The King lets Esther save the day – Always enter the king’s room booty first

The Epic of Esther in Four Parts: Part IV
It must be so cool to be the King’s wife

Once Esther learned about her uncle’s behavior earning a death warrant for all the Jews she asked her uncle to tell all the Jews in the city to fast for three days because she was going to have to have a chat with her husband. She also had her virgin servants fast because you see; the queen isn’t allowed to talk to the king without his permission. She can’t enter any room he’s in unless he calls for her. If she does, the standard penalty is death.

Esther didn’t see any other way to save the Jews other than risking her life to talk with the King. Now don’t go thinking she was just doing this to save herself from Jew genocide. Remember nobody knew she was a Jew because her uncle told her to make sure nobody found out. She was genuinely concerned for other people. Also, she did not blow Hegai. Seriously; I can’t believe you’re still going on about that.

Ok, here goes. Now for the moment of truth:

Esther put on her best clothes then went and stood outside the King’s palace where he could see her, breaking the law. Then, a true miracle occurred. The king remembered how he felt about Esther’s sweet booty, decided not to have her killed, and raised his golden scepter to indicate she was allowed to approach him. Esther walked up to her husband who asked what she wanted. Esther had a plan and said, “If it seem good unto the king, let the king and Haman come this day unto the banquet I have prepared for him.” That’s right. Esther asked the king to come eat dinner with her and bring a friend.

This is where the second miracle occurs: the king said yes. At the banquet the king told Esther to ask him for something and Esther asked him to come to dinner with his friend Haman, AGAIN. Dinner, two nights in a row: it’s insane. It’s even more insane that the king said yes (I hope you see what Esther is doing here. She’s making the king get used to doing as she asks). At this second banquet the king again told Esther to ask for something. Then it got real intense.

Esther said, “If you like me, then please don’t kill me or my people. We have been sold and are scheduled to be executed. If we had just been sold into slavery I wouldn’t complain, but I really don’t think we should have to die.” The king was surprised to hear someone was planning to kill his wife so he said, “Who did this? Where is he, and how dare he?” Esther replied, “The enemy of your wife is your best friend Haman.”

The king was so upset he went into his garden to get some fresh air. Now, Haman was no fool. He knew he was in deep shit, so he went to the bed Esther was lying on to beg for his life. This was not a good move. When the king came back into the room he saw Haman on Esther’s bed and he said, “What's This? Is he trying to rape the queen now too? In my house?” So the king immediately had Haman hanged.

Then the king rescinded the order to have all the Jews executed and Esther came clean about her upbringing and told the King Mordecai was her uncle. Then the king gave Mordecai all of Haman’s stuff. You know, slaves, estates, family members, normal stuff to give someone.

And here we have it: proof that if your niece has good skin and a large ass, you should force her into a marriage where talking to your husband can get you killed.

Ref: Esther 4-8

Mordecai screws up – pride cometh before the fall

The Epic of Esther in Four Parts: Part III
Always do what the guy in charge tells you

After the killing of the chamberlains King Ahasuerus did a little reorganizing of his inner circle. He promoted Haman to senior underling in charge of all matters that might disturb the king’s hobbies (food, wine, and sex) if someone else didn’t take care of them. The king also commanded that everyone must bow to Haman whenever they saw him.

Mordecai decided that was total crap and did not bow to Haman. Haman was PISSED (as in upset, not drunk) when Mordecai didn’t bow and he had his servants figure out what was up with Mordecai. The servants launched a little investigation and when they asked Mordecai why he wouldn’t bow, he just ignored them. The servants didn’t want to return empty-handed to Haman, so they told him Mordecai didn’t bow because he was a Jew.

Haman could have just had Mordecai strung up for not bowing, but he was so mad he decided the proper course of action was to have all the Jews in Ahasuerus’ kingdom killed. You know, teach them a lesson and all that.

Haman went to the King and told him there was a group of people (the Jews) who lived in the kingdom but did not obey the king’s laws. Haman and the king agreed that the Jews were to be eradicated and Haman would pay the King ten thousand talents of silver. They had the scribes write up orders that the Jews were to be wiped out on the 13^th day of the 12^th month and sent them to the law enforcement officials throughout the kingdom. Then they sat down for a drink.

Moral: if you didn’t think Mordecai was a douche for hooking Esther up with the king to get a free meal, perhaps his arrogance getting all the Jews executed will convince you.

Ref: Esther 3

Esther takes center stage – “She’s pretty enough, and virgin enough”

The Epic of Esther in Four Parts: Part II
Sometimes it must be nice to have absolute power

After Ahasuerus tossed out the queen he remembered how much he liked booty. So to make sure he got the best booty in the kingdom he appointed recruiting centers in every province of the kingdom. He told his recruiters, “Ok, here’s the thing; I need a new wife. Now pay attention. This is the most important part. She MUST be super hot, she MUST be young, she MUST be a virgin, and YOU must remember that above all else, I am an ass man.”

Mordecai was a Jewish guy who had raised his niece Esther. Esther was damn fine and had an ample behind so Mordecai saw an opportunity. He told Esther not to let anyone know she was a Jew and bribed the recruiter to make sure she made it through the first round of elimination. This meant Esther made it to the palace where she met Hegai who was in charge of the palace women. Hegai liked Esther, who did NOT give him a blow job to get him to help. I don’t care who told you that, it’s not true!

In any case, Hegai gave Esther seven virgin women to be her servants and put her in the best part of the house of women: seriously, no blow job involved. Esther was just really likable. Get your mind out of the gutter.

After 12 months of purifying rituals the virgins were allowed to meet King Ahasuerus. First the virgins moved to the concubine housing on the king’s estate. Then they were paraded in front of the King. Turns out that Mordecai knew what he was doing because the King decided that Esther not only had the smoothest skin, firmest breasts, and prettiest hair; she also had the sweetest ass he had ever seen. She was the obvious choice to replace the old queen.

Now Mordecai was still hanging around. I mean, he wasn’t about to go anywhere now that his niece was a free meal ticket, uh, I mean queen. Because Mordecai was unemployed he spent a lot of time just hanging around near the palace. One day he overheard two of the king’s chamberlains talking. They were upset one of their daughters wasn’t chosen as the new queen and had decided to kill the king. Mordecai told his niece who told her husband. The king then launched a formal inquiry into the matter, decided the chamberlains were up to no good, and had them hung from a tree.

Moral: if you decide to marry a chick based only on her hip-to-waist ratio, you better hope you get lucky and end up with one who has a lazy uncle.

Ref: Esther 2

King Ahasuerus puts women in their proper place – “get back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

The Epic of Esther in Four Parts: Part I

What? You’re wife thinks she should be allowed to wear shoes?

Ahasuerus was the king of Persia and Media. His kingdom stretched from India to Ethiopia. This made him very wealthy and kind of a bully. Prior to his rule there had been three major deportations of Jews to Babylon, so there were a lot of Jews around. This little piece of info will only become important in part two of this epic tale.

After Ahasuerus was king for three years he decided to have a big party for the princes of the different regions under his control. He was so damn rich the pre-boarding part of his party where he showed off his private collection of super awesome stuff lasted 180 days. Then the real party got started with all the food, wine, and exotic dancers such an event deserved. There was so much party vibe in the air that even the queen had her own ladies only party going.

On the seventh day of the party Ahasuerus was pretty damn drunk and he starting thinking something like this, “Damn man, these strippers ain’t got nothin’ on my wife. I mean, dat booty SO FINE! I got to get her down here so she can shake her booty for all my best bros here.” So Ahasuerus sent his chamberlains to fetch the queen. Now this is where it gets interesting. The queen REFUSED to leave her party so the King should show her off to his friends. She actually didn’t do as her husband commanded.

The tone of Ahasuerus’ party immediately changed. The king and his wise men got together to discuss the ramifications of the recent development. The queen didn’t do what she was told. They decided that not only did the queen disrespect her husband but also all the princes who didn’t get to appreciate her booty. Even worse, they figured that word would get out and other wives might just start doing whatever they wanted.

To handle the situation the King kicked the queen to the curb and issued a royal decree that all wives were required to do everything their husbands told them to, and I mean everything. Big things, small things, you name it, the woman does it. He sent this decree throughout his entire kingdom to make sure every man could rule his house with an iron fist. It’s a good thing too because, as you know, god created women to exists as an extension of a man’s will. Thank the great booty in the sky that Ahasuerus managed to codify this into law.

Ref: Esther 1

The Brass Serpent’s Ignoble End – How the Israelites should have taken better care of their things

That’s right, snakes are still awesome.

After King David died the Israelites went through a pretty rapid succession of kings. Some of them were Jehovah lovers and some of them preferred other gods. One good thing about the Israelites though is they never threw away religious relics. Therefore, they still had the super awesome brass serpent Moses made to keep Jehovah’s flying fire snake poison from killing the entire Hebrew population.

Many of the Israelites figured the best way to get through this troubled time was to put their faith in the Brass Serpent’s ability to protect them. The serpent had already shown it was stronger than Jehovah, and it looked like their best bet to ward off crap from other gods as well. For this most part this was working out pretty well. The Israelites weren’t wiped out by either Jehovah or warriors from a surrounding kingdom throughout the entire time they worshiped the brass serpent.

Then this ass-munch Jehovah-lover Hezekiah became the king of Judah (part of the nation of Israel). One of his first acts was to destroy the Brass Serpent. This clearly turned out to be a mistake because six short years later all of Israel was captured by the King of Assyria who made almost all of them leave the “promised land” and took them to Assyria to live.

Lesson: if you have a super awesome brass snake that’s so badass it can keep God from killing you, don’t break it!

Ref: 2 Kings 18

The Epic of the Brass Serpent – Giving Jehovah a run for his money

Yeah, snakes are the best.

A long time ago in a desert far, far away . . .

SNAKE
WARS

Episode IV

A NEW HOPE
It is a period of civil war.
Rebel Hebrews, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against the
awesome might of Jehovah.
During the battle, Hebrew spies
managed to steal secrets plans
to Jehovah’s ultimate weapon,
the Fiery Serpent, a flying snake
with enough power to destroy
an entire race. Pursued by
Jehovah’s sinister agents,
Moses races home upon his
camel, custodian of the stolen
plans that can save his people
and restore freedom to the
desert . . .

 

Snake Wars started while the Hebrew people were living in the wilderness; after leaving Egypt, but before wiping out the inhabitants of the “promised land.” Some of the Hebrews started complaining that they didn’t like the desert and they were tired of eating the magic food God was providing for them for free: ungrateful bastards.

If there’s one thing Jehovah simply can’t abide, it’s a whiner. To stop the complaining Jehovah sent his fleet of flying fire snakes into the desert to bite the Hebrews. After a good percentage of the population died from snakebite, the survivors asked Moses to find a way to save Jehovah’s chosen people. In secret Moses planned a daring strike into the heart of heaven to steal the secret plans to the fiery serpent. To discuss strategy, he gathered the members of the Pentaverate: the Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys, the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up (google it kids). Finally it was decided the Queen would run a solo mission to get the plans, then Moses would “go long” for a Hail Mary pass.

Now, I’m going to avoid reciting the details of the mission to avoid boring you. Suffice it to say that Moses received the pass and managed to escape on his camel.

Once Moses was back in camp with the plans, construction began immediately on a serpent made from brass to counter the effects of Jehovah’s evil fire snakes. When the Brass Serpent was completed, Moses raised it on a pole so everyone could see it. Once the people of God put their faith in the Brass Serpent instead of God, the poison from the fiery snake bites was purged from their systems and they survived. Through their brave effort, the Hebrew rebels were able to thwart the will of God and prove that nine times out of ten; man-made snakes overpower those made by God.

Ref: Numbers 21:4-8

Jesus' family comes to visit - Mary gets the cold shoulder

Jesus is really good at sorting priorities

So one day Jesus was hanging out in some house with his "gentlemen friends" and some lawyers from Jerusalem showed up to tell everyone to stop making a big deal out of the whole Jesus Phenomenon since it was perfectly clear to them that Jesus was using the power of Satan to cast out devils. Jesus wasn't going to take that lying down so he politely informed them that was impossible because no devil would ever act to harm another devil because "A house divided against itself cannot stand." He also took advantage of this opportunity to teach. He said, "All sins will be forgiven, unless you disrespect the Holy Spirit. Then you're going  straight to hell. God is definitely not powerful enough to forgive that one."

Then his mom and brothers showed up outside the house. They couldn't get in though because the crowd was too big, so some of the people around him told him that his mommy was calling him.

By this point Jesus' head was so big he figured he didn't need to worry about being good to family anymore so he said, "What a load of crap. I don't need to worry about my actual mother, brothers, or sisters by blood because I have you people. You lot of suckers are way better than them. In fact, from now on anyone who does what I tell them to is the same, if not better, than my mother, sister, or brother. Besides, I'm still upset with my mother for that one time she whipped me when I refused to clean my room."

Ref: Matthew 12:22-48

Elijah vs. Priests of Baal – The best solution for any religious debate is mass murder

Seriously, you had to kill all of them?

Ahab the King of Israel was a worshiper of Baal, not a worshiper of Jehovah. He and his wife, Jezebel were such devout followers of Baal that they had been working to exterminate all the prophets of Jehovah. Elijah was the most famous prophet of Jehovah at this time and he decided one day he needed to do something about the situation. He went had a chat with Ahab and proposed a friendly little prophet contest between himself and all the prophets of Baal.

Ahab was ok with this so he gathered up 450 prophets of Baal and spread the word about the contest so there would be a large audience. After everyone had gathered together Elijah explained the rules: “OK people, listen up. The prophets of Baal and I are each going to build a big pile of wood, throw a couple of oxen on it and then pray to our respective gods to answer with fire. The god that can burn the oxen on his own is the true god. The prophets of Baal have the first turn.”

The prophets of Baal got an early start with their praying but by noon, nothing had happened. Elijah decided to have a little fun with this and said, “Hey losers, what’s the matter? You know what? I bet your god is probably sleeping in. You’re just not praying loud enough to wake him up. It’s ok though. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Finally evening rolled around with nothing happening on the Baal side and Elijah announced it was his turn. “Listen up. I’m gonna have a go at this now. We’re gonna have to make a few changes first though. I need you to dig a trench around my altar and pour barrels of water over the wood until the trench fills up. Oh, and I need to throw a bunch of rocks in there too.”

After the changes were implemented Elijah cast Flame strike (http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/SRD:Flame_Strike). He made a perfect roll of 15d6 resulting in 45 points of divine damage and 45 points of fire damage. The spell consumed the oxen, the wood, the water, and the stones. The audience was stunned. They immediately feel to the ground and proclaimed life-long dedication to Jehovah.

This wasn’t quite enough for Elijah who immediately shouted, “Hey, grab all those prophets of Baal. Don’t let them get away!” Then Elijah killed all 450 of them with his bare hands, one at a time. This is of course the only unbelievable part of the story. There’s no way someone could kill 450 people without stopping to take a break. I just don’t buy it. Well, unless of course that person is Samson, but that’s another story.

Ref: 1 Kings 18:1-40