was flooded. This would have been problematic if Jehovah wasn’t so awesome. The army of God was carrying the Ark of the Covenant and as soon as the Ark bearers touched the river water with their feet, the river opened up and the entire army walked across on dry ground. Yay for Jehovah!

The people of Jericho noticed they were being invaded so everyone moved into the city and they closed the gates. At first glance it appeared that Jehovah wasn’t going to get the slaughter he was looking for; I mean, he didn’t even have the Israelites prepare any siege engines or long range weapons. Melee troops aren’t great for attacking fortified positions without some sort of support.

Jehovah had a plan though. He told Joshua to have his people all walk around the city once every day for six days without talking, then on the seventh day they were to walk around the city silently six times and at the end of the seventh circuit they were to shout really loud. The Hebrews did this, and upon the great shout the city’s walls collapsed to the ground. The Hebrew infantry stormed into the city and utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword.
 

Making noise is sure to destroy enemy fortifications

But not quite: Joshua told his spies that checked out the city in my previous bible story to go get the hooker Rahab and her family and make sure they got out of the city safely. In this way the spies were able to keep their word and Israel’s prostitution workforce was strengthened.

Moral: when committing genocide you should always keep at least one of the harlots.

Ref: Joshua 3 & 6

Israel Prepares to Invade Palestine – The reason our culture depends on prostitution

Q: Why do so many stories involve hookers? A: In biblical times it was a highly respected profession, like an attorney or a member of congress.

Many Westerners have heard of Palestine and the conflict with Israel. What they may not know is that the modern areas of Israel, Palestine, and the West Bank are all part of the region traditionally known as “Palestine.” Back in the olden days (think bible) this region was known as Canaan.

When Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt Jehovah promised to give them Palestine; never mind that Palestine was already a populated region composed of a whole mess of small kingdoms. Jehovah was going to hand it all over to the Hebrews and there was nothing anybody could do about it. After Moses died Jehovah decided it was finally time for the invasion to begin. He floated down to Earth and told Joshua to prepare for the invasion. Jericho was the closest major population center, so Joshua sent some spies to check it out.

When the spies got to the big city the first thing they did was find a prostitute. This particular prostitute was named Rahab and she was really great. After the spies showed up in Jericho, the King was told that some Israelis were there to case the joint. The king wasn’t comfortable with this so he sent some of his men to Rahab’s place to pick up the spies. Rahab was fond of her latest customers so she lied to the soldiers. She said, “Yeah, there were some guys here earlier but I didn’t know they were from out of town. They took off a while ago. I’m pretty sure I saw them go out the main gate just before sundown. I bet if you start now, you’ll be able to catch them before they get too far.”

Once the soldiers were out of sight Rahab went to have a little chat with her Hebrew clients. She said, “Look, I know who you are and I know Jehovah has given your people all of Palestine. Here’s the thing though; I have parents, brothers, and sisters and because I saved you I ask that you not kill my family.” This seemed reasonable to the spies so they gave Rahab their word and she lowered them out through a window in the city wall.

Moral: whenever you visit a new city, your first order of business should be to hook up with a prostitute. It just may save your life

Ref: Joshua 1 & 2

Judah and his Daughter-in-Law – Keeping things in the Family

Now with 50% more typos

This story is about Judah. He is a son of Israel (the man, not the country) and is one of the guys that sold his brother Joseph (the guy with the coat of many colors) to slave traders. The word Jew comes from Judah.

Well, after selling off Joseph of the Technicolor Dream Coat, but before moving to Egypt to live off Joseph’s success; Judah found a wife for his firstborn son, Er. Her name was Tamar. It turns out that Er wasn’t such a great guy so God killed him. This doesn’t sit very well with Judah so he sat down his second son Onan and explained that he was going to have to marry Tamar now and make babies which would count as Er’s children.

Onan decided he didn’t want to make babies if they were weren’t going to count as his, so when having sex with his sister-in-law/wife he used the best form of birth control available to him: early withdrawal (also known as Onanism, what are the odds, right?). The bible isn’t clear if God doesn’t like letting sperm hit the ground or not making babies for your brother. In either case, Onan is guilty so God kills him too. Christianity in general decided this verse is more about wasting sperm than not making babies for your brother. It is the basis for the condemnation of masturbation and birth control. I.E. don’t use birth control or God will kill you.

According to tradition, Tamar should then have passed on the Judah’s third son, Shelah. However, Judah was starting to think that any dude who marries Tamar ends up dead so he told her she needed to move back in with her parents and wait until Shelah was fully grown before being passed off to him.

Well, because Judah didn’t want Tamar’s vagina to kill Shelah he didn’t let them get married after Shelah was fully grown.  Tamar decided this was no good so when Judah was out tending the sheep one day she dressed up like a hooker and waited for Judah to come by. Of course, being the upstanding guy he was, Judah saw a hooker (didn’t realize it was his man-killing daughter-in-law) and asked her for sex. Tamar asked him how much he was willing to pay and Judah promised her a sheep. Since he didn’t have any sheep with him just then, Tamer asked him to leave his ring, bracelets, and staff as security. They have sex and Tamar gets pregenant, but she doesn’t show up later to trade Judah’s bling for the sheep.

Eventually Judah finds out that Tamar is pregnant and he ordered her to be burned for having sex without his permission. She showed up for the burning and told everyone the father was the owner of the ring, bracelets, and staff. Judah realized he was the father so he didn’t have his daughter-in-law burned. She was allowed to live and a few months later squeezed out her father-in-law’s babies: twins.

Ref: Gensis 38