Sifting the People of Israel – How gathering gets done

I bet it would be nice to be a descendent of Israel. Then you wouldn’t have to pass through the sieve and fall to the earth.

In the last days, Jehovah plans to spend a great deal of effort collecting the people of Israel from among the people of Earth. According to Amos 9:9, Jehovah is going to use a giant sieve and none from the house of Israel will pass through to fall upon the earth. 

  

Once they are safely segregated from the population, Jehovah will kill the unrighteous ones so their evil won’t contaminate the rest of the population. Once that’s done, the rest will be given a great mission. They will build cities, plant vineyards, drink wine, plant fruit trees, and eat fruit.

Here’s the thing though: if you remember, most of the children of Israel live inside the Earth.

A Hebrew Family Living Inside the Earth (not to scale)

If Jehovah’s job is done after the sieving and the wholesale slaughter, those who survive the process must have a huge task remaining. They need to find the entrance to the hollow earth and rejoin their brethren.

The Jews Rejoin their Hebrew Brethren (not to scale)

Moral: there is a good chance you will pass through the sieve and fall to the earth.

Ref: Amos 9:9-15

Eating Your Children – It only happens when Jehovah gets mad

I wonder if Jehovah was kind enough to provide of copy of “To Serve Man: A Cookbook for People”

When Baruch was living in Babylon, he had an important lesson to teach his fellow Hebrews. Jehovah was not pleased. Ever since the Hebrews had been led away from Egypt by Moses, they had failed to live up to Jehovah’s expectations. There was a lot of partying, bi-racial children, and other stuff that was contrary to the laws of God. 

Because Jehovah was not pleased, all sorts of terrible things happened in Jerusalem so people would eat their children. Jehovah doesn’t mess around.

Moral: don’t dick with God, or you’ll have to eat your children.

Ref: Baruch 2:1-3 (World English Bible)

'Therefore the Lord has made good his word, which he pronounced against us and against our judges who judged Israel and against our kings and our princes and against the men of Israel and Judah, to bring upon us great plagues, such as never happened under the whole heaven, yet came to pass in Jerusalem, according to the things which were written in the law of Moses, so that a man would eat the flesh of his own son and the flesh of his own daughter.

Ezra Cleans House – Kicking impure bitches to the curb

Never yield to the temptation of interracial relationships

In the first year of Cyprus, king of Persia, Jehovah manipulated Cyprus into decreeing that the Hebrews were to return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple. This was great news and the prophet Ezra led everyone back to Jerusalem where they were counted, then spent a bunch of time praying and fasting and such.

Once all this stuff was taken care of, the local princes went to Ezra with a disturbing report. They said something like: um, you know how not absolutely everyone was taken away to live in Persia? Well, the people who stayed here kinda, mingled with the locals. Yeah they’ve been taking wives from the non-holy races and mixing their holy sperm with those impure women. They’re making babies with them! It’s totally interracial! They are even worshiping the local gods instead of the great Jehovah.

As you would expect, as soon as Ezra heard the terrible news, he tore his clothes, ripped out his beard, ripped out the hair on his head, and sat down; completely astonished.

Ezra sat on the ground all day, overcome with astonishment. When the time for the evening sacrifice rolled around, Ezra finally stood up. He then launched into a moving speach about how awful the local population was: how sinful and wicked, naughty and  . . . well, bad; just bad – iniquitous even.

After Ezra wrapped up his monologue, a huge group of people gathered around him; men, women, and children. One of the men spoke up and said, “. . . We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law (Ezra 10:2-3, KJV).”

This whole idea of kicking everyone of “impure” blood out of the community appealed to Ezra so he send out word that everyone of Hebrew ancestry needed to gather at Jerusalem. Once everyone was together, Ezra explained how all the “impure” women and the half-breed children needed to be cast out of the community so they could live according to Gods will again. Everyone was moved by the spirit of the Lord so when Ezra said, “Now therefore make confession unto the Lord God of your fathers, and do his pleasure: and separate yourselves from the people of the land, and from the strange wives (Ezra 10:11, KJV).”  The men all answered and said, “As thou hast said, so must we do (Ezra 10:12, KJV).”

Because there were so many non-Hebrew women and mongrel children, it took three and a half months to identify and kick them all to the curb and for every offending man to kill a ram by way of apology.

However, after all those weeks of righteous toil, the impurities were finally removed and the Kingdom of Israel was once again pure in the eyes of God.

Moral: Just because God’s prophet is living in another city, it doesn’t mean you can go chasing tail among the local population.

Ref: Ezra 1:1-2 & Ezra 9-10

Segregation – Lord Farquaad’s Solution

Sometimes you just have to get rid of those damn fairy-tale creatures

Those of you who have seen the movie “Shrek” should be familiar with Lord Farquaad’s mission to make his “kingdom” the most perfect of all. If you haven’t seen it, rent it from Amazon here.

Please note that the film never tells us where Farquaad got the idea he needed to segregate the fairy-tale creatures from the general population and dump them in that swamp to make his “kingdom” perfect. Good thing you have me, eh? He clearly got it from God through his personal study of Holy Scripture. You see, God is all about the segregation.

Paul worked hard to make sure people understood the importance of segregation when writing to the Corinthians, as follows:

Be ye not unequally yoked together with [fairy-tale creatures]: for what fellowship hath [perfection] with [fairy-tale creatures]? and what communion hath light with darkness? (2 Cor. 6:14, KJV)

I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with [fairy-tale creatures]: Yet not altogether with the [fairy-tale creatures] of this world, or with the [witches], or [blind mice], or with [talking donkeys]; for then must ye needs go out of the world.

But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any [creature] that is called a brother be a [possessed toy], or [a cross-dressing wolf], or a [talking pig], or a [gingerbread man], or a [fairy], or a [dwarf]; with such an one no not to eat.

For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves [those fairy-tale creatures]. (1 Cor. 5:9-13, KJV)

St. Mark piled on too.

He that [is not a fairy-tale creature] and is baptized shall be saved; but he that [is a fairy-tale creature] shall be damned. (Mark 16:16, KJV)

Finally we learned that after Christ returns in his glory, he will make segregation permanent. It’s very clear that Lord Farquaad was just doing Jesus a favor.

When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: And he shall set the [normal people] on his right hand, but the [fairy-tale creatures] on the left. Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. (Matthew 25: 31-34, KJV)

Moral: If someone (or something) is different from you, send it to live in a swamp. Then you will be blessed.