Eating Your Children – It only happens when Jehovah gets mad

I wonder if Jehovah was kind enough to provide of copy of “To Serve Man: A Cookbook for People”

When Baruch was living in Babylon, he had an important lesson to teach his fellow Hebrews. Jehovah was not pleased. Ever since the Hebrews had been led away from Egypt by Moses, they had failed to live up to Jehovah’s expectations. There was a lot of partying, bi-racial children, and other stuff that was contrary to the laws of God. 

Because Jehovah was not pleased, all sorts of terrible things happened in Jerusalem so people would eat their children. Jehovah doesn’t mess around.

Moral: don’t dick with God, or you’ll have to eat your children.

Ref: Baruch 2:1-3 (World English Bible)

'Therefore the Lord has made good his word, which he pronounced against us and against our judges who judged Israel and against our kings and our princes and against the men of Israel and Judah, to bring upon us great plagues, such as never happened under the whole heaven, yet came to pass in Jerusalem, according to the things which were written in the law of Moses, so that a man would eat the flesh of his own son and the flesh of his own daughter.

Self-Mutilation – More Christ-like than you might think

I once had a buddy point out an attractive girl and say “Hmm Hmm” – then, a minute later, “Man, I need to pluck my eye out.” - true story

Faith in Christ is extremely important. Jesus taught that we much have faith as a little child and that whoever “shall receive” a faithful child, receives Christ.

To impress upon us the importance of faithful children, Jesus taught it is better to have a millstone hung around your neck and be thrown into the sea than offend such a child.

This admonition naturally led into a discussion of self-mutilation. Going to heaven is super important, so if your hand is working to commit sin, you should really cut it off.

If your foot has a tendency toward sin, you better cut that off too.

Finally, if you have a “naughty eye,” pluck it out. If you have an eye that likes to look at bad things like porno, it’s best to violently rip it from its socket.

It’s far better to enter heaven horribly maimed than go to hell where the worms that eat people never die, and the torment of fire never ends. 

Moral: better start chopping!

Ref: Mark 9:37 & Mark 9:42-49

Ezra Cleans House – Kicking impure bitches to the curb

Never yield to the temptation of interracial relationships

In the first year of Cyprus, king of Persia, Jehovah manipulated Cyprus into decreeing that the Hebrews were to return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple. This was great news and the prophet Ezra led everyone back to Jerusalem where they were counted, then spent a bunch of time praying and fasting and such.

Once all this stuff was taken care of, the local princes went to Ezra with a disturbing report. They said something like: um, you know how not absolutely everyone was taken away to live in Persia? Well, the people who stayed here kinda, mingled with the locals. Yeah they’ve been taking wives from the non-holy races and mixing their holy sperm with those impure women. They’re making babies with them! It’s totally interracial! They are even worshiping the local gods instead of the great Jehovah.

As you would expect, as soon as Ezra heard the terrible news, he tore his clothes, ripped out his beard, ripped out the hair on his head, and sat down; completely astonished.

Ezra sat on the ground all day, overcome with astonishment. When the time for the evening sacrifice rolled around, Ezra finally stood up. He then launched into a moving speach about how awful the local population was: how sinful and wicked, naughty and  . . . well, bad; just bad – iniquitous even.

After Ezra wrapped up his monologue, a huge group of people gathered around him; men, women, and children. One of the men spoke up and said, “. . . We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law (Ezra 10:2-3, KJV).”

This whole idea of kicking everyone of “impure” blood out of the community appealed to Ezra so he send out word that everyone of Hebrew ancestry needed to gather at Jerusalem. Once everyone was together, Ezra explained how all the “impure” women and the half-breed children needed to be cast out of the community so they could live according to Gods will again. Everyone was moved by the spirit of the Lord so when Ezra said, “Now therefore make confession unto the Lord God of your fathers, and do his pleasure: and separate yourselves from the people of the land, and from the strange wives (Ezra 10:11, KJV).”  The men all answered and said, “As thou hast said, so must we do (Ezra 10:12, KJV).”

Because there were so many non-Hebrew women and mongrel children, it took three and a half months to identify and kick them all to the curb and for every offending man to kill a ram by way of apology.

However, after all those weeks of righteous toil, the impurities were finally removed and the Kingdom of Israel was once again pure in the eyes of God.

Moral: Just because God’s prophet is living in another city, it doesn’t mean you can go chasing tail among the local population.

Ref: Ezra 1:1-2 & Ezra 9-10

Mystery Babylon – The mother of harlots

When you want to disparage someone’s character, simply associate him/her with prostitution

One day, long ago, Jehovah was faced with the challenge of getting St. John the Revelator to understand that secularism was fated to spread across the globe. Being perfect, Jehovah came up with a perfect way to do this. He sent an angel and used imagery.

The angel said, “Come here John. I need to show you the great whore that sitteth upon many waters. She is a very busy woman so we had better hurry. All the kings of earth have sex with her and everyone on earth gets drunk from the wine that leaks out of her during sexual intercourse. It sounds odd, I know; but you’ll understand once you see her.”

The angel carried John out, deeper and deeper into the wilderness until they saw her.

John wrote that the woman was sitting on a red monster with seven heads and ten horns. She was wearing a purple dress with a red sash and had a gold cup in her hand. The cup was full of sin and the “filth” of all the illicit sex.


 

Rampant Secularism is a hot chick riding a red dinosaur

 

The woman had writing on her forehead that said:

MYSTERY, babylon the great

the mother of HARLOTS

and of abominations of the earth

John noticed the woman was a little tipsy from drinking human blood, shed by those who die in the service of Christ. Of course, the strangest thing of all was: that woman was HOT!



Scarlett Johansson - Not rapmant secularism, but still hot



Moral: secularism is a hot slut that leaks wine during sex.

Ref: Revelation 17:1-6




Kate Upton - Also not secularism, and also hot

 

The Invasion Hits a Snag – Not all is well in Zion

It’s Jehovah’s way to kill a bunch of non-involved people when somebody sins

After wiping Jericho off the face of the Earth, Joshua sent a couple of guys to check out Ai. The spies returned and said, “Um, there’s like nobody in Ai. You should only spend like, two or three thousand guys to eliminate them so not everyone is inconvenienced by the trip.” This sounded good to Joshua so it was done.

Everything was going really well until the people from Ai tried to stop the Hebrews. This totally threw off God’s Warriors who had no experience with actual combat. Naturally they fled and while they were running away the soldiers from Ai managed to kill 36 of them.

When Joshua heard his men had not only run from the enemy, but had also suffered losses of 1.2% he was completely beside himself. He fell down in the dirt and cried all day. Eventually Joshua asked Jehovah why He had bothered to free the Hebrews from Egypt if He was just going to let them all be killed in Palestine! Jehovah was quick to answer saying, “Look, I’m not really trying to kill all of you, but here’s the deal. Someone took some stuff from Jericho after I told you to tell them to not do that.”

Joshua immediately set about trying to rectify the situation. He ordered a survey of every man and every tent to find the offender. Eventually it was determined that a Jew named Achan took a set of clothes and a bunch of money. Joshua told Achan that because he was causing trouble, Jehovah was going to cause him some trouble. Then the people of God threw rocks at Achan until he was dead. Just to be sure, they incinerated him too.

After the whole incident with Achan’s disobedient ways was resolved, Jehovah told Joshua to get back to the business of wiping out Palestinians. Joshua didn’t want to mess up again, so this time he sent 30,000 men to hide around the back of the city of Ai. Then he took a smaller force and pretended to attack the city from the front, then run away.  When the soldiers from Ai and its neighboring city Beth-el saw Joshua and his force running away they gave chase, just like the time before.

This time was different. Once all the fighting men were chasing Joshua, the secret 30,000 took control of Ai and burned it to the ground. With that business concluded Joshua stopped running away and turned to attack and the 30,000 turned their attention to the fight. The men of Ai and Beth-el were quickly wiped out except the king of Ai. Joshua had him hanged from a tree unto death. Then all the women and children from both cities were slaughtered.

Moral: don’t go against God, or his fans will kill you twice.

Ref: Joshua 7 & 8

God vs. Fanghorn – You Decide Which is Better

 Not all fictional characters are created equal

The events recounted in the Book of Amos take place during a very difficult time for God. You see, the people, they just didn’t care about God anymore. I imagine God was feeling exactly like Fanghorn (or Treebeard as he is sometimes called). Poor Treebeard expressed this quite nicely to Merry and Pippin in The Lord of the Rings – The Two Towers after one of them asked which “side” he was on by saying, “I am on nobody’s side because nobody’s on my side. Nobody cares for the trees anymore.”

Unfortunately for everyone involved, God is not nearly as nice as Treebeard. You see, Treebeard decided to just hang out in the forest and take care of the trees for thousands of years while the world moved on around him and his fellow ents. It wasn’t until his precious trees were being threatened with complete destruction that he and the other ents left the forest to put some hurt on some orcs. Then he and the ents went right back to the forest and didn’t bother anyone else.

Yeah, God isn’t like Treebeard. After he discovered that nobody was on his side, he immediately started unleashing destruction upon the masses. He stopped all the rain except in one city, and when everyone went to that other city to drink, there wasn’t enough water for everyone. Then God gave all the plants mildew and parasites so all the gardens, vineyards, fig trees and olive trees died. God also sent diseases on a scale similar to the plagues of Egypt and He stirred up wars so the young men were killed with swords. Then God even took away the horses! It was so bad that the stench of all the death and decay filled the survivors’ nostrils! Because this still wasn’t enough, God even destroyed several cities Sodom and Gomorrah style.

Here’s the thing though: it didn’t help. All this evil God visited upon his people didn’t make them love him! OMFG! I can’t believe it!

No, seriously; I have major doubts about God’s intelligence at this point. God actually believed that if he made life hell for everyone they would not only start caring about him again, they would actually start to LOVE him! In recent news, I’ve heard that soldiers are dying overseas because God is punishing us for allowing gays in the military. I’ve heard that AIDS in an epidemic sent by God to punish gays and “loose” women. Does God actually think these things will make everyone “behave” sexually? Is God actually that stupid?

Apparently so.

Ref: Amos 4

The “Palsy” – Jesus gets busted forgiving sins

“Luke, you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”
-Obi-Wan Kenobi

To begin: When the New Testament refers to a “scribe” it is talking about a certain class of religious leader that specializes in studying and teaching religious law. Jesus really hated these guys because they were always calling him out for ignoring the laws of God (the damn hippie).

So one day a group of Jesus lovers carried some bed-ridden guy to meet him. This man was a victim of the “palsy.” This is most likely partial paralysis brought on by a stroke, but it’s tough to know for sure. In any case; it’s bad and means you have to be carried around in a bed. When Jesus saw this guy he could tell just by looking at him that he was a huge Jesus fan. Jesus was so excited he immediately blurted out, “Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.” (Matt. 9:2, KJV)

As luck would have it there were some scribes in the vicinity that heard this exclamation absolving the old guy from sin. This seemed especially crazy to them and to themselves they said, “This man is full of shit. Only Jehovah can forgive sins and it is the worst sort of blasphemy to pretend otherwise.” Because Jesus had been blessed with supernatural powers by the Holy Spirit he could read their minds and he said, “What gives? Why do you fill yourselves with evil thoughts? Seriously; I want you to think about something for a minute. Is it easier to tell someone their sins are forgiven, or to tell them to get up and walk?”

Then Jesus turned to his bed-ridden fan and said, “Just to prove to these losers that I can forgive sins I need you to stand up, pick up your bed, and go home.” When the old guy did this all the bystanders were amazed. I mean, they had never seen an old person get out of bed before. It was truly a miraculous sight. These bystanders were super excited and told tons of other people the story of how the blasphemous hippy told an old man to get out of bed. Yay!

Ref: Matthew 9